In Time For ND's birthday

I'd love to write about the actual details of her birthday when I get some time, but meanwhile, here's a link to an article of mine that was published today. The website belongs to a doula friend of mine who asked if I could contribute an article with reflections on ND's birth. I didn't mean to finish the process with her right on this date, but I guess birth is on my mind near the birthday!

Yay Yom Tov And A Ten-Month Old Baby

It was a nice last three-day Yom Tov. I almost can't believe that tomorrow is a regular day again. After havdalah I checked my email and found a detailed one from my assistant. It was all good stuff, but I felt myself tense up about the transition back into work. I acknowledged the tension, took a step back, let myself process, and now I feel better. In the past I might have just gotten very very grumpty. Good processing, Evenewra!

Some highlights over the past three days.

1. ND may very well have taken her first steps today on her ten month birthday. In the past two or three days she's been working really hard at standing as long as she can unsupported. It's so cute to see her "climb" up something, steady herself, and then throw her arms up to balance for as long as she can. Today U. was lying on the floor and acting as a baby gate for her play area. She steadied herself against his knee, let go, and then side stepped several times. I couldn't see if she was leaning against him somehow as she did it. She looked completely unsupported to me.

2. She was also HYSTERICAL to watch last night. She had so much fun on Simchat Torah with all the dancing and singing that she didn't want to nap very much and was totally wired by evening. She was crawling all over the apartment as fast as she could (and faster than we, the exhausted parents, could keep up). At one point she sat in the middle of the living room floor and started jumping and spinning herself around as fast she could while yelling her head off. It's hard to describe exactly what it looked like. It's as though she's trying to stand up from sitting cross-legged on the ground, but of course she can't. So she just kind of wobbles around into a new position like she's filled with heavily-charged batteries. If she were on a mattress, she would be jumping up and down on it. I finally got down on the floor and imitated her and she laughed her head off. Eventually it was all too much and I swooped her up, put her to my breast and held her very tightly to slow her down. She relaxed and fell asleep very fast. I was proud that I could read her signs and take control.

3. Yesterday I said to U. "I like Simchat Torah."

"You didn't use to feel that way," he said. And he was right. (See the link to understand why.)

But this year was very different. It just gets better and better. To begin, I got to leyn Torah again. How it works is that a bunch of women, from other shuls as well as ours, go to the house of a woman who lives behind our shul. Those who asked in advance to leyn Torah get a chance to do one aliyah from Vezos Habrachah. And all the women and girls bat mitvah age and up who want an aliyah can have one. (It's done according to our Rabbi's direction with only the appropriate brachot for that situation.)

As a result, because so many women want to leyn, and so many want to have an aliyah, that we cycle through again and again. I got to read hamishi, and I was the third of three to do it. I read it twice. Do the math. That means over 30 women and girls had aliyot.

I've discovered that there are very different styles for leyning. As I listened to the two women who read my aliyah ahead of me, I got scared that I was going to do it wrong. And the truth is, I'm not sure how terribly well I did it. (As a matter of fact, I discovered after the first reading that I made a subtle error that no one corrected, and I messed up the trope on the second reading.) I really had to talk myself through it saying, "I'm good at a lot of things, but not at everything. This is not something I do often and certainly not something I spend a great deal of time on. It is not necessary to do it perfectly or the same as other people." It was scary. Good scary. The kind that reminds you that G-d made all of us human and that none of us has the right to try to be perfect. The kind that helps you accept other people too for not being exactly the way you (or I) want them to be. It was the kind of scary that is necessary to build real community.

4. The night before when we did Hakafot, we, as always, got to have a Torah on the women's side. There are many shuls that don't go for this, but ours does and that's all I want to say about that. I didn't get to hold the Torah last year because I was seven months pregnant. But this year I shifted the Ergo Baby Carrier to my back and took the Torah on my front. I danced in the middle of a circle. Several people commented on how cool it looked.

"Isn't this the way it should be?" I asked in return.

I feel proud of where I am in my observance and in where I'm headed with Torah study right now. I'd like to think I respect, appreciate and even love the Torah as much as any other person in that room, and I want to hand that love down to my daughter. Even the fact that she was so happy the night after Simchat Torah before she's even a year old seems to me proof that we're on the right track.

