Shiva Call

An interesting day.

Paid a shiva call today to an old friend who I don't think I've seen since before my wedding over four years ago! We have started to be in touch recently since I've come to New Jersey and discovered we both live in the same state now. This is pretty remarkable since the way that I found out is that the father of one of my students happens to have been best friends with this guy when they were kids. I knew him and he had a major religious influence on me when I was in high school and he was my rabbi.

Drove out over an hour to get there and got lost on the way. Took a turn off the road to get directions and a restroom. While studying a map and getting some very convoluted advice from the gas attendant I suddenly heard a smash like I've never heard before. Sure enough there was a really bad accident on the street right beside us. Thank G-d, it looks like no one was physically hurt, but the young woman who I think caused the accident was totally in shock and was panicking because she was afraid she's hurt the old man in the car. For a moment I thought she might have killed someone she was so upset. She was frantic and embarassed for feeling frantic at the same time. The gas attendants went to help the man and call the police. I stayed by the woman and held her hand and told her she was okay.

I always thought in that sort of situation I would know just what to do, but it wasn't so clear. As it was, the police arrived soon and there was really no reason for me to stick around.

This poor girl though, and I think she is a girl, like early 20's, was a mess, felt terribly guilty and of course is going to have terrible insurance for the rest of her life now in a state that already has bad prices for insurance. Her poor car too. A lovely shiny blue thing she'd named Jerry after Jerry Garcia was totally smashed.

So I went to the shiva and felt oddly happy to see them even though we were there to mourn my friends' father's death. But here I was seeing their kids for the first time since they've been... big kids. And his wife gave me a hug just like old days when I came in. The place was packed as I had arrived right after mincha. But eventually we got to talk. I asked questions about his family history and he asked how my family was doing too.

He also asked how I'm doing. He and one other person from my shul both did that this week in that very sincere voice that says they want to know the truth. And the truth is, I think I'm doing better than I realized. I've had a trying few weeks, but I think I know how to approach that particular problem now. As for everything else... I like my apartment, I love my husband, my whole family (THANK G-D!!) is basically well when just a few years ago we weren't, taking turns getting cancer and worrying about the future every day. Kayn Ahora, is that what I"m supposed to say to make sure I'm not setting myself up for something bad now that I'm showing my gratitude for everything that's going so well?

As always, on my way home, I worried afterwards about how I'd sounded, whether I was upbeat enough, whether I spoke enough, smiled enough etc. I just feel safer behind a keyboard or with children than in front of adults, even (or maybe especially) people I really like. I just need to accept this part of myself because it might not change. It would be nice if it did. I like people so much and these fears keep me away from them sometimes.

Eventually at least some of the worry drifted away when I finally found a good oldies station. There's nothing that great on the dial near where I live. But I was on the NJ Turnpike, not at home, and I heard some wonderful sounds I haven't heard in awhile.