And then it hit

I've been really missing my blog. I've been thinking about it regularly and today is the perfect day to write what I'm up to.

So here we've been in the pandemic now for over 2 years. The anxiety of wondering how things would go if it came to our family has been a lot. The shoe finally dropped for me in the form of my catching COVID. So far my family is perfectly fine, thankfully.

I won't go into all the details, but I do want to share where I'm holding today. Last week on Monday I was already feeling ill. I was certain it was allergies. I got a PCR Tuesday night which is when I tested positive. The remainder of the week was spent in bed with bad cold/flu symptoms. 

Over the weekend I started to really recover. U kicked me out of the house to take a walk when he saw me fidgeting. Sunday afternoon I continued to push myself. I did a few loads of laundry (which means using stairs a lot) and went for two walks, one short and one long. The shorter one winded me, but later the longer one (15 minutes) was great. 

By evening, though, I was short of breath and realized I might not make it to work Monday.

Sure enough... Monday was a fight to breathe. My doctor put me on steroid inhalers and, by afternoon when it still wasn't resolving, prednisone as well. 

The day felt like a giant panic. I was so frustrated with my inability to control the day for my students. The tightness in my chest led to natural panic too. All day my colleagues told me remotely to stop worrying, but I couldn't. My supervisor talked me down from worrying about the whole week and told me to take things one day at a time. 

Today's another story. I'm still needing to go slow, to respect both my lungs and the effects of the medicines, but I feel more ease about doing so. I'm starting to trust more to my colleagues and am most grateful for the ones who are actively communicating with me. 

(I'll make a note of that. Could be others would like the same from me when are situations are reversed. I'll try to ask in the future.)

This certainly brings up memories of when I had cancer, of when I've had to take care of myself differently, but I accept those memories fairly comfortably. It doesn't hold the same darkness or worry that it once did. 

I'm worried about tomorrow. I don't know how to judge when I'm ready to return and I don't know yet what my plans will be for my students (or what to just turn over to others), but I'm feeling more like maybe I can wait and see. 

Yes, I can take it one day at a time. Thanks to the person who told me to do that. And thanks to her too for letting my students call me and wish me better. 

Remission Anniversary #12

This is me during the Providence Bridge Pedal of 2003. I cried when I discovered I wasn't strong enough do the longer route that I wanted to take towards the Sellwood Bridge and had to remind myself how wonderful it was that I could do it at all. Both truths were real. I wasn't strong enough to make it to Sellwood AND I did the Providence Bridge Pedal even while undergoing chemo.

This first paragraph is what I will post on Facebook today:

Today marks my 12th year free from cancer. I celebrate today not only to be cancer-free, but also to have experienced cancer. I'm grateful that the lymphoma was eradicated from my body, but am also grateful for the deep teachings it brought me about my own strength and about surrender. While I no longer think daily of my status as a survivor, I do daily face the question of what I'm able to do and what my limitations are. Every day we are all given an infinite number of opportunities to be thankful and the choice to be compassionate towards ourselves. I think the gift of cancer has somehow helped me look at this a little more seriously than if I hadn't had it.

This second paragraph is just for the blog:

I write this now knowing that yesterday a colleague's mother died from the same disease. I was uncertain at first how to handle that. Should I celebrate in the way that I'd planned, bringing a platter of food to school to celebrate? Would doing so be callous, I celebrate life while someone else mourns? It reminds me of when I first learned that I would survive my cancer, but felt so sorry, and some guilt, that my sister-in-law, Denise, did not.

As I turn off the deliberate thinking and go deep with this, I realize that the deep spiritual work is just in holding all of this truths together. I lived.  Another died. There is suffering. There is beauty. There is.

11th Remission Anniversary

A very special one this has been so far.

I didn't know how to mark it really. Last year I sort of gave myself permission to stop finding enormous meaning in it. The chagim have just finished so I barely have had time to prepare in any way, and then I got this horrendous cold Friday night, right after Simchat Torah. I thought at first it was from all of the singing, but I was short of breath during some of the dancing in a way that meant more than just overexertion. ND and I were both up much of the night. As much as I rested through the weekend, I had fever Sunday night which is so odd for me! So I missed Monday and Tuesday of work.

Here's where this starts to turn. I spoke to my meditation teacher on Tuesday at 11:30 and as we spoke I went deep deep deep into my vulnerability again. I haven't touched this place much recently as I've been trying to be calmer about feeling illness. I remembered too that I often get sick at this time. I cried a lot. We had a very special conversation that I'm going to keep mostly to myself now.

