Missing writing

I admit it. I'm jealous. A friend from my writer's group, Writer Granny posted a few days ago that she hit blog post number 1,521 after having started her blog in 2009. This blog that you're looking at was started in November of 2004 and this post is number 912.


The result? I'm writing a blog post that doesn't say a whole lot of anything.

A few hours ago we took a break from some household chores and watched Spellbound, a documentary about 8 kids competing for the world championship in a spelling bee. Talk about over-achievement! My takeaway (especially after my last post): When you set goals that are really really high, there will always be a little disappointment, even if you really do the very best you can. To be in the moment without qualifiers, without "but" or "if only," but just to be and do what's possible with a little bit of discipline, that's my new goal. It's not easy to keep a goal like that under pressure. However, it's a goal that I can be proud of achieving again and again in small victories.



So why I'm writing this blog post. Well, yeah, I wish I had more blog posts. Am I aiming for 1,521? No, not right now. I do think I'd like to post a little more often though, and then maybe I'll throw a party when I discover I've actually reached 1000.

Another small victory.

Manic Activism

I think this tends to happen to me in the spring that I start to feel a sort of manic activism.

I just got home from watching Vegucated with my CSA as a launch for this year's farm share. It got me reflecting once again on my food choices which is a little stressful for me because there are so many "don'ts" and "can'ts," some more self-imposed than others. I try to be mostly vegetarian and would consider veganism if 1. I didn't love cheese but 2. (more importantly) I wasn't allergic to nuts and wary of soy. I would love to craft the most humane food-eating regimen possible, but for my food sensitivities, Kashrut, difficulty to come by certain foods, high risk for breast cancer (and so avoidance of soy) etc. After the images of animal mistreatment, however, I think it's tragic how many people eat meat -- including Kosher -- without fully realizing the impact of their consumption. If they knew, they might still choose to eat meat. But shouldn't they know?

It's not just food on my mind.

I'm also about to start my yearly Tread On Trafficking campaign to combat modern day child sexual slavery.

I'm writing an article about issues of gender in the Orthodox Jewish Community.

I spent a weekend with a dear friend that reminds me of my desire to watch my actions environmentally throughout every part of my day. (Amazing how proximity to the right people can remind you of values you share.)

I also just completed phase 1 of a project in my school to reduce waste production, especially of plastic water bottles. I'm proudest of that because it took a lot of planning and I see the effects immediately, but I'll return to that in another post.

I suppose when I'm like this, it could start getting annoying for others. All this desire to change is a form of perfectionism for the world and we all know how unhealthy perfectionism can be. I may be labeled idealist, self-righteous, obnoxious. They would be fair labels.

However, the alternative is dire. The things I'm aware of that drive me towards working on each of these causes (and more) must be tackled if not actually changed. The fact that so many people are  unaware is frightening.

Like the bumper sticker says, "If you're not pissed off, you aren't paying attention."


Read more »

Art

I came to the alarming conclusion recently that not all people think of art in the same way that I do. I don't just mean a single work of art and that two people shouldn't have diverse reactions to it. I mean that I have discovered not all people see art in the same life-defining soul-wrenching way.

I'm going to talk primarily about movies here. Yes, movies are an art form. A few months ago U went out with some friends to see a movie that I'm not going to name for reasons which I will explain below. In any case, he went with these friends to this movie, all of them thinking they were going to an action movie. They were planning to come home afterwards and just go on with their lives as if nothing significant had happened other than them having a fun night out together.

When they came out of the movie they talked about it. His friends chattering away about nitpicky details and saying
Read more »

ND's piano recital

I'm way behind, mainly because I have a post in mind that will need some real attention.

But here's a quickie.

Mister Rogers Remix

On a scale of 1-10 on really cool and make me feel good, I give this video an 11.

50/50

Just watched 50/50. Been wanting to see this for awhile but a little nervous too. Some parts really hit home... his age, some of the day to day issues. The rest I just enjoyed for what it was. Loved the friend. Ethically not okay with the final date in the movie, but I won't say more and risk giving anything away.

