Silence

Sure enough, I've had a day of total silence. I wanted to go to shul, but my throat was hurting enough that I didn't want to face the cold or the temptation to speak.

I'm actually quite glad.

There are two parts to what I want to talk about:

1st - A very dear and special friend of mine (who could afford to say something like this to me) once said,
"I've noticed that it really matters a lot to you that people understand you."

There was a long pause during which I let that possibility sink in and I found it to be profoundly true.

Then she continued,

"And sometimes you are very difficult to understand."

Today that was truer than ever. And I played with it. I really can't talk unless necessary. I feel the strain on my throat and I really need to heal, so today when I spoke I could only use hand gestures. And as much as U. knows me, he does not know what my hand gestures mean. Sometimes I sighed in agitation, but today I really learned to be more okay with the silence. During meals I tried to focus just on the sensation of eating and of being together than of what we might be saying. And when a "conversation" did begin, I had to choose my words oh so carefully. The simple things I would otherwise say even to show I understood U., I had to eliminate from the conversation because they weren't important enough to struggle over. On the flip side, when I did need to communicate something and spelled it out with my finger on the tablecloth or whatever, he sometimes just nodded. This was frustrating as I had know way of knowing if he was just nodding or if he really understood. This should be a lesson to repeat back what we've heard in conversation to make sure both people are on the same page.

In any case, I didn't really mind not being able to speak, as you can see below.

2nd - As I said in my last entry, I had the option today of turning this situation into a kind of meditation retreat. I've only done formal retreats two or three times (long hours, day or night, spent in meditation... these with other people). A retreat like this does not just mean you sit all day. You do segments of 45 minutes or so doing different kinds of meditation and interspersed with breaks including eating meditations etc. Mine was way more simple and less "formal." While U. was in shul I just did some different meditations and reading both before, after, and during my own davening and Torah study. It was great. And it prepared me for the rest of the day being in silence with U. back in the house. It would have been nice if I could have gone outside and visited a tree or two, but I really can't take my throat out into the cold if I can help it. (Oh, I sound like a voice major!) When I'm home sick I often feel bored, but I did this very deliberately. And, despite the laryngitis, I didn't feel woozy and sick. I feel very refreshed.