Life Wish Installment Number 1: Writing

Let's begin with this... one of the things I was not able to touch on much in my piece about the Hazon Conference was how many amazing personal encounters and experiences I had. It was just a weekend! Yet in that time I met people who so invigorated in me a love to incorporate my other loves into my life more.

For example, I shared a room with a writer. I spent much of the weekend hounding her, and then trying not to hound her, with questions about her career. Sometimes I'm just so interested in what a person with a different career's day is like! I asked about how she decides what to write, markets herself, spends her day, etc.

I don't think I could live a full-time writer's life.

-I don't sit still well.

-As shy as I often feel about mingling and casual situations, I do not like being alone for too long. I really thrive from the interactions I have with people in the passionate setting of a school where so many wonderful and caring people are. Put us in a party and my anxiety level goes up a bit, but talk to me about teaching or children or health or anything else about which I tend to be a bit intense, and I'm gloriously comfortable.

-I don't like dealing with money. I prefer just receiving a paycheck and moving on. Negotiating with people freaks me out. Just last night I had to work out something with a woman who is caring for my cat while I'm away on a trip next week. We each suggested different amounts on what I'll pay her. We settled very quickly (me conceding without any discussion) and I worried about it for nearly an hour. I also don't want to have to scramble for jobs.

-I don't write terribly well on demand... at least not when it's about subject matter outside of what I know really well. Everything I write, I write through my own self-reflective lens. I couldn't just tell you about the conference, I had to tell you about my experience at the conference. I'm just too absorbed in my own world to do it any differently. I hope that can make my writing more engaging in the long run, but it does mean I'm sometimes limited. Is that a problem? Not if this isn't my only career, I suppose.

Now, on the other hand, I really do love writing when it comes into my life. And I love doing it well. The piece I wrote on the conference is not perfect, but it felt as though it was commissioned. I had a very specific audience in mind, I had a deadline, and after I gave the drash I had some really positive feedback... more than for any other drash I've given. This makes me wonder if I don't have some potential to be doing this sort of thing in writing a little more often.

In fact, the time from the Food Conference at the beginning of Dec. up until about a week ago was extremely stressful. In addition to my regular work of life and teaching, I had to write and edit anecdotal report cards for my 41 students. (2 classes) These report cards print out to about 3 pages of content, averaging a page of paragraph writing about the kids. Meanwhile, we had a snow storm. Between shoveling and typing at breakneck speeds to get through all that writing, I injured my hand. It was in a lot of pain for about a week and I was really scared it wouldn't get better. Must have just been tendinitis, because it did. But I have to tell you, I kind of liked having a writing-induced injury!

What writing have I been able to accomplish this school year? Well, I was so motivated after my trip this summer to Chautauqua (thank you Saba, Savta and David Baker!!!) that I wanted to focus on poetry more. For awhile I was writing a journal entry night with line breaks. Most of them are just helpful journal entries to help me record snippets of life -- especially with ND. But a few have turned into some poems with real potential. I just haven't had or taken time yet to revise any but one of them. I also don't do it every night now, but I guess I average about 2 per week.

I've been trying to participate in poetry readings too. So far I've only had them at Barnes and Noble, the "Cafe" at the Hazon Conference and the Teaneck General Store. There was an open mic night the night after the drash I gave, but after all that anecdotal and drash writing and finally delivering the drash, I finally had a cold and needed to crash. Besides, I hadn't had time to revise the latest two poems that I really wanted to read. It's probably time to consider moving the stakes up and finding open mics in places with more established writers. I do live close to New York after all!!!

And last but not least, I finally actually purchased a Writer's Market. I hope to spend some time today highlighting.

So here are the big questions:

1. What is my ultimate goal?

Is it to write? I can do that right now. If I have time, that is.

Is it to be read? I can do that some when I'm on this blog at least, but not much. I need to find ways to have others be interested in my writing. Speaking of which, if you're reading this, can you leave me a comment please? I have a counter on the blog but have no idea who or how many readers I actually have.

Is it to make money? I wouldn't mind. I don't necessarily need the cash (though it never hurts), but I would like having strangers value my work enough to pay for it.

Is it to have strangers read my work? Sure. Why not?

Is it to be famous? Again, wouldn't hurt. Don't know if I need it.

Is it to make a difference? That'd be cool, but I'm doing that through teaching already. This is more about me and what I want for me.

Is it so I can define myself more as a writer? Yeah, I'd like that too. I spend the majority of my waking hours teaching, yet don't identify with just being labeled a teacher. I suppose I might feel the same about writing if I had more time to do it.

I think more than anything, I just have things I want to say, and that no one can say the same way as me. I would hate to leave the world without those things being said. Again, does anyone else need to read or hear them? Maybe, maybe not.

2. When do I spend time on this? When do I just live?

3. Again, who wants to read me?