Bitter Blogging

I haven't written in awhile because something has been happening.

Unfortunately it did not turn out the way I wanted to and once again I wrestle with what is and is not appropriate to tell on this blog.

I've decided to be unspecific for several reasons. One is that the thing that has happened does feel quite personal even though I have no qualms about telling friends and trusting colleagues on an as-needed basis.

But I'm also having trouble with the fact that so many people feel the comforting thing to say to me is that this happens so often to other people.

So I'm not going to talk about the thing that happened, because that will just make readers think about what they know about that thing and right now I want to talk about my own feelings without connecting it to other people's memories.

I know that there are people who have had this, or other things, much worse, and that things turned out fine for them in the end and that there is plenty of room for hope in the world.

But those sentiments are irrelevant until I'm ready for them. Right now I intend to be as angry and bitter as I want to be about this thing itself and about all the other things that are related distantly or not. (No event happens in a vaccum. It brings up memories of the past or separate worries and issues of the present and future.) How can I help but indulge in some well-earned self-pity when it's been such a rough few years anyway?

On top of all this, I feel somewhat alone in this new place. Thankfully, those who know have been as supportive as they can given how little they really know us. My one complaint I'm really saying here not to be unthankful, but instead to offer advice...

When someone is having a hard time and you don't know what to say, then don't. Don't look away either. Be there. Show in your eyes that you care. Then say as little as you can. Listen.

(I know perfectly well as I write this that I've been as bad a listener as anyone else, and for that I am sorry.)