Evenewra Brainsite

No, I haven't been here much, have I?

2012-01-28T20:38:00.004-05:00

Just a quick post to say that I am very aware of how little I've been blogging this year.

It's due to a combination of factors. For one, I'm trying to invest more of my writing time into pieces I can "publish" in a different way... ie. for money.

Two, I'm trying to be less busy.

But three, the most important topics in my life right now have to do with a lot of soul-searching and troubleshooting in a particular area of my life. I'm happy to say that my family is healthy and happy and loving all around and that I know everything will resolve positively, but the subjects I think about most often these days need to stay somewhat private.

That said, I'm going to write another post now to be published after I get some footage from my dad...

In Sync

2012-01-14T22:38:00.002-05:00

So much for more meaningful posts lately... only room in my brain now for personal anecdotes...

When U. came to bed the other night I spoke in my sleep.

"Are you concerned about the x's by the names?" I asked.

"What x's?"

"I don't know," I replied, "but if you were in sync with my dream you would know."

Seminar

2011-12-26T20:29:00.003-05:00

Geez I'm far behind on here. I didn't tell about ND's birthday, but part of that is I'm trying to give her more and more privacy. I haven't told about... well, anything for a bit.

My parents are in town now for Channukah. Mom and I went today to see Alan Rickman (and the other actors too of course) in Seminar. Later I may post my photos from outside, though we didn't get to see him afterwards or get his autograph. (Nope, just Jerry O'Connell's. I hope you're able to detect that I think that's cool too.) We had front row seats which was often given that we came primarily to ogle over one of my mom's very favorite actors and yes, he was very much within reach a few times.

The play, though, was about young writers trying to break into the world of writing. There was very much the tone of wanting desperately to be found, be good enough, to be big enough to be noticed, and not to lose that fame. It made me sad. This is definitely one way to view a writing career, but what a depressing one. How hard to be constantly at the mercy of the public or critics. My career, if you can call it that, is so much smaller, but like the other writers in my group, it's realistic. We all enjoy our craft, have some talent, and can always benefit from feedback that can help our work. We face a lot of rejection, but most of us have income that allows that rejection to be only emotionally trying rather than financially devastating.

That's all I can say on that tonight. I enjoyed the play. Like "Life In The Theater" that I saw last year, it juxtaposed young and old characters within the arts. Moving and funny and sad all together. And awesome to be around some famous faces.

In Time For ND's birthday

2011-12-06T20:41:00.003-05:00

I'd love to write about the actual details of her birthday when I get some time, but meanwhile, here's a link to an article of mine that was published today. The website belongs to a doula friend of mine who asked if I could contribute an article with reflections on ND's birth. I didn't mean to finish the process with her right on this date, but I guess birth is on my mind near the birthday!

The Nature Of Thanksgiving

2011-11-20T20:22:00.002-05:00

So ND -- who turns 5 in a few weeks -- commented that since Thanksgiving is a holiday, we will probably be reading Torah that day. I said that no, not really. Well, we do read Torah on Thursdays, but not because it's Thanksgiving. It's not a Jewish holiday, I explained.

She thought about this awhile and about an hour later determined that if Thanksgiving is not a Jewish holiday, then "Non-Jews read Torah on Thanksgiving."

Oatmeal

2011-11-02T06:40:00.002-04:00

In the hopes of inspiring ND to wake up early enough to help me make it, I asked, "Do you want oatmeal this morning?"

"No, I want to sleep in until my birthday." (Dec. 6)

I told her she'd miss a visit from Saba and Savta this week and the Thanksgiving Day Parade at the end of the month.

A great beginning to the year

2011-10-23T07:58:00.002-04:00

We've just completed our first year with a new rabbi. I was somewhat ambivalent about him when he first arrived. I would like to be part of a shul that is not just modern Orthodox but actively progressive in social activism, feminism, environmentalism etc., but his statements at his initial interviews included a lot about wanting our shul to be similar to others and not stand out as too different.

However, this year a few of us asked that he be more inclusive of women in various aspects of the chagim. He didn't want to "make a statement" but did agree to some gestures that have made a difference. A rabbi in his shoes is in a tricky position of wanting to make shul welcoming to many, but without irking others. He walked that line fairly safely, but the amount of difference for those of us to whom this matters, I think will help him reach his goals of making our shul a place that is welcoming and inspiring to as many as possible.

Last night I wrote him the following letter which he agreed that I could post here:

Dear Rabbi Block,

You came to our community eager to make change. Many times you’ve talked about helping our shul to increase its kavannah through coming to shul more.

Within our community there is a wellspring of kavannah and passion towards Judaism and mitzvoth that often goes untapped because it resides on side of the mechitza that often is ignored. This year, by encouraging the purchase of lulavim and etrogim, and in participating in hoshanas for women as well as men, you helped unleash a few more members’ expression of our faith in Hashem and commitment to Jewish practice. Likewise, by simply opening the door to the women’s Simchat Torah leining and smiling at us, you showed support for our eagerness to interact actively with the Torah (an action that is sometimes ironically viewed as illicit rather than praiseworthy).

I do not come to shul terribly frequently. I mentioned to you once before that this is due to anxiety around people. That is true. Kiddush is a time when I often feel awkward and uncomfortable, and sometimes I need to opt out because my week has been filled already with high intensity human interaction. On the weeks when I stay home, I feel I use the time well. I daven, I read the parsha and often do some other Torah study on my own, and I meditate – a tool that helps me connect with Shabbat very intimately. I still need that time to refresh myself. However, that is not the entire reason that I do not come.

Many years ago I was often one of very few women who came to shul early or at the less popular times. After years of feeling like an oddball and somewhat unwelcome if walking home with throngs of men, I gave up. I have felt less and less as though shul is a place where I can achieve anything spiritually. In the wake of that I have felt greater passion for Judaism through the outlet of organizations such as Hazon, but far less through prayer and the shul community.

By making the efforts you have over the past weeks, you are now giving me a chance to potentially feel more welcome and valued for attending shul. I am reconsidering my relationship to prayer and feeling the importance of modeling that both for Naomi and for my peers. The gestures you made these weeks which I mention above may have seemed either simple or risky, but they are making a difference in me and in others towards your goals for creating a community that embraces Torah.

I hope that over the coming years we’ll be able to work together to achieve the goals of having more Torah study, of greater commitment to halakhah, and of having all members of the shul –both men and women - feel integral to the community’s relationship with G-d.

Thank you

8 years in remission

2011-10-22T20:35:00.003-04:00

I have a friend who, like me, celebrates remission from cancer at this time of year. I mark the date from when my oncologist showed me a series of CT scans that proved to his surprise that "even the scar tissue is shrinking." My friend marks his date from when the bone marrow donated to him began to work.

We chatted the other day. He says he doesn't think about the cancer much. It was a pivotal time in his life, obviously. He doesn't think, though, about the fear of being told he was likely to die. Instead he talks about how he eventually discovered the cancer was caused by toxins in his environment and how that led him on a career path of environmentalism.

My response was that I do think of cancer... not all year long, certainly not daily anymore. But I have always been an intense person with intense emotions and thoughts. Some comments I've been told over the year are that I "always have a pot boiling" or "need to lighten up." When I talk about my experience with cancer, though, no one says those things to me. And at this time of year, during the remission anniversary, I think about it a lot.

When I had cancer, I was convinced that it would bring me a kind of enlightenment and wisdom that I didn't have before. I suppose it did a little, but I'm still not sure how to define what I gained. And I have unresolved anxieties and anger too, mainly resentment towards people who seem to live their lives so flippantly, then are shocked when someone else suffers a tragedy, as if they never considered it actually could happen to them.

This year to celebrate I have written a rather long essay trying to explore these issues. If you wish to see it, please let me know.

Back Home Again For Gilad

2011-10-19T12:54:00.003-04:00

I have never had as close a relationship to Israel as perhaps I should or even perhaps want to. Lots of barriers in the way for me including that I'm comfortable where I am, love my Sundays. The usual reasons that many reasonably call excuses. Add to that occasional confusion about Israeli politics and a general sorrow that the Palestinian-Israeli conflict has led many of my fellow Jews to make statements that are narrow-minded and racist.

But concerns for Gilad Shalit over the past 5 years, and joy upon his return home are unifying and beautiful. I feel connected and happy today.

Farms Instead

2011-10-18T22:10:00.003-04:00

We were supposed to spend Chol Hamoed in Waltham, MA visiting my friend and her new baby born on September 11.

Alas, I've had a nasty cold.

So yesterday we went to a local garden store and its petting zoo. Today we went to Depiero's -- petting zoo, hay maze, hayride with pumpkin picking and all.

Let's talk about why we should, not why we don't have to

2011-10-12T09:49:00.003-04:00

Just came in from the backyard. Another dip into my annual adventure of climbing into our backyard ditch for schach for the sukkah. Just needed a little more to be a little more sure of the Kashrut of our Sukkah's hole-y roof. While working on it, I had some thoughts I need to share on why I love Sukkot/Simchat Torah and why it's one of the more challenging weeks of the year for me.

People complain sometimes that spirituality can seem distant within Judaism. The prayers feel foreign, even when read in English, the routines and rituals strange, the rules strict. But Sukkot has so much potential for fun and love.

How physical it is! Your whole body thrown into building the sukkah, getting the schach, making the decorations. I love that each of us can take on our own special role preparing for the holiday, not because of what's dictated or even custom, but because of our talents. My husband is creative at assembling things. He puts up our sukkah. I love getting down and dirty in nature. So I climb into a ditch and saw bamboo and vines to throw on top. Our daughter loves art. So we all decorate with her together. And throughout this we can talk or laugh or do it on our own time rather than following dictates of decorum the way we must (and should) in shul. Yes, there are rules, but they are general, leaving lots of room for creativity.

Then there are the religious rituals themselves that do have rules, the waving of the 4 species with so many interpretations towards their meaning. The hakafot at shul, where the community continues showing our allegiances to G-d that we re-established, crowned and surrendered to from Rosh Hashanah to the closing moments of Neilah.

Throughout the week we're meant to completely immerse ourselves, as a family, in the mitzvah, living in the Sukkah -- eating, sleeping, relaxing. Not like women's monthly immersion in mikveh, or some mens' voluntary immersion right before Shabbat or a chag that is so powerful but private. But a family endeavor to just be together with G-d peeking through the latticework above us with absolute love and joy.

By Simchat Torah there is the dancing, the communal celebration, the opportunity to get up so close to the Torah itself and begin anew -- storing up joy and optimism to hold us through the winter ahead.

So then, why do people want to spend so much time saying what we don't have to do?

Start with rain, mosquitos, cold... people become uncomfortable very quickly in the sukkah. I don't wish to criticize this too thoroughly. I appreciate that the Torah allows us to protect ourselves rather than put our bodies at risk for the sake of a mitzvah. And I totally agree with disdain towards mosquitos, one of the few of Hashem's creations for which I have hardly any tolerance.

But rain?

The slightest sprinkle leads to the biggest complaints. And again, I want to be sensitive, but without rain, there would be no life. It's no less straightforward than that. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable, but I'd like to propose that others try to feel how refreshing it is, to feel G-d sending blessing upon us. Like breastmilk from a mother, it can't be replicated in any way, and we're completely dependent on its nourishment. Think of parts of the world in which water is conserved, weighed, prayed for. Can you imagine people living in those regions describing it as "disgusting?"

And now let me provide you of a list of things that women "don't have to" do:

-eat, sleep or dwell in a sukkah

-carry a lulav and etrog for hoshanas

-participate in hakafot

-read from or receive an aliyah at the Torah

Fine, what an opportunity for women to show their commitment voluntarily rather than by obligation.

Or not... because how often are we actually barred from doing these mitzvot?

How often have you been in a sukkah that is not quite big enough or in which the schach is not all quite right, and the women take seats on the periphery since "it's not our mitvah?"

As as hoshanas, and hakafot, these are so totally easy to carry out on the women's side of the mechitzah, and how often do they not, either because the shul doesn't provide leadership to make it happen or the women don't want to appear as rocking the boat, and so stand back and either don't care or pretend not to care?

And aliyot... okay, that's tricky, but I can tell you I'm going to be both layning and receiving an aliyah at a women's Torah reading. For those who feel this is "not their thing," and prefer to connect with Torah in another way, such as learning in a class, so be it. For those who just don't care because they've been excluded for so long... what a tremendous loss.

While working on a fictional story this summer about a high school girl who had to make a choice of whether to make an activist gesture or not, at risk to her comfort in remaining silent, my teenage niece commented that "It's cool to not care." We talked about the discomfort in being passionate about doing something wonderful or just, and how sometimes it leads to feelings of isolation or loneliness.

I wish that not caring was just a phase we went through. Sometimes it's something we still need to grow out of.

This season is filled with so much opportunity to feel powerfully connected with the creator who brought life to us and to all of nature, together with so much love. My prayer is that we throw ourselves into the season whole-heartedly to care and be in it together.

More inspiration!

2011-10-11T21:27:00.003-04:00

Alysa and I came to Yeshivat Noam in the same year. We have always bonded over our concern about environmentalism, but she is just amazing and organizing and initiating programs that work. Check this out.

Inspiration and Agony

2011-10-09T22:01:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine recently got a job with Teva and has been ecstatic since. On Yom Kippur he told me about a transformative experience he had davening Shacharit with a leader in the woods. He wrote a lovely blog post about it.

I listened as he told me about this and found myself exclaiming internally, "Oh oh oh! You've never davened shacharit in the woods before? Oh, how sad!!!! Oh, you know now about the light inside us all that comes from G-d... you hadn't had that before either?" I am so happy for him to have discovered this and feel a simultaneous plummeting inside me as I'm realizing just how few have ever even touched this. It feels as natural as water to me. I grew up in Corvallis, OR with nature and incense and touchy-feely Jews who loved Judaism for its connection to life itself and not just to text or walled-up inside shuls. To me this is what it is.

Over the years my day-to-day view of Judaism has changed, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse, but that connection between nature and the soul and Torah are already inside me. It makes me so sad when it's obscured by materialism or simply by the devoted black hat suited culture that is passionate about G-d but disconnected from land and sometimes from their children because they don't always know how to connect their spirits together. What torture to imagine that it's not for so many people who want that connection so badly, sometimes without even knowing it.

Before this friend told me this story, we were sharing how grateful we both are to have jobs in where we know we daily engage in passions of our life that make a difference in the world. But there's a piece of me that still feels something is missing, a potential connection isn't meeting. Is this just the norm that comes of not being able to do all I want all at once -- change the lives of children while still writing and meditating and being present in my own free time and being a fun mother too. Or is it a gap I need to heal? I don't get to teach spirituality. I teach reading, writing, math and how to be a citizen from a child's perspective. The passion of teaching comes through connecting with children and families, particularly when there are barriers to overcome just as social or behavioral differences.

That's just it... I love connection. I'm connecting with them, sometimes helping them connect to each other, but are we connecting to G-d? Am I connecting all the parts of me, are we connecting all to each other, to nature, to our inner spirits? Or must the writer and meditator parts of me be reserved for different times.

In short, am I doing everything to the best of my abilities exactly as I should be? Or someday should I do it a little differently... the writer, meditating environmentalist teacher of behaviorally challenged children...

who loves to just sit and be alone sometimes in the woods.

And who already does that sometimes, returning to see the perfection in the present exactly as it is right now.

Yom Kippur 2011

2011-10-07T16:16:00.003-04:00

Entering into the holiday with intent to slow down and be present, especially for family. ND has had fever for two nights already, and is still sick. Appropriately timed to help me practice my priorities. Balancing the spiritual-in-shul and spiritual-in-life qualities.

Inspiring

2011-10-02T07:18:00.002-04:00

So we're sitting in shul on the first night of Rosh Hashanah. I'm the only woman there except for two little girls. ND says, "Why are there all those men over there and a leader on their side but there is no one over here?! It's not fair!"

I'm not sure whether she was just observing and whether her concern was more that there was a leader on only one side or that there were so few women, but it's inspiring. I think I'd like to attend shul a bit more this year. I still feel more connected at home, but this may make it worthwhile.

Rosh Hashanah 2011

2011-09-28T10:11:00.003-04:00

To a sweet new year of love and goodness and hope and healing and productivity and letting go and maybe of updating my blog sometimes.

Summer Summary 2011 Addendum

2011-08-29T07:04:00.003-04:00

At the end of July, before we headed off to Portland, ND and I had one more special trip. We spent a large chunk of a day at Philipsburg Manor. This is a really unique historic experience. The place used to be an extremely wealthy manor that produced tons of butter and flour, all the work done by slaves living nearby.