Party

I was invited, along with my whole shul, to an enormous surprise birthday party in Newark. I opted out, then changed my mind, then changed my mind again. I sometimes complain about not getting to do fun things like everyone else, but when it came right down to it, I didn't feel like going to something like this without U. We watched a Point Blank instead.

Snow's Thawing

Last Year At Marienbad

This is one of the strangest movies I've ever seen. After the first 20 minutes I said to Uri, "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with this." He said I didn't have to watch it and I said, "Oh yes I do..." I don't give up that easy. Don't read on if you plan to see it and haven't yet... It's hypnotic and no one can explain it including the film makers. For a long time I thought it was all about time, or maybe storytelling. Then I thought maybe the seducer was just plain crazy. Then suddenly I was completely sure that the woman had a fever and the seducer was death taking her away. So sure of it that I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I think I really liked this after all.

Chagim 2009

It's been an odd run of chagim this year.

First, they feel so early. I was still metaphorically panting from the first weeks of school by the time the shofar sounded on the second day of Yom Tov.

Rosh Hashanah was a great start. I got to shul early and davened close to the chazzan and really hit a profound place emotionally. But by the end of the holiday I felt a cold coming on so couldn't help but wonder if that was what caused the emotion rather than a connection with G-d. On the other hand, did Hashem send it so that it would be easier to feel what was happening? Don't ignore anything that could be a blessing.

Eager to have a school year with fewer sick days, I worked really hard and made myself quite ill in the next week, so that Yom Kippur I spent mostly in bed... learning to yield, I guess, learning to accept, but wondering if I haven't learned that enough times already.

But now I've had this wonderful week off for Sukkot. Monday and Tuesday were beautiful and I had the foresight to pick up ND early from school and take her to Van Saun Park. The park has a carousel and a small zoo as well as multiple fantastic playgrounds for all different ages (and also for physically disabled,) as well as a big duck pond. ND went on the carousel for the very first time. That was at least as fun for me as for her. I loved watching her awe. Then we went to the zoo, including the zoo train, and lastly I pushed her in the stroller for two brisk laps around the duck pond, giving me one of the first aerobic walks I've had in awhile.

Tuesday I had no plans to do anything special with her, but it was so sunny I couldn't stand the thought of only being indoors. So I picked her up early again and we went to a petting zoo.

Along with all of that I found time to write plans for school, catch up on email, clean a pile of boxes and give-aways out of the guest room (that took me 2 hours!) and rearrange my kitchen. It's amazing how much I can accomplish when I'm home alone!

Wednesday was a great morning including getting more exercise and spending a solid hour writing, as well as Uri and me going on a date for lunch. But after lunch I got stomach ache that flattened me for the night. I think it was actually a virus. The next day I was half-dead to the world and had to really struggle to get to two appointments I had and to pick up ND. This then turned into a tiny cold which I think I'm over now.

But it led me to the horrible realization that I value myself too much based on my accomplishments. What if I really were sick all the time? What would it take to make me truly feel at peace with that? Do I want to reach that state or shall I continue to accept in myself the frantic agitated feelings I get when I "fail" and become ill again.

In any case, Yom Tov is approaching now again, and I'm feeling the usual excitement that I always do before candlelighting. I don't know what this year holds. I think it will be tougher at work than last year... just a gut feeling I have. And maybe my health will not improve as I get older, but will lead to me always catching something or other every few weeks. 

But maybe I can grow a little more internally and return to some more feelings of "okayness" with the imperfection that G-d has so perfectly created.

Portland Bike Ride

Around this time 6 years ago, while I was in the midst of cancer treatment, I went on the Providence Bridge Pedal bike ride with my dad. There were multiple routes available and I remember crying when I ran out of steam and could only manage the 18.5 mile route. (The mileage is actually listed in a poem I included in my just-published book, which is how I remember it.)

