1st Shabbat In Shul

ND is one month old today. Amazing.

After giving birth, a mother is supposed to say a prayer called "birkat hagomel" which is for people who have been in dangerous situations. It is meant to be said among 10 men (although today someone told me you can say it that a woman can say it with 10 women instead), and ideally during a Torah reading at shul).

On Dec. 25 I tried to go when my dad was visiting because it was not Shabbat and I could drive there, plus the services started later than on a weekday. But I wasn't feeling well so I didn't make it. I tried again on New Year's Day, but ND wanted to breastfeed as soon as we arrived and I realized I wanted to say it when women and/or U. were there with ND and me. So today we tried again. It was POURING rain at 2 AM, so I was a little nervous, but then the weather was gorgeous for us. But by then we had decided to sleep a little extra (ND was so cuddly at 7 AM!) and we didn't actually leave until past 11. I had hoped we could at least be there when they did mincha (afternoon prayers) right after the morning services. Of course, today was the day they switched times so that people would come back in the evening for mincha.

Whatever. The long and short of it is that we only got there in time to socialize and I need to try again to bentsch gomel.

As we pushed the stroller up the drive and parked it with over a dozen others, both U. and I felt for the first time like we really were parents. It was a little frightening. And since I haven't been to shul in at least two months, I was surprised to see how much so many of the other kids have grown. Some weren't walking when I saw them last, and now they are!

Lots of people came up to admire ND, but I was sad to feel afterwards that I felt just as awkward as always. I have felt very loved by the community as they have been bringing us meals and gifts, but once we are all in a social situation, I just feel like I don't fit in. There are a number of people I really like, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's easy to know what to say and to feel natural around them. (I think U. feels similarly.)

It may be a symptom of being far too much into myself, but I've always felt very different from many of the people in our community in that I like earthy spiritual yoga-ish "granola" things. But here I've just had this baby, one of the most spiritual events of my life, and almost EVERYONE in this community has been there and done that already, and often more than once. Sure we've all done it different ways. But I've needed years to be ready for this, and so many of these families have already been families for so long. Maybe that's why they felt they didn't need those "extras." At the same time, I'm no less "crunchy" than before. Besides the natural route of constantly breastfeeding, I've also been learning about baby massage and mom/baby yoga and meditation.

I'm not sure how much sense I'm making. I think I'll stop here...