Now, it is a kind of museum in which the re-enactors are all constantly actually working the farm. They actually tend and keep the slaves' personal farm, actually run the mill and sell the flour, actually care for the animals. I spoke to the woman there who was in charge of the cows to find out her background. She said she had grown up on dairy and had a degree in history. What a great combination for her job.

We spent hours there, more than I would have expected. I'd been there before once while pregnant, but we got a lot out of it this time. Maybe coming on a weekday when it was less crowded helped. The highlights were watching the mill run, helping thresh wheat and then getting to help feed a calf and milk its mother!

We have some great pictures in this collection. Keep in mind, though, that an additional highlight for ND was having time to take pictures herself. I haven't included all of them, but some are there. She was especially proud of the deep pink close-ups of her backpack.

Hurricane Irene

2011-08-28T14:19:00.002-04:00

So we're some of the lucky ones who got to view this whole experience as a fun diversion and nothing more, at least as of now.

For the past two days there has been constant news reporting of evacuations and preparations. We didn't know quite what to be concerned about in Englewood, NJ. Our biggest worry was that a tree could fall on the house, and secondary concerns included lowing power or having the basement flood.

So we cleared all our heavy items that were outside and put them in the garage, we raised up things in the basement that we didn't want to get soaked, we loaded up on water and food. We very rarely cook meat, but I bought some free range chicken back at Pesach. Worried that it might spoil if we lost power, we cooked it on Friday and ate it through Shabbat. (Mostly just U. and ND ate it. I'm not so into meat, although I was at least glad it was more ethical meat.)

Last and most exciting preparation was sleeping in the downstairs guest room rather than the upstairs bedrooms for fear, again, of a tree falling on the house or in very extreme circumstances, a window shattering.

Woke up to find the air conditioning still running, a light still on in the bathroom. I turned on the radio and heard a static-like silence for a moment, than realized it was just a contestant taking his time to solve a problem on the Weekend Puzzle. Looked outside, some tree limbs are suspended in the power lines above our house, but no damage. Next door, on the other hand, a huge limb knocked down power and blocked the neighbor's driveway. There but for the grace of G-d... Note the 2 photos. The first is our house. The second, our neighbor's.

Spending the day indoors away from any last limbs cracking and getting all kinds of things done together.

Summer Summary 2011 - Cancun, Haines Falls, Portland, Alaska

2011-08-25T10:55:00.006-04:00

What a fabulous summer this has been. Unbelievable.

Things I accomplished around the house: cleaning out a few rooms (no, not as many as I thought, but more than if I had done none), finally clearing plastic flowers from flower boxes left here by previous owners, lots of time with ND etc.

Things I accomplished in writing: Had hoped to write for 40 hours, but got to about 32, not counting whatever I might squeeze in in the next few days. Sent out over a dozen pieces of writing. To date have received 2 rejections of a story and 4 poetry rejections, but accompanied with one acceptance to The Aurorean. (Fall/winter issue... maybe I'll post a link for that if it becomes available later.)

Then there are the trips.

I already wrote a plethora about Mexico. See previous posts labeled "Second Honeymoon" beginning with "We Actually Did It!"

Then there was the camping trip with emarcy with whom we've gone every year since I was pregnant with ND in 2006.

After that I had a few weeks of home to finish some things up and get ready for Portland. In Portland I visited a few friends... strange because there are fewer of them I want to see, less to talk about, etc., but I still feel so refreshed after returning to my roots.

In Portland (click on "Portland" for pics) we hit The Enchanted Forest (incidentally, I've been trying for over a decade to figure out how to write about my obsession with this place and now, as a mom, I think I finally know my hook. We also did The Oregon Zoo and Seaside. (You Jersey shore people know nothing of beach beauty. Nothing. Please forgive my arrogance on this, but it's too entirely different worlds.)

The second week of our Portland trip, ND attended Tryon Creek Day Camp.

Then... off on Alaskan cruise!!!!

Here are my parents' pics.

Here are ours.

We were together for nearly everything, except in Juneau. There my parents and ND went to a nature center at the bottom of the Mendenhall Glacier. U. and I took a helicopter ride to the top where we hiked with crampons. Probably the coolest thing I've ever done in my life.

Now we're back and I have just a few days left to scramble together doing things like unpacking and blogging about the summer. Then onto a new year with new students, new fulfillment and an occasional glance both backwards and forwards at summers.

(8/29/11) Please note I've just added an addendum with one more event at this blog post.)

Alaska trip prequel

2011-08-23T11:26:00.001-04:00

I have just a few days left to finish up stuff before the school year. One major task is documenting our trips to Portland, OR and then Alaska cruise from this summer. (Just got back on Sunday.) Lest I forget, I'm currently posting this link from my parents to get us started.

Young Meditation

2011-08-22T20:58:00.005-04:00

Right now I'm putting ND to bed. She started crying when she had a scary thought, so I laid down with her and helped her. We've read Peaceful Piggy Meditation a few times, so I used that as a reference and then talked about imagining a blue sky and letting the thoughts be like clouds or birds that come and go.

She tried it for a minute, then said she was picturing the feelings as pictures in a frame. I think she meant a digital frame, but I'm not sure. I loved her analogy and that she could take ownership of this process so I asked if I could write about it on my computer in a place that everyone could see and that I would do it right now. She said yes. So here it is.

P.S. After posting this message I looked down and saw she'd fallen asleep.

Recategorizing

2011-07-21T13:57:00.002-04:00

Today I had lunch with a woman whose daughter was my student 6 years ago.

I love shifting people from "parent-of-kid-I'm-teaching" category to "friend." It's a shame it takes so long.

Happy to add her to my very slowly growing collection of true NJ friends.

2nd Honeymoon -- One last adventure on the way home

2011-07-07T20:46:00.000-04:00

Friday morning we got up in time to pack up our room, have a nice cup of tea (me anyway... U. hates the smell of tea) at the hotel, and then be on our way.

It all went smoothly... arrived at the airport in plenty of time, uneventful flight back to Dallas, picked up on time etc.

Delighted to be back with ND and intrigued to see just a little bit of anxiety from her when I left the room to do some laundry, but otherwise a fairly seamless return. A perfectly predictable balance of her being impatient with me but very snuggly and eager to sit on my lap.

However, there was still one more thing to happen before our final return home.

On Sunday, in anticipation of the long flight back to Newark, U. downloaded several episodes of Caillou on his laptop. About an hour into the flight he pulled it out to set it up and immediately arose our first moment of tension throughout the entire trip.

"My computer's off. Why is it off?"

"I didn't turn it off."

"I didn't say you did."

And subsequently a few more not-so-pleasant exchanges, not our usual MO I'm glad to say. In any case, he went to turn it on to determine just what had gone wrong. It started up and he said,

"Oh now this is interesting..."

"What?" I leaned over trying to see.

"This isn't my computer."

We froze and stared at each other until ND picked up that something was wrong.

"What? What?"

"Hang on, N. We need to figure this out."

We called a flight attendant over. She said we would just have to call the airport when we landed and see if they could find ours. Immediately I started trying to calculate and determine from U. just what information we'd actually lost.

Then I thought that probably whoever had our computer wanted theirs back just as much as we wanted ours.

But where could it be? What if it was on its way to London? To China? How could it be determined? The switch must have happened in security, so it had to be someone with flights from the same area of the airport, but we'd come so early in the day. What if their flight was much earlier?

Another crew member approached, whether flight attendant or pilot I don't know. We re-explained the situation.

"Surely this can't be the first time this has happened," I said.

"Actually, it is."

He took the computer to see if he could locate some ID. About 20 minutes later we heard over the loudspeaker, "Is there a Mr. or Mrs. ________ on board."

"He figured out who it belongs to."

A moment later we saw one of the caller light buttons go off in business class. We couldn't see the face of the woman who pushed the button, but both the flight attendant and this 2nd crew member approached, spoke to her a moment, then showed her the laptop we'd handed over.

"It's here! It's here!"

They took down her bag and handed it to her. As she opened it the flight attendant made eye contact with us back in row 23 and gave a thumbs up.

We cheered as quietly and respectfully as etiquette requires on an airplane.

2nd Honeymoon - day 3

2011-07-07T20:27:00.000-04:00

(No photos for this entry for reasons that hopefully will become clear as you read.)

Thursday

We woke up Thursday morning eager for our previously canceled trip to Puerto Moreles where we hoped to go snorkeling again. A few times we discussed whether or not to have an adventure that too closely resembled that of the previous day. We could now successfully cross snorkeling off our list and do something else, but after enjoying it so much, we wanted more. In addition, I at least felt that it would have been nice to have a more colorful location with even more varieties of wildlife in the reef.

Alas, as we finished packing up our things for the day, ready to go out into the lobby to wait for our ride, the phone rang and we were told that the sea was still just too choppy, that it had been closed to snorkeling. We were disappointed and mobilized immediately to plan our alternative. Kimberly, our travel agent, ran through some options with us. One involved taking a boat to an island, cruising around there and basically spending the whole day exploring. However, she kept throwing in the added bonuses of the trip such as free drinks on the boat, a place to eat lunch, more drinks, and we knew we just weren’t interested.

Remembering something he’d read about early on in our plans for Cancun, Uri suggested the Underwater Museum. It is a museum of sculptures in the ocean that eventually would become part of the natural reef as wildlife attached itself to them. In the meantime, we were mesmerized by the photos of figures under the water and that notion that we could be underneath the water with them with fish swimming past us like the day before.

We jumped into action, eager to make a reservation before the boat filled up and we made it just in time with just two spots left on the boat. We drove to Aqua World, confirmed our reservation and went out on the back porch to wait for our tour. There were many other tours from the same spot as well as a place to buy drinks. We saw a lot of other tourists there, mostly in bathing suits and many with tattoos. Everyone was relaxed and just hanging out on the dock waiting for their tours to leave.

We had our usual long pre-tour wait during which we wondered exactly what to expect and how even to ask questions. Eventually the tour guide, Angel, approached. He looked older than some of the tour guides we'd met previously which reassured me a little. He looked calm and willing to entertain any questions we might have, but his English wasn’t as strong. I saw a big tour boat and asked if that was what we were taking to the museum. “No,” he laughed. “We’re going in a fast boat.” Then he gave us our life vests, directed us to pick up fins and waited a bit more.

I looked around at the others in the area wondering who would be on our tour. I saw a family with young children that I knew couldn’t be coming. I also saw a blonde woman in a bikini who was flirting with some of the guides, laughing at everything she said. There were some middle-aged men and a group of teenage boys with them.

Eventually all of them, except the family, were called together with us to go onto the boat. Two young women in front of us were from Maryland and had quite a few tattoos. Later that evening when we would compare notes about the day, U. and I would both reflect on our similar reactions, that judging solely on appearances, these didn’t seem to be people who we would normally expect to visit museums.

The boat was a small one, enough to hold about a dozen tourists and about 4 guides. We buckled in and listened to the tour guides give instructions, alternating between Spanish and English. They warned that the water was a bit choppy and that the boat would be going very fast, so we shouldn’t be surprised if the boat jumped sometimes.

U. and I were sitting near the front, the guy across the aisle from us right away called for "MUSIC!" and they cranked it up as high as it would go. The boat took off, picking up speed as soon as it was able and we were speeding through the waters at about 60 or 70 MPH, if I remember correctly what the captain said. For fun the captain rocked the boat back and forth with the steering wheel. It annoyed me in theory but was actually fun and all the people behind us were cheering madly. U. joked that he thought the music was awfully loud, but saw it wasn’t really an issue because we were traveling faster than the speed of sound anyway.

It was at this point I began to wonder just a little about whether this trip was a good fit for us. I enjoyed trying to be in on the party scene for a few minutes, even though it’s not usually what I would choose, and I find myself instantly defining this lifestyle as self-destructive and in fact terrible for the environment. But I was there and that wasn’t changing, so I enjoyed it.

When we slowed down to pass through some mangroves the music was turned up even a tad louder so we could show off to the people and other tour groups on the shore. I leaned over to U. and said I understood, now , the importance of the loud music... in order to keep crocodiles away.

Through the mangroves, we raced back into much much more ocean until suddenly, in what appeared to me to be the middle of the ocean without a landmark, the captain stopped the boat. The guides handed out or goggles, attaching it to our snorkeling tours, and instructed us to proceed to the back of the boat where we would put on our fins and jump in. We were advised to hold onto the rope attached to the boat with a buoy until everyone was off the boat at which we would let go and just try to stay together. If we felt tired or anything we could signal for help and they would be able to pull us with a buoy.

All that sounded just fine. I suppose. But what we saw were waves, big waves, enormous waves that would have been very fun to ride a speed boat over, but that I could not see myself swimming in. "You've got to be kidding," we said to each other, but jumped in anyway.

Instantly I felt nauseous and searched for U. to hold hands as we had done on the previous day. We tried but could barely keep together and I kept trying to take his hand and put it onto the rope. Eventually I realized that I felt more nauseous on the rope because it was fighting the waves. So seeing that the others had let go, I let go too, trusted, and began to swim.

As challenging as it was to swim in those waters, I wanted to see the museum, so I put my head under the surface. What I discovered was that the ocean really has a completely different world beneath the water than above. It was quiet and deep, with wildlife below and a peaceful rocking sensation. I saw fish and a sea star. One of the guides dove deep to point at parts of the reef. But when I came up it was like being in a disaster movie. Bodies were bobbing around me of the other swimmers – alive bodies, but bodies that were prevented from drowning only by the life preservers. We were tiny little objects in a vast ocean.

All the time I was trying to do this while staying close to U., but he signaled a guide and said he needed to get in the boat. It was just too much. “It happens, man,” the guide said and gently took U. I didn’t know quite what the problem was, but I wanted to continue on and I knew he would want me to anyway. So a moment later I looked up, saw him on the back of the boat getting his breath, and then continued on feeling alone and not quite as brave.

Again and again I tried to enjoy the sea, looking beneath the water, then checking to make sure the group was still nearby. But I began to feel afraid too. The waves seemed to be getting stronger and stronger, especially if the boat needed to come close enough to pick up U. and, as I would later discover, several of the others as well. I ducked beneath the water and found myself remembering movies in which people had died beneath the water, how peaceful it looked, yet knowing that at least I didn’t have to worry about dying. Then I popped up and saw another wave coming my way and thinking, “Oh know, I can’t take another one.” That reminded me of giving birth to ND so many years ago, and how my contractions had come in an odd pattern of strong and then weak waves, one after another. I remembered saying, “I can’t handle another one,” and the doula saying, “No, remember, the second one is just an aftershock.” Having that memory made me say to myself, “OK, if I’m remembering that, I may very well be at my limit.”

Still, there were others in the water and I wanted to see the museum. So at last I ducked under and saw what must have been one of the statues I’d seen online. I hadn’t been entirely sure what it was when I'd seen the photo… a large group of people standing around as though in a train station. In real life, I saw for sure that there were many figures, but they were pretty far beneath me, maybe about 15-20 feet below, and they were so covered in seaweed, I couldn’t make them out. I popped up, saw others bobbing around me still, then went under again. There I saw another sculpture, again a series of many figures, and again that was all I could make out.

By now I’d had enough.

I thought I’d been close to a guide all along, but when I said, “I feel sick,” the person closest to me took out her breathing tube and turned out to be one of the American women on the tour with us. She said, “If you stay under more you might not feel it as much.” I gave it a little try, but had definitely had it. I popped up again and this time waved my arm. Right away a guide was by my side and I just barely was able to say now, “I don’t feel good.” At other times during the trip I had tried Spanish wherever possible, but not this time. He handed me a buoy and pulled me with a rope towards the boat where the captain threw out another one for me to grab and dragged me in. He pulled me up onto the boat where I discovered I was completely spent. He gave me a bag in case I needed to throw up, and I gathered my strength to come up to the front of the boat with U. He was sitting as motionless as possible with his head resting on the bar in front of him, moaning now and then as the boat rocked. I joined him, feeling almost as bad as he seemed to, but a little more alert. I gradually realized that others had come back in as well, that more were coming in behind me, and then the captain called out in Spanish, “Charlie, bring them all in!” signaling with his arms.

I have no idea how long we were in the water. It was supposed to be about 45 minutes, but I don’t think I lasted more than 15 or 20. It seemed that the guides were surprised themselves of just how bad it was out there. After all, many of the ports had been closed that day. Once everyone was on board they blasted the music again, but this time I asked them to keep it down. Of the guides, one in particular was keeping an eye on us and was happy to turn it down. The guy on the aisle across from us looked disappointed, but as I think about it, I'm not sure he ever got in the water at all and so naturally was feeling the best of any of us. Later when we came through the mangroves again he yelled out “Music!” again and this time they cranked it up high.

