Writing Fire

I did it. I spent almost every day of November writing for at least 15 minutes every day. The one day I missed, I made up the next day with double time.

Most of what I wrote was towards the goal of revising the novel I drafted in 2013 during Camp Nanowrimo. I had taken a year off from that process during 2014-2015 and have been gung-ho to return since my WAC (writersandcritters) writers' retreat in spring of 2015.

So I was feeling great at the end of November, proud of my stick-to-it-ness and thinking if I kept up the pace I could get through the entire draft again by summer.

Then the first Saturday night of December I sat down at my desk and I felt my heart start to race and my stomach to clench. This was ridiculous. To finish a novel with any quality at all at 15 minutes a day? For one thing, I also need to parent, stick to my goals of regular yoga and meditation, other short writing projects that I feel driven to write, another project due in July (to be discussed later - related to my 40th birthday), a healthy amount of exercise and, uh cleaning and, oh wait, yeah, I also teach 30 hours a week not mentioning prep. time, tutoring and my additional role this year as a mentor for new teachers in my grade.

Even 15 minutes every day is too stressful.

To do it with depth is ridiculous.

So I tried a new take. First of all, I took a break from the novel. WAC expects me to submit two writing samples and four critiques of other people's samples every month. However, they take two weeks off at the end of December. So with the freedom of nothing due, I sat down last Friday and wrote... just wrote, by hand, in a notebook that no one will see but me. I write by hand rarely because it's less efficient when I'm ready to submit something, but now I had fallen out of love with writing and I needed to get back in. To love a person it really helps to actually be in the same room with them and not remove yourself with a screen.

(I'm not even going into what I've learned as a special education teacher about the different neurological process of forming letters and words by hand instead of by typing.)

That Shabbat instead of reading a novel I flipped through Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg for the first time in years, and began rereading cover to cover from my favorite writing book, Bird By Bird by Anne Lamott.

I wrote again Saturday night, and then again Sunday morning, finishing one draft that I hope to look at and maybe revise, but maybe I won't as I don't know yet what's there.

A writer friend said we are defined by the things we do every day... so to say you are a writer you must write every day. However, I'm a teacher too, and don't show up to work on weekends. I certainly don't want to be the kind of person who romantically claims to be a... a writer... and never writes anything, but even when I can't write, I know that ultimately I will have to write. I just have to. So even if I quit for days, weeks, even months at a time, I will come back to it.

I will not necessarily come back to other things I've thought I was: bicyclist, basket maker, musician. I like to bike and make baskets and play music, but they are not in my blood. I only dabble. I don't ask or need them to be part of my identity.

So right now I'm trying to compartmentalize my week a bit. Instead of spending a little of every day on all of the things I love, I'm trying to group some things and weekday activities and some as weekend. It's not as easy as it sounds. My physical and mental health depend on daily yoga and meditation, and the weekend gets very full with everything else that can't happen during the work week, like laundry. However, I think I really can spend some more real time on writing on the weekend, at least for now. Some other things will suffer, no doubt, but right now this isn't negotiable. I have to do this. If I can pour my writing more into Friday through Sunday, I think I can do it better. If some of it is for show and some of it is not, I'm entering writing headspace again. If I can maybe jot down something during the week that writer's see, then I'm tapping it too.

One final note, halfway through my writing this blog post I had to take a break to go to a friends' birthday party. Someone at the party remarked that she used to have hobbies but just haven't time in this stage in her life.

I started to feel a little guilty, that I can do this and she "can't." And I'm not judging anyone else's choices, but I just need to be clear. Writers have to write, however they do it, even if it means having a messier house or leaving parties earlier or getting up extra early or even only devoting certain weeks of the year to their craft. We just have to. How other desperate writers make this happen is their business.

This is how I'm handling it right now.

Missing writing

I admit it. I'm jealous. A friend from my writer's group, Writer Granny posted a few days ago that she hit blog post number 1,521 after having started her blog in 2009. This blog that you're looking at was started in November of 2004 and this post is number 912.


The result? I'm writing a blog post that doesn't say a whole lot of anything.