5. One final image to secure that last point. During the women's Torah reading, ND got hungry. We were in an all-women setting, and since there was limited space in the room, I was sitting on the floor with her in the back behind a bunch of others. So I nursed her. One friend of mine saw and smiled very broadly. It was nice to have a witness to my filling ND with nourishment and love just as the Torah experience was doing for everyone of us there.

Vanity

Forgive this entry after writing what I hope was a more meaningful one last night... and especially because I usually don't care much about this sort of thing, but...

Today we're going on a field trip to a matzvah factory, and I have a denim skirt with many pockets that I like wearing on field trips. Today I FIT INTO IT AGAIN for the first time since pregnancy.

And after eating so much Purim junk food!

Postpartum Care

I'm currently reading Natural Health After Birth. It's a great book, discussing feelings and experiences that I thought were only mine. But now, I must say, the book also makes me feel sad and resentful.

During the pregnancy I had to search high and low for information, especially Jewish information, about Jewish or otherwise spiritual customs around pregnancy. It was hard to find and most of the people I know her could not be good resources.

Now I'm experiencing the same as I learn about what is available in other cultures and times for women postpartum.

In this country, at this time, it's all about getting back on your feet and back to work quickly. It's about receiving gifts to welcome the baby and it's about seeing if you can get family or friends to stay with you for a little while and hold the baby while you do other chores. (Or sometimes they do the chores while you hold the baby.) All of that is really good, and it's what I've been able to gratefully receive.

But there are rituals and standards that others have done that I knew NOTHING about. There's a lot about numerous countries keeping women really warm to help them heal. Had I known this right away, I might not be having some of the slight medical problems I'm having now. They could have been avoided.

There's postpartum massage. Do I really want to have to pay $90 to get one? Why don't we live in a culture in which it's just part of what postpartum women receive?

What about the herbs this book tells me about? Again, I have a few problems I need help with, but even if I knew how to leave the apartment with ND long enough to get what I needed, where would I go?

And rest... I keep pushing myself to do more. It's in my personality, but I wish there was a community of women who were authoritatively telling me to stop and that my body needs rest even if I can't feel it. I'm not trying to be a Superwoman, but I keep telling myself I need to do more and I wish someone would disagree.

There was a certain point, around Sukkot, during the pregnancy when I just utterly burned out of reading about pregnancy and birth, but I have to say that I wish I'd read this book before the birth. I would have set up some more things for myself. I'd like to think that by not having that I might be able to somehow be motivated to help others get more significant postpartum care. I just am not as comfortable with nurturing adults as I am with kids.

Birth Story: Part II - It Happens

(In case you're keeping track, the following entry was written in many stages.)

ND is sitting with her Savta (grandmother) right now, so I have a few minutes to write. Hmmmm... where shall I start? I believe I shall tell my story in abridged form as the handwritten and very personal description of it in my personal journal took up many many pages.

As a reminder, ND was born on Wednesday, Dec. 6. The Monday before that at about 7 PM I first began to feel light contractions. It was the first time I felt a sensation of something starting and stopping instead of just feeling a constant crampy feeling. However, since I'd had one false alarm after another, I didn't know what to think. In fact, by 12:30 on Tuesday I still didn't know. That was the time for my pre-scheduled ultrasound to see if my baby was still safe in the womb past my due date. (That's when my picture was taken in my "Cast of Characters" entry.) When I saw my midwife afterwards, she said I could give birth that night, or I could in a week. As we talked I paused now and then and asked her to wait as another contraction came and went. But the litmus test for a strong contraction is apparently being unable to speak through it. At that point, I still didn't know what that meant, so these were not terribly serious.

On my way home I even ran an errand and found myself getting really angry at the person who was helping me, a good sign it was time to seclude myself at home.

Once home, I called U. and asked him to start working towards coming home. I let him know there was nothing really to worry about, but that it would probably be nice to have him here. This reminded both of us of the following flashback.

By the time he got home around 5 I was in bed and sort of panting between contractions which were increasing. I still felt pretty calm. Excited maybe. I'm not sure in retrospect. We called J., my doula (a birth coach), who also sounded calm. She said she'd come by just to check me out and see where things were progressing.

When she arrived a little after 6 I had started moaning with the contractions. She sat with me a moment and instantly I started to cry. When she asked why I said it was because I finally had someone to help me do it. It was just such a relief to have a coach there with me who could talk me through the process and who had experience. I really don't know how people do this without doulas.