By then I, at least, was feeling better. U. didn’t look so good. But when the guide came to ask me just what was wrong… was I hurting? Did I need to throw up? All I could think to say was, “I just want to go to sleep.” Later U. would say the same had been true for him, that he hadn’t had enough to sleep anyway, and then the sheer exertion of fighting the water had did him in. The guide also suggested I had perhaps swallowed too much salt water. I'm sure he was absolutely right on that.

The captain brought us back quickly, but obliged the thrill seekers on our boat with a few even heavier turns back and forth on the steering wheel so that we splashed down hard, close to the water and even spun the boat around a few times. I was worried about U. but he didn’t complain about it, and at the same time I kind of enjoyed the excitement, if only I could rest soon.

When we finally came in to port they brought out the tip jar that one refered to as “the happy box.” I had no issues with anyone on that boat, they’d gotten is out and back in again safely, but I couldn’t help but laugh.

Once on land I took charge, getting our bag from the car, buying a soda for U. and getting us back to our hotel. Once there, we napped a glorious nap, swam in the hotel pool, cooked up dinner of green beans, baked beans and cheese stirred together in a pan on the hotel stove, went out for a beer, packed our bags, watched Frasier, then crashed hard for the night.

Reading this now, I don't know for sure how much danger we were really in. I'm glad it's over and I never want to do it again, but there's a way in which I'm excited to have had so intense of an experience.

2nd honeymoon -- Day 2

2011-07-07T20:26:00.000-04:00

Wednesday

As I noted in the previous post, Chichen Itza was the most important part of the trip. This was what U. had wanted to see for ages. But as he'd planned the trip and asked me for options, I had become most interested in snorkeling.

Our travel agent from Cancunmermaid had us scheduled to go to Puerto Moreles on Wednesday. How disappointed we were when she called to say that the wind was too strong, the port was closed and we wouldn't be allowed to go today. She assured us that we could try again on Thursday. In the meantime she booked us a chance to take a jungle tour. Now I imagined that to be an exploration through a jungle. After all, that's what it sounded like! But really it meant riding in caravan on personal speed boats to a snorkeling spot within the lagoon. (See the map on previous post to see the lagoon to the west of the hotel zone.)

It sounded a little scary. I'd never done it before and don't love to have a change of plans, but we went for it. One feature we've noted of Cancun tours of any kind is that no one tells you what you're doing unless they have to. So we went to the site and waited and waited until we were handed fins and a snorkel. "I've never done this before," I said. Instead of instructions I received, "Don't worry. You'll be fine." I was reassured at least to see on the tour a family with a child about 10 years old, an Asian family that had difficulty operating their boat, and a couple who was older than us. I figured if they could do this, so could we.

We were shown how to operate the boats and then sped out across the water, bumping off waves as we went. It was fun and U. enjoyed driving us. Finally we reached an area separated out with buoys. We were given goggles, and people in the boat next to us helped us figure out how to put on our gear. Then we slid off the front of the boat and jumped in.

The reef here was very shallow. We were warned that it was easy to stand on the ground, but that doing so would destroy the reef. "Don't touch anything!" the guide, Alex, warned. But the sea was calm and we quickly learned how to peer under the water. At first I was a little disappointed as the reef was shining with the colors I've normally seen in photos of reefs. Instead it was white with tiny plants waving on us waving with the movement of the water.

U. discovered he couldn't wear his glasses beneath his goggles. He had no real trouble seeing underwater, but was worried he wouldn't be able to stay with the group as we moved through the water, so we held hands as we swam together.

Suddenly I found myself screaming a little as something bumped against me. A school of fish was swimming through and they were all around, under, over us! It was startling, and then I wanted more. Alex handed us some kind of food. The moment we brought it to the water, the fish swarmed, nibbling even on my finger so I couldn't help screaming with surprise and excitement again.

We tried to swim on, but the current kept pulling us back to our boats, so I learned a lesson from U. that I don't always have to move on, but can just enjoy where I am. We went underneath again and again looking for fish and pointing and following them whenever we could.

It was absolutely delightful. Without a doubt, my favorite day of the trip. It was a relatively short excursion, but so good it wasn't worth doing anything else important that day.

Oh yes, come to think of it, we had to run some errands... one of our bags had been broken on the airplane and we had to search out a store to buy a new one, but that was all. We would have liked to have gone to the mercado also, an outdoor market near our hotel. But alas, you can't do it all.

We actually did it! -- 2nd Honeymoon, arrival and day 1

2011-07-07T20:25:00.000-04:00

We've been planning for this for over a year.

We had the nerve to leave ND with her grandparents in Texas for almost a whole week while we flew to Cancun and celebrated our 10 year anniversary. She had a fabulous time, barely asked about us and is one of the best travelers I've ever met! (Thank goodness for travel playdough, Highlights puzzle books and $7.99 TV option on the plane! -- Yes, we used it.)

Sunday

We had a LOT of airport trouble. I don't want to go into details, but we were supposed to leave around 9:30 in the morning and didn't get to go until nearly 5. Don't want to think or write about the d, but ND was fine with all of it and kept busy and happy the entire time.

When we finally arrived, Savta S. had pasta and salmon for us to eat in the car on the way to their place. We repacked our things, separating ND's stuff and anything we were leaving behind from the stuff we planned to take including LOTS of food. (Nothing much Kosher in Cancun.)

To bed early, confused about whether to go to bed in this time zone's time zone or the previous, eager for the next day.

Monday

Said goodbyes and entertained last moments of worry that I've been entertaining since we first began planning this trip, but ND was fine. A hug and a kiss and she didn't look twice as we gathered our bags and headed into the airport. So strange to just be the two of us. Hard to imagine at first, and I think we both wondered if we would either get tired of each other during these days away. After the fact I'm happy to say that we didn't.

The flight left fairly early in the day, but it was a long day of traveling anyway. About 3 hours on the plane and then at least a half an hour to go through immigration, customs etc. on the Mexico side. It was pouring rain when we arrived and we needed to depend on shuttles and people we didn't completely understand to help us get where we wanted to go.

Cancun's only export is tourism. Most tourists stay on the long strip referred to either as the "7" or the "hotel zone." (Zona hotelera on the map.) These are enormous fancy hotels with private beaches and enormous hedges to block off the road from view. We had decided long before that we didn't want to stay there. Instead we stayed at El Hotel Rey Del Caribe downtown. Look closely at the map and you'll see near the top a street called Uxmal. (A German who helped me at one point when we were lost explained it's pronounced "Ooszh-mal.") Click on the link to the hotel and you'll see some gorgeous photos. They're all pretty accurate except that they do make the pool look slightly larger than it was. Also, there is no beach next to it, despite the beach photos. Who cares though?! It was one of the sweetest hotels I've stayed in my whole life. A family business with eco-sensitivity, large rooms, and a jungle in the courtyard! I very much enjoyed the little lizards that resided in there.

As a note about the hotel, though, one morning I was davening outside in the early morning on a platform above the spa that you can see behind the pool. I was just about to begin the amidah when I looked up and discovered I was facing a totally unacceptable-to-daven-in-front-of Mayan image. I took a step away from it to the right in front of a little cavern in the wall for a light fixture and heard squeaking. After having watched them swinging through the air already looking for bugs, I knew this was a bat. I finished my prayers indoors.

After we settled into the hotel we tried to go for a walk. The truth is there wasn't much to get to in that area, but we find a little bar next door at the Best Western. We had lemonades and made friends with Umberto who was very happy to serve us there as we determined the value of our money and tried to figure out how much wasn't too much for a tip.

Tuesday

This was the most important reason we came to Cancun... to see Chichen Itza. As U. describes, part of how we chose Cancun as the spot for our vacation was by drawing a radius around either set of grandparents on the map and seeing what there we already wanted to see. He had long been fascinated with these Mayan ruins and we scheduled them for our first full day there in order to guarantee the chance to see them.

It was raining, but we didn't mind at all. It meant it wouldn't be so hot, and also added a nice sort of melancholy to the day that felt very reflective.

We were signed up for a tour and a bus came to pick us up at 7 AM. The drive to Chichen Itza is only supposed to be about 2 1/2 hours away, but this trip took us also to a cenote and to a place for lunch. The lunch place was somewhat of a waste for us because we had to bring our food anyway, and there was also 45 minutes set aside there for shopping. We finished shopping quickly, the most important of which was a hammock chair I couldn't resist but which would later become a real pain to schlep.

The cenote, though, was another story. We arrived at a little farm that had the cenote on premises. Our tour guide was very enthusiastic and for the entire ride had already been talking nonstop in English and Spanish, switching back and forth between the two so quickly that I couldn't always identify what he was saying. At the farm he pointed out all sorts of features including fossils in a stone near the entrance, different plants that produced antidotes to each others poisons and more. He talked and talked and talked and talked and finally brought us to the cenote with the words, "You have 15 minutes."

If there is any one regret U. and I have from this trip it is that that was all he gave us. We would have much preferred to have the time to change into our swimsuits that we'd been carrying during this time and to really explore down there. Instead we descended into the ground, allowed ourselves to be awed and, in my case at least, a little scared of the steep steps and the enormity of the cavern. We walked around the perimeter, carefully helping each other over the slippery parts, finally having our picture taken on the platform placed there for that purpose.

Much later we would also see 2 cenotes at Chichen Itza, the famous sacred one mentioned on the link above under "cenote" above. This cenote was used for sacrifice and archaeologists have found many bodies inside. We also saw another that I will refer to briefly later.

It was early afternoon when we at last reached Chichen Itza. We had been driving for miles through sparsely populated areas, now and then passing small buildings or shacks belonging to descendants of Mayans.

The park of Chichen Itza was itself very touristy. Every step of the way we were approached or called to by vendors with all sorts of crafts to sell. We kept hearing these frightening sounds that we gradually discovered were toys you blew into to mimic the sound of jaguars.

After we got through the initial tourist information spot and received our tickets, we came through, walking into a courtyard that led us directly to the famous main pyramid. We abandoned our tour guide, eager for time just to explore on our own and circled the pyramid, learning whatever we could by reading plaques or each sharing observations or memories of what we'd read previously.
After circling it once we explored the buildings around it too including the famous ball court and so on. The best part was searching for the observatory. The Mayans were some of the first really high quality astronomers and had made observations before anyone else about how to predict alignment of stars and planets. We had to walk quite a way to find it, however, and found ourselves going through a quieter and more secluded path in the jungle. We were not allowed to climb on most of the monuments, but there we found the old marketplace where we side-stepped up and looked around a moment and where a boy pointed us down the path towards the observatory.

Somewhere else along the path at one point, I saw a small boy and girl, probably siblings. The boy was maybe 7 or 8, the child closer to 4. The boy looked protectively towards the girl and was guiding her past a barrier that we weren't supposed to cross. I assume they were part of one of the families selling souvenirs and were on their way home. I loved the look the boy gave me, checking me over to see if I would notice he was going where I wasn't allowed to.

Along that path U. and I had a few moments all alone and found the second cenote I mentioned above. We could hear and feel the quiet aliveness of the place in a way that we couldn't with a tour.

Eventually the tour did catch up to us and the guide made a joke that implied he was offended by our departure, but we had gotten what we'd come for.

It was a long long drive back to the hotel and we didn't arrive until 9 PM. But we were satisfied to have fulfilled the first step of the journey.

A teaching relevant post for this... 2 days after the kids went home

2011-06-23T06:14:00.002-04:00

Great article about what makes a good teacher.

I would add that while a clean classroom is great, the part about being organized does not necessitate having everything perfectly tidy. With all due respect, I sometimes see perfect cleanliness traded off for some of those other good things he mentions.

ND's end of the year celebration

2011-06-19T21:30:00.001-04:00

Can't believe she's graduating and heading for pre-k!

Love how self-assured she is when she walks on in the first video with her picture projected behind her.

10 Year Anniversary Dvar Torah

2011-06-18T22:01:00.003-04:00

What a great Shabbat this has been. Yesterday was our 10 year anniversary, so today we sponsored a kiddush and had some guests for Shabbat where I shared a little Dvar Torah.

10 years ago, at the Shabbat preceding our wedding, I spoke to a room of women including my mother and mother-in-law-to-be about the parsha Shelach. In the parsha, the spies that enter Israel bring back reports of a land of abundance. I remember describing to the group the enormous grapes they carried, and I compared these fruits to the success they have shown me in their own marriages as U. and I prepared to enter into that "land" as well.

10 years later, I have more to add. Just as the spies came out with abundant fruits they also brought out some fears in the people. Throughout our marriage we have had many ups, but downs too. Many of our conflicts have come from us either following bad habits or trying too much to emulate what we thought our roles should be based on what we'd seen in others.

Over the years we've learned to believe in ourselves as individuals more, to believe in each other more, and to believe in the marriage itself more. At the times when I've felt the least secure in our marriage, it has been very similar to another part of the parsha, when the meraglim say, "We were like grasshoppers in our eyes." This unhealthy self-concept can lead to dysfunction.

The more I've been able to create a healthy respect for myself, the more I've been able to respect my spouse as well, and the happier we've grown. We don't always have to follow what other couples look like. As Dr. Seuss is quoted as saying, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

ND's Nursery Rhymes

2011-06-12T13:52:00.003-04:00

We've been reading this book for awhile, but only last night did I discover she knows most of the rhymes by heart!

I tried posting here directly, but it didn't work, so visit my picasa link to listen!

Tread On Trafficking update

2011-06-11T22:01:00.003-04:00

I wrote once before about Tread on Trafficking. I'm more than halfway to my goals, both fitness and monetary, but it's going to take a big push to finish. I'm not used to asking for money from people so am using the tool I'm most comfortable to do it... below is the text I'm planning to email to a lot of people tonight to push the donations over the edge.

*****

I don't know why, but from a very young age I was always fascinated with and furious about misuse of power in relationships between men and women. As a high school student this meant volunteering in an office that helped victims of domestic violence. In College it meant training for a Sexual Assault Support hotline that served students on campus.

Some time after college I stopped thinking about these issues so much. Perhaps it was because I was myself now in a safe marriage and simply didn't see people around me as vulnerable as I did when my peers and I were younger. My concern shifted more towards helping the children in my classroom and on being a mother.

Some time ago I learned about an organization called Love146. (See http://love146.org/) When I read about them, all the fury and grief and passion I once had in regards to issues of sexual abuse exploded once again, but with a strength they'd never had before. This organization has the courage and tenacity to confront child sex trafficking.

Read that again:
Child sex trafficking.

When I first read those words I felt the instant tension to make a choice... do I weep or do I try not to think about this horrible idea? But the more I read their site, the more I was pulled in. First I was shocked at the reality of how bad and how widespread things are out their for such a vulnerable population all over the world, including the US.

Secondly, I was touched by the love and care with which this organization handles its job of rescuing children and giving them a new life, as well as preventing prostitution and other trafficking, by helping young children have access to education.

There is a husband-wife couple in Boston that supports Love146 and which began a program called Tread on Trafficking. The program is fun and inspiring and makes it much easier for people to confront this horrible topic through building awareness during a fundraiser. Volunteers like myself choose a personal goal (usually fitness) as well as a fundraising goal.

I wasn't sure the purpose of choosing a fitness goal. In a way it seemed arbitrary. But I chose anyway to do 500 aerobic minutes (walking or biking... and walking on Shabbat wouldn't count) while also raising $500 for Love146 by the end of June. Now, everyday even if I can only squeeze in a 10 minute sprint on our exercise bike, I'm reminded to spread awareness of this topic. Every time I look at my list on the fridge of how much I've done so far, I feel inspired that, bit by bit, people can make little differences in the world mean a lot.

To that end, I'm asking your help. As I write this email I've exercised over 300 minutes and have raised just under that number of dollars. I have $200 to go. If 10 friends each give $20 or if 20 friends each give 10 dollars, I'm set. If we overshoot the goal, even better. But if you could just help out a tiny bit it would mean a lot to me.

To donate to my personal page, please click here:
http://love146.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=474460&lis=0kntae474460=E47F2EDBD1DB4F2A81AA3CE0B76D2C6B

If we get lucky and, when you decide to donate, I've already exceeded the $500 goal, I hope you'll go to this link:
http://love146.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=474460&lis=0&kntae474460=E221BFCF355E4F37AC1977F54B3F0FC3&supId=0&team=4208575&cj=Y

That is the personal page of a group of girls at the Love146 round home. These are girls who have gained a new life thanks to Love146's intervention and they also wanted to be involved on Tread on Trafficking.

Thank you so much for taking to the time to read my appeal to you. I hope you'll donate and pass on the word to others too.

...and Saturday's question

2011-05-23T05:44:00.000-04:00

"Why did the dinosaurs only used to be?"

Bedtime rocks

2011-05-19T20:27:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting working on my laptop as ND tries to fall asleep.

"Mom?"

"Yes, hon?"

"Who made Hashem?"