A few hours ago we took a break from some household chores and watched Spellbound, a documentary about 8 kids competing for the world championship in a spelling bee. Talk about over-achievement! My takeaway (especially after my last post): When you set goals that are really really high, there will always be a little disappointment, even if you really do the very best you can. To be in the moment without qualifiers, without "but" or "if only," but just to be and do what's possible with a little bit of discipline, that's my new goal. It's not easy to keep a goal like that under pressure. However, it's a goal that I can be proud of achieving again and again in small victories.



So why I'm writing this blog post. Well, yeah, I wish I had more blog posts. Am I aiming for 1,521? No, not right now. I do think I'd like to post a little more often though, and then maybe I'll throw a party when I discover I've actually reached 1000.

Another small victory.

No, I haven't been here much, have I?

Just a quick post to say that I am very aware of how little I've been blogging this year.

It's due to a combination of factors. For one, I'm trying to invest more of my writing time into pieces I can "publish" in a different way... ie. for money.

Two, I'm trying to be less busy.

But three, the most important topics in my life right now have to do with a lot of soul-searching and troubleshooting in a particular area of my life. I'm happy to say that my family is healthy and happy and loving all around and that I know everything will resolve positively, but the subjects I think about most often these days need to stay somewhat private.

That said, I'm going to write another post now to be published after I get some footage from my dad...

Winter Vacation!

At last!

This has been a wonderful teaching year, but a year too when I've been constantly wanting more time to do things I love and even things I don't always love like cleaning my own house, cooking food a little more (OK, I do like that a lot) and more.

I've been wanting to write in here since September about a number of things: health, meditation, writing.

So here I am. Let's see what I can accomplish right now... but to keep it tidy, I'm going to do it in installments.

My Baby: A Mommy

ND fell asleep REALLY late last night. So this morning when I went to wake her up, she was sacked out. As is our routine at times like that, I carried her downstairs to nurse while I ate breakfast.

In a high chair (which she no longer uses herself) near the table, her stuffed Donald Duck was sitting all wrapped up in a blanket. I pulled the blanket off and wrapped her in it as I sat down with her.

"Noooo!" she cried, "Donald Duck is just a baby!"

All I could say was, "Are you even awake?"

(As I write this she is setting up another baby and a stuffed fish next to me and carefully "keeping them warm.")

Miss Me?

Wouldn't it be nice if I did some more blogging?

Maybe later this week...

Reflection on reflection

I haven't had so much time to blog or Facebook since I've been back... and it's good. I only have 2 weeks until I'm back to work and I'm shifting into an understanding that I can either spend a lot of time journaling about everything (which I want to do) or I can just do things (which I also want to do.) I'm trying very much to leave, flowing with the stream of doing what I can but not grabbing onto too many things that I think I have to do.

I've also felt less desire to be public since I published my book. Kind of wanted to hide since then, although I'd like to sell more copies too. And I really do want to do more readings... later.

Blog Action Day: Poverty

There's a whole lot I want to write about Sukkot, but ND is not a happy camper right now and I'm trying to do this quickly.

Today is Blog Action Day and this year's topic is poverty.

Your job: Think for a moment about how much Jewish (or non-Jewish) holidays address issues of poverty or helping less fortunate.

Then consider what amount of your income or energy actually goes towards helping.

I think this is particularly challenging if you live in an area where it's just harder to see people in need. In Englewood most people look like they're fine, at least within my immediate community. But looks are deceiving and those w/ similar income level flock together. We have to remind ourselves that this IS our task and is NOT our money,

Right before Rosh Hashanah I found a full tzedakah box I wanted to empty into needy hands. I even called the rabbi to see if he wanted to pass it on to someone. It doesn't work that way, giving coins away.

I kept the cash and made an online donation. It felt distant and too little of an impact.

Teaching Log Etc.: Reflection

Yesterday we had after school meetings. Each grade met with either the next grade up or the one before to compare notes on curriculum.

At one point during our meeting we were discussing how to get parents involved with reading to their children more... for the purpose of enjoying reading more than ratcheting up skills. I proposed that before conferences we send home a reflection questionnaire, or during conferences we "help" parents figure out the best times in their busy schedules to do this in order to emphasize the importance.

I made the statement: "We all need more opportunities for reflection: Teachers, students and parents."

Everyone had a good laugh. I'm friends with them so I didn't feel humiliated, just let-down. "Oh, Evenewra, they said (with my real name) their just isn't time for that." Same as they might say about the fact that I try to eat a big breakfast each morning, do yoga etc. All those things I really work at doing.

