A List Of Cruel Horrors I Inflict On Our Daughter

1. Not give her "real shoes."

Apparently Robeez shoes are not "real." I give her these (thanks to my mom's contribution) deliberately because they allow her to use her own little foot muscles and seem incredibly comfortable. I used to work in a friend's in-house daycare and we always took the kids' shoes off so they could develop balance and be comfortable. Parents didn't like this. As soon as we saw a car drive up, we always ran to get the shoes back on. I have a bunch of shoes for ND that a friend handed down to us. I finally did let her start trying them, and she actually really likes them. She stomps around, watching her feet, when I put them on her. But she also has a very hard time getting up when she falls down, and she falls down more too. We use them outdoors and sometimes on Shabbat mostly. Still, people do this thing where they turn their eyes away from me and casually ask, "So, do you have any "real shoes" for her?"


2. Deny her the experience of sleeping in a crib.

Although this is a major thing in our lives, I haven't written about it here because people have given us SO MUCH TROUBLE for it. I'm terrible at keeping a secret, but otherwise do my best simply not to bring up the subject of sleep. But here's the truth. When ND was born I simply couldn't bear the thought of her being out of eye and ear shot from me at nighttime. First she slept next to the bed in a carseat or cradle. Then we used an in-bed co-sleeper. Finally we just learned to sleep with her directly in bed with us. Once she was big enough to crawl out of bed we actually got a used futon on the floor. I go back and forth between that bed and the "adult bed", depending on the circumstances.

I made a point for a long time of not reading any of the famous books on the subject such as The Family Bed. But when I went to La Leche League meetings, this was all I could talk about. All my instincts screamed that she should be in bed with me and not in a crib, despite people telling me it was unsafe or that they could never imagine not having that time off from parenting. But I learned there is plenty of research to support that "sharing sleep" as Dr. Sears calls it in Nighttime Parenting, the book I finally did read and in which I found tremendous validation and comfort, is actually safer. It also feels good. ND likes it. I like it. I NEVER have to leave bed in the middle of the night to nurse with her. We just do it there. So when people tell me about their horrendous nights up with a baby, I just keep my mouth shut as much as I can. Yes, there have been some complications with negotiating all of this with U., but we're both basically fine with the situation.

3. Not demanding that ND go to bed early each night.

Now, for this, I am willing to say that it might be good for us to have a little more discipline with a set bed-time, but so far it hasn't worked for us. There have been far too many nights where I decided it was ND's bed time and we did the bath and the book and I even carried her around a bit in my Ergo baby carrier to get her sleepy and then laid down with her to nurse with the same CD on always and still it took over an hour to get her to sleep. This simply is not an efficient use of my time. Too many nights I've lost patience with her and got worried about getting my work done after she goes to sleep etc. So we have compromised. I put her to bed later than most babies go to bed and I go to bed earlier than most moms go to bed. Usually around 8:30 or 9:00. We lie down together and eventually, somehow, we both end up falling asleep. Sometimes I do get up again to get work done or hang out with U., but, especially Mondays through Wednesdays when I need as much sleep as I can to function well at work, this works better for us. I try to get up around 5 and have time to do my own thing then (like write this blog entry or meditate, do yoga, write in journal or even get work done for school). People are often impressed if they see I've sent an email before 6, but they aren't surprised when they see emails sent by someone staying up too late until midnight.

People have told me that I've GOT to learn to throw ND in a crib and let her cry it out. Oh, that makes me mad! Why have I got to... for my sanity? My sanity demands that I have a happy child. Why is it that if I say I like to sleep with my daughter I am criticized for looking out for my interests, but if I don't put her to bed early so I can have mom-time in the evening, I'm criticized for not looking out for my own interests?

4. Not teaching her things she can't learn.

Truthfully, no one has criticized me for this. This is a place where I criticize others. I'm so annoyed when people tell their one and two year olds that they have to share. Children at that age CAN'T SHARE. It's like asking them to do calculus. The adult should be the one to help her, providing a distraction, another toy or whatever. But telling them to share? Ever tell a lion he should try vegetarianism?

5. And finally, the worst thing of all, not weaning her until she's ready.

To anyone who thinks that people who believe in breastfeeding are self-righteous, I admit it. Many of us are. We have to be. I can't tell you how shocked people are that I would continue to nurse ND past a planned cut-off date. How many moms have I talked to who said that it broke their heart when they stopped breastfeeding, but that they did so because it was weird or that it was so horrible to continue once their children could actually ask for it verbally, or that they had to stick with some arbitrary plan of stopping them. There is no medical reason whatsoever that children need to stop at 1 year. And you all know I'm not about to give in to cultural pressure. I heard someone complaining about a woman who was breastfeeding her child well into toddler years and said, "She'll be culturally wounded," or something like that. Once the child starts worrying what the other kids think, she'll stop on her own.

I really work hard to keep my mouth shut on these things, but I really think I know what I'm doing better than some people think I do. Some of what I've written here is about choice and that's fine but, let's be totally honest, I am a professional. I have worked with kids my whole life and with that, combined with my own instincts, I don't think I can be doing as badly with my child as people tend to think. Yes I'm imperfect. Yes I've had plenty to learn and will continue to learn, but not from judgmental comments from people who aren't actually my good and trusted friends. I try hard not to be judgmental or at least to keep my thoughts to myself if I think they'll be badly received, and I'd appreciate the same respect.