Tread On Trafficking

2011-05-14T22:12:00.003-04:00

It's almost too painful to consider, but child sex trafficking happens in the world. I became more aware of the problem when learning of the organization Love146. For nights after I discovered this organization needed to exist, I could barely sleep.

This year I'm participating in their Tread On Trafficking campaign. Through this campaign you choose a personal fitness goal and ask others to sponsor you in your goal. It's actually fun, and using fun towards greater goals -- both my own personal fitness and helping others -- is cool. I decided to log 500 minutes of aerobic activity -- either walking or biking -- and to raise $500. I'm up to over 100 minutes, but less than $100 at this point.

Please help me out... even a small amount. You can donate directly to my page, or if you're worried about having to leave your address, give me cash that I'll donate on your behalf.

Thank you.

In The News

2011-05-02T15:58:00.003-04:00

What an odd morning... waking up after a groggy to discover that Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Came to school and my 2nd graders were very excited, all talking in groups in the room. I kept hearing snippets. "Dead" "killed" etc. Especially kept hearing the voice of one student who is quiet on everything but politics and math.

So of course we had a meeting. I asked what they'd heard in the news. I said I wanted to help them understand things they'd heard, find out what was true, what wasn't true, what we didn't know etc. That child I just mentioned stated clearly,

"They got the guy who planned the attack on the two towers."

"Great," I said. "What else do you know?" and called on someone else.

"The Yankees beat the..." (I don't even remember who he said.)

"It was my birthday."

"I saw this cool motorcycle race on TV."

In short, they had no clue. These are 2nd graders. None of them were even born before 2011. And ant hills are bigger than mountains to them.

Love it.

Final Count

2011-05-02T15:57:00.001-04:00

For the record... about $1000. Not worth thinking about too much, I guess. Glad to have my kitchen back to normal now.

And so on...

2011-04-15T15:10:00.001-04:00

Now up to about $530, including food for this Shabbat.

Oh well

2011-04-10T00:20:00.002-04:00

A friend of mine said she was going to buy all of her food for Pesach for under $250. (Family of 4, but no guests.) Once she said this, I naturally wondered if I could do it too.

Oh well. Already blew it. As of tonight the count is at $270, including free range chicken that we ordered from Grow and Behold. I have not bought any fresh vegetables, fruit, milk or eggs yet.

At least I haven't bought any junk food yet.

Revision to "Hardly Any"

2011-03-30T14:25:00.002-04:00

So now some obsession is back... maybe not as bad as in the past.

But whatever I had that knocked me out when I wrote "hardly any"... I still seem to have. I missed another day of work on Monday, the day after Purim. And again several other days and parts of days throughout last week and this one.

This is a big week. I had parent-teacher conferences on Monday night and have them again tonight. Yesterday I felt fine in the morning, but whoozy by afternoon. Monday I came to school late and went home early (and pale, I'm told) before coming back for conferences. Didn't go in at all today as my throat has started swelling, and it's never good for me to teach like that if I want to get through the day.

I think I'm ok for tonight though. Maybe unrealistically optimistic about tomorrow.

Am I worried? I guess. A lot? No. I'll get through it. I just don't like it.

Casheshesher

2011-03-21T21:25:00.003-04:00

We've been doing some goal-setting in our house lately. And U. invited ND to join in. He asked if she'd like to set a goal for herself and earn herself a prize. In the end, we chose the goal... a series of days of eating a salad each day. This is just to help increase vegetable intake and, hopefully, help her like more options.

So far so good. She has only 4 days left, and her prize is sitting in a box in my office. The prize she asked for, a casheshesher. A picture of the one we ordered is below:

Hardly Any

2011-03-10T20:57:00.002-05:00

Home sick today. Felt hardly any guilt about it. After all, I've had a much healthier year and I went in yesterday only to find myself so fatigued I needed to leave by afternoon.

That doesn't mean I didn't obsess today. I spent plenty of time wondering whether I should be sleeping, writing, watching a movie, starting Shabbos cooking, doing yoga. Plenty.

But no guilt. At least, hardly any. That's progress.

Blankets

2011-03-10T20:55:00.002-05:00

We have a problem at our house.

ND says she doesn't want to unmake her bed to get into it because it look so beautiful with the blankets "flat." She prefers to sleep on top of the blankets. I agreed she's allowed to as long as she will take other blankets on top of her.

I hope when she's older and living on her own that she will come over sometimes to help clean house for me.

I-Interactions

2011-03-06T08:02:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking of writing an actual article about this... consider this a brief draft.

As a parent I have discovered that a sure way to make for an incomplete, dissatisfying or downright distressing evening is through too much multitasking. Well, multitasking of the wrong sort anyway. I can cook and interact with ND, but I can't do anything school related. It's been a blessing for me as, when I come home, I devote that time to her and my household instead of work. This has been as good for me as for her.

Multitasking takes us out of the moment. It works against anything inside us that is trying to be present at all and to actual enjoy what is transpiring or what we are doing (however mundane).

I hate iphones and the like because of this. I hate being in a room of people while some small part of them is wired out of the room and away from me.

There is one small exception to this.

U. got an ipod Touch recently. It's mostly been a little less useful to us than we had hoped. Fun to have, but definitely a toy rather than a tool at this point. We've gradually developed some rules or routines about when to use and when not to, because we don't want it getting in the way of our family interactions.

So it has been a lovely surprise to find one way in which it actually brings me closer to people. My parents and half-brother live 3000 miles away. I talk to my parents once or twice a week, although often it's hard to know what to talk about. I talk to my brother far less frequently. I would prefer to be with them, sharing an activity, but that is seemingly impossible at this distance.

Now here's the thing... There is a game on our i-gadgets called Words With Friends. It's basically Scrabble that you can play long-distance. It is now a part of my weekly routine to be engaged in a game with any one of them... sometimes multiple games. And when I play a word while on the exercise bike in the morning, or right after dinner in the evening, I'm interacting, however briefly. Sometimes, too, U. and I conspire together, helping to figure out what move to make, and sometimes we let ND actually move those letters onto the "board."

It can become addictive, and I have to be careful I don't jump away from my immediate family mid-conversation when I hear that little chime go off on the iPod, telling me it's my turn. We have to keep each other in check sometimes. But I have to admit, this is one time when this little home-wrecking piece of metal is bringing me closer to someone, instead of further away.

What We Give Up

2011-02-26T22:37:00.002-05:00

David Baker, the poet I met with on my post about Chautauqua, said to me that one of the ways we can call ourselves writers is by asking what we give up in order to write. I had planned to do a lot of writing tonight, but I've been so enjoying this evening with U. exercising, planning our summer trips and watching a little TV together. I'm going to put in a little time now on a new piece of writing that I'm inspired to start, thanks to my new writer's group. Obviously also putting some time in here on the blog. What am I giving up? A little sleep tonight, I suppose.

It's OK. I may not be writing a ton, but I'm writing.

A Ploy to Help ND Eat Healthfully

2011-02-19T20:31:00.003-05:00

As part of my striving to have just the life I want, I've been making a real effort do dedicate special time to ND in our afternoons. One of her favorite things is to create "projects."

And one problem we have is that she just doesn't like that many foods -- once she decide she doesn't like something, she rejects it. (Sometimes she'll reject something for other reasons and say she's tried it before when he hasn't.)

So we made the following poster:
It's a modified food pyramid listing categories of foods. The pictures are just printed out from my laptop using Google images to locate them. ND is only allowed to glue on pictures of foods she actually likes. She was so excited by the concept that this would help Dad buy groceries! We're obviously not finished yet. She has some she hasn't even cut out yet.

The idea, though, is that I can offer a new food and say, "If you try this and like it, you can add it to the poster!!!"

Note too that the special treats and desserts section is a different color. We talked about how these just taste good and you shouldn't eat so much because they aren't so good for your body.

Goals Gradually Coming To Fruition

2011-02-18T06:00:00.002-05:00

A wonderful thing happened about a week ago. One night when I was too tired to get off the couch, instead of browsing Facebook, I went to LinkedIn and clicked around in a Writer's Cafe I once found there.

I asked a question about how I could find an online writing group, and, a few days later, was invited into one. I couldn't decide at first whether I could do it. It takes a commitment of two submissions and 4 critiques per MONTH. I was sure it was irresponsible for me to take on this extra work as I simplify my life.

But I couldn't say no. I applied, they accepted me, and I've spent this whole week spending stolen minutes reading posts and previous submissions.

This morning I got up before 5 and spent my first hour actually working on it... sent in two critiques and a poem I began in November.

It's 6 now. I have time for 10 minutes of yoga before I move on to the rest of my morning agenda.

Predictable Irony: Health Addendum

2011-02-12T20:06:00.002-05:00

I can think of very few times when I've talked about having good health and then remained in good health. The good news is that my lapse this week was very short, --a product, I hope, of the things mentioned in my last post.

Tuesday night I began to feel fatigued (rather than tired) and and had a scratchy throat. I went to bed early, did a Wet Socks Treatment and went to bed as early as I could. I warned my assistant over email the night before, and in the morning I slept in some, did a very long restorative yoga session and came in an hour late. I was tired and slow all day, but made it through and felt fine again the next day. Still, I didn't go back on the exercise bike, and stuck to yoga instead the rest of the week, although more rigorous than the restorative.

I forgot to mention a few things in the last post:

I see a chiropractor weekly most of the time. We have a special deal worked out and I really appreciate having someone regular with whom to check in about my health.

U. and I lift weights in the evenings a few times per week when I'm feeling well.

There's more too, but now that I have time to write about it, I can't remember... (Need some of that "Get Smart" tea made by the same people as the Wellness Tea I mentioned in the last post. Yes, I do drink it, but not every day.)

Life Wish Installment Number 3: Health

2011-02-05T20:30:00.003-05:00

As promised in my post Winter Vacation!, here is my 3 Life Wish Installment... one in which I'm already making huge strides... health.

Anyone who has known me or followed my blog for some time knows that health is a big issue for me... or has certainly been a worry. Not so much because of my history with cancer directly... I don't consciously worry much about big things happening to me. However, when I catch a cold, I get anxious and upset and even blame myself for it happening. And in previous years it really seemed to happen quite a lot! Sometimes I felt sick every week. I've done a lot to look into it... visited doctors, taken tons of supplements, read websites about scary diseases, charted every runny nose and when during the week or month I received it etc.

Thank G-d, this is the first year in which I think I'm actually making significant progress. I am much more aware of my body, taking more active steps to help it and the result is I get through more weeks feeling better than before.

So if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share what's gotten me there.

To begin, I've had an attitude shift. In the past I think if I felt healthy I tried really hard to conquer the world and pushed my body to the limit. I still feel that tendency, but now realize I need to practice moderation in my energy levels more carefully. Instead of seeing myself as being well or unwell, I realize how delicate my body really is and how much attention it needs at all times to remain healthy. Before, too, I often thought I was getting sick near the end of the week. Now I know that that is energy depletion and that I have to stop and rest as soon as possible at that time if I want to prevent anything coming.

1. I try to sleep enough. I read a book recommended to me years ago called Sleep Thieves. This book scared the be-jeebees out of me by talking about the terrible habits we have entered into as a society, ridiculing sleep, and how many accidents and fatalities are the result. Around the time I was reading it, I was starting to worry too about my memory. I would have terrible trouble with word recall, especially by the afternoon and was losing things all the time. I thought I was getting enough sleep... between 6 1/2 to 7 1/2 hours probably, skimping extra near the end of the week when I just had to push hard to get to the weekend. After reading this book I finally learned that are bodies actually want 9 hours and should be able to get by on 8. Sounds like an indulgence, but I tried it and am kinder, more present, more relaxed, more efficient and less forgetful than before... not to mention healthier. Does this mean I get 9 hours of sleep each night? Definitely not. But I try really hard to get closer to it. For sure I try to get to bed quite early (even giving up time to talk to my husband at all!) one or two nights in the beginning of the week and really go for a marathon sleep night. More importantly, I try to be really conscious of remembering what my body needs. A lot of time I get that little burst of energy or "second wind" right around 8. I want to badly to stay up late then! But as an early riser (5 AM), I need to be mindful of what's happening and remind myself gently to wind down anyway. It helps that U. knows how important this is and reminds me.

2. I've sort of given up sugar... sort of. At Simchat Torah we stayed with some wonderful friends, but friends who really enjoy treats and I ate a LOT of sugar. I also met a person I had known via internet for awhile, but never in person and we spoke about her growth with health. One of her big steps was giving up sugar. Now I'm not deluding myself... there is sugar in all kinds of things, including fruit. But I tried to give up refined sugar where it was not necessary... no cookies, cakes, candies, pastries sitting in the teacher's room. No cereals with sugar in the label (except I haven't had the nerve to look at regular Cheerios to see if they have it). When I bake, I use alternatives, including honey. Admittedly, I'm confused about honey now based on what's in the link I posted above, but I've already read a lot about the positive properties of honey too, so I'm not going to worry about that too much.

I've known for a long time that sugar and immunity opposed each other. I can feel myself craving sugar (and salts, actually) when I'm coming down with something, and I sometimes feel (real or imagined) scratchy throatedness immediately after having something. But stopping it completely was informative. I made it through with no cheating from Simchat Torah, but blew it when I saw suganyot (donuts) on Channukah. I ate one and it didn't taste that good to me.

I've cheated other times now too, especially if extraordinary baker friends make something, but I'm way more conscious of this now and only have sugar after a long hard thought. We'll see where this goes in the future, but I think it makes a big difference.

3. Now for my regular routine... below is some more of my day.

When I get up in the morning (between 5 and 5:30) I do a nasal rinse. Neti pots work, but I'm happy with SinuFlo. Do this again at night.

Then I give myself a sesame oil massage. I first hard about sesame oil from this person I met who gave up the sugar, but we didn't talk about it much. She just talked about using it on her body to help protect herself from illness. I read online about massage, and then took it further after reading The Healer Within, a book I ran across in the library while looking, in desperation, for books about using diet to help me with immunity. He does not talk about sesame oil, but does tell how to use massage first with ears, hands and feet as well as the rest of the body. Sometimes I just spend 2-3 minutes massaging. Other times maybe 10 minutes. I know I could go longer.

Next I spend a few minutes doing things I need to like feeding my cat, getting bags ready for school etc., and then it's time to exercise. If I'm feeling great, I go on the exercise bike. I'd love to go for a half hour but usually it's more like 10-15 minutes, and stretch afterward. If I prefer, or it's not a weekday, or I'm targeting something in particular, I do yoga. I have been doing yoga for many years and so I have plenty of ways to build my own routine, but I also subscribe to www.myyogaonline.com, a wonderful site started by someone I know in Vancouver, B.C. I pay for it, but it's vastly worth it. A year's membership costs less than buying some classes, and there's a wealth of information that I use very regularly. If I'm really short on time, I go for short exercises that might help my chi. For example, here's a very short video from a friend of mine I met while traveling in Ireland years ago. She has since become a massage therapist and Chinese Medicine practitioner. (Hooray, Facebook for helping me find her again!)

After that, I shower, daven, wake up ND, eat, and off we run, trying to get her dropped off at her school and me to my school by 8 AM. (I'm usually a few minutes late.)

I get very very very wrapped up in my work and find myself running frequently. Throughout the day I try to be very mindful of my energy levels and my breath. I try to notice when I'm "spinning" into overdrive, and consciously breathe. I do this with my students too. I even schedule it into the day during something I call MTM (Moments That Matter). MTM is used for other important things too like recognizing birthdays or calling peers who are home sick. I could write more about that another time as it's something I've been trying to develop.

Then, at the end of the day, ND is actually my salvation. Besides being a joy, she requires attention, and that has taught me I can't reasonably multitask. I have to put my work aside when I leave the school, at least until U. is available to relieve me for a few minutes (usually between dinner and bedtime, or during bedtime if it's 'his night.') By then I know I need to relax, that that is an essential piece of my health and preparation for the next day.

Except for sugar, I haven't mentioned food here... I guess I try to eat a whole lot of greens more than anything else! See food posts for more about that.

Supplements: regular multi-vitamins, but also fish oil and coq10. When I'm feeling yucky I have on hand Vitamin D, Vitamin C, Oscillo and Oil of Oregano and Get Wellness tea. My using these is not always scientific, but I've read a lot about some of them, and little about others, and I feel better in the long run.

It could be that only one of these things is what I needed... sleep by far is number 1. By the others don't hurt and don't cost much either. That tea's a little spendy, I guess, but I drink some kind of tea all the time anyway, and that stuff tastes good!

Best Of Worlds

2011-02-02T09:47:00.004-05:00

Icy world out there today.

It's apparently safe enough for there to be school, and yet the board of ed. in Paramus is closed, so buses won't deliver to my school. So no school for me.

However, ND's daycare open.