My inner voice used to say, "Oh, you'll have to give that up once you're a mom." So far I've had to plan more carefully, but haven't had to give up anything.

It's true that limited time is a very big issue, but how that time is spent is flexible. Another teacher on my team did remember that before conferences I had my students do a self-reflection which we then showed the parents and was a jumping-off point for conferences. For some it was like, "Oh, isn't that cute?" For others we said, "Wow, under 'When I need help I go to...' he wrote 'no on.'" Is that true? Does he never ask for help? How can we help him learn to get help?

I told myself last night that I would get up early to get all of my important work done this morning like cleaning etc., but I'm taking a few minutes here because I feel agitated about the idea of not taking time to process all the information we work at so hard everyday. How can we NOT make time to reflect? Why waste hours in our lives and work, teaching and learning bits and pieces that will never go below the surface?

Today is my "schmooze" at school. The most important thing here is to discuss what position I want next year. But I'm tempted to bring up professional development too. Our last professional development day provided a list of 3 workshops we could attend. The two I went to were both technology based. One was about using a technology that the school can't afford to put in my classroom. (Useless). The other was about using power point. The best I can figure out to use it for is to spice of my lectures... if I gave lectures! The night was useless to me.

What if instead it had been like the old grad school days where we would sit and reflect and write in journals about our own memories from school, or we would be asked pointed questions that helped us reveal hidden prejudices towards our kids etc. I miss using writing to get to deep and meaningful revelations. (I had a reputation in my cohort for doing this to excess. In my time there I filled two composition books with notes from the classroom.)

Anyway, time IS limited. So off to my day. Thank G-d I took these 15 minutes to write here. I could have been doing youtube instead!

Email Addiction

My parents-in-law are visiting. As a result, since Shabbos ended, I have not checked my email. It isn't easy. I'm using U.'s computer just to do this little entry. (After all, Saturday night is my writing night, and as much as I'm enjoying this visit, I can feel in my bones that I haven't written.) But the fact that I haven't been on the computer all evening means my kitchen is clean and the garbage has been bagged up to be taken off. What does this tell you?

What would happen if I only restricted myself to using email at certain times? Could I hold myself to it? Could you? Do you?

As I finish this entry I'm just CERTAIN that something absolutely pressing and engaging is waiting for me in my email. Someone wonderful has written to me. Oh I'm sure.

But tomorrow I'm sure I'll be deleting and deleting and deleting all those emails not from that wonderful person.

Missed Blog Action Day

I was hoping to do a green post for Blog Action Day. Sadly, I missed it. ND is sick and I was having trouble juggling her and my own needs and work etc. Also, I thought it was for the 16th... whatever.

So I'll make up for it here.

We're coming up to my remission day and I have not yet announced the plan for this year.

So last year I wrote about my friend D who is also a cancer survivor. He and I are both very active with our shul's green committee, and he also works with getting green cleaning supplies to hospitals as his day job.

This year, several months ago, I proposed we do something that would give back to the community. In other words... not just a cake this time.

So over the next few months we put together an idea. I have to give him the bulk of the credit because he just had the resources, the brains, the initiative and the bravery to put a lot of it together. The text below should explain it thoroughly. It's been edited to protect the rules of anonymity that I maintain on here, however arbitrary:

October is a special month.

On October 19th, 1995 and October 22nd, 2003, we, DM and AK, were each respectively declared to be in remission from cancer.

To celebrate our second chance at good health and life, we’ve decided to give back to the community and invite you to be a part of it.

Studies have shown that a major cause of disease is exposure to toxic chemicals in our everyday lives. Both of our diagnoses were very likely caused by exposures to chemicals, including those in our homes. We want to help you reduce your family’s exposure by replacing your household cleaning chemicals with healthy and effective alternatives.

On October 21st, from 8:30 AM (following minyan) until 12 noon, our shul will host a drop-off of your cleaning chemicals. Bring your old cleaning products to be disposed of safely. At that time, you will be able to purchase Greening the Cleaning® products...

