Chagim 2009

It's been an odd run of chagim this year.

First, they feel so early. I was still metaphorically panting from the first weeks of school by the time the shofar sounded on the second day of Yom Tov.

Rosh Hashanah was a great start. I got to shul early and davened close to the chazzan and really hit a profound place emotionally. But by the end of the holiday I felt a cold coming on so couldn't help but wonder if that was what caused the emotion rather than a connection with G-d. On the other hand, did Hashem send it so that it would be easier to feel what was happening? Don't ignore anything that could be a blessing.

Eager to have a school year with fewer sick days, I worked really hard and made myself quite ill in the next week, so that Yom Kippur I spent mostly in bed... learning to yield, I guess, learning to accept, but wondering if I haven't learned that enough times already.

But now I've had this wonderful week off for Sukkot. Monday and Tuesday were beautiful and I had the foresight to pick up ND early from school and take her to Van Saun Park. The park has a carousel and a small zoo as well as multiple fantastic playgrounds for all different ages (and also for physically disabled,) as well as a big duck pond. ND went on the carousel for the very first time. That was at least as fun for me as for her. I loved watching her awe. Then we went to the zoo, including the zoo train, and lastly I pushed her in the stroller for two brisk laps around the duck pond, giving me one of the first aerobic walks I've had in awhile.

Tuesday I had no plans to do anything special with her, but it was so sunny I couldn't stand the thought of only being indoors. So I picked her up early again and we went to a petting zoo.

Along with all of that I found time to write plans for school, catch up on email, clean a pile of boxes and give-aways out of the guest room (that took me 2 hours!) and rearrange my kitchen. It's amazing how much I can accomplish when I'm home alone!

Wednesday was a great morning including getting more exercise and spending a solid hour writing, as well as Uri and me going on a date for lunch. But after lunch I got stomach ache that flattened me for the night. I think it was actually a virus. The next day I was half-dead to the world and had to really struggle to get to two appointments I had and to pick up ND. This then turned into a tiny cold which I think I'm over now.

But it led me to the horrible realization that I value myself too much based on my accomplishments. What if I really were sick all the time? What would it take to make me truly feel at peace with that? Do I want to reach that state or shall I continue to accept in myself the frantic agitated feelings I get when I "fail" and become ill again.

In any case, Yom Tov is approaching now again, and I'm feeling the usual excitement that I always do before candlelighting. I don't know what this year holds. I think it will be tougher at work than last year... just a gut feeling I have. And maybe my health will not improve as I get older, but will lead to me always catching something or other every few weeks. 

But maybe I can grow a little more internally and return to some more feelings of "okayness" with the imperfection that G-d has so perfectly created.