But beautifully, when I got off the phone, I felt so much more energy! So good that today when I returned to work one of my other dearest friends said I just didn't look sick and said, "Your body always remembers, doesn't it? Now you know though that you can heal."

I got so much today. So many well-wishes, sometimes in the midst of little frustrations. To have someone sincerely wish me "from strength to strength" while I'm wrestling with a copy machine makes me zoom out in perspective rapidly and forcefully.

11 years I saw the ending of a renegade part of me -- a tumor -- tried to grow so fast that it could have killed me. I loved it out of existence (I know that sounds weird, but it was a part of me) and walked into life again. And here I am.

I don't feel fear or sadness or illness, guilt or shame today. Just love.

Game Changer

Well now, this is an interesting one…

I'm home sick today with a nasty cold. Runny nose, coughing deep in the bronchial tubes. The works.

As always I feel a little frustrated, pitiful, a little scared even maybe guilty. Maybe.

Check this out… this is my SECOND sick day I've taken since the start of the school year.

That's huge.

In the past I often was lucky to keep it to an average of one day per month.

This is due to a combination of things, I'm sure.

For one, I don't work Fridays, which means that sometimes when I'm not feeling well I just make it to Friday and then go slow.

Secondly, I don't have the same stress levels now that I'm not a classroom teacher.

Thirdly, I've been differentiating more between all-out-sick (like today) and just my fatigue spells that I still get quite regularly and I think probably will get for the rest of my life.

Fourth, because my job is not that of a classroom teacher, I can get through the a fatigue day whereas the thought of facing a classroom on a day like that was daunting.

Fifth, maybe I'm just taking better care of myself. Not that I wasn't before, but it's a constant focus. Maybe I'm growing in my ability to stay well.

I still laid in bed on Shabbat worrying about whether I had cancer again. I rehashed all the frightening memories that go with having my lung space compromised the way it is right now and was then before my diagnosis 11 years ago. Overall I know I just have a cold, that this is a normal cold that all people are susceptible to, and that I'll be back to normal when my body's had the time to rest…

...as it will today. Just as soon as I thank G-d and then get back into bed.

Further update

Had the appointment. Very short, I'm happy to say. When she said I don't have to come back I started crying. Wow. Didn't even know if was in there needing to come out.

Appointment of 10 years

My cancer is a decade in the past. I tend to wear the experience of it as a badge of wisdom. I also tend to think of myself as well aware of and in control of my feelings. But one step into my oncologists office for a 10 year check up and I'm stiff, short of breath and misunderstood several of the receptionist's directions. This isn't logical or practical. It's my body remembering fear regardless of whether there is actually a threat. It feels very real but I can handle it.

10 Years In Remission

10 years ago today I was in my oncologist's office.

"It all looks good," he says. "Chemo is over, the tumor has shrunk. We just have to do the radiation for good measure."

"That's good," I answered, but had a question. "When exactly do we start talking about me being 'in remission?'"

He stared at me blankly for a moment, taking in how little I knew about this and choosing to forgive my ignorance.

"Now," he said. "Arwen, that's now."

Pissed

In the past few months my own life has been great, but there is plenty else wrong.

In Hurricane Sandy, children's lives were washed away.

There was a brief but terrifying war in Israel.

On my daughter's birthday, a seventh grader in the school where I work died from cancer after several long years fighting it.

And now this unfathomable school shooting in CT.

It all makes my rabbi friend's fairly young death from pancreatic cancer in September seem like a walk in the park.

When you read a siddur, prayers are carefully written out in a gentle and awe-filled way as if afraid to step on G-d's toes.

I'm past that right now.

G-d... can you please just make the bad shit stop?

Making a Difference

Tonight I had some friends over to celebrate my 9 year remission anniversary. (That's one-fourth of my life that I've been a survivor.) Somehow I'm connecting it very strongly to the loss of my mentor, Michael this year and I spoke about him to my friends.

Throughout the night we talked about many things and it kept coming up again and again, the idea of people who had made a difference in our lives, often by a single interaction among many. I keep feeling like the work I want to do in healing the world will not happen through teaching. But maybe I've been wrong. Two of the friends there tonight are my friends because I taught their daughters and made a difference to them directly. I've sometimes been thinking I want to get out of the school environment because it is so intense, rushed and stressful in many ways, but maybe I'm needed there to help kids navigate it. Also, I care more about emotional landscape and survival than I do about teaching reading and writing. But maybe that's the very reason I need to continue.