So far we've had an incredible response. Some people are touched by what we're doing. Some others have pre-ordered CASES of the products we're selling. Most exciting to me is what I heard about one family in the community. The woman's father recently died of cancer and she lost her mother to cancer many years ago as well. As I understand it, they're family is really going to try to purge the yucky stuff from their house as we ask.

I'm recently struck by how many cancer fundraisers there are, but am curious how much of that money or education goes towards prevention. I think most of the time anything raised goes towards early detection or treatment, but how much are companies -- cosmetic, cleaning or otherwise -- willing to spend to ensure their products are safe for people or the environment? I've come to a point where I simply trust very few companies to consider my health (or the health of those I love) to be a true long-term priority.

Teaching Log (I'm not going to # it anymore): Courage To Teach

I'm reading The Courage To Teach by Parker Palmer. If you go to that link, you'll find a site for their center that helps you reconnect "who you are with what you do."

That's basically what the book is about although it uses some pretty academic language to get there. (I enjoy reading such sophisticated sounding language.)

The first I really heard of The Courage To Teach was from a teaching neighbor of mine when I worked in Portland just before my cancer diagnosis. He was going through a crisis point in his life both about his teaching about some inner struggles... primarily that his father was dying at the time. He had read the book and was attending Courage To Teach workshops which apparently were an enormous support to his spirit through all of this.

As I read the book I find myself as the reader (and that he as a writer) seem continually need to justify and explain why a teacher's "inner landscape" would be relevant to their work. But there is evidence that it does make a difference.

One student I heard about said she could not describe her good teachers because they differed so greatly, one from another. But she could describe her bad teachers because they were all the same: "Their words float somewhere in front of their faces, like the balloon speech in cartoons."

He goes on to talk about connectedness and now it is not narcissistic, but necessary for teachers to be connected with who they are personally.

It occurs to me how hard it is for people to accept spiritually: in this form, in the form of meditation, even prayer etc.

There is no problem accepting some of the other unnecessary diversions from our work in the world, like humor, entertainment, fancy material goods etc. But to look inside oneself and tap into the essence that is there, or to look outwards for G-d, those things are somehow considered silly.

I'm thinking a little of my own work environment. Working in a yeshiva means that I work with a lot of people for whom living Torah lives and teaching are part of their spirituality. But to take the time and look inward in such personal ways is probably much too scary for many. I'm judging this simply on the fact that there are few with whom I think I could discuss a book like this, but also because of how they relate to children. There are some good teachers who still could be better if only they didn't hold children at arm's length. There are others who know their students well, and not in order to be the expert on their lives, but in order to reach for their spirits.

I'm also thinking about how "self-reflective" I've always been, and how often this was really just about ego -- narcissism again. There have been times in my life when I really really wanted or even needed to be the center of attention in my life to be happy. There are times when I shared too much information about my dreams, my inner landscape etc. This blog is a perfect example.

But every trait has two sides. Regardless of whether or not I tend to be self-centered, I need to center myself to be the best teacher that I can be.

I did a search for blogs which also mention Courage To Teach. I'd like to find more teaching community online.

Play Date

Had a play date today with our friend NB and his mom CB. I was going to use this as an opportunity to post a video I took of them at our last play date, but sadly, I think I accidentally erased it.

Irreverent

This week has been INSANE. Oddly enough, I can't elaborate much. A lot has happened for us and for people around us. With one situation for a friend, it's too sad for me to write about publicly. And for us, we had a difficult situation that is basically over now but that really stressed us out. The one thing I'll say about it is that I'm really proud of how well we operated through it as a team, just in time for our anniversary this Sunday. (Keep watching for posts about that.)

The only thing I feel comfortable actually mentioning is along a similar level of intensity as the other things, which was that my supervisor called me at 10 last night to say one of my colleagues who works in the morning was hit by a car and in the hospital. I agreed to substitute. The substituting isn't a big deal except that I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked, especially as I'm still fighting this cold. But a crash like that shakes everyone up.

Yesterday in the teacher's lounge we all got into a big conversation about cancer. After all, my assistant (and also the assitant of the person who was hit by the car) was there, the one whose fiance has it, and their wedding day would have been this Sunday. (Yes, the same as our anniversary), but they've postponed for now. During this conversation I learned about a colleague that I barely know... learned he had Hogkins just over a year ago. (This was before he was with the school.) And I came out to a few people who didn't know my history. Every time that happens -- which seems frequent lately -- I'm bursting with the desire to talk about it. I'm hoping to find another chance to chat with this guy before the school year totally ends next week.