Yesterday Dad and I went out again and I wanted to beat that 18.5, but perfectly healthy as I am now, I was still plenty exhausted after just 17 miles. We started at my parents' house in SW, went down SW Taylor's Ferry, crossed the Sellwood Bridge, biked North up to the train bridge, and looped around again.

Along the way we squeezed in a great little trip to the Saturday Market (on a Sunday) and bought lots of homemade stuff.

Ironically, I've forgotten that exercising to the point of exhaustion is sometimes a contributor to insomnia for me which is why I'm up too early.

Here's a picture of the train bridge as it let a sailboat through an my dad fixed a tire. Hello, Willamette!:

Up

SPOILER ALERT!

We saw Up today. Our first movie in awhile.

I'd like to refrain from my usual tirades about children's movies, but I'm afraid that my opinions in this area are too relevant for me to ignore in this case. Here's why:

Up is basically two different movies. In the beginning it's a touching story about a little boy who wants to be an explorer. He meets a like-minded girl and they have a very sweet friendship which leads to romance and marriage and a beautiful and touching life together. That segment sadly includes her death. Besides the usual sadness of loss of a life partner, there is also a grief in the fact that they had planned to someday explore and live in Paradise Falls in South America. The old man, too, is about to be put -- against his will -- into a retirement home. It's at this point that he decides triumphantly to go on his own for the two of them.

I think that could have been a lovely 15-minute short, suitable for adults. (I cried nonstop during that entire part of the movie.)

But the market is not for profound short animation pieces. It's for full-length action/adventure that can lead to as much product placement as possible that children can demand their parents buy. Some artists, Spielberg for example, alternate between making movies that are meaningful and making movies that sell. This one tried to do both by throwing in a silly adventure with cute and villainous characters and highly predictable values and discoveries.

If I could have just watched the beginning and ended in one scene from later, I would have rated the movie a 9 or 9.5. (I don't do 10 hardly ever.) But all the other stuff pushed it down to a 5 or 6 for me.

So what about kids... what do they need? Here's my controversial take.

NOTHING!

Children,especially very young ones, should not be sitting in front of a screen at all, certainly not more that about 15 minutes and not in a theater. They can't integrate all this storytelling and they've got whole worlds, both real and imaginary, that they can and should be exploring instead of being paralyzed by the glow of a screen. We show ND (age 2 1/2) home movies and youtube clips of dance numbers. As she gets older we may do more, but storytelling is so basic for her now. Isn't it better to inroduce quality film when she's ready to actually process it? And to actually have a valid conversation about it the way we do wth books in the classroom?

I don't expect that's necessarily what's right for everyone which is why I'm writing it rather than talking about it. But it's upsetting to me that people so rarely even explore this debate anymore.

Once In A Lifetime

This photo is being added on April 14... this is from the events listed below. It shows ND, me, the sun, and the chometz burning...

*************************************************

Today is a very special day.

1. It's Erev Pesach. Very exciting. It comes once a year. This year is special because we're leading our own seder for the 2nd time ever on the 2nd night. One of the things I want to talk about at the seder is that we're not just telling the story of something that happened long ago, but making history by continuing the story... sitting together and using that act of sitting together as testimony of a relationship with G-d that began long ago.

2. Today we said Birkat Hachamah, a blessing on the sun that is said only once every 28 years.

3. It is even rarer that Birkat Hachamah and Pesach coincide.

4. On top of that, what few people know, is that it's NATIONAL ANT DAY TOMORROW!!! (Do a search for ant day on my blog. I don't have time to link it. Sorry.)

What do we do with all this? Well, I'm excited as all heck for all of it and had a great time taking ND with me VERY EARLY this morning to do the bracha and also to burn chometz at the shul. I'll post a picture once I find time and my cable for downloading photos.

But I'm thinking about Once in A Lifetime opportunities. They're exciting and there's the urge to grasp at them and snatch them up as super special.

