Contrasts on Tisha B'Av

Tricky day as always, to try and feel legitimate mourning, and yet not to fake it so much that it feels artificial.

Last night I went as always to the Teaneck Women's Tefillah group for Eicha. A beautiful and solemn reading with no chitchat. Afterwards we sang Eli Tsiyon. Too beautiful for me to join in without a tear.

This morning I went to my shul's kinot. I must be honest. I do not like kinot at all. I find them extremely hard to connect to, but I didn't want to be home without being active in addressing the day. In addition, I wanted to show my face at shul, to show that the day mattered.

There was just over a minyan there. I was the only woman. Everything about the service was fine. When we got to Eli Tsiyon the men sang fast, though, ready to go home. After two hours in shul I was eager too, especially since I hadn't even since ND awake yet and wanted to be the one to drive her to camp. But when the men sang, it sounded like a victory march.

Was it the pacing? The fact that it was men's voices? An inattentiveness to what the song meant? Or the fact that sadness is just easier to connect with at night, especially when the day isn't awaiting you elsewhere?

I hope I don't sound judgmental as generating the right tone on Tisha B'Av is really a major challenge. But I hope to make it clear too that there are very good reasons for women's leadership -- certainly for women, perhaps for women and men both.

Again, if the less meaningful mourning was not because of men's leadership but was only the time of day, think of how sun is meant often as a symbol for men. Moon for women. And that's where I will go to find meaning.