Here's What Happens

Why is it that I haven't been able to come to a resting place after all these months? Why isn't grieving enough? Why do I feel at war? Why can't I settle, resolute, in what I believe?

I keep going through some kind of process, trying to find my own absolute truth, and I keep getting kicked out of what I wish I knew. 

Here's an example:

Last night Kamala Harris met with Bibi Netanyahu and then gave a short speech. It was just about perfect. It held perfect truths. Though not her words exactly, here is what I glean from what she said and believes to be true:

-Israel was attacked mercilessly and has a right to to defend itself. 

-Also, Bibi Netanyahu has made highly problematic choices.

-There is a humanitarian crisis in Gaza. Innocent Palestinian civilians are suffering.

-We should not see this issue as a binary. It is more nuanced and more complex.

I wrote to some friends last night that this kind of perspective has the potential to get us actually talking to each other again.

And then I second guessed some of the rage I've been feeling. And I asked myself am I no longer the compassionate person I wish to be.

And then I saw a video of interviews with Palestinians on the street who say that the Jews should go back to Europe. When the interviewer reminds her they've been kicked out of nearly every country there is, she blames us for being bad people and causing ourselves to be kicked out. And another man reiterates the lie that rapes didn't happen.

And I saw a photo of one of the hostages whose murdered body was just recovered and someone had left a laughing emoji.

And I heard that an old college friend who was easygoing and so much fun to play Set with is continuing to post simplistic anti-Israel cartoons.

And I learned that a little get-together and vigil is being held at the France Olympics to mourn the loss of one of the terrorists who was killed after participating in the operation that kidnapped and murdered Israeli athletes in Munich, including castrating one of them in front of his teammates. 

And the Muslim-Jewish Sisterhood to which I devoted years of peace-building work -- getting trained, learning, leading -- has now twice ignored a carefully written letter of mine to voice my concerns. 

And on top of all that, I learn that Kamala's speech has now perhaps inadvertently derailed yet another hostage deal.

I'll quote a friend of mine who says that when the BLM movement took place, they said, "We shouldn't have to do the work. You do the work."

I've done so much work, and this is where I'm left. Who is doing the work on our behalf? What happens if I decide not to care anymore about what anyone else thinks?

My conscience will pull me back again, I know. It will worry I've missed something of who I am, of my heart. I will care. And then I'll get knocked back again.