But every moment can be a once in a lifetime opportunity. I know this already and know it even more as I mature as an adult and especially now that I'm a mom.

I'm currently reading The Power Of Now about living in the present moment. U. and I watched Synechdoche, New York too. It's incredibly uncomfortable but also very profound. It hasn't been consistently well-received and, again, I was terribly uncomfortable -- almost nauseous -- during it, but have decided I really loved it. I think about it constantly. Both the book and the movie -- one fresh and enlightening and one deeply painful and artistic -- are about loving life and experiencing it fully.

So today I was really excited for Birkat Hachamah, but I tried not to grab at it. Just show up, experience it joyfully, and go on to the next thing joyfully too.

What Do You Want To Bee For Purim?

I had a lovely princess dress for her, but yesterday she refused to put it on. So I sent out an email call to a local shul yahoo group asking for help. By today I had 2 teachers and one parent at my shul bring me costumes we could try and many others tease me for my posting. I also got a note from someone with the costume below which ND agreed to rather than be a fairy princess, ballerina, cowgirl or Winnie The Pooh.

Anyone know how to rotate this image? In the meantime, I guess you just have to rotate your monitor or your head!

Stalking

I awoke this morning thinking about Facebook. Very odd. Actually, I dreamt about a friend that I recently just discovered was on Facebook and as I awoke I was thinking that Facebook makes me miss my friends a lot. It keeps me in touch with them too, at least in theory, but really I can't hang out with them in the sukkah or anywhere else for that matter just because they're on Facebook.

My favorite part of Facebook is posting what I'm up to at any given moment and snooping around looking at what others are up to. It's somewhat creepy really. Reminds me of writing by Paul
Auster. I fell in love with his writing for a little while after I realized he wrote the screenplay for Smoke. One of this obsessions (besides obsession itself) is the idea of being watched. He wrote a story about a guy who hired a private detective to trail himself, just so he could feel it. I don't think I want to be watched, but I do like people knowing a little about what I'm doing.

Which brings me, almost perversely, to Night Of The Hunter which U. and I saw tonight. Very very interesting film. Creepy as hell, particularly for its time, and such fascinating dynamics of good and evil and a villain who just won't stop. "Doesn't he ever sleep?" Also some surprisingly candid sexual issues.

I don't want to give away anymore right now (and need to get to sleep anyway), but I'm just so glad we watched this tonight. Besides, it had Lillian Gish!!!

Sarah Chances

We just watched Seven Chances by Buster Keaton.



In the clip above, you just get some awesome stunt action, all actually life-threatening and performed by Buster Keaton himself of course (while staying completely in comedic character).

The story is about James Shannon who will inherit a fortune if he marries by 7 PM. He only wants to marry his true sweetheart, but his business partner puts an ad in the paper saying he'll marry whatever woman shows up at the church at 5. When 500 women show up and feel slighted at being the butt of some joke, they go after him.

So you'll have to forgive me but I must get political here. Doesn't this sound a little familiar? Very inspiring Democratic National Convention this week and here's John McCain,

"Dammit, my convention's next week. I don't want to be overshadowed by this minority candidate who won the nomination over a popular woman candidate... gotta get someone good to be my VP... hmmm, should I go Black or female... let's go woman... a woman... any woman..."

I look forward to seeing the 500 Republican women who realize what a joke this is going after him. I just doubt he can dodge the rocks so gracefully!

Jenkinsons Beach

Went to Jenkinsons Boardwalk yesterday.

You know I must be a true Oregonian. I can't seem to get to the beach without it storming.

Didn't mind at all though, again, because I'm an Oregonian.

In Oregon, though, the beach is quiet, moody, rumbling softly and people are scarce.


In New Jersey, even on a chilly rainy day, it's all about bikinis, beach umbrellas and the boardwalk. Lots and lots of people. Lots of games. Lots of MONEY spent.

