Continues to amaze me...

We're in the days of awe.

When I was learning with my Chavruta the other night, she told me that some have the custom not to speak at all, except in prayer, during the month of Elul. What a cool custom, I thought. If only it were practical.

Today I'm home sick with no voice at all. I get to try it out. Wow, G-d. You make my wishes happen even when I'm not sure I want them.

I felt the cold coming on during Rosh Hashanah. In fact, I had some very awesome davening, filled with emotion, and now I realize part of it might have been a symptom of the oncoming illness. Do I write that emotion off or receive it as another gift? I'll go with the gift.

As for work... I was asked specifically last year to try to take fewer sick days this year. I'm willing to try it. In fact, I'm determined. So on Monday I could have stayed home and might have avoided all of this, but went in anyway. Had I stayed home would the cold have gone completely away? Maybe, but maybe not.

Instead, I came and continued to take full control of my own classroom, not yet willing to delegate to my assistant. I felt sick but not weary or anything for several days. Then yesterday, my voice began to fail.

It was kind of fun. I wrote a letter on the board telling the kids they'd need to:

-listen the first time I say something

-help each other follow directions

-read body language

-think about what to do instead of just asking

These are all skills I wanted to stress to them anyway and they got the point given the circumstances. Beyond that, when we went to recess, I designated a few "yellers" to help call the kids in. One in particular did a magnificent job of rounding kids up efficiently and they all came right away! 

More importantly, this gave me time to sit back and give up some control to my assistant and to watch the kids more closely. By sitting back and observing, I learned quite a bit about two in particular and was able to work on my relationship with them and help them participate rather than try to control from the front of the room.

Finally, there's that humility again. Some lessons we have to learn a thousand times. Some we already know but need reminding.

1. I know I'm a fabulous teacher and can give my all.

2. But I know there's a price to it too. My body wears out and I get sick.

3. I know that some people can work through illness but that mine is a little different. I need to give it that extra attention.

4. I know that I can't change this ever no matter how tough I feel and that I have to take the time I need.

And what I may not know yet, but am learning, is that maybe it's OK if I try to push a little, the way I came to work on Monday anyway, and see what happens. Maybe it's OK to rediscover it again and again.

Like doing teshuvah every single year in the month of Elul.