I've just been published at the PLP network where I wrote about my childhood and compared it to contemporary suburban NJ childhoods. Maybe taking the question and knowledge I have of my ideal world, and taking it with me when I enter the world in front of me, can provide some small amount of respite or change or possibility to the children who enter the room to work with me each day. And maybe writing about this reflection can make a difference to others further away.

Maybe I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and don't need to worry about it so much.

50/50

Just watched 50/50. Been wanting to see this for awhile but a little nervous too. Some parts really hit home... his age, some of the day to day issues. The rest I just enjoyed for what it was. Loved the friend. Ethically not okay with the final date in the movie, but I won't say more and risk giving anything away.

What The Body Remembers: A Purim Blog Post

I'm currently reading Love's Executioner. It's a collection of essays by a psychotherapist discussing various patients he had and what he learned from them. In one he treats a women who is terribly obese. A really fascinating feature of her treatment is that as she begins to lose weight, she re-experiences traumas that she never fully dealt with when she was that weight previously.

So it's Purim now. There has been some interesting development in my inner and outer worlds in the past few weeks. For one, I learned just over a month ago that an old friend of mine has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. There is no cure and he does not expect to live more than a year or so. This has been in the back of my mind and upsetting me. Then I had the opportunity last week to go visit him in PA and take part in a recording he was making of some songs that friends and family requested him to leave behind.

Now, stepping back a moment. About three weeks ago I had a day when I felt dizzy and as though my temperature kept changing although I didn't actually have a fever. I took the next day off, feeling fatigued but never quite sure if I was actually sick or not. Since then my energy level moved quietly up and down, never quite right, with some pressure in my sinuses, some sore neck muscles and a lot of headaches.

Wouldn't you know, Friday night before my planned trip to PA I suddenly discover my throat is massively swollen on one side. Saturday night I get a positive strep test. I go on antibiotics. I visit my friend anyway. I expect to feel better through the week.

Monday and Tuesday I felt fine... just a little nauseous from the antibiotics. Wednesday morning I get up early to prepare for the Fast of Esther by eating before 5:07 and I feel totally exhausted. I drag myself to school anyway and realize that I will pass out if I don't eat something and I break the fast before school even starts at 8:15.

By Purim night I have a full-blown cold on top of the strep throat. Nose running like mad, scratchy throat, and meanwhile I'm running the women's megillah reading.

So that's my status.

Now what is it my body is remembering?

In 2003 I had a respiratory illness that just wouldn't get better and wouldn't get better. On Purim day I sat in a chair at home, too weak to go to the Purim seudah at shul and U. brought me home a plate. About a month later I would receive my cancer diagnosis.

That year, before the diagnosis, was a very challenging year for me teaching. This year is too. I connected my illness in part to that even though I realize medically it doesn't make sense. This year I found myself beginning the school year with intense memories of my year with cancer. Somehow my psyche is really intensely there this year, thinking more of my body and of life and death, almost as an escape from my daily challenges.

Am I afraid the cancer is back? No... at least not much. I think this cold will pass and the antibiotics will finish and I'll be back to normal in about a week. But how steeped I seem to be in memory right now.

How interesting it will be someday to feel at peak health and to be able to actually complete the fast of Esther... one of these years. I don't want to forget my past at all. But I'd like to remember it in my mind and heart only, without needing to engage my whole body in the memory.

Life Wish Installment Number 3: Health

As promised in my post Winter Vacation!, here is my 3 Life Wish Installment... one in which I'm already making huge strides... health.

Anyone who has known me or followed my blog for some time knows that health is a big issue for me... or has certainly been a worry. Not so much because of my history with cancer directly... I don't consciously worry much about big things happening to me. However, when I catch a cold, I get anxious and upset and even blame myself for it happening. And in previous years it really seemed to happen quite a lot! Sometimes I felt sick every week. I've done a lot to look into it... visited doctors, taken tons of supplements, read websites about scary diseases, charted every runny nose and when during the week or month I received it etc.

Thank G-d, this is the first year in which I think I'm actually making significant progress. I am much more aware of my body, taking more active steps to help it and the result is I get through more weeks feeling better than before.

