Forgiveness

Well, Yom Kippur has ended now. We've all asked for forgiveness from God while examining our relationships with others to see if we need forgiveness from them too.

There was one thing hanging over me still when I went into the holiday. About 6 months ago I was recovering from some debilitating allergies and finally - on a rainy day - went out for a walk, hoping to rejuvenate both physically and emotionally.

As I was walking, a dog suddenly came running at me from someone's house, clearly disoriented, frantic and barking at me. I tried to stare it down, tried to yell at it, but before I knew it, its jaws had closed on my leg and I was yelling towards the house at the top of my lungs,

"Your dog is biting my leg! Your dog is biting my leg!"

The dog finally was frightened enough to let go. I limped away from the property as fast as I could -- I never knew something like that could hurt so much -- and called 911 for the police and U to take me to ER.

The incident really threw me for a loop. I went into a brief but deep depression, feeling very vulnerable for a few days and still feel a hyper-aware whenever I pass that house.

What I learned through the police report was that the owners were away and the person taking care of the dog had left it out. The dog, who is usually said to be quite friendly, was in a panic.

Months later I finally wrote a letter to the owners telling them what happened, including hospital bills for antibiotics, ER visit etc., and the police report and asked for reimbursement. I waited and waited and was wondering with some frustration when I'd have to set aside time to contact them a second time.

Finally yesterday I got a phone call. The woman who called was incredibly apologetic and probably has been worried about this for some time. It probably took a lot of strength for her to call.

I'm proud of how I responded. I told her I liked her dog and sympathized with it. I told her it was clear he was disoriented and in fact I know one of her neighbors who said it is a nice dog. She was surprised I would say all of that and I knew I'd touched a painful part of this for her.

But I was also clear. I said,

"Look, this experience was terrifying and I thank God my five year old daughter wasn't with me when it happened. But it's over now and I just want to put it behind me. Thank you for calling and making contact."

I don't quite feel closure yet, but there is nothing else that has to be done and I don't feel ill will. I do remember and somewhat feel the hurt and fear that took place, but I'm not upset towards anyone.

That was yesterday morning. In the afternoon something else happened.

Many years ago I used to enjoy sitting in a hammock chair that belonged to my sister-in-law. For many years I thought that some day I would want one like that. At least, a year ago when U and I went to Cancun for our 10 year anniversary I got one. I've loved and had pride in that hammock as a symbol of making my home into just what I always wanted it to be.

Well, as we've been working on building the sukkah, ND has been playing with it a lot. Just a few days ago I warned her to be careful not to pull too hard on the individual threads because they could fray. Well, yesterday she was playing again and there was a hole.

I was already not in the best of moods and I was very very upset when I saw the hole. I pointed it out to ND and she talked about how we could get a new one. She was trying to comfort me but I said,

"No, do you remember what I said about wanting this for 10 years and getting it all the way in Mexico? I can't just get another one so easily."

I took the hammock down before it could completely unravel and made the wise choice to remove myself from the situation. I went upstairs to meditate. U. was home which helped considerably so that I didn't have to leave ND alone.

As I meditated I tried to piece apart just what was bothering me. It was the loss of a thing I liked for sure, but also the loss of control, the loss a thing that had represented a special lifestyle. There was also fear about my parenting... was a raising a child to not care about other people's things? Or was I being petty and making her feel unnecessarily guilty?

At dinner we have a regular practice of asking each other what was good, very good, bad, and very bad about the day. When it was my turn I admitted that the the hammock thread breaking was very bad for me, even though I knew it was just a thing and I would just have to work to be ok with it.

ND said,

"So it didn't help?"

U. clarified.

"After you went upstairs ND asked what she could do to help you feel better and we decided to set the table together."

So I thought it though carefully and said,

"I'm sad about the hammock and I don't know if I can fix it or not, but I was also worried that maybe you didn't care. Now that I see you really did care and really wanted to make it better I feel very very happy. Thank you."

ND tries her best to hide from me when she's upset, but she smiles wide in a way that warms the room when she's glad, and she did that then. I'm so glad I could let her have that.

I think when we need to forgive it often isn't about the other doing wrong. I think it's about recognizing our own vulnerability and fear around it, then accepting that vulnerability, but inviting the other party into the process with us so we both can understand and heal. This is for both big and small things, and recognizing when they are big and when they are small too.