The Weeks After

I'm not sure exactly what I expected the first weeks after my baby was born would be like. Honestly, I think I imagined walking into walls with sleep deprivation and being turbulently emotional along with that. It hasn't been like that.

My nights have definitely changed. I get far less sleep than I did during those last weeks of pregnancy, but it's not a problem. Nothing matters right now except my taking care of ND. There is nothing else I need to be "on" for during the day. And her wake-up-in-the-night times are actual fairly regular and predictable. I heard on the radio today that our ideal of 8 hour sleep cycles are a little artificial. In the past, people would get up in the middle of the night for an hour or so to study, meditate or whatever rather often. That's kind of ND and I do now. And some days I'm exhausted, but then if I need to, I can nap and make up for enough sleep eventually.

She does eat more often and for longer than I expected, but I don't mind except when I'm having trouble getting my own physical needs met, like trying to eat.

The apartment is pretty messy, but I'm not without time to tidy, if I set it as a priority. Unfortunately, we had to ask our housekeeper to stop coming, so we'll need to either start cleaning again or find someone new soon before things get too dirty.

Of course it really helps that my parents are visiting. It may get harder next week as that will be the first time I'm alone with ND for extended periods of time.

And I do get emotional, particularly when thinking about her and about having to leave her with others. Sometimes I leave her with my parents or with U. so I can go out and walk, and it's really hard to be away from her. Yesterday my dad and I went for a walk while ND slept on my mom's chest. My mom called to say the baby was crying, so we walked fast to get home. I was so eager to get back to her that and so distracted that, as I was crossing the street by our building, I tripped on an uneven curb and fell right onto my hands into the street. That of course really made me cry. It's easy to feel vulnerable.

However, and I hesitate to say this, I ALMOST miss work. I almost miss having the importance of completing things besides caring for her. I guess that's a good sign for later. It's also a reason for spending time with this blog. (She's sleeping in a sling right now that I'm wearing, so her little body is right above my typing fingers.)