Last Shabbat I read Cancer Made Me A Shallower Person. I haven't read any books about cancer since I was sick and I'm fine with that. But I really liked this a lot. The back of the book describes it as "irreverent and humorous." I don't know why, but that really ticks me off. Again, it fires me up for some reason I can't quite identify. Whenever I read that on a book I think, "Oh, this will be a rip-roaring hilarious book, not like those sappy, 'Roses are beautiful, life is precious and G-d is just terrific' books about cancer. No, this one will be FUNNY."

It was funny in places. Just the kind of thing to make someone say, "Wow, isn't she brave... to be funny through ALL OF THAT." Of course it was funny. It was a real person talking about a real experience. And real experiences come in many shades of emotion... not just harp music dramatically watching someone say their last words and die.

I liked the the book because I connected with it. Again, a regular person talking about the real feelings that come up, and doing so with the same personality she would have had even before her life was turned upside down.

I don't know how relevant any of this is right now, but I just really wanted to write SOMETHING on here this morning after this long week, and I had wanted to write about the book anyway. Good news is that we are getting a visit tonight through Shabbat from JR who is passing through town and whose blog is not up-to-date and I think he's keeping another one but am not sure now. I've been too swamped to read other people's... just show off my own to the world later.

Whatever... I need to get ready for work.

More About Post-Cancer Recovery...Four Years Post, In Fact

Great thanks to alissa for sending me this article about surviving cancer emotionally in my last post.

In response to the article, I have to say that while I was in treatment I sought out every kind of help I could find: one-on-one counseling, art therapy, yoga for cancer patients, meditation, support groups etc. (I actually hated support groups. I met some interesting people, but so desparately wanted to talk but didn't want to steal the discussion that I preferred the less-socially-pressureful settings of one-on-one attention. Besides, cancer or no cancer, I see myself as an oddball. So I felt out of place.) I took very good care of myself.

And I think I still take pretty good care of myself.

But somehow, there was some kind of dramatic shift from being sick to healthy again... and it was jarring and painful. And I felt guilty for that (what else is new) and knew even less than usual about how to relate to people. I don't think I did it wrong or right in anyway, but I'm still wrestling with this journey of healing.

I suggested to U. how interesting it would be to make a documentary about young cancer survivors and what happens to them later. How many change their lives completely because of the cancer and become doctors, nurses and support group leaders because of it? How many act like it never happened? How many claim to have a newfound appreciation of the world?And how many of those become hypocrites and complain about stupid trivial things every day?

Finally, how many live with the same fear that I have?

I guess I've denied it for awhile, because I know my cancer is not supposed to come back, medically speaking. But I'm facing more and more and more the constant tension of waiting for a shoe to drop. It could be illness, an accident, anything. And it could happen to anyone I love. But I just keep waiting for it.

Today I was talking to the relative of a friend of mine in shul. I haven't seen this relative since I was pregnant, but she knows my history and walked over to me at kiddush to see ND. We talked about the fear. And I said for the first time, as though testing to see if I could actually be right, "I'm looking around now and noticing that most people don't seem to be facing crisis or tragedy. Most people seem to be living pretty healthy lives. Maybe we're really okay." Even as I write this, and even as I read the article I linked to above, I feel my eyes getting teary. Can I really ever live a life that isn't tinged by this worry? Do I want to? Does living that way mean I would take things for granted? Does it mean that I would miss actually being with and loving and experiencing the love for my baby?

There's another angle on all of this too. Forgive me for such a long post. But there's a change in my professional life too.

I started my career in 2000-2001 when I got a Master's in Education at Lewis and Clark College. I was extremely self-reflective, filling an entire journal and a half for education related thoughts. Everyone said I was self-reflective, my teachers, my mentor etc. I used to write through my ideas. I also wasn't very good at quite a few things in education, but I was starting to learn. I thought I would always be reflective, would always be invested in teaching and would enjoy creatively creating my classroom and curricula.

Keep in mind too that people say the first 3 years of teaching are the hardest. It's best to have them in the same school. After that teaching is supposed to make more sense.