It just took about 40 minutes to dig our cars out of the ice. Now I need to rest inside and can work on other stuff for awhile.

Memory and Figuring It Out

2011-02-01T05:59:00.003-05:00

On Sunday ND asked me why we don't get ice cream much.

I said that in the winter ice cream isn't a good food because our bodies wants opposites. When it's cold out, we want hot food, and vice versa.

Last night, though, U. treated her to an ice cream bar. (She was ecstatic.) She's sitting at the table with us, munching on it, and said, "Why the opposites?"

We were both confused. She clarified. "Why does our body like opposites?"

I'm stunned she was still processing this. I explained again, adding in Goldilocks and the 3 bears with too hot, too cold and just right and our body craving just right. She seemed satisfied. Maybe I'll ask her today what kinds of food our bodies like in summer.

Ice Skating

2011-01-30T20:20:00.001-05:00

Took ND ice skating for the first time tonight. She helped create a metaphor that is a good reminder for me. Every time she worked really hard at moving forward, she ended up flailing around and falling down. When she relaxed and trusted me, the skates and the ice to take her, she moved rather well.

I love learning to try less hard and just let good things emerge.

Life Wish Installment Number 2: Meditating

2011-01-21T11:10:00.002-05:00

When I think back on my life, meditation has popped up as a resource since I was a very young child. It became most prominent when I had cancer because I had time then to focus on it and lived just a block away from the very dear friend who was teaching me.

When we moved to Vancouver, I kept it going a little with a woman I met there, but it wasn't the same.

Then I moved to Englewood. The shock of that move and of the unbelievable stressful year I then experienced as my first at my current job drove meditation far away. Becoming a mother also affected the way in which I used to "connect" before.

So now it's been over 6 years since I've had a teacher or guide I could trust, but I'm craving it like crazy. In the interim I tried teaching meditation to kids twice along the way (and have incorporated some techniques into my classroom). I have done my own thing, but I want to go deeper. One of the people with whom I ride shared to the Hazon Conference teaches meditation in New York. She gave me some resources and I am particularly eager one of these years to go on a meditation retreat at the Isabella Freedman Center. I don't think I can do it this year, but maybe next. It's right in the middle of the second half of the school year.

I do do some things on my own... I feel self-conscious about listing them just now. And I use little techniques throughout the day almost more for sanity and stability than depth.

What I ultimately crave is feeling aware and connected.

Could I write a lot about this? I feel like there is a book in me with experiences on this path.

Life Wish Installment Number 1: Writing

2011-01-20T09:53:00.006-05:00

Let's begin with this... one of the things I was not able to touch on much in my piece about the Hazon Conference was how many amazing personal encounters and experiences I had. It was just a weekend! Yet in that time I met people who so invigorated in me a love to incorporate my other loves into my life more.

For example, I shared a room with a writer. I spent much of the weekend hounding her, and then trying not to hound her, with questions about her career. Sometimes I'm just so interested in what a person with a different career's day is like! I asked about how she decides what to write, markets herself, spends her day, etc.

I don't think I could live a full-time writer's life.

-I don't sit still well.

-As shy as I often feel about mingling and casual situations, I do not like being alone for too long. I really thrive from the interactions I have with people in the passionate setting of a school where so many wonderful and caring people are. Put us in a party and my anxiety level goes up a bit, but talk to me about teaching or children or health or anything else about which I tend to be a bit intense, and I'm gloriously comfortable.

-I don't like dealing with money. I prefer just receiving a paycheck and moving on. Negotiating with people freaks me out. Just last night I had to work out something with a woman who is caring for my cat while I'm away on a trip next week. We each suggested different amounts on what I'll pay her. We settled very quickly (me conceding without any discussion) and I worried about it for nearly an hour. I also don't want to have to scramble for jobs.

-I don't write terribly well on demand... at least not when it's about subject matter outside of what I know really well. Everything I write, I write through my own self-reflective lens. I couldn't just tell you about the conference, I had to tell you about my experience at the conference. I'm just too absorbed in my own world to do it any differently. I hope that can make my writing more engaging in the long run, but it does mean I'm sometimes limited. Is that a problem? Not if this isn't my only career, I suppose.

Now, on the other hand, I really do love writing when it comes into my life. And I love doing it well. The piece I wrote on the conference is not perfect, but it felt as though it was commissioned. I had a very specific audience in mind, I had a deadline, and after I gave the drash I had some really positive feedback... more than for any other drash I've given. This makes me wonder if I don't have some potential to be doing this sort of thing in writing a little more often.

In fact, the time from the Food Conference at the beginning of Dec. up until about a week ago was extremely stressful. In addition to my regular work of life and teaching, I had to write and edit anecdotal report cards for my 41 students. (2 classes) These report cards print out to about 3 pages of content, averaging a page of paragraph writing about the kids. Meanwhile, we had a snow storm. Between shoveling and typing at breakneck speeds to get through all that writing, I injured my hand. It was in a lot of pain for about a week and I was really scared it wouldn't get better. Must have just been tendinitis, because it did. But I have to tell you, I kind of liked having a writing-induced injury!

What writing have I been able to accomplish this school year? Well, I was so motivated after my trip this summer to Chautauqua (thank you Saba, Savta and David Baker!!!) that I wanted to focus on poetry more. For awhile I was writing a journal entry night with line breaks. Most of them are just helpful journal entries to help me record snippets of life -- especially with ND. But a few have turned into some poems with real potential. I just haven't had or taken time yet to revise any but one of them. I also don't do it every night now, but I guess I average about 2 per week.

I've been trying to participate in poetry readings too. So far I've only had them at Barnes and Noble, the "Cafe" at the Hazon Conference and the Teaneck General Store. There was an open mic night the night after the drash I gave, but after all that anecdotal and drash writing and finally delivering the drash, I finally had a cold and needed to crash. Besides, I hadn't had time to revise the latest two poems that I really wanted to read. It's probably time to consider moving the stakes up and finding open mics in places with more established writers. I do live close to New York after all!!!

And last but not least, I finally actually purchased a Writer's Market. I hope to spend some time today highlighting.

So here are the big questions:

1. What is my ultimate goal?

Is it to write? I can do that right now. If I have time, that is.

Is it to be read? I can do that some when I'm on this blog at least, but not much. I need to find ways to have others be interested in my writing. Speaking of which, if you're reading this, can you leave me a comment please? I have a counter on the blog but have no idea who or how many readers I actually have.

Is it to make money? I wouldn't mind. I don't necessarily need the cash (though it never hurts), but I would like having strangers value my work enough to pay for it.

Is it to have strangers read my work? Sure. Why not?

Is it to be famous? Again, wouldn't hurt. Don't know if I need it.

Is it to make a difference? That'd be cool, but I'm doing that through teaching already. This is more about me and what I want for me.

Is it so I can define myself more as a writer? Yeah, I'd like that too. I spend the majority of my waking hours teaching, yet don't identify with just being labeled a teacher. I suppose I might feel the same about writing if I had more time to do it.

I think more than anything, I just have things I want to say, and that no one can say the same way as me. I would hate to leave the world without those things being said. Again, does anyone else need to read or hear them? Maybe, maybe not.

2. When do I spend time on this? When do I just live?

3. Again, who wants to read me?

Winter Vacation!

2011-01-20T09:47:00.003-05:00

At last!

This has been a wonderful teaching year, but a year too when I've been constantly wanting more time to do things I love and even things I don't always love like cleaning my own house, cooking food a little more (OK, I do like that a lot) and more.

I've been wanting to write in here since September about a number of things: health, meditation, writing.

So here I am. Let's see what I can accomplish right now... but to keep it tidy, I'm going to do it in installments.

Hazon Food Conference 2010 - Drash for Beshalach

2011-01-15T19:15:00.001-05:00

Below is the text to a drash/show and tell that I have this week at my shul in honor of Tu B'Shvat:

This week’s parsha has an interesting sequence of events. Probably the event that stands out the most is the crossing of the Yam Suf. This is an enormous miracle that is exciting and triumphant. The part we talk about a little less frequently is what comes after this sort of birth out of Egypt and into Hashem’s care. After the singing and dancing and celebration has ended, the people suddenly become frightened and ask, “Now wait a second. What are we going to eat?” So begins a series of food-related events that take place throughout the journey in the dessert. First, they are thirsty and cannot drink the bitter waters of Marah until Moshe is instructed to throw wood into the water to make it sweet. (Very appropriate for Tu B’Shvat) Shortly after, they camp in Elim among 12 springs of water and seventy date-palms. (also appropriate for Tu B’Shvat) Then Hashem explains how food from heaven will rain down on them. Later on, of course, the people will start asking for meat and will become so demanding and hungry for it, that they gorge themselves to excess.

We all know that food is important in Judaism because we interact with it all the time through chagim and Shabbat and other events. But recently I had an experience of looking at food in a new light that I’ve come to share with you today and actually talk about as somewhat of a show and tell. I’m part of a CSA at the Tenafly JCC. CSA stands for Consumer Supported Agriculture and is a partnership developed with a local farm or farmer. Through our CSA we get local organic vegetables during the warmer months of the year.

The reasons I joined were:
1. I was interested in obtaining local produce as a way to cut down on my carbon footprint through “food miles.”
2. I was interested in getting organic veggies.
3. I thought it was cool that I would actually be supporting a farmer and have access to the farm where my food came from.

A lot more has come. At some point I was invited to join the committee and because of that was encouraged to go on a retreat with the national organization our CSA works through, an organization called Hazon.

This conference was amazing. It was held at the Isabella Friedman Center in Connecticut. It’s a sweet little place with just enough room for about 200 participants in a series of cabins and buildings in the woods – all Kosher facilities. They raise goats there and had I come a day earlier I might have had the chance to help milk them and see how the milk is made into cheese.
There were so many interesting people at the conference. To begin, there were a refreshing variety of denominations. For example, Shabbos morning you could choose from any number of services or activities to celebrate, but not all Orthodox. Yet there was a respect between all the groups and, in fact, when signing up for housing situations there was a place to indicate a preference for Shomer Shabbat roommates. I got to room with a writer and a Conservative rabbi. All of the meals were communal and I just met one interesting person after another with tons of really engaging and thought-provoking conversation. The food was incredible and always labeled with what it contained, where it came from etc. But I’ll talk about that more a little later.
There were workshops around the clock, all about food. I learned a ton of new things, and relearned things I already knew. I was reminded how little I know about where our food comes from, what’s in it, who’s preparing it and the affect this has on us and the world we inhabit. This weekend made me really look intensively at how our food choices relate to:
-the way we spend our time (whether we find time to prepare our food or not, for example)
-our health
-economics, jobs and poverty
-the environment in relation to air, water and land usage
-Torah and spirituality

Again and again during the conference the term “Jewish Food Movement” was used, a term I hadn’t heard before. What made this phrase so significant to me was that it made me feel I was taking part in history. The choices we make today as consumers will actually impact what food is like 50 years from now.

The first workshop I attended was about wheat. She had an ancient quote – unfortunately I’m not sure where it was from whether Talmud or what other ancient text, but it said, “Some day people will not be able to tell the difference between rye and wheat.” I, of course, haven’t the foggiest idea and seeing that really made me think about people’s relationship with wheat in the past and how we never even see wheat today until after it’s been processed. The presenter was a farmer and scientist who has been studying what wheat was most like in the time of our foreparents. She compared it to industrial wheat most of us eat most of the time today. Wheat changed dramatically over the years from a healthier more robust wheat to one that contains more gluten (hence gluten allergies) and can be harvested with enormous machines. The desire to have this seemingly more efficient way of harvesting wheat came about from the idea of wanting to feed more people, but the result is a less healthy product, much of which is fed to cattle instead of people anyway (when they’re not even supposed to eat it). In addition, this wheat prouduction often require pesticides that pollute the land and our bodies. The presenter gave us some seeds of wheat more like what our ancestors planted and asked us to try to grow our own and make bread with it.

At another time I heard a different farmer talk about permaculture which has to do with farming practices. I was one of the lay people there and didn’t understand all of it, but was really interested to learn how small farms are actually more efficient than industrial ones for a number of complex reasons. Briefly I’ll mention the simple fact that they use space differently. When you plant greater variety you can fit more into a smaller space and it’s easier to deal with pests when you have biodiversity. For example, there is something called Three Sisters Crop in which corn, squash and beans protect each other from pests and help each other grow. The presenter also talked about the importance of home gardens. I’ve been tempted to start a home garden for a long time and was even more inspired to do so after hearing this talk and later also hearing a talk (not at the Hazon conference but at another CSA event) from the founder of Localharvest.org which connects home gardens to food pantries which otherwise very rarely have access to fresh produce.

There were quite a few cooking demonstrations. The only one I made it to was by a woman named Linda Lantos. She has studied all kinds of cuisine and works with people to help them create food routines and diets that work for them even with allergies and other problems. She gave an incredible workshop on cooking with children. I went to it with a little bit of skepticism because I figured I already cook with Naomi. But as both a parent and teacher I was stunned by how much more there is to say in this area about what kids are actually capable of doing in the kitchen, helping them be interested in healthy foods, dealing with power issues around food, and on developing vocabulary to help them talk about food.

There was Torah learning including shiurim and before meals, moments of reflection, of how to eat meat ethically, on eating with intention and spirituality.

Some other people at the conference included:

Naf and Anna Hanau of Grow and Behold which is a local group that sells Kosher grass-fed and very happy chickens.

Negev Nectars which sold me some really yummy apricot preserves. It’s kind of a long-distance CSA. In this case, you accept food mileage if you buy into a share and get organic olive oil and preserves sent to you from a kibbutz in Israel several times a year.

I unfortunately missed the presentation from Rabbi Ari Hart who has created a sort of social justice heksher that monitors food organizations for fair practices for workers. He is really looking for support of people like you that can tell local restaurants that you would want to support them for getting this hekshers.

There is so much more I could tell you but it's getting close to kiddush time, so let me just share one last story. The most important moment of the weekend came for me during an actual eating experience. On Shabbos we were served a cholent and, before we ate it, someone stood up to explain that the meat in the cholent came from one of the goats raised at the Isabella Friedman center. They talked about raising it there and where it was taken to be schechted. The man who actually raised the goat stood up to speak. It was a difficult moment. He was an awkward speaker and looked like he was struggling to speak. He said, “This goat was raised in love and it left this world in love. Please… receive it with love.” After hearing that I had to think for a moment about whether I wanted to eat it, but I almost had to, knowing the sacrifice that had been made for me. It was challenging, and it was very good. It was a holy eating experience during which I really thought about what it meant to have Hashem and this man and this goat making this sacrifice for my benefit. After that I felt like I could never eat the same way again and have made some personal changes in my eating habits as a result.

I’m going to end by sharing several invitations to you.

The first is an invitation from the Green Committee and from co-sponsors (leaving this blank on my blog for confidentiality). Thanks to all of these people we are having a special Kiddush in honor Tu B’Shvat. The food is primarily prepared by Hummus Elite. We've chosen a vegetarian menu because the less meat we eat means the more land being used more efficiently for food production for people. The food contains several fruits that come from trees in honor of the trees and the environment and as many of the seven species for Tu B'Shvat that we could fine. You'll probably be especially interested to know that wheat and barley are represented by beer.

The second invitation is from the Tenafly CSA. We will be holding will be a seder at the Tenafly CSA. on Wednesday the 19th. The seder itself is at 6 but there is a children's craft project at 5:45. The cost is $10 per person or $18 per family. (Please RSVP!) In addition, I would ask you to really consider joining our CSA before the spring.

The third is from me personally. As you can tell, I would love to keep talking about this experience. If you are interested in knowing anything more, please talk to me or visit my blog where I've posted this entire drash and included links. I can send you the address if you email me. [If you are reading this now, thank you for visiting the blog!]

With that I'll just remind you that when you have eat today, please be sure to really think about how blessed we are to have the food that we do as you hear kiddush, wash and bentsch. Shabbat Shalom and Bteavon!

First Snow of 5771, Last of 2010

2010-12-27T17:16:00.006-05:00

At 9 o'clock yesterday morning I still didn't quite believe it. In fact, we had plans to visit relatives who were in NY city, but had to cancel because we knew a blizzard was on its way. As soon as we made that choice we knew we had to do something fun as fast as possible before we got snowed in, and rushed to go bowling. We paid a discounted price for 2 hours rather than paying by the game, but as we started the second game saw it was time to go. The snow was falling, and falling fast.

Shoveled a little yesterday, more as an excuse to get into it than anything. We knew, though, that anything we shoveled would be replaced in no time. ND commented on the "kippah" on top of one of the trees.

All night we could hear the wind.

I was proud and grateful that I put out tons of birdseed before the storm got too heavy.

