State of Mind #4: Voiceless and Grateful

I’m at the end of my worst cold in ages. A really really bad one. Just didn't stop it in time like the ones I've written about in here so far. I even went to a walk-in clinic yesterday just to make sure I was OK. (My worst fears were already void since I had a routine follow-up chest x-ray last week and it showed no problems.)

But as this cold ends, I’ve lost my voice! Yesterday I refused to acknowledge it. I kept thinking I was really faking it. But on doctor’s orders got a substitute for today. Sure enough… almost no voice at all today…

and I’m loving it.

I don’t really have time to sit and meditate on it as I’d like to. I’ve got report cards to finish and this extra day to work on them is a blessing I can’t miss. (Report cards and the anxiety that goes with them are probably part of the reason I got sick in the first place!) But even when I can talk, I’m choosing not to as much as possible. I just got back from a walk in which I walked 4 blocks out of my way to avoid a petition guy standing on the corner. (All I could have told him is that I can’t sign it because I’m a U.S. citizen just living in Canada for the present. But I didn’t want to have to interact at all beyond a smile.)

Something about being quiet today is opening up some other… thing… for me. I can’t describe it. But I want more days like this now. I want to go away and just be silent somewhere where I won’t worry the phone will ring, or that I’ll run into someone who will catch me and ask why I’m not at work.

I read an article last week on Aish.com called Torah with Morrie about silence. It was a nicely written article except that the last part cracked me up. It asked why we aren’t willing to have silence and suggested that the next time you get in your car, instead of turning on the radio, ask yourself “What are my goals in life? Am I on the path to fulfilling them?” “Am I trying to improve my character? Do I have a plan for improvement?” “Am I better person today than I was yesterday?” “Do I feel connected to God? What have I done today to connect myself to God?”

Again, back to that question… why do we avoid silence. Those questions are a darn good reason why! I ask myself those questions too often, and instead of building myself up from them, just feel overwhelmed and worried.

Today I’m even skipping the questions. Just being, and noticing how it feels to be.