Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur begins tomorrow night and I'm actually quite excited about it. As a child I never would have thought that possible, but it really is one of the most important days of the whole year, but this year I think it will be extra special.

Here's why...

As you probably know, Yom Kippur is known as the "Day Of Atonement" shortly after the Jewish new year begins. It's a day for self-reflection, asking forgiveness and of massive prayer to G-d.

It's also a day for fasting from sundown until an hour after sundown the next day -- no food, no water. It's meant to help us come out of our physical selves and just relate to G-d on a spiritual level.

My midwife gave me the ok to fast even though I've only 2 months (almost exactly) until my due date. She described to me what it feels like to have a contraction and said that if I experience contractions I should lie down. If they continue, then I should consider breaking the fast either according to Jewish law (an ounce of liquid every 5-9 minutes, I think) or just outright break the fast (pregnant and nursing women of course can if they must). She is also Jewish but said she'll answer the phone if I call in an emergency.

I'd really like to keep the fast, and some people say that if you have the choice between going to shul and fasting, you should fast. I also don't want to be in a position where I'm at shul, need to go rest, and then have to climb the 4 flights to my apartment. (I'm not willing to use the elevator on a holiday except in an emergency, and I don't have the desire to set myself up for the possibility of an emergency.)

So I'm doing Yom Kippur in a completely different way than I ever have before and probably different than I will be able to ever again. I set up a schedule for myself of the regular Yom Kippur prayers alternating with specific meditations that I've chosen for the day. Instead of sitting and standing in shul and being led into the prayers, I'm going to lead myself alone and without conversation with anyone else.

I checked in with my meditation teacher back home to see if she had any suggestions. What I interepreted from what she said is that I should not work too hard and dealing with specific thoughts, but should open myself up to whatever comes from my efforts. I also checked in with my rabbi to see if I was covering all the right ground with the prayers I should and should not say alone. He said he's a little envious of what I'm doing.

Why haven't I done this before? Because it IS a communal holiday, and one of my biggest struggles in life is in being more accepting of my community.

Why is it unlikely I'll do this again? Because even if I'm home again next year, I'll be busy - please G-d - caring for someone else.

One final thought. I plan to come out again for neilah, the final climax of the holiday, essentially because I can go downstairs to go to it and by the time I need to go upstairs again the holiday will be over, I can eat and take the elevator. But also because it's such a powerful part of the day. I'm a little anxious about going from silent time alone into that environment of so many people who surely wouldn't understand what I'm doing with all this meditation, and I won't do it if it feels too strange. But I realize U. will be coming home to rest at some point in the afternoon during the break. We've already agreed that he won't talk to me unless I initiate, but I realize that if I'm going to go from solitude and silence into community again, it would be good to have that one step of transition in between of just speaking to my husband.