As I said, her plan had been just to check me out and then head home for awhile. But I must have been further along than she expected because she changed her mind and said she'd run out for dinner and to tuck her kids in, then would be back.

I'm able to keep track of the timing of this part of the story because, oddly enough, while she was gone, I watched The Simpsons. I'm not sure why. I didn't really enjoy it, but I wanted a distraction and I guess I was still trying to stay in the everyday world a little. But I watched it from my hands and knees and muted the TV during contractions and commericals. U. sat by me, waiting to do anything I asked.

After that, the events of the night begin to blur and I won't trouble you with all of them. The basic summary is that when J., returned, we had folded the futon out and I laid down there to "get some rest before things got serious." I assumed that the labor would mostly consist of me moving around between all the different laboring postures we'd learned until my contractions were 1 minute long and 5 minutes apart. At that point we would drive out and meet my midwife at the hospital.

That's not what happened.

As I said, we laid down to rest before the labor advanced that much, but the contractions quickly grew quite intense and I found that moving just a little brought them on. Instead of a steady pattern that could be timed consistently, I would have one horribly intense contraction followed immediately by an aftershock, and then about a 7-10 minute wait for the next one. So I laid there on my left side for several hours, working through those. J. laid down behind me and rested until she heard me moaning with a new contraction and then would talk me through it. "Your body is doing exactly what it's supposed to," was one of the things that really helped me. Also, she constantly had to remind me to moan LOW, to help push the baby lower into my body. High pitched noises would have caused me to tense up more.

Some of the highlights of the night then included throwing up, which J., told me counts for 10 contractions, and moving to the bedroom where I had a soft mattress on top of our other one. Going to the bathroom was agony because moving to and from the room brought on more contractions. I fell asleep between most of the contractions in bed and commented at one point that that meant that each time a contraction came, it was a startling awakening to suddenly remember what was happening.

At one point I saw a clear and strangely colored vision of a tree. Gray-brown. Intricate leaves like snowflakes.

Somewhere along the way, U., called Emarcy to come, and she arrived around 1, clearly nervous and shaking both after the 3 hour middle -of-the-night drive and by the strangeness of seeing me like this. I found that looking her in the eyes while U. gently held one of my feet and while J. continued to coach me were so important.

At last J., called L., the midwife, to see if they could figure out what to do next. Everybody on my team wanted to go to the hospital. U., especially, was clearly anxious to start this part. He had several times practiced the drive to and from and felt that that was his most important and most clearly defined role for the day. However, I did not understand that I might be further along now because I was surprised that I was still in bed. And as I said, every time I moved, a contraction came, so I was loathe to do that. Finally J., said, "You know, if we go to the hospital, you can can use that nice bath in the birthing room."

"I bet it's really warm," Emarcy said.

There was this silence then, one that U. and Emarcy said was the most dramatic of the night before I finally said, "I think I'd like to use that bath."

Then came the agony of getting to the hospital. I had to: 1. Change my clothes. 2. Somehow get through my hallway, into the elevator, down to the basement, and up the short flight of stairs to the car. 3. Somehow survive sitting in a car for 20 minutes as U. drove.

I managed by leaning my entire body weight on either Emarcy or J as they scrambled to gather their things and help me get mine. U. had long ago taken my hospital bag out to the car, so the only things I needed were my shoes and my coat, but even that seemed like a major feat.

Also difficult was the elevator ride down because I had a contraction at the bottom. That's all fine and good, except that I get claustrophobic and was past the point where I could explain that easily. "Don't like elevator. Open," I think were how I communicated that piece to my helpers.

The car ride was hard because reclining was absolutely impossible for me. I thrashed around and cried out in panic the minute I tried it. So I rode to the hospital on my knees in the back seat facing out the back window and watching J.'s headlights. It was around 3 AM so there was no traffic and U. drove with tunnel vision, extra carefully following all the traffic rules and watching for obstacles. Needless to say, the curves and bumps in the road were very upsetting.

When we pulled up to the emergency room, U., was out in a flash and before I knew it, there was a wheelchair waiting for me. In my wheelchair post, I worried about that, but it turned out to be most welcome.

J., and Emarcy raced me through the halls while I moaned loudly, fully aware that anyone could hear me, and choosing not to mind. We found the birthing room and right away my midwife checked me and discovered I was already 9 cm dilated! J. later said that at that moment she saw the blood rush back to my face. I couldn't believe we were almost there.