Started today with shoveling off our flat-roofed terrace so it wouldn't cave in our roof. Paid a neighbor's son to shovel our walkway. Then ND and I made a snow bird that she calls a snow man. It wasn't good packing snow, so we sort of just carved it out of the piles that were already there. Then we went to dig out the cars. Much of the snow we dumped off the terrace created a mountain on our driveway beyond the cars and out of the way, but some of it blew so heavily onto our Corolla that we could barely find the hood.

Finally we went sledding. Never really done this before, but it was a friend's suggestion. We took a cardboard box because that's what we learned from Caillou, but then our friend arrived and, by then, our box was nicely broken apart. So we shared their sled for awhile, then had cookies and hot cocoa with them. I'll write in a different post about how I've sort of given up sugar, but made a special exception for this. After all, the cookies were homemade apple cookies by a master baker.

Click here if you want to see more about how much snow there was.

4

2010-12-12T22:03:00.004-05:00

Just got back from a weekend Hazon conference. Was gone 2 nights... my first 2 whole nights away from ND. She and U. had a fabulous time. I guess we're at a point now when we can do this. I feel like she's grown so much just in time for her 4th birthday... so mature.

Tonight she asked if she could floss like me. I actually had a little disposable flosser from the dentist and it said, "Not for use by children under 4." ND twirled around in a circle and cried out, "I'm so proud that I'm 4 and I can use this to floss!"

I truly have to go to bed now, but please pressure me to write about this conference... there's a lot to say.

I Miss...

2010-12-08T21:00:00.002-05:00

Blogging more
writing (almost at all)
more time for exercise and walks in the woods
playing music
writing letters and calling people

Glad to have time to be in Now.

I'm sad to give up all the relatives and friends I should call.

Just got stood up in a phone call to a friend who is often a role model. I'm a little disappointed, but she's always been a teacher for me, and this teaches me that sometimes you have to deal with what's in front of you instead of making a phone call. I think that I do that a lot and flake on others quite often myself. I'm not hurt. I hope others understand forgive me easily too.

About that playdate

2010-11-30T20:32:00.003-05:00

Just got permission from the other child's mom to post these videos about the aforementioned playdate:

Sir Patrick

2010-11-28T20:12:00.003-05:00

What an amazing day!

Started the day with a play date that ND has asked for for ages.

Then at 1 I headed into the city alone for an extra special adventure. I went to see the second Broadway anything that I've ever seen, Life In The Theater. It's a Mamet play about two actors in the theater, one old and one young. As you see if you click on the link, the older actor starts as a mentor and then eventually becomes unhelpful and loses his skills as the younger starts to make a place for himself in the theater.

I didn't go because of Mamet. I went because it starred Patrick Stewart(sigh).

The play was fantastic. It was funny in parts. It was heartbreakingly sad too. And knowing that Patrick Stewart is now 70, I wondered and worried if this meant this is one of his last productions. There were a few moments when Sir Patrick was alone on stage and I just lost myself listening to him speak.

It was a closing night (day) performance, so the end was extra special. After the applause and bowing, Stewart and T. R. Knight (yeah, he's famous too, but he's not why I came) went out on stage and said they always get the applause, but they wanted to introduce everyone else worked on the production too to give them the recognition they deserved. They brought everyone out and Knight named each one of them including props people, dressers etc. The dressers got extra special applause because the play was filled with lightning fast and thorough costume changes as the actors pretended to act in all different plays. (Someone please help me out by identifying what the different plays were supposed to be. I'm sure there were in-jokes that I missed.)

Watching the two actors speaking for themselves so sincerely about being sad to end the production was so touching. Sir Patrick began to say one last thing, then became silently, and handed it over to Knight instead. He must have been too choked up. Oh! So beautiful!

I left the theater satisfied and thrilled to have given myself this treat, and glad that U. was perfectly happy to hang out with ND since he's never loved theater much and we didn't want to pay for a sitter. As I walked out, I started to soak in NY including the bicycle taxis waiting right outside.

Then I paid more attention when I suddenly realized I was about to walk around a barricade that hadn't been there before. I put the pieces together to realize that people were standing behind them to wait for the actors to come out.

I didn't have to think twice. No stress over getting back to get work down. No worry about it getting dark. No rush. I waited a full hour.

Spent the hour listening to theater lovers and a few trekkies one-upping all their star encounters. I waited and waited. It paid off.

I got both their autographs. The clip below of Sir Patrick includes a woman talking to him about... I'm not sure what. She's trying to endear herself to him by talking about England, I think. He's just got his mind on going home. It's my voice you hear thanking for the autograph. And when he looked up, he looked me right in the eye.

I wasn't the only person crying after such a ridiculous brush with fame. It was so sweet.

I stuck around to watch him get into his limo and I felt sad when I thought he looked very tired. It took me an hour to get home between walking the long blocks to my car and getting out of several traffic jams. The whole way I imagined what it must be like to be surrounded by people who think they know and love you and wondering who really goes home to.

When I got home I was so happy to see my own ND, felt lucky that that is my life.

Vayeshev by ND

2010-11-25T09:39:00.000-05:00

This week's parsha contains Joseph and his coat of many colors.

ND made a similar coat at school:

Wells

2010-11-14T19:36:00.004-05:00

Wow it's been a long time since I've written...

So on Friday night I gave a dvar Torah. Hence the motivation to actually write right now!

I was asked to give the drash to a special minyan. It's a group that gets together now and then to do a Shira Hadasha style minyan, otherwise referred to an inclusive halakhic minyan. In other words, women get to do as much in the service as they possibly can according to halakhic standards.

To prepare for the drash I began by reading Vayetzei, that week's parsha, and discovered the passage about the well. Yaakov encounters a well that is surrounded by shepherds. There is a large stone on the mouth of the well. The shepherds cannot use the well until enough are present to remove the stone. In a show of strength, Yaakov then removes the stone all by himself and accesses the waters.

I decided to look for other recent places in which wells are mentioned. In Toldot we learn about Yitzhak unstopping wells that Avraham had dug, but which had been filled in by Philistines.

And a week before that, in Chayei Sarah, we read of Eliezer seeking a wife for Yitzhak. He knows he has found the right person when he encounters Rivka who opens her jug and the waters of the well actually come to her (according to midrash). She offers chesed to Eliezer in the form of drawing water until neither he nor his camels are thirsty anymore.

Wells are often used as metaphor for Torah. For the purposes of this drash, I focused specifically on accessing water as a way of accessing our relationship with G-d through prayer. Prayer is a simple concept. We speak to G-d to answer our needs. But tefillah is more complicated, especially with the form we use halakhically. How strange it is that we do the same rituals again and again, for many hours, often without even understanding what most of the prayer service means? How can the different personality types near the wells inform us of probable other motivations that bring us to daven at all.

Yaakov represents strength. In him I see the type of person who never misses a chance to daven correctly and at the correct time.

In the shepherds by the well I see a yearning to work together collectively and to be part of a community in accessing the waters of the well.

There is a great deal to be said about Yitzhak unstopping the wells of his father. Firstly, he is not digging new wells, he is accessing the wells of the previous generation, passing down liturgy through the years.

The idea of the wells being stopped can be thought of in many ways. What can stop up wells?
-enemies of the Jewish people
(with this I think of when I went on March of the Living many years ago and watched teenagers who had otherwise lost touch with Judaism, suddenly yearn to daven with the same words as their ancestors who had been collectively murdered)
-distractions like materialism, our work lives etc.
-unfortunately, with getting into a rut. While we may want to access the same wells previous generations did, we can't always do it in quite the same way and may need to reclaim it in a way that is refreshing for us.

Finally there is Rivka... in some ways she's opposite of Yaakov. Instead of using strength to access the waters, she opens herself up. Like a meditator, she has learned to gently receive G-d's blessings. Even better, the result of her ability to do this so gently and gracefully is that she is able to naturally give back chesed to the world. Her choice to access the waters benefits the entire world.

I find all of these elements and motivations within myself in different combinations at different times. If I am capable of feeling all of them, so are many. This reflects the wide diversity of ways in which halakhic Jews can be motivated to come together and daven. With such diversity of ways, we need a diversity of wells, and for that I'm grateful that there are new options available.

7 Years

2010-10-21T14:39:00.002-04:00

7 years ago I had the privilege of spending 9 months completely engrossed in my own healing.

I spent the year well,writing, resting, walking, talking, sitting in silence and learning meditation.

It was a life changing year, but not one I'd like to repeat. On my best days I felt physically fine but was constantly conscious of how Cancer Patient I looked with all my hair gone and anxious about how best to convince the world I was fine-fine-just fine-angelic-look-at-how-we'll-she's-taking-all-of-this-fine or enjoyed the steroid-induced insomnia that gave me very exciting and lucid nights. (Wrote a whole story from start to finish on one of those nights.)

On my worst days I was fatigued, nauseous and high on extreme doses of prednisone that sent me through an emotional roller coaster similar to someone on speed. Sometimes I even hallucinated. A few times I went for walks and actually timed myself taking 20-30 minutes just to get up one neighborhood block and back again. In the hours right after a chemo I could not walk at all without support and had to be taken out of the hospital in a wheelchair.

During all of this I had to give up teaching. There was no way that my body was up to the strain of teaching and my immunity would be so low post-chemo that it wouldn't have been safe for me to even enter the school.

Ironically, this was good for my mental health in general, as my diagnosis came during a particularly challenging year, only my second year into the profession. It was a year of fear and failure and hopelessness at how little I could do for kids with severe problems in their family lives. I would have been limited in any circumstances, but especially as such an inexperienced teacher, my ineffectiveness felt devastating.

Early in my illness a friend insisted on doing some energy healing work with me. She waved her hands over my body and stopped at my chest. "Is there were the cancer is?" she asked. "Are you a perfectionist?" I keep meaning to call her to explain that to me... how the location of my illness helped her know that perfectionism was part of the picture. Not the cause necessarily, but somehow feeding into my illness.

As I entered deeper into the year and into the process of healing I learned a great deal about meditation and my own strength. I learned about when to fight and wise ways to surrender and became more perceptive about myself and about others.

It's 7 years later now. I look at who I become and see how I've changed or evolved or become more like whatever I already was. It's hard to say what about who I am now came from cancer, but I'd like to talk about some pieces, not all of them good.

-I get scared sometimes. There's a clip on the Simpsons when Homer receives advice that one step towards success is living each day as if it is your last. In the very next scene we see him sobbing on the ground saying, "I'm going to die tomorrow!!!!" I'm a little bit like that sometimes.

-To compensate, I try to do everything now. I want to parent and teach as many children as I can and write and play music and bike and guess what... it's not possible to do all this with any normal level of sanity or health. I spoke to an elderly lady once who said, "You'll have plenty of time for all that later. You have no idea how much time," to which I responded, "You're right. I have no idea how much time."

-So unfortunately, I continue to be perfectionist in certain areas of my life. If something doesn't get done now, I feel impatient.

ON THE OTHER HAND...

-All that time meditating and learning about living moment to moment taught me a lot about how important it is to back up and be part of the Oneness of the world. In my left-brained mind I try to get all this stuff done in a finite lifetime. But when I go into my right-brain, eternity is right now. Whatever my goals are, are being achieved at this very moment. Nothing is before now and nothing is after. This process of going inside myself and opening is one that I would describe as continually healing.

In the parsha this week, Avraham is healing from receiving a bris, but then jumps up to run and greet guests, despite the physical pain it obviously causes.

I used to really hate when people talked about that passage because it sounded like Avraham was a poster child for unhealthy overachievement.

I have a different take now.

Avraham knew his purpose in life was to reach out to others. And he couldn't stand to be stopped from achieving his purpose. He needed to be needed in order to help him heal. In fact, the thing he was healing from was a bris. The role of the bris is to seal a covenant with Hashem, to say "I am hear to work with You." With that in mind, I think that Healing and Purpose go together. You can't completely heal without purpose in your life, and the act of finding and carrying out your purpose requires constantly stepping back and healing.

During the time that I was healing, I enjoyed concentrating on myself, I enjoyed meditating. I needed it. But it got boring. Really really really boring. I needed some purpose in my life beyond myself.

A friend hired me to tutor her daughter and I began to look forward so much to that one hour each week.

Many people have a hard time finding their purpose in life. I'm so fortunate that my work as a teacher and my Purpose are in sync.

I just also know that for my work to continue to be meaningful, I have to have healing time for myself as well. I need to simply Be in Now sometimes -- not out of fear of how few days we have, but out of celebration of what is right in front of us every moment.

May I have the opportunity to do exactly what I'm doing now, and later, perhaps, to help others to learn how to heal more daily. Please G-d may I do this for another 70 years. But assuming that's too much to ask, may enough moments of my life be so filled with Presence that they feel to me like islands of eternity.

More Wisdom

2010-10-14T21:11:00.002-04:00

"When you scratch your head and it doesn't hurt it means you're thinking."
-ND

Reb ND

2010-10-13T21:44:00.002-04:00

Two Jewish moments to share from ND:

1. On the first night of Sukkot, ND declared she was not tired, but in fact was SO tired that she fell asleep in my arms at the table during bentsching. We told her about this the next day and she wanted to try again. So during the second night she sat on my lap, shouted out "I'm not tired," then threw herself backwards into my arms. She did this many many times.

2. Breishit. At school they obviously read a book about creation. She told me they had read about Hashem creating the world. We talked about that a little, how Hashem had created plants etc. Then she said, "Yes, Hashem created the fl... fl... fl.." Obviously she was mimicking her teacher priming the kids to say what was in the picture from their read-aloud. So I said, "Flowers."

"Right," she said. "And Hashem created the g... g... g..."

"Grass?"

"Right. And Hashem created the t... t... t..."

"Trees?"

"No!" with utter disdain in her voice. "The tomatoes!"

ND

2010-09-27T09:25:00.005-04:00

Haven't just written about ND for awhile. A few things...

1. Her cutest word right now is "ooh-zha-lee" as in, "Ooh-zha-lee Mom takes me to school, but today Dad is taking me and Mom is picking me up."

2. Over Sukkot we had one day scheduled to have guests. (Sadly, we had a mix-up and they couldn't make it.) ND helped me set the tables. We put out plates and silverware and arranged the tables. We had the big outdoor table for the adults and, a tiny picnic table right next to us so the kids could sit together. We were figuring out just who would sit where and ND suggested we move the picnic table to line up in such a way that "All the people could sit..." here she paused, trying to figure out just the right words, "could sit with their darlings."

3. As a child I always wanted to do things myself. ND is the same and more so. We find her tasks to do as much as we can. Some favorites that keep her busy are carrying cole slaw, ice or soup nuts to the table, making deviled eggs almost entirely herself, and getting dressed while I take my shower each morning.

What else do you want to know about her? I want to document, but can't think what else to say! Leave me a comment and I'll try to tell more.

Some random videos to enjoy:

Stephens Farm

2010-09-27T08:41:00.007-04:00

This is my second year as a member of a CSA through Hazon and Stephens Farm. CSA stands for Consumer-Supported Agriculture. In this case, this means that a group of people have bought share and half-shares into a year's harvest from a local organic farm. Every week from about June until October or November Farmer Ted drives all the way to us to deliver the vegetables. The result is that each week ND and I then go to the JCC and pick up a bag with our name on it that already contains freshly harvested produce. Sometimes if we don't want a particular vegetable we can trade from a trading crate, and all leftovers are donated to a food bank.

Yesterday we went out to see the farm. This was my first trip out there. It was a long drive, almost an hour and a half, and when we were there my allergies flared so badly that I had difficulty breathing and today am taking it very slow and easy as my poor lungs recover. However, it was so worth it. I was quite moved by the experience. The farm is on an enormous piece of land, much larger than I realized, and the family that's working the space works so hard to maintain it.

Steve, the Rabbi who has been organizing all of this, has developed a really beautiful relationship with the family and brought a sukkah for us to sit in during part of our trip. First we walked around a little, getting a small tour of the place with Annemarie. Then we helped pick some squash for this week's harvest. After that we returned to the sukkah and did leaf rubbings, then ate lunch and chatted a little with the family. Steve shared some words of Torah and Ted and Annemarie talked about how hard it is to maintain the farm in an age when our acquisition of food is not so very organic or local.

When we were done talking, Steve said Birkat Hamazon aloud in English. I was deeply moved to hear his words thanking G-d for the harvest, and sitting across from the very people who worked so hard, often at financial risk to themselves, to get the food to us. They don't have an easy life. We do.

I'm really glad we've chosen to do this CSA. It hasn't always given us all the vegetables we want in a given week, and sometimes blight and other real-life problems have hurt the quality of the food. But we're helping a family with their livelihood and, in return, we've been brought closer to the land ourselves.

Rosh Hashanah Energy

2010-09-11T22:53:00.002-04:00

Had a really great davening this year on the second day of Rosh Hashanah. (The first day I spent being attentive to ND. The second I left her with U and just davened.)