So if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share what's gotten me there.

To begin, I've had an attitude shift. In the past I think if I felt healthy I tried really hard to conquer the world and pushed my body to the limit. I still feel that tendency, but now realize I need to practice moderation in my energy levels more carefully. Instead of seeing myself as being well or unwell, I realize how delicate my body really is and how much attention it needs at all times to remain healthy. Before, too, I often thought I was getting sick near the end of the week. Now I know that that is energy depletion and that I have to stop and rest as soon as possible at that time if I want to prevent anything coming.

1. I try to sleep enough. I read a book recommended to me years ago called Sleep Thieves. This book scared the be-jeebees out of me by talking about the terrible habits we have entered into as a society, ridiculing sleep, and how many accidents and fatalities are the result. Around the time I was reading it, I was starting to worry too about my memory. I would have terrible trouble with word recall, especially by the afternoon and was losing things all the time. I thought I was getting enough sleep... between 6 1/2 to 7 1/2 hours probably, skimping extra near the end of the week when I just had to push hard to get to the weekend. After reading this book I finally learned that are bodies actually want 9 hours and should be able to get by on 8. Sounds like an indulgence, but I tried it and am kinder, more present, more relaxed, more efficient and less forgetful than before... not to mention healthier. Does this mean I get 9 hours of sleep each night? Definitely not. But I try really hard to get closer to it. For sure I try to get to bed quite early (even giving up time to talk to my husband at all!) one or two nights in the beginning of the week and really go for a marathon sleep night. More importantly, I try to be really conscious of remembering what my body needs. A lot of time I get that little burst of energy or "second wind" right around 8. I want to badly to stay up late then! But as an early riser (5 AM), I need to be mindful of what's happening and remind myself gently to wind down anyway. It helps that U. knows how important this is and reminds me.

2. I've sort of given up sugar... sort of. At Simchat Torah we stayed with some wonderful friends, but friends who really enjoy treats and I ate a LOT of sugar. I also met a person I had known via internet for awhile, but never in person and we spoke about her growth with health. One of her big steps was giving up sugar. Now I'm not deluding myself... there is sugar in all kinds of things, including fruit. But I tried to give up refined sugar where it was not necessary... no cookies, cakes, candies, pastries sitting in the teacher's room. No cereals with sugar in the label (except I haven't had the nerve to look at regular Cheerios to see if they have it). When I bake, I use alternatives, including honey. Admittedly, I'm confused about honey now based on what's in the link I posted above, but I've already read a lot about the positive properties of honey too, so I'm not going to worry about that too much.

I've known for a long time that sugar and immunity opposed each other. I can feel myself craving sugar (and salts, actually) when I'm coming down with something, and I sometimes feel (real or imagined) scratchy throatedness immediately after having something. But stopping it completely was informative. I made it through with no cheating from Simchat Torah, but blew it when I saw suganyot (donuts) on Channukah. I ate one and it didn't taste that good to me.

I've cheated other times now too, especially if extraordinary baker friends make something, but I'm way more conscious of this now and only have sugar after a long hard thought. We'll see where this goes in the future, but I think it makes a big difference.

3. Now for my regular routine... below is some more of my day.

When I get up in the morning (between 5 and 5:30) I do a nasal rinse. Neti pots work, but I'm happy with SinuFlo. Do this again at night.

Then I give myself a sesame oil massage. I first hard about sesame oil from this person I met who gave up the sugar, but we didn't talk about it much. She just talked about using it on her body to help protect herself from illness. I read online about massage, and then took it further after reading The Healer Within, a book I ran across in the library while looking, in desperation, for books about using diet to help me with immunity. He does not talk about sesame oil, but does tell how to use massage first with ears, hands and feet as well as the rest of the body. Sometimes I just spend 2-3 minutes massaging. Other times maybe 10 minutes. I know I could go longer.

Next I spend a few minutes doing things I need to like feeding my cat, getting bags ready for school etc., and then it's time to exercise. If I'm feeling great, I go on the exercise bike. I'd love to go for a half hour but usually it's more like 10-15 minutes, and stretch afterward. If I prefer, or it's not a weekday, or I'm targeting something in particular, I do yoga. I have been doing yoga for many years and so I have plenty of ways to build my own routine, but I also subscribe to www.myyogaonline.com, a wonderful site started by someone I know in Vancouver, B.C. I pay for it, but it's vastly worth it. A year's membership costs less than buying some classes, and there's a wealth of information that I use very regularly. If I'm really short on time, I go for short exercises that might help my chi. For example, here's a very short video from a friend of mine I met while traveling in Ireland years ago. She has since become a massage therapist and Chinese Medicine practitioner. (Hooray, Facebook for helping me find her again!)

