Perfection Paradox

That image is of a pair of docs, by the way...

This was a good Rosh Hashanah... much better than I expected. The last three years have been frustrating at best, so I was really pleased. I didn't find any answers, but found some questions. One of the questions I need to confront has everything to do with the fact that it went so well this year.

I think ND was the key. Usually I get very anxious about circumstances around shul going just the way they should. I want absolute concentration. I want a leader who feels sincere. I want to be around other people who are serious about davening etc. etc.

This year, a lot of that actually may have happened. Whether or not it did, I barely noticed because ND kept me so busy. Don't get me wrong. We got to shul at a pretty early time and stayed straight through. But ND needed a lot of my attention. The only times that she didn't were when I passed her on to U. who took her out of the room to crawl around and explore the hospital in which we had the services.

(They have an auditorium there for classes where we have held services for the past couple of years. U. and I calculated that we are probably the closest family to the hospital too, which makes for an easy one-block commute to shul.)

At those times when U. had her, I really could concentrate, and the fact that it was so urgent that I concentrate at that moment, it was emotional and heavily laden with my desires for a good davening.

It helped, too, that the davening was FAST. No time to reflect on how well or not well it was going. Starting at 8, the services ended around 12 or 1 both days! And still there was time for some thoughtful reflection by the rabbi. Some people might think that speed amounts to a lack of intention, but it really isn't so for me. And, frankly, it probably meant more people were able to stay for longer in shul without talking.

Anyway, my perfection paradox is like this:

Despite how well things went, there still were times when U. wasn't there right when I wanted him to be, or when I caught myself getting annoyed at people who seemed to be dressed immodestly for shul or whatever. This is not new to me to think about this, but I can't help but reflect that the harder I work at trying to be the best I can be, the more and more tense I become about whether others are also as good as they can be. I become impatient quickly with myself, my family, fellow Jews and fellow citizens. But when I relax my expectations, I feel lazy and like I'm not reaching towards my potential.

What a tricky balance. I suppose G-d makes it complex on purpose. What mastery if I could find a way to push myself and yet be tolerant.

My best theory so far of how to do this is to acknowledge the wonder of teshuvah (repentance or returning). After all, only G-d is perfect, and in G-d's wisdom created the institution of teshuvah. Doesn't the existence of teshuvah prove that G-d expects imperfection?

I usually think of teshuvah as,

"I screwed up. I can do better than this. I'll try harder next time."

Maybe it's better to say,

"I know what the right thing is and I want to strive towards it. I will do it as much and as consistently as possible. But since I am imperfect and have made mistakes, please give me a clean slate so that I don't lose hope in myself."