Every year I'm challenged by davening with a community. I'm easily annoyed by many judgmental thoughts about wishing I was with some other ideal people I imagine, or thinking that not enough people in the room are serious about davening or what-have-you.

But lately I've been doing a lot of very intentional inner work of trying to find more that I have in common with others, of being more accepting, of seeing that most of the things I see when I begin judging are just an outer mask of that person's inner self, of understanding that I need others and that others need me.

Last Sunday I heard a replay on the computer of a class that was given on the phone about energy healing. I wasn't sure how much I would take from it, but it turns out that I took quite a lot in retrospect. Oddly enough, just that day I was feeling tense and antsy for a number of reasons including that ND was sick and I had wanted to get out more. So knowing that I had Labor Day off I resolved that I HAD to get to the woods alone at some point. This is a huge and driving need for me at times.

Well, during that energy healing call, early on, the speaker was describing how energy worked and felt and started to say ways that you can really feel it. At one point, before she finished her sentence, I just knew she would say you can feel it in a forest. Suddenly it made sense to me just what I experience there... the power and healing acceptance that I feel amidst the trees.

So on Labor Day I did go and I felt and understood the experience differently than I had before. A few times I just stood and felt it and laughed at the chipmunks that played so noisily. After all, they don't have to be in awe of nature if they're in it all the time! So cleansing.

Rosh Hashanah as I stood to daven, I imagined that I was in a forest and that all the people were trees around me. Some were more rooted than others, more deeply involved in the davening. Because I was closing my eyes and feeling it so deeply, I didn't need to spend my time looking around the room deciding who was davening right and who wasn't. I imagined that some of the trees were very thick and rooted, and some were just saplings, and that this was a result of depth rather than age. But again, I didn't decide who. And when children, or even adults, chattered nearby, I translated the sound into that of chipmunks playing because they forget to be in awe.

When I finally came out of it all, I was just a little self-conscious, wondering if others were thinking about why I was standing during parts of davening when I didn't have to etc. (I intentionally stood near others who also stood for extra parts.) But it didn't really matter. Besides, the main comment I got from people was just that my suit looked nice.

Fine. I can't see so deeply into them. They can't see so deeply into me. And yet between us all, there is something.

Shanah Tovah!

2010-09-06T20:47:00.004-04:00

I hope to write more before the new year actually begins... but for now, a simple shanah tovah. May this year bring healing, light, intention and optimism to all!

Last Day

2010-08-25T11:55:00.003-04:00

Last Day of Summer vacation.

I have a nasty nasty cold and have had it for two days.

So nice that I get to rest and build up my immune system BEFORE the chaos begins.

I resolve that when I get sick this year I will focus my attention on the hard and important job of building up my body instead of multitasking through the day.

Summer Summary

2010-08-23T11:30:00.003-04:00

This is it.

The rains are here. School starts on Thursday for me. Summer is over.

In June I posted about my annual worries and goals, and now I want to write about them.

1. I said I wanted to write. I wrote. Not as much as I would liked, but:

-I logged 26 hours of daytime writing work. This included the incredible workshop I posted about previously.

-I've also begun doing just a little more reading and writing every night before bed, so that's even more important.

-I submitted work to 4 places (I think... maybe more).

-I printed out a lot of my work into binders making it easier for me to look at where I've come from and where I'm going writing-wise.

2. I wrote about spending real time with ND. We did it. Some afternoons together were too long, but we went on outings to Abma's Farm, Van Saun Park, The Children's Museum, swimming lessons and a lot more. There were also our special trips to MA, Chautauqua and camping. I've relearned yet again that focused time is harder to do but more fruitful than multitasking.

3. I've rooted myself some more... spending time with friends, exercising, becoming comfortable here even after some rebellious weeks when I wanted to move NOW. Trying to appreciate what HERE has to offer instead of wondering so much about THERE. I want to stay informed, visit other places as possible, but there are no immediate plans to change or move.

4. Lots of work on and around the house, yearly shopping etc. too.

I'm anxious about the new year, never sure what it's going to bring. Sad to give up my days and to have so much work ahead. But I'm always open to a challenge. I hope this is a good year for me. I hope it is for ND too. I hope it is for us all as a family.

Shanah tovah.

Camping Trip 2010: Lake Waramaug

2010-08-11T11:29:00.004-04:00

I love that when I tell people now that I've returned from my camping trip, all my friends seem to remember we do this annually. This was year 5, I think. 2006, the year I was pregnant, was our first trip. And as always, it was me, ND and Emarcy.

Our routine has developed so that every other year we go to our favorite site North-South Lake. I've written about it elsewhere on my blog if you search under "camping." Whenever we go there I feel so happy, so eager to be relaxed and at peace. The truth is, sometimes almost too much, I suppose. There's a lot at stake in these trips for me, my last serenity experiment before I'm back into a new school year that could turn into almost anything. Our first camping trip was after an especially hard year, and I was nervous about what was coming. Now I'm getting more into a routine, both with the school years and with the trips, but it's still scary, this last brink between the summer I wished for for so long, and the busy balancing act that characterizes the bulk of my time every year.

As noted above, every other year we go to North-South Lake, but on the off-years, we try new places. This was our second shot in Connecticut. The first was a bit disappointing. There were far too many people and the beach was really busy and more like a day beach than a secluded campground. This year we went further inland to Lake Waramaug. It too was more populated than I wished and felt less like we were deep in the woods. The enormous lake had houses all around it. We chose the place after I did a search to find out where we could rent canoes. What we didn't know is that they won't allow children under 4 (ie. ND) to ride in one. So our hope to rent a canoe for the whole day and get away from the site a little failed.

I grumbled quite a bit, but once we got past those two issues, ND had a fabulous time and I enjoyed helping her have it. She has been experimenting more and more with water lately, though still quite nervous with it. We played on the beach, both in the water and sand(/dirt) as much as we could. We also just enjoyed things like learning how to set up a tent and how to make food, jumping off of rocks that lined the paths in the campground etc.

We also did something we normally avoid which is to drive around the area a little. We had to the first night just to get phone reception and found a gorgeous view.

We also tried going to a hiking trail, but it was so hot and we were tired, so we just went a little ways.

At night we played music together... Emarcy played her sanshin, I played my flute and ND tried to drum a little but then needed a break.

She, I mean, her doll, was a little afraid of the dark, but we sang together in the night to help with that too.

This was a good trip. I find that the more regular it becomes, the more I have ND to provide a lens, the less I need from it.

Less grasping for goodness. Looking forward to keeping this up.

Turtle Back Zoo

2010-08-03T12:08:00.003-04:00

Went to Turtle Back Zoo yesterday. I hate seeing animals in cages. I love seeing animals interact with children.

Chautauqua

2010-08-02T20:03:00.009-04:00

We just returned last night from a fabulous vacation.

This summer my in-laws are renting a house for a few weeks in Chautauqua. My parents flew out and drove all day with us there where we found new ways to get along with all of us living side by side for a few week. Chautauqua is this really amazing institution whose 4 pillars are named as art, education, religion and recreation. We got a little of all those as I'll share out of order...

Recreation:

-Well, we had some of that even before we arrived. It was such a long drive we researched ahead of time for a stop-off and found it in a blueberry farm. It was well off the road, so far off our phones stopped working, but it was absolutely beautiful, and we picked about a pound and a half of blueberries to share with everyone.

-Chautauqua has a gorgeous lake. I never managed to go swimming. I did take ND into the water a few times though. And I definitely got to boat. I went in a row boat, two paddle boats and a kayak.

-I played shuffleboard, but not lawn bowling (which would have enjoyed).

-I went biking with my dad for the first time in years... we used an "off-campus" book store as our destination/excuse to go. There and back was about 45 minutes. It wasn't a great bike, which is what I say to console myself around the fact that I can't remember what it feels like to bike all day the way I used to with him.

Religion:

-Mostly Christian -- very utopian -- but there was a Chabad which was very nice for Shabbat.

Education:

-Lectures every single day on the week's theme which was photography. I only attended one which wasn't really about photography... too much of a stretch. It was Billy Collins speaking, supposedly about photographic images in poetry. Boy, was I excited to go to that. Boy, was he funny (as in tears running down my face funny). Boy, was he also arrogant! So many of his poems were ways of trashing bad poets, non-poets, previous poets. The question and answer period included a question about poets he admires and included a reference to Emily Dickinson. All he could say about her was that he was impressed she was able to write so many poems according to a meter. He had nothing else helpful to say about anyone else, other than his mother. I guess we can give him credit for that.

-But best of all this is the education piece that leads into art...

Art:

-I signed up ahead of time for a poetry writing workshop every day with David Baker. (10 hours total.) I opted to audit the class, knowing it was less expensive, not knowing it meant I would not be allowed to speak for the duration of each class! At first I was a little heartbroken, but quickly found how much I could learn from being forced to only listen. Sponges don't spend their time waiting to say something clever the way I'm normally inclined to do.

-Fortunately, I was able to sign up for a one-on-one conference. It was, for lack of a more poetic phrase right now, AWESOME! I loaned him a copy of Gathering Pieces ahead of time. (If you haven't bought it yet, you still can!) I flagged a few poems, not wanting to overburden him with too much, but he read the WHOLE THING. We began our meeting together with his saying, "So, you have a voice," in reference to my being unable to contribute during the class.

We talked about the class, including discussing the range of talent in the room. (This made me think he knew I was a good judge of good poetry.) Then I gave him my background -- that this was my first class since majoring in creative writing at Oberlin, class of '98, that I hadn't written (or really read) any poetry before I was forced to there. (To this he was blessedly shocked.) He said my writing was clear (something that he was pushing the writers in the workshop to be), and he recognized the urgency I feel in telling the stories that I do. He also said the authenticity is sometimes "ramped up too high." We talked about that at length, visiting a couple of poems in the book. I'm glad to say his favorites are mine too and we worked on fine-tuning them a little, talked about how the next step in my writing would be to work more with form.

I explained that I self-published this book in order to put closure to my old work and move forward as a writer. I asked if I should be embarrassed about that. He said no, that if this book needed to be assembled then, then that's what it needed.

Then I showed him the piece I've been working on this week for the class, and he said he could already see how much I'd learned through the duration of the week.

It has been such a long time since I've felt validated by an established writer. So long. I have a few friends who love my work, but they are friends, so where does the kindness of friendship end and the true critique begin? And I have many friends who have never even asked to see my work. (David says I shouldn't take this personally... that it's about an unfamiliarity with poetry, not about me.)

So who can my audience be now? The mysterious other authentic writers out there? We talked about my future... going to open mic nights, even if I'm not reading. We talked about how he too has little time to write during the school year and sometimes chooses to put family first. I told him I've been writing a small journal entry each night but doing so with line breaks. He liked that. He said that maybe some poems (like the in progress one I showed him) are being written even before we sit down to work at them. And for that one he's right, that I've been toying with the idea for months, jotting a thought or two and then just thinking about it now and then. He said he writes whole lines in his head.

He liked the idea I shared with him about my children's book about time...

all this in half an hour.

-I haven't even written here about how there was a concert every night for free and that I got to hear parts of some of them. I didn't mention going to a full-bill opera of Cavalleria Rusticana and Pagliacci, my favorite opera. Between the two operas, 2 betrayals and 3 stabbing deaths in one night.

-I didn't write about the day we went off-campus to an amusement park where ND amazed us with how gutsy she was, riding fast rides all on her own. (This picture is actually not of a fast ride, but of a boat she could control herself.)

-I didn't write about painting with my mom.

-I didn't write about watching ND interact with her grandparentsor how her vocabulary has expanded to include the words "actually" "eventually" and "realize".

It was a great week...

The Annual Shocker

2010-07-13T08:32:00.000-04:00

Even with a full day, there's so much I can't get done.

photos

2010-07-09T07:34:00.001-04:00

Incidentally, if it wasn't obvious, the link in the last post led to photos. Go see them.

Mass. Independence Weekend

2010-07-05T21:45:00.003-04:00

What a wonderful weekend. We drove over on Friday and stayed through Monday morning with dear friends from college.

They have a farm share so we got to go pick vegetables together directly from the farm on Friday.

Saturday we went to shul in Brandeis which literally borders our friends' backyard.

Sunday we went to the Boston Commons to meet friends we knew in Vancouver. ND had a great time on the swan boats, the carousel and finally, playing in the frog pond. U. took off midway to go see a Red Sox game... (there was only one ticket left at the price we wanted to play and I think ND and I had much more fun doing just what we were doing.) After the frog pond we went back to our friends where we got a lesson paper-making. I hope to teach it to an after school environmental club next school year. We finished the night off with Settles Of Catan which is an awesome game if you play it with wonderful people.

I felt so at-home there and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be able to make new friends again that I care about as much as my college ones. I was not eager to come back "home" after our trip and wonder how I can be closer to really good friends...

Bear Mountain

2010-06-28T20:16:00.004-04:00

A great day. ND and I visited old college friend and her two girls up in Cold Spring, NY. We left there at 2 so she could get some work done and, despite a rainstorm, decided to check out Bear Mountain State Park.

I can't believe we never came here before. Next time relatives visit and we have time for a whole day outing, this is the place to go instead of Manhattan. Hiking trails, boat rental, swimming pool, carousel, zoo and all of it surprisingly quiet! (It's quieter than our neighbors of late who seem to always be talking or playing radios in the yard when I'd like to just relax.)

I'm totally exhausted, but ND and I got a lot out of today. Besides picnic and running in a sprinkler in the morning with the friends, we got to rent a paddle boat and see the animals in the zoo at Bear Mountain. I just wish I'd had a stroller. We were both exhausted and, as a result, I carried ND a lot of the way on my back. As you can imagine, I'm about to collapse.

Good Things To Do

2010-06-28T07:36:00.002-04:00

A key I forgot to mention, is that might lists are no longer "to do" lists, but "good things to do" lists, leaving open the understanding that any of it is good, not all of it is necessary.

Can't visit EVERY nature center in Bergen County. One is enough.

Summer

2010-06-27T22:09:00.004-04:00

Summer finally began for me midway through Thursday of last week when my school year finally ended with a pool party at my boss's house. (I got a little sunburned, much to my twisted delight.)

So now the fun begins... anyone who knows me at all will predict that I'm going to spend some portion of my summer obsessing about how I'm spending my summer and with too many lists... even lists of fun things I want to do. I want to look back at the end of the time and feel accomplished.

But accomplishment means a number of things this year:

-I have some big goals for writing. This will be the hardest to get done and the easiest to measure.

-I also want to spend real time with ND. This isn't something I can measure. I hope to just get better at doing it daily. Today I was successful, going with her and U. to a playground with a sandbox at her request.

-A few days ago I began to worry if I shouldn't have arranged to spend some time in Portland with my family. The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that it's important I stick around this year. For one, I went for 3 weeks last year and that meant U. and ND being separated. I'd like for us to have more time together this summer. But maybe even more significantly, I need to start putting down some roots here. I've been here about 5 years and I still don't want to consider it home, but I also want closer friends. When my friend died a few weeks ago, I reflected more on this. I saw how many people flocked to her support before her death, and to her family afterwards. I began to crave that feeling of community. So even at the expense of travel or writing, I think I need to find time to bond with friends.

In any case, among all of these things, there's always the house that needs so much done... dishes for one thing, buying a dishwasher for another, ironically enough. Then the laundry, the lawn, the longing for it all to already be clean and perfect. It's all a process.

Went last week to the Barnes and Noble open mic night. While deciding what to read I found this poem I wrote in April 2009, very much about accepting a messy house and experiencing the moment.

A life of worth --

does it come

from accomplishment

or appreciation?

From minutes spent racing

to the next

Or holding out arms

in ecstasy of the moment

even as the pieces fall

all around.

Bronchitis

2010-06-14T17:13:00.002-04:00

Was diagnosed last week with bronchitis... left work on Wed to go to urgent care and stayed home on Thursday. Last night realized I was still fatigued and went into a major panic yesterday. A friend of mine died from ovarian cancer just two weeks ago.

Despite all reason, I could not be left alone without feeling totally overwhelmed with terror and/or anger directed at myself for feeling the terror.

Came to school late today because I felt I really needed to be there. Many backseat driver doctor friends in the staff room things worse by asking if I was on the right meds, if it could be something worse etc. etc. I confirmed with both my own doctor and the urgent care that prescribed the meds in the first place. Both said the fatigue is normal and that it's ok to go on the Statue Of Liberty field trip tomorrow.

Thank goodness by about 2:30 I actually started to feel a little better physically and, as a result, emotionally.

But my GOSH the FEAR!

I guess my best hope is that I continue to live with this fear and obsession when I get sick... until I'm 90 or so.

Lost!

