When Will I Work Again?

I made a major decision last week. Making this decision has been the one really difficult thing around the birth of my daughter. It's the stress of deciding when I must go back to work and all the implications, ramifications, consequences etc. surrounding it.

While I was trying to decide, it felt very complicated. I basically could decide to stick with what I'd originally told my employer... just a six-week leave because that's how much disability could pay for... (that would be half of my paycheck without getting anything from work)

or

I could take 3 months off and just know I wouldn't get paid except for half pay (disability) for the first 6 weeks.

Among reasons to take off only 6 weeks included that we do need to make whatever money we can and, besides, shouldn't it be enough that I'm working part-time instead of full?

Among reasons to take off a full 3 months include the words of all my wonderfully ideological friends who remind me of the sheer injustice of our not having greater maternity leaves in this country as compared to other countries and cultures.

I finally called the woman who taught our childbirth class to give me some guidance. I chose her because we'd discussed it before, but also she seemed like a woman of experience rather than ideology and I wanted to hear what she thought. As we discussed how well I've been doing since ND's birth, as well as all the other factors, she finally said she thought it would be okay for me to go back at six weeks. She confirmed I was not being a bad mom by doing so. I asked why it's hard for some women to do it and we talked, for one about sleep deprivation which (THANK G-D!) has not been a major issue for us. Others maybe have trouble adjusting to being moms or have trouble with hormones. The first of those has fit me easily so far, and I'm used to raging hormones so it hasn't been too difficult. I do get annoyed that I have to wake up about every 3-4 hours for about 1 1/2 hours at night, but I've adjusted. At least it's predictable.

The only really hard part about going back to work soon is the thought of leaving my daughter with someone else. It's sometimes even hard to leave her in U.'s arms when I leave the room to go to the bathroom or get things done.

So I called the place where we've signed her up for daycare. My hope was to revisit the place and be reassured. But first I couldn't find there number easily online. Then I couldn't even get anyone on the phone. I finally realized they are probably off for winter break.

Made me furious though. I will try again after New Year's and let them know how I felt about that. Their reaction might help me either feel worse or better about the situation. But then I can ACT on it if necessary. So much better than worrying.

Once I feel okay with someone else watching ND, I think this may really all be okay. Although I don't like being swamped by work, I do feel sort of bored during the day already and think I might as well start transitioning back. My hours before I went on leave included teaching my own class for the full afternoon (about 12:30-3:30), but also doing an hour of support in the morning in two other classrooms. As I transition back, my supervisor agreed that I may be able to cut back that extra hour of support. I think that will help a lot.

Now, last thought on this... as I tried all those weeks to decide what to do, I felt TREMENDOUS guilt at the thought of leaving my daughter with someone else.

But then on Friday, as I made as simple of a Shabbat dinner as I could, I felt guilty again for not somehow working harder, like women with more kids who push themselves harder.

What is UP with this GUILT thing? Is it possible to rid myself of it permanently? It seems to be completely unproductive.