After that, I shower, daven, wake up ND, eat, and off we run, trying to get her dropped off at her school and me to my school by 8 AM. (I'm usually a few minutes late.)

I get very very very wrapped up in my work and find myself running frequently. Throughout the day I try to be very mindful of my energy levels and my breath. I try to notice when I'm "spinning" into overdrive, and consciously breathe. I do this with my students too. I even schedule it into the day during something I call MTM (Moments That Matter). MTM is used for other important things too like recognizing birthdays or calling peers who are home sick. I could write more about that another time as it's something I've been trying to develop.

Then, at the end of the day, ND is actually my salvation. Besides being a joy, she requires attention, and that has taught me I can't reasonably multitask. I have to put my work aside when I leave the school, at least until U. is available to relieve me for a few minutes (usually between dinner and bedtime, or during bedtime if it's 'his night.') By then I know I need to relax, that that is an essential piece of my health and preparation for the next day.

Except for sugar, I haven't mentioned food here... I guess I try to eat a whole lot of greens more than anything else! See food posts for more about that.

Supplements: regular multi-vitamins, but also fish oil and coq10. When I'm feeling yucky I have on hand Vitamin D, Vitamin C, Oscillo and Oil of Oregano and Get Wellness tea. My using these is not always scientific, but I've read a lot about some of them, and little about others, and I feel better in the long run.

It could be that only one of these things is what I needed... sleep by far is number 1. By the others don't hurt and don't cost much either. That tea's a little spendy, I guess, but I drink some kind of tea all the time anyway, and that stuff tastes good!

7 Years

7 years ago I had the privilege of spending 9 months completely engrossed in my own healing.

I spent the year well,writing, resting, walking, talking, sitting in silence and learning meditation.

It was a life changing year, but not one I'd like to repeat. On my best days I felt physically fine but was constantly conscious of how Cancer Patient I looked with all my hair gone and anxious about how best to convince the world I was fine-fine-just fine-angelic-look-at-how-we'll-she's-taking-all-of-this-fine or enjoyed the steroid-induced insomnia that gave me very exciting and lucid nights. (Wrote a whole story from start to finish on one of those nights.)

On my worst days I was fatigued, nauseous and high on extreme doses of prednisone that sent me through an emotional roller coaster similar to someone on speed. Sometimes I even hallucinated. A few times I went for walks and actually timed myself taking 20-30 minutes just to get up one neighborhood block and back again. In the hours right after a chemo I could not walk at all without support and had to be taken out of the hospital in a wheelchair.

During all of this I had to give up teaching. There was no way that my body was up to the strain of teaching and my immunity would be so low post-chemo that it wouldn't have been safe for me to even enter the school.

Ironically, this was good for my mental health in general, as my diagnosis came during a particularly challenging year, only my second year into the profession. It was a year of fear and failure and hopelessness at how little I could do for kids with severe problems in their family lives. I would have been limited in any circumstances, but especially as such an inexperienced teacher, my ineffectiveness felt devastating.

Early in my illness a friend insisted on doing some energy healing work with me. She waved her hands over my body and stopped at my chest. "Is there were the cancer is?" she asked. "Are you a perfectionist?" I keep meaning to call her to explain that to me... how the location of my illness helped her know that perfectionism was part of the picture. Not the cause necessarily, but somehow feeding into my illness.

As I entered deeper into the year and into the process of healing I learned a great deal about meditation and my own strength. I learned about when to fight and wise ways to surrender and became more perceptive about myself and about others.

It's 7 years later now. I look at who I become and see how I've changed or evolved or become more like whatever I already was. It's hard to say what about who I am now came from cancer, but I'd like to talk about some pieces, not all of them good.

-I get scared sometimes. There's a clip on the Simpsons when Homer receives advice that one step towards success is living each day as if it is your last. In the very next scene we see him sobbing on the ground saying, "I'm going to die tomorrow!!!!" I'm a little bit like that sometimes.