2010-06-05T21:57:00.005-04:00

Alright... it's been two weeks already since the season finale of Lost! I've been wanting to blog but haven't had time. Within that period I've gone through such anger and resentment but now am okay again... sort of.

Here's the deal...

Lost! started as a wonderful show. To me it was primarily about John Locke and an incredible setting that was terrifying and fascinating. The characters on the island struggled with their pasts and many were searching for teshuvah. Locke alone had faith in the island and was devoted to it. It was his destiny. If we had faith too, it was supposed to pay off in the end...

Over the years we were brought into many characters' lives and were taken through many parts of history. We watched characters face redemption like Charlie who knew he had to die, but who chose a noble death. (I hated losing him.) We saw the smoke monster face Ekko head on and, if you backed up and looked inside the smoke, saw images of all he'd done wrong.

It was weird the way people's lives converged. Many of the characters had brushed against other of the characters in the "real world." It was strange that Ekko's brother's plane crashed on the island, that Locke's evil father was also the real Sawyer whose conning had led to James/Sawyer's parents' death.

Then there were peripheral things we didn't understand... the Others (who originally didn't leave footprints, by the way), the Dharma Initiative, a giant 4-toed statue, a guy with a beard who was the villain for awhile and who eventually must have just quit the show, a polar bear, a porthole to a dessert...

As time went on, villains changed, probably because the writers just couldn't make up their mind what they were doing. (They finally realized a great thing with Ben but never could quite decide what to do with him.) Then we met Jacob and didn't know what to make of him. Was he G-d? Did he run all of this? Was he the one who was helping people find their redemption? Why was he invisible at first, then coming into the outside world? And poor Ben who was so filled with faith that he would murder any and all, but never got close to Jacob except, finally to kill him. (My favorite line on the whole show was when Ben delivered a eulogy to Locke. "He was filled with faith, more than I ever had. I'm very sorry I murdered him."

Up until now I was still watching with pure blind faith that despite a lot of bad writing, bad acting, my annoyance that none of the writers could possibly be mothers (what ridiculous turns they took with Claire and Sun!) and more questions than could ever be answered, that at least there would be meaning in how the island operates. What it is. What it's for. I was hoping for some way that this metaphor could enlighten me in my real life and actually connect to my own faith. For crying out loud, I once was able to compare Ben to Moshe when talking with another Lost fan!

But when it turned out that Jacob and the black smoke were opposed to one another, I no longer could make sense of how they worked together as Island Entities. And then in the second to last episode to learn that they knew as little as we did about the damn place should have alerted me to how wrong it would all go.

The final episode was not about the island at all, but about the "sideways world" that only existed in the last season... a world in which everyone who has died before on the show can be see again in a kind of purgatory before accepting their own deaths and moving on. I think I'll call it Cameo world. I have always been disappointed by when characters die but then really come back. (Tasha Yar from ST:TNG and Gandalf in the Fellowship of the Ring are just two examples.) But then to bring them all back smiling, hugging, kissing and we're supposed to be satisfied by this!!!!????? One explanation is that this is Hugo's island, but come on... really?

What's the fricking island!!!???

I see now that the writers were just in it for the money, for the easy emotions that they knew they could stir in us from having characters lose each other and find each other again. All the intrigue were just tools to keep us watching.

I feel cheated and resentful. Who do they think we are?

I will never commit to a TV show like this again.

At least I'm not alone. This video makes me feel just a little bit better:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Poetic Challah

2010-06-04T06:06:00.002-04:00

I wrote in another post that I can never get challah right. I've been working at it hard for the past few weeks because I was doing it in the merit of a woman I knew who was very ill. (40 women making challah for someone is a segulah... I still don't know what that means exactly but think of it as a powerful prayer.)

Yesterday I made the most beautiful perfect loaves I think I've ever made. The braiding is uneven, but they're golden and rose beautifully. I used a ton of yeast.

Learned this morning that Chaya Rochel bat Shayna Rivka passed away yesterday.

I knew it was coming, but I'm so sad. Will eat the challah with her in mind.

Memorial Day

2010-05-31T18:43:00.003-04:00

I had hoped to blog about Lost!. It's really been upsetting me this total cheat ending of theirs. I really enjoyed that show for so long and feel duped. Need to process it thoroughly in writing.

But I haven't had time yet... so I'll just mention this:

We got a backyard swimming pool for ND yesterday. U. brought it home from the store close to dinner time. We had some trouble inflating it and said we'd have to give up until tomorrow. ND was naturally disappointed. She looked at the cover of the box with the family having fun there and said, "Why do they get to do it?"

Staying Up

2010-05-22T21:57:00.003-04:00

Had an awesome Shavuot... the first since ND has been born in which I was willing and able to stay up for all-night learning. It was wonderful. Two talks by members of our shul and two by Rabbi Boteach who lives in Englewood and has been pitching in since we've been "between rabbis." His wife and I were the two women who made it through early shacharit the next day and I felt proud and enlightened arriving home at 7 AM.

One of the things I don't like at my shul is that I often don't feel much interest in people pushing themselves to improve themselves halakhically and spiritually. During this night it was nice to be among some who were making efforts. Interestingly, on the flip side, I felt no anxiety about needing to live up to anyone else's expectations, including my own worry about how I could be different religiously.

Now I have a new challenge... Sunday night is the finale of Lost!. I want to stay up for that too, but don't want to be exhausted the next day. If I choose not to do it, and just watch on Hulu later, will that then be a statement of prioritizing Torah over TV? I hope so, because I'll be bummed if I don't get to see that ending soon! Gotta have a good reason to make it feel better than not just wanting to get enough sleep.

A Near Perfect Busy Sunday

2010-05-16T21:18:00.004-04:00

Started the day with a meeting at shul at 9:30 sharp. ND and I went there on the bike. The meeting was over in an hour which meant the fun could begin and we weren't still dawdling at home.

- Bike to a Farmer's Market. Not much there, but we did get some of the best strawberries ever.

- Bike to grocery store and fill the bike with groceries for Shavuot until we couldn't get another thing in.

- Stopped at a garage sale where we FINALLY bought an outdoor table with 4 chairs for only $35. (Obviously I couldn't carry it on the bike. Came back shortly with the Yaris... two trips in fact, one for table and one for chairs.)

- Went to Nature Day at Flat Rock Brook. I definitely prefer our quiet walks together there. But even the crowd wasn't bad when we got a canoe ride, an animal show with a porcupine, wallaby and chinchilla, the chance to pet a corn snake and to eat Ben & Jerry's. I was pleased to see that ND was not so interested in visiting all the booths. The main thing she wanted was to poke a stick into the pond and look for frogs.

- Back home to have dinner outside on our new table.

- Put ND happily to bed with a story about her getting to turn into a frog and go exploring and eating bugs with them.

- Now off to bed myself, I hope.

Humility

2010-05-13T20:37:00.002-04:00

I have learned to accept with humility that I never ever get challah right. I'm still trying anyway.

Tonight was a unique screw-up. I set the oven on broil to burn the "challah" that was "taken." Forgot to turn it back to 350 when it was time to put the real challah again.

Remarkably, one pan with a huge loaf of suicidal challah protected the pan below. Those two are still baking gently.

They didn't rise enough, but that's a separate problem...

What if?

2010-05-10T06:24:00.003-04:00

In the middle of yoga today I suddenly remembered very tangibly visiting a Bais Yaacov in Queens where I applied for a job before moving here. I remember seeing a group of girls outside with a teacher exploring a small group of trees and bushes and writing. I was touched to see them finding nature even in the middle of the city.

I was offered the job there, but only part time, so barely considered taking it. I also remember feeling very self-conscious that it could never quite be my community religiously. All the same, I was impressed with what they were doing in the school.

I wonder if I remembered it since I was there during this time of year, close to Memorial Day weekend.

Mother's Day Continued

2010-05-09T19:49:00.002-04:00

1. A handmade present... a message-size clipboard from ND.

2. Out to a brunch buffet, or rather, lupper, at 1 in the afternoon.

3. A walk together at the Teaneck Creek Conservancy which unexpectedly included a new art installation.

Enchanted Broccoli Forest

2010-05-07T18:02:00.002-04:00

With thanks. It actually was easier than I expected. I prepared the ingredients and ND and U. assembled. That's a road running through it.

Mother's Day

2010-05-06T19:51:00.002-04:00

Returning from grocery store with her dad:

"Hey Mom. Where are you? We got you flowers. So you have to close your eyes when I come, okay?"

Music

2010-04-29T22:16:00.002-04:00

I've been doing an excellent job avoiding music during the omer, not too aggressively, but somewhat effectively nonetheless. A musician friend of mine just sent me a song which, first of all, made me feel very wistful and sad... (I guess the truth is I was already sort of in an intense mood... the music just reflected it back to me.) But secondly, I realize how much I'm craving music now. Looking forward to the concert on Sunday which happens to also be on Lag B'Omer... the concert is woodwinds in one of the local nature preserves, Flat Rock Brook.

Food

2010-04-27T20:35:00.001-04:00

Been finding out more and more and more and more foods lately that I "ought to avoid." Have been trying to cook healthy but it just stopped tasting good. Today was a hard day. I went on an ice cream binge. It felt emotionally satisfying.

Modigliani

2010-04-27T05:49:00.002-04:00

U's parents are visiting. They just came in via D.C. where they went to the National Gallery. My mother-in-law was showing me pictures from the National Gallery. We got to a Modigliani and ND sang, "Modigliani L'fanecha."

Sunday Project

2010-04-25T19:59:00.003-04:00

Spontaneously made this aquarium out of a salad container, stickers, an old envelope, string and beads. Not a bad day to end an awesome day of getting stuff done, library book sale and walking in Flat Rock Brook Nature Center.

Eulogy

2010-04-18T19:56:00.003-04:00

Last week was exhausting. By Friday I actually exploded in the office when I discovered a meeting had been planned without my knowledge. An extremely insightful friend of mine approached me to give me a hug at which point I totally melted down. The truth is, I don't think I gave myself enough emotional space to process my adjustment back to work after Pesach with family. Too many days this week I've caught myself remembering beautiful natural places in Oregon and B.C. and feeling incredible loss.

It doesn't help that I had two intentionally emotional evenings. Sunday night, in honor of Yom Hashoah, I heard a survivor from Sobibor. As part of the program they showed clips from the movie Escape From Sobibor, a movie I saw years ago. I went home feeling haunted and shaky almost more from memories of the movie and clips I didn't see than from what I actually saw and heard that night. Oddly enough, ND woke up right when I came home and was not just awake, but frightened too, easily spooked. I wondered if she sensed what I was feeling.

Then Monday night we had a memorial siyum at my school for an administrative assistant at our school that died from cancer this year. The memorial was an opportunity for us to have some sort of closure and unity, but also to show her family just how much we cared about Sarah. She was so committed to her work and I was glad we could show how much we valued her, that her hard work was truly appreciated.

I spoke. I wasn't really planning to, but the opportunity presented itself. Several people read things they'd written including their memories of her. I kept mine to a theme and I'd like to record it here even it somewhat abridged. I think my words hit home based on something one of her sons said afterwards, and I'd like to record it here.

One of the things we loved about Sarah was this drawer she had in her desk filled with chocolate that was available for all. By the time I spoke, this drawer had been mentioned many times, so what I said was...

When I'm stressed I have an unfortunate habit of eating, and teaching is a stressful job. When I found out about the drawer, I kept my distance for awhile, but finally discovered Sarah really meant in when she invited us to partake. I think I took more than my share, sometimes 3 or 4 in a day. A few times I bought bags of chocolate to replace it, but it didn't seem necessary. The drawer was always full.

Then after some time the drawer was not so full. After Sarah's funeral I decided I would pay her tribute by buying as much as I could. I bought 5 enormous bags of York Mints and thought how terrific I was to have bought it.

To my surprise, it was all gone within a few days time. I had no idea how much she was putting into that drawer. It was at that point I realized just how much I had received. It was embarrassing. It made me want to become a better, more generous person.

Pesach as an Environmental Hazard

2010-04-07T13:07:00.002-04:00

So over Pesach:

-I doubled the amount of recycling I normally put out. Better than garbage but not as good as producing less waste.

-I covered the stove with foil.

-I covered the counters and shelves with contact paper... some of which will be nice to have year-round.

-I got new plastic bags at the store.

-I ate way more meat than usual.

-I used a little bit of disposable stuff, though very little still. At least I kept to paper or compostables and avoided plastic or styrofoam.

I want to offset it. I was thinking of finally doing something I've been afraid of... printing out a fact sheet of the problems of idling cars that I could slip under windshield wipers of idling cars with no one around. Would that be acceptable or not? I already have a reputation as being green. Shouldn't I use it for something instead of being embarrassed when attention is called to my leanings?

You know, as I typed this entry and found the fact sheet linked above, I feel encouraged to do it!

Chol Hamoed Highlights

2010-04-07T11:46:00.003-04:00

Central Park on Thursday:

Van Saun Park on Friday:

Closter Golf Course on Sunday:

(U. who doesn't like his picture taken, took this for us:)

Oh yeah, and I won the golf game.

Seder Menu

2010-04-01T22:41:00.002-04:00

So we did it... two successful seders this year. The first included a group of guests, as well as my parents and immediate family. The second was just the latter.

What we had to eat... way too much:

-About 3 pans of chicken (some with marsala and some with duck sauce. U. did this as I won't cook meat myself, and in fact we don't even have meat dishes the rest of the year)

-2 pounds of salmon

-2 pounds of carrots in a lemon-ginger carrot salad

-a pan full of roasted potatoes

-matzo ball soup, with parve chicken broth

-an enormous store-bought broccoli kugel

-2 meatloaves from a guest

-2 casseroles from the same guest

-ratatouille

Nut-free charoset because I'm now allergic to nuts and uncooked apples and pears:

-about 3 apples and 3 pears, baked first in the oven

and

-two handfuls of dates

all ground up together in the food processor with marsala and then mixed with

-raisins left whole

It was very good.

We still have quite a bit of this left over and I never even made the squash I bought to make honey lemon squash or cucumbers I bought for a dill-cucumber salad. I don't think I'll have to cook for Shabbat.

The Other Kind Of Pesach Preparation

2010-03-28T07:57:00.008-04:00

I've come to learn over the years that Pesach works best for me if I set spiritual goals. All the chagim work that way, but I find that Pesach is the best for actually acting out a process to meet those goals. For most holidays, I know what the day is about, but then we just eat a lot, show up in shul and read certain sections from Tanakh there. That unfortunately leaves plenty of room for disconnect. At Pesach, we gather at the table with a long set of things to do and lots of time to talk during it about the process... mandated dialogue as well as our own speech.

I listened this year to a live class on the phone from Simon Jacobson. At the end he spoke about the seder as a 15-part process towards transformation or freedom. On the call he talked a lot about materialism vs. spirituality. I have trouble thinking in those particular phrases because on the surface it seems like just the question of acquiring stuff vs. thinking about G-d. But I think materialism also stands for anything that comes in the way of our loftier goals.

The past two years, leadership has been a major theme of my life. I've found myself in formal and informal leadership positions and have been uncertain of how to frame my work towards these ends in effective ways. This includes leadership within my 2nd Grade team at work, within two committees at school on which I serve, within trying to bring environmental consciousness to my communities at school at shul and towards helping children and adults both be in-tune with their inner selves. I've met some goals within these realms and failed miserably at others.

One thing in particular came up recently. At school, someone with whom I work closely did something that was not OK. I found myself worrying about whether to speak about it to her and how. The realization that I needed to speak would be a spiritual realization, because I realized the obligation to do it in order to stand for what was right. The fear would be material, because it was about putting my ego at risk.

In the end, I did it, and it was a successful and meaningful (although uncomfortable) conversation. During our talk it came out that this person looks to me for guidance in many ways and that I had been modeling some things poorly.

By the end of the day I felt so proud for speaking up, and so enlightened of the power of things I do -- both good and bad -- without thinking about them. I really want to think, this year, about how and when to lead.

It's not easy. I don't want to offend people by being "bossy" and at the same time I can and want to make a difference. Just the other day I was eating in the staff room and remarked that I hadn't had a lunch that I didn't work through for 2 weeks. She said, "but you're the one who taught me never to do that... to always take a break to get you through the day." Once again, I was a teacher and didn't know it.

And when ND and I walked to shul recently, we left the stroller at home. Someone passed us and said, "you're so patient." My response: "This is our time together." Will she remember that? Will that help her be patient and available to a child too?

When Hashem approaches Moshe to lead, Moshe says, "but I stutter." Have I missed opportunities by worrying that I too have a metaphorical stutter? I want to take this to heart as I go into the chag to see how I can let go of some fear and find other meaningful and heartfelt ways to reach out to others in the coming year.

Chag sameach.