What I'm Learning About Myself and Confrontation

In the past few weeks I've been in several unexpected confrontations. I'm not going to go into the details of them now although I hope to share about one in a future post.

I'm proud of how I handled these. I used time as a tool to wait to respond and to do so as clearly, simply, respectfully and calmly as possible.

Nevertheless, this process has led me to understand the following things about myself:

1. I continue to be a highly sensitive person. I panic when I feel confronted as though my very being is being threatened. Even when a situation resolves, my chest and shoulders may remain tight long after the encounter. 

2. However, as noted above I know how to use time to my advantage. I do not respond reactively. (Or if I do respond reactively, I follow up later when I can type my thoughts out clearly and have time to check what I've written.)

3. I have many things operating within me: fear, rage, confusion, the desire to be liked and to belong and more. However, whatever is happening inside me, the voice that leads my response is one of integrity.

4. I am willing to question, consider alternative points of view, listen and grow.

5. Nevertheless, and this is a big one, others are not smarter than I am. In the past, when in that initial stage of panic that accompanies a confrontation, I have often fallen back on the idea that the other person must be right. I must be wrong. Or at the very least, my argument is incomplete. However, especially as pertains to anything to do with Israel or anti-Semitism, I have done an astonishing amount of learning as of late. I'm not an expert. I don't know all there is to know. I have plenty to learn. But -- I repeat -- this still does not mean that others are smarter than me. 

6. I am averse to "putting myself out there" too much at the risk of facing confrontation. However, when I do take a risk, my contribution has value. My particular angle is somewhat unique as I learn from sources that are sometimes at odds with one another. I don't repeat a lot of what others have said unless I'm trying to bring a newer way of talking about it to the table. 

7. I'm learning my cycle of tolerance for dealing with these issues. I am trying to learn not to check the news first thing in the morning and certainly not first thing on a Sunday as my week starts anew. As my week revs up I am aware that I start moving faster, listening to more podcasts, reading more news, getting into more situations in which a confrontation might occur. By Wednesday night I start to collapse and by Thursday, if I haven't consciously taken a break, I'm a wreck. Shabbat is a haven of renewal as always. I hope that I can keep this in mind this week and moving forward as I learn to pace myself. 

Tonight I'm going to an event called Dialogue in Good Faith. I'm excited but also anxious about it. I was attracted by the title because I'm starting to discover the limits of dialogue as I've experienced and heard too many stories of dialogue that were held NOT in good faith. I am taking breaths and preparing to receive.