-To compensate, I try to do everything now. I want to parent and teach as many children as I can and write and play music and bike and guess what... it's not possible to do all this with any normal level of sanity or health. I spoke to an elderly lady once who said, "You'll have plenty of time for all that later. You have no idea how much time," to which I responded, "You're right. I have no idea how much time."

-So unfortunately, I continue to be perfectionist in certain areas of my life. If something doesn't get done now, I feel impatient.

ON THE OTHER HAND...

-All that time meditating and learning about living moment to moment taught me a lot about how important it is to back up and be part of the Oneness of the world. In my left-brained mind I try to get all this stuff done in a finite lifetime. But when I go into my right-brain, eternity is right now. Whatever my goals are, are being achieved at this very moment. Nothing is before now and nothing is after. This process of going inside myself and opening is one that I would describe as continually healing.

In the parsha this week, Avraham is healing from receiving a bris, but then jumps up to run and greet guests, despite the physical pain it obviously causes.

I used to really hate when people talked about that passage because it sounded like Avraham was a poster child for unhealthy overachievement.

I have a different take now.

Avraham knew his purpose in life was to reach out to others. And he couldn't stand to be stopped from achieving his purpose. He needed to be needed in order to help him heal. In fact, the thing he was healing from was a bris. The role of the bris is to seal a covenant with Hashem, to say "I am hear to work with You." With that in mind, I think that Healing and Purpose go together. You can't completely heal without purpose in your life, and the act of finding and carrying out your purpose requires constantly stepping back and healing.

During the time that I was healing, I enjoyed concentrating on myself, I enjoyed meditating. I needed it. But it got boring. Really really really boring. I needed some purpose in my life beyond myself.

A friend hired me to tutor her daughter and I began to look forward so much to that one hour each week.

Many people have a hard time finding their purpose in life. I'm so fortunate that my work as a teacher and my Purpose are in sync.

I just also know that for my work to continue to be meaningful, I have to have healing time for myself as well. I need to simply Be in Now sometimes -- not out of fear of how few days we have, but out of celebration of what is right in front of us every moment.

May I have the opportunity to do exactly what I'm doing now, and later, perhaps, to help others to learn how to heal more daily. Please G-d may I do this for another 70 years. But assuming that's too much to ask, may enough moments of my life be so filled with Presence that they feel to me like islands of eternity.

Portland Bike Ride

Around this time 6 years ago, while I was in the midst of cancer treatment, I went on the Providence Bridge Pedal bike ride with my dad. There were multiple routes available and I remember crying when I ran out of steam and could only manage the 18.5 mile route. (The mileage is actually listed in a poem I included in my just-published book, which is how I remember it.)

Yesterday Dad and I went out again and I wanted to beat that 18.5, but perfectly healthy as I am now, I was still plenty exhausted after just 17 miles. We started at my parents' house in SW, went down SW Taylor's Ferry, crossed the Sellwood Bridge, biked North up to the train bridge, and looped around again.

Along the way we squeezed in a great little trip to the Saturday Market (on a Sunday) and bought lots of homemade stuff.

Ironically, I've forgotten that exercising to the point of exhaustion is sometimes a contributor to insomnia for me which is why I'm up too early.

Here's a picture of the train bridge as it let a sailboat through an my dad fixed a tire. Hello, Willamette!:

I'm 5

Last week was my 5 year post-cancer anniversary.

Over the weekend I had a few very close friends over, one from out of town, and I talked deeply about my memories from being sick.

It's amazing to me how there are some things I'm still working through, and other things that have shifted, and yet other things that just look different now in retrospect. Retelling my story is like rereading one and finding new clues in it. I feel like I'm uncovering my past to help me look into my future and into myself.

So let's see... that's 2 years that I've retold my story, one year that I did ice cream, one year that I intended to do both but it didn't work out for various reasons, and one year where I tried to be an activist on my remission day.

This year I just needed to go inward, and I want to honor that I may do that again in the future. Maybe not every year, but sometimes.

I can't possibly express just how light and free and joyful I felt the afternoon after we did this. Like a miner or archaeologist, I like to dig deep to find the really good gold.

But the best part is bringing the gold out from below and let it quietly sit in the sun.

Post-Rosh Hashanah

I had a fabulous Rosh Hashanah, better than expected. I'm going to keep most of the details to myself.

But... I'll just quickly say that the childcare situation where I was davening really wasn't good. So all the time either U. was watching ND outside the davening space (an auditorium in a hospital) or I had here with me while I was davening inside. She was absolutely amazing, especially the second day, and we didn't need to take breaks outside at all for what I think might have been a full hour or two. I really don't know how long.