Here's what happened instead:
2001-2002 First year teaching. First years are never easy. Neither was this.
2002-2003 Excited to start a year that wasn't a first, but had one of the most difficult classes anyone in the school had seen, including a child whose drug addict parents had a restraining order against them. Over a third of my class were already classified as having special needs, either emotional or academic. More were to be diagnosed that year.

But I didn't finish the year. Diagnosed with cancer in March and had to leave.

2003-2004 Returned, but only in January and only part-time. In retrospect I see I was angry and bitter at the world and, frankly, at my students. Not a good year.

2004-2005 Moved to Vancouver, B.C. Work visa problems prevented me from doing any teaching again until January and only then did I take over part-time as substitute in a room I never considered my own. Also still bitter about recent past. Another bad few months of teaching.

2005-2006 Moved to NJ, deeply jarred by such a drastic move and by culture shock. Difficulties with school administration and a personal loss made the year one of the hardest I've had professionally. Despite not having cancer, I was ill quite a lot as if my body was desparate for some time just to acclimate and as if screaming at me that I still needed to sort some things out.

2006-2007 Started the year off pregnant and cheerful, took a nice long maternity leave and now, suddenly, I'm starting to enjoy teaching again. Having my precious baby waiting for me at the end of each day makes up for some of the annoying administration issues, but my teaching itself is going well enough to give me confidence too.

That's right. For the first time, I'm just starting to really like teaching. I'm even considering starting a teaching blog and a website with some of the lessons I plan and design. If you count the years above, it looks like I've been teaching for 6 years. But really, I'm just starting. I've only had two full years of full-time teaching out of all of that. Next year will be my third year at my current job. That magic three.

Is it OK to blame cancer for all of this? Well, not all of it, but quite a lot. I didn't expect that.

So what's next? I have my hopes, goals and dreams, but your guess is as good as mine. I guess you'll just have to keep reading as the years - please G-d - go on.

Guest Contribution

Between getting ready for Shavuot, writing anecdotals, getting food poisoning (or maybe a virus) and preparing for my parents' visit, I haven't had much time to blog here, but I have here. If you read it, you'll see I have an ulterior motive in writing it.

Nice

This is the post in which I reflect upon how I am getting to be less nice or gentle in a lot of ways (see last entry) and experience a mixture of guilt and empowerment alongside a mild identity crisis but do not withdraw my phase of un-niceness as a matter of principle and as an experiment in which I guage the reactions of my readers and the effect upon my own self of trying on a harder and possibly hypocritical stance about something that seems worthy of my attention and self-righteous indignation.

Tags

There. I did it.

I just finished attaching tags to every single post I've ever written on here... all 403 of them. That took quite a while... my whole maternity leave, I think. (You see I've been spending the time well.)

On another note... left ND with U. tonight while I went grocery shopping. She cried pretty much the whole time. When I came home and she caught sight of me she let out a particular cry I don't think I've heard before. Like, "Well THERE you are! How could you have left me like that?"

Naturally this makes me feel both glad that I'm so important and a little concerned with leaving her for 6 hour stretches starting a week from today. Next week, that Thursday and Friday, emarcy (see previous posts about her) will be here watching her. The disadvantage is that ND is often in the car at that time of day which makes her naps much easier to start. That's how it will be when she goes to daycare. I'm hoping she'll sleep on the way there and stay asleep for a good chunk of the time.

De-lurking Week

Apparently I missed delurking week again.

That means I'm asking you to leave a comment. To provide a focus, please tell me what work you do for "work" including at-home parenting) and/or what you do instead of work and choose how you feel about it:

A. I love my job, couldn't be happier.
B. This is just temporary. I REALLY want to __________________.
C. Other: ____________________________.
D. I'm not willing to comment because by doing so I might put my night-time secret identity at risk, but I WILL tell you that my superhero powers include__________________________.

Little Fish Big River

As if I had time...

someone sent me the link to the Little Fish Big River site in honor of the new year. It's a place you go to internationally log in and share acts of kindness you've done or received. I think the idea is that those same acts can inspire other people to do the same thing, then cross-references so you can see where that kindness is being repeated throughout the world.

It took me a couple of days on-and-off while giving kindness to my little one, but I finally managed to create a page on there. It might be fun. I'd love to see some of you on there too.