We had a blast. Played a lot of games and lost a lot of cash. ND knows how to do a slot machine now, if only to win tokens for prizes.



She also won a stuffed dolphin in one of those "fishing" games where she puts in the pole, gets a magnetic fish, then chooses a prize. Unfortunately, I think it got lost in our end rush for the car.

We didn't actually play on the beach except for maybe 10 minutes. Thunder would roll and lifeguards would send everyone in.

We ended our day playing golf on a rooftop in between storms. The lady refunded our money when lightning flashed and we saw another cloud was about to break. Got downstairs just in time and ND and I waited inside while U. got the car. She and I dashed through the torrent into the car and then we all headed home happy together.

Shifting

Last night was the end-of-the-year party for the teachers at my school. I was really looking forward to it, but 45 minutes before it began, there was an enormous storm outside. Meanwhile, ND was very agitated and U. got nervous about how to make her happy while I was gone. So I decided not to go. Instead we finished watching Into The Wild.

The movie left me, as I expected, upset and unsettled and I had a very hard time going to sleep last night. I don't know why it hits me so deeply. I suppose it has to do with imagining a person's last thoughts before death, particularly after his having made such significantly unnecessary mistakes. The quality of real-live-legend also overwhelms me somehow.

So this morning I am up and continuing to feel a deep need of some kind, unsure what it is. I'm sad I missed the party last night. I suspect I would have enjoyed it. On the other hand, once I decided to stay home last night I felt it was probably where I belonged... that I wanted to have a quiet time with my family. The grass is always greener on either end of Route 4.

Is this about the end of the year? The total change in routine, expectation and social network? I don't see my teacher friends over the summer much. Am I worried about being lonely? Or am I glad to be at this point? I guess all of it.

Meanwhile, today is our 7 year anniversary. I spent my uneasy hours last night at the computer trying to decide 7 songs I could buy from ITunes for us in honor of our 7 years.

But then, we don't have a plan for tonight either. We're always bad about that... not planning our special days, but I definitely want to mark it.

My meditation theme since Pesach has had to do with letting go and allowing things to happen rather than grasping. I see I still need that focus very much.

Sicko

I just saw Sicko. It made me cry.

There are so many things I want to devote time to fixing, protesting about, educating others or whatever:

environment
health care problems
bad parenting
momsrising issues
living from the heart and not rushing everywhere
preventing cancer by actually researching the toxic products that are sold everyday

etc.

And I also want to just be a good mom and teacher etc.

(and not getting paid enough for either!!!!!!!)

I need to go to bed and am feeling a little sad about the world and wanted to write a long entry about something else, but now I'm going to write a quick note to send to all the democratic presidential candidates.

More About 6

I wrote recently about our little six-month old baby. Today I'm writing about our six-year old marriage.

I don't blog about U. much on here. There are a number of reasons. One is that I try to protect his privacy. Another is that some of the things I write about, we do separately. But he's not at all absent in my heart and everyday life.

At the beginning of our relationship, I often got upset that we weren't like other couples we saw. Maybe we didn't look as affectionate as others, or didn't do as many things together or weren't in sync completely religiously or what-have-you. (It's interesting how many of those couples either are no longer couples or do things that I KNOW are not right for us.)

But I've learned over the years that just as I am no one but me, and he is no one but he, we are no one but we.

I wrote about how this past week a lot of difficult things happened. The one that was closest to home involved U. and I making an extremely difficult decision. It was the kind of decision that felt kind of yucky afterwards, even though it was the right thing to do. What was wonderful about it was that I couldn't help but be amazed and how unified we were when we made it. I feel so much pride in that.

To celebrate today's anniversary, we left ND with a babysitter. (Not easy for me at all, but something I need to learn to do.) And we went to see Spiderman 3. For better or for worse, I DON'T think we were unified in our opinion of it, but that's another piece of growth for us... it just doesn't bother me as much to be on different pages about movies anymore.

And ND survived the babysitter.