So when the final shofar blasts were blown ("Ofar, Mommy. Ofar!") we went up to the front of the room with many of the other children. Sitting there in a wheelchair was the mother of a friend of mine. This woman had a stroke a few years ago and has great difficulty speaking. I often want to reach out to her but I often get nervous because I can't understand what she's saying to me.

When she saw ND walk pass, the woman reached her shaking hand out to her. Usually ND shies away a little, but somehow she got it this time and held the woman's hand. I held ND's other hand and put my hand on the woman's back and was totally overcome with emotion as we held our little circle and the shofar blew.

Transcending words.

I wasn't expecting much from the holiday because of my issues with living in such a materialistic place and a shul that's often not so spiritual, but my heart opened anyway with all the effort I had put into preparing both for Rosh Hashanah itself and trying to feel more understanding towards others.

So I felt genuinely uplifted.

Now this morning, I'm sick. Sick sick sick with a runny nose and sore throat that started up on the last afternoon of the holiday. I hate it. This is the 3rd time I've had a cold since school started less than a month ago! I manage to heal much faster than I used to, sometimes in a day, but this brings up a lot of emotion for me. Part of this is that I came out with some friends the other day as a cancer survivor and we talked a bit about life and death at their Rosh Hashanah table. So now I feel afraid and humble and a little hopeless that I can't seem to maintain my good health for long periods of time, however fabulous I feel during my healthy days.

Did some restorative yoga this morning from Myyogaonline and, within that quiet space, found a reason to be sick. These are the days of awe, and feeling this fear and weakness fills me with awe and a sense of mortality. Thank G-d, I know this will pass, maybe even in just a day or so, but I'm more willing to bear it if I see it as a message.

Remission Results

Well, yesterday was my remission anniversary. Naturally I'm home today with a cold and with worried memories of what it means to have a weak immune system. That's the "ongoing life" side of things.

However, we did do our event on Monday. (Click above on "remission day" to see what I'm talking about.)

The cases of products that I mentioned were bought were shipped directly to those people who purchased them. At shul we sold:

4 bottles of glass cleaner
7 bottles of all-purpose cleaner
18 bottles of laundry detergent

That's really not bad, I have to say. I'm a little disappointed that no one really dropped off their "hazardous" cleaning materials. (See our Mr. Yuk box in the photo above.) Well, not no one. My partner in this venture and I both did. And I did really feel a powerful surge of mother instinct as I took that bleach and Comet away from this home in which U and I are raising our daughter. It's just frightening to know how little control I have over all of those products at her daycare, schools etc. for years to come. Once we get recycling established in the school in which I work, I'll go after that dragon for the sake of the families who attend there.

Missed Blog Action Day

I was hoping to do a green post for Blog Action Day. Sadly, I missed it. ND is sick and I was having trouble juggling her and my own needs and work etc. Also, I thought it was for the 16th... whatever.

So I'll make up for it here.

We're coming up to my remission day and I have not yet announced the plan for this year.

So last year I wrote about my friend D who is also a cancer survivor. He and I are both very active with our shul's green committee, and he also works with getting green cleaning supplies to hospitals as his day job.

This year, several months ago, I proposed we do something that would give back to the community. In other words... not just a cake this time.

So over the next few months we put together an idea. I have to give him the bulk of the credit because he just had the resources, the brains, the initiative and the bravery to put a lot of it together. The text below should explain it thoroughly. It's been edited to protect the rules of anonymity that I maintain on here, however arbitrary:

October is a special month.

On October 19th, 1995 and October 22nd, 2003, we, DM and AK, were each respectively declared to be in remission from cancer.

To celebrate our second chance at good health and life, we’ve decided to give back to the community and invite you to be a part of it.

Studies have shown that a major cause of disease is exposure to toxic chemicals in our everyday lives. Both of our diagnoses were very likely caused by exposures to chemicals, including those in our homes. We want to help you reduce your family’s exposure by replacing your household cleaning chemicals with healthy and effective alternatives.

On October 21st, from 8:30 AM (following minyan) until 12 noon, our shul will host a drop-off of your cleaning chemicals. Bring your old cleaning products to be disposed of safely. At that time, you will be able to purchase Greening the Cleaning® products...

So far we've had an incredible response. Some people are touched by what we're doing. Some others have pre-ordered CASES of the products we're selling. Most exciting to me is what I heard about one family in the community. The woman's father recently died of cancer and she lost her mother to cancer many years ago as well. As I understand it, they're family is really going to try to purge the yucky stuff from their house as we ask.

I'm recently struck by how many cancer fundraisers there are, but am curious how much of that money or education goes towards prevention. I think most of the time anything raised goes towards early detection or treatment, but how much are companies -- cosmetic, cleaning or otherwise -- willing to spend to ensure their products are safe for people or the environment? I've come to a point where I simply trust very few companies to consider my health (or the health of those I love) to be a true long-term priority.

Making The Most Of Time

Over the past few days I noticed myself getting stressed. Not exactly sure about what. I guess I just like using my time well. I was first struggling with how to justify not working. I keep saying there is no excuse for being bored. If I'm bored, that means I need to spend more time on writing.

But that's not always easy. Not just because of writer's block. (See picture above.) But because I'm enjoying relaxing and just being with my daughter. And writing, while something I love, is a lot of work.

In trying to make the most of my summer I set too many writing goals. I'm constantly switching between projects and I don't know that I'm doing great work. I can't do it unless ND's asleep either way, and during that time it's sometimes nice to do other things.

BUT I made a commitment to spend every day (except Friday and Saturday) working on something towards my writing career. Yesterday that meant some internet surfing for publications that might take some older work of mine. Even though I want to settle into just enjoying and relaxing, I think I should be able to hold firm with that commitment.

On another note, still related to writing... apparently a famous person read my last article. Bernie Siegel, MD on it. He said:

we all have scars and wounds
Wear a bandage over your eye and everyone will talk to you about their problems because you now have a visible wound. I shaved my head in 1978 when long hair was in for men and everyone lined up to tell me their troubles because they knew i wasn't all there. Thornton Wilder said it very well in one of his stories when an angel refuses to heal a doctor he explains to the doctor, "Without your wound where would your power be. It is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men. The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In love's service only the wounded soldier can serve. Draw back!" On the way home the doctor realizes from his patients' reaction to him how valuable and therapeutic his wounds are. There are natives and tourists.

***

My immediate reaction to that was that a number of weeks or months before I became ill, I said to a friend of mine that I wanted to be a healer. But I said, too, that I didn't think you could be a healer if you hadn't been sick. G-d answered my prayer and headed me on the path towards needing healing in order to heal.

I don't feel much like I'm a healer yet though. I reflect in the blog often of how I feel bad every time I want to tell my story so badly. I think the reason I feel bad is that it comes up for me at times when I should listen, not talk. But still, could it be that the way I'll heal is more through things like my meditation class? What about in other ways? Sometimes people say that I inspire them, but I find myself really doubting the likelihood of that.

On the other hand, when I think of who in my life has inspired me... I guess they've done it just in being who they are. Am I being who I am in a real and strong enough way to help people better their own lives?

31

Yes, another number post. Last night I turned 31 at 11:29 PM Pacific Time. Since I'm on the east coast, I actually turned 31 today so I'm claiming the entire weekend as my birthday.

My best physical present:

- A turquiose necklace from U.

My non-physical well-timed presents:

- The end of the school year. I have so many projects I can't wait to start (and hopefully finish).

- Yesterday ND was trying so hard to talk and sounded a LOT like she was repeatedly saying, "I love you." We experimented with her, giving her other words to try, but she wanted the multi-syllabled. And adding on, she just almost got out "dad" not "mom" but we're having fun with her. Plus, I learned a new way to get her to giggle. It employs the fine art of tickling.

- Hopefully the three of us are going today to Sunnyside although I'm a little nervous for ND. She has a nasty cold now. We were both up most of the night. She was in bed with me, but was always either nursing or screaming with little variation. (She's in a good mood now, thankfully.) I guess if she sleeps in the car we're ok.

- I have another article out today... number 4. Letting My Hair Grow Again. I can't help but reflect how excited I always get to see a new article in print, and then how scared and embarassed I feel. I know that with time it will pass. I am proud of this one because it's one of the fastest I've written. It often takes me months, even years, to finish a piece. I let my work lie fallow for long stretches and revise too often. This one I turned around in less than a month. My only actual regret is that the end makes it sound like my cancer history does not still haunt me. It does, just very differently. Maybe that's just inspiration for another article -- one of my many summer projects.