Still, we had said I was getting in the tub, so I was going to do that. All my clothes came off and I headed over there when another contraction hit. I leaned on the side of this high tub (like a hot tub), but I ended up never moving past that point. I couldn't figure out where I would sit, and L., said that since she thought she saw some meconium in the fluids that were now dripping out of me, she didn't want me to give birth in the tub.

So for a long time I just leaned against the side and entered a strange new state of being. Somehow I was unclear of when it was OK to push, but the word "push" had somehow entered into conversation in the room, so I began to try to do it. It was probably during this period that I felt my most animal-like, staring around the room and shifting through different states of consciousness as everyone else quietly waited with me. I don't know what was said or done to or around me for the most part. I do remember a nurse grilling U. with my weight and height etc. (which he didn't know) and my firmly commanding, "OUTSIDE!" I also remember getting blood drawn and, for the first time in my life, not caring in the least or even minding seeing the needle in my arm.

Eventually L, and J., decided I should be moved to the bed because the birth wasn't progressing. They tried to convince me, but I was hesitant. I guess that as I've pursued this natural birthing path I assumed that using a bed would be inappropriate. After all, that's the UN-natural way they always show it in movies and on TV. But they were right. First I pushed while lying on my side, J., and Emarcy moving my legs for me with the contractions. Then later I was on my back. It was so strange after not being allowed or able to lie on my back for the past 6 months of pregnancy to do it now. But it was the most effective position right now. Besides, the bed was not parallel to the floor, but slanted way up. I held onto the bars on the sides of the bed and pushed as hard as I could.

Originally with the pushing, I treated the contractions as I had before, relaxing my body and using my voice to let out the pain. But J., instructed me to swallow my moans and to use the energy for pushing instead. So now I would swallow, then push as hard as I could until I couldn't stand it anymore. At that point I would end in a scream, and it was remembering the sound of that later on that helped me remember how hard it was. My body itself forgot so quickly.

Around 5:30 or 5:40 I discovered there was a clock on the wall opposite me. For weeks I had been asking how long it would be before my baby would arrive. Now I said aloud, "I want my baby here by 6:00 AM." My midwife smiled and said, "OK." That's when I knew I could do it.

Oddly enough, I began to lose sense of what I was doing. At one point they told me I could touch the baby's head, but I couldn't tell what was "head" and what was "me" and I really just wanted my arms back on the bars of the bed. It seems odd to me that while anticipating that moment for so many months, I just wanted to move past it.

Then after several more "just a few more pushes" J., suddenly sternly said, "Look down now!"

...and there was my little girl.

Again, it was a blur, but I heard myself say, "Oh my G-d oh my G-d oh my G-d" and touching her enough to get blood on my hands and really wanting it to be there. It meant that I got to touch my baby right away before she was cleaned up.

U. said he was amazed at how quickly I changed from this strange other kind of being back to myself instantly, laughing and joking and so totally happy.

And there was my baby.

Sadly, she had lots of fluid in her lungs and so a pediatrician and some nurses had to take her to the side and do some scary looking things with her, but my midwife seemed okay with everything, so I just relaxed and looked on.

There was my baby.

From here out, the players in the show sort of gently drifted off. Soon the pediatrician was done and I was holding her in my arms. I remember thinking how precious her little tush was in my hand and knowing that soon it would always be covered in a diaper, so I should enjoy it now.

J. taught me to breastfeed. Then she disappeared, giving Emarcy a ride to our apartment to nap.

U. finally went with my baby to the nursery where they had to do some required things to her, and my midwife and a nurse stitched up a few tears.

Then they left and it was just me, U., and our baby.

And then U., left to take a nap and it was just she and I.

We spent the day with me holding her, gazing at her, trying to nurse her, and sleeping with her in my arms.

That was all only two weeks ago.

Birth Story: Part I - Cast of Characters

I'm learning recently that the best way to complete things is to do them bit by bit. Ideally I would sit down right now and write out everything about my (or ND's) birth story, but I have some other more pressing things to do and just want to get a quick blog-fix before I do them. I'm taking a cue here also from Arwen/Elizabeth who has been telling her birth story one piece at a time.

So in this chapter let me just introduce you to the characters in the story:

Here I am, in my last photo of pregnancy. I was already in early labor when this was taken, although we weren't certain. I'm at the Childbirth Center to have an ultrasound and to check in with my midwife.



Speaking of my midwife, L., here she is with ND.



And here is J., my doula, who talked me through all of my contractions. This picture was taken the day after ND was born when J. came back to the hospital to help me with breastfeeding.



Of course, U. was there all along as well. No surprises there.



And extra special, Emarcy drove in from 3 hours away as soon as we asked her to come. She was an incredible addition to the team.




And finally, but surprising, was A. She has not been happy about the arrival of ND, but during my actual labor she came in to visit twice, despite my moans. Emarcy reports that A. was anxious most of the evening, but still, she actual let me pet her as though she knew that would calm me. I love this picture, taken weeks ago, that gives more validity than ever to the song "Cat in the Cradle."

YES! YES! YES!

In response to your queries of where I've been...

My daughter was born at 5:58 AM on Wednesday, December 6th. I have details details and more details that I wish I could share. Right now all you really need to know is that:

1. I'm very tired and should go to bed now rather than blog too much in order to prepare for middle of the night feedings.
2. Labor went extraordinarily well. My midwife and doula have said again and again that things went exceptionally well. I can't help but take pride in this and may, in a future post, talk about what it means.
3. I'm completely and utterly in love.

Unfinished Business

Now that it's a weekday and I'm no longer sick, I'm feeling much more productive (although if I was working, this would be considered a very lazy day).

I wanted to post pictures a long time ago after my Fabulous Camping Trip. A few weeks ago emarcy sent me two CDs, one with photos from all of our trips visiting each other since college, including the trip she made to see me during my second to last round of chemo back in 2003. The second CD even had video footage!

So here I'd like to show you a photo of me looking up at a bunch of rocks which I should not have hiked up and back while pregnant, but which I did. Typical me, I have to admit. This was my future baby's first camping trip.



And here is later that same day, before I'd completely exhausted myself. We went canoeing and my friend enjoyed taking pictures of carniverous plants called "pitcher plants."



Finally, during our last morning, we insisted one last short hike together despite the fact that we were completely soaked through with rain. (I'm wearing several layers here and all of them are wet, regardless of the rain gear.)

Historic Fort Lee and How I'm Spending My Time

Long Sunday. U. and I had an outing to a historical site in Fort Lee. Not terribly exciting, but it was fun to get out a little. We got a nice view of the GW bridge and Manhattan, and had some fun with one or two of the exhibits in the museum.

I feel like I have things I'd like to get done now that I have so much time on my hands, but I am just having a terrible time feeling motivated. Kind of the opposite of nesting. My biggest accomplishment was sorting all of the maternity clothes I've borrowed so that they will be easier to return when it's time. It took me hours because I couldn't sustain working on it long enough at a time.

Today is one of the first days when I haven't constantly been thinking, "Maybe this is it!" It's probably good I'm easing up on that.

But I really must complain about one thing for a minute... I keep running into this person who keeps advising me to induce. It really ticks me off. It's not her business. If it was, I could tell plenty of reasons not to, but there's no reason the conversation needs to take place at all.

Thank You, Immune System

Feeling much much better today and very grateful for it. Still have a deep chest cough, especially when I've been either very active, or lying down on my side. But I feel much stronger.

I went for two walks today, both ending with me walking all the way up to my fifth floor apartment. I'm wondering why it was so much easier to walk so much further and more intensely than a few weeks ago. My best guess is that it really makes a difference that I'm off work now.

Also, now that I'm feeling healthy again, I'm really eager to get labor going. We (U. and I) are both having a hard time just waiting for the moment to come when things change forever. No need to philosophize on that now. I've been doing it for weeks already!

Why A Midwife?

Back in Due Date Today I mentioned I was feeling sick. Well, it's gotten much worse. I have done almost nothing today but nurse it, sleep, and feel sorry for myself. Runny nose, deep deep painful chest cough. I called my doctor who put me on Amoxicillin. She's not convinced I have a bacterial infection but agrees that I don't want to take any chances right now of not treating something that I can. I DO NOT want this happening when I go into labor.

Meanwhile, I've had several conversations with friends and others who ask if and when I'll induce labor. But my midwife and I had a long conversation yesterday about that. "Due date" does not mean "deadline." Most pregnancies can safely go all the way to 43 weeks. So doctors in their great wisdom usually prevent them from continuing at 42 weeks even though they are often still safe. And since a baby can be "at term" as early as 38 weeks, the "due date" is simply based on a day halfway between the 38 and the 42... leaving it at 40 weeks. So there's no reason to rush things. Besides that, one of the reasons I'm with a midwife is in order to have a "natural" birth. By that I do not automatically mean wearing hippie clothes and refusing all comfort (medical) and playing new age music (although I am going to do the music), but it means doing things as true to what our bodies were made to, with as few interventions as possible. We'll be monitoring with ultrasound starting next week to see if it's safe to just continue the pregnancy until labor starts naturally.

But this brings me to a topic I've wanted to address for some time:

Why I chose a midwife and not a doctor.

1. Guidance

One doctor I met and liked would have worked for me. (I switched because I didn't want to be left in the hands of anyone else at the practice, and because I wanted a midwife if I could find one.) But I remember being oddly nervous when she said I could have any kind of birth I wanted. I really appreciated that, but having never given birth before, I didn't know what my options were. I wanted someone who would hear my questions and preferences, but who could make decisions for me that were consistent with natural child birth.

2. An open ear

I wanted someone who would listen to me and not just to the machines monitoring my body. Especially at the beginning of my pregnancy I felt terribly abandoned by the medical world. "Yay, you're pregnant. Congratulations. Come back next month." There was nothing in place to address the major life change of NOW and to guide me towards how to welcome it into my life. My current midwife will talk to me for as long as I want and lets me call her anytime I need. And it's not just that she's physically there. She sits. She looks me in the eye. She LISTENS.

3. Pregnancy is not a pathology

I learned quickly that in the medical world, unless there was a problem, doctors had nothing to teach me about what was happening in me. They almost seemed surprised that I would ask questions. Also, I'm so upset when I hear the sort of common outlook on pregnancy of constantly asking how bad it is. People in this part of the world seem to be much more willing to complain about discomfort and take any measures to make them end than to experience and work through them as part of a blessing. That goes for everything from back aches to actual labor. I know that some of my friends think I'm crazy for wanting to go natural and back it up by saying that I have no idea how painful it will be. I don't deny that it will be more painful than I imagine, but I also believe in my body's and spirit's ability to work through it.

4. It's MY birth experience

I don't want this birth to be about the doctor, and his/her schedule and convenience. I want it to be the major life experience it's meant to be.

There are many more reasons, but I don't want to write much more. I will add that I asked a doula at one point how I'll be able to cope with the challenge of labor given how much I hate my every day back pains and hate being sick etc. She said that it was a normal question and explained that they are completely different. I guess I interpret labor as being like an intense sweat lodge that leads you to heightened awareness both because of and despite physical pain, while the other little pains are just annoyances.

Maybe at another time I'll address alternative words for and views about pain.

40 Weeks and 1 Day

I've been hearing my fill of other people's stories lately of how they went into labor, what "caused" it etc. I've also been told so many times, when I'm saying I'm not sure how to tell when it's started, "Oh, you'll know!!" This is always said with great emphasis.

The truth is, it's not so simple, and all of the stories I am hearing are starting to confuse me.

I woke up at 2 AM with very strong cramping and I KNEW labor was starting. I had a temporary burst of nesting as I got up to clean the kitchen and whatnot. I finally went to bed around 4 and felt the cramping start again. I couldn't wait until morning.

When I called my midwife around 7:30 she said it sounded much more like pre-labor than early labor. We went in for an early appointment and confirmed... labor had not started. She said it could happen later today. It could also happen in a week. We don't know anything more yet.

We talked for awhile about how normal and safe it is for the baby to come later than now. That you only really ought to push it when it becomes unsafe for the baby to not be born yet... like when the placenta starts to deteriorate. But for now, I'll just continue to wait and learn from that whatever I need to.

Incidentally, when I got up in the middle of the night I pulled from my "cards." My devil card said "pain" and my angel said "joy." I thought for sure that was a sign, but I guess not as immediate as I thought.

Due Date Today

So today's the due date, but I'm not sure that really means anything... just that I've been pregnant for 40 weeks now.

I don't want to go into labor today if I can help it. I have a nasty sore throat and cold which started Sunday. (Sadly enough... one of the highlights of that day was stopping at Ben & Jerry's, demanding something "very very chocolatey with cookie in it" and thereupon discovering the ecstasy of the flavor called "chocolate therapy." I think, unfortunately, that the sugar and dairy combination suppressed my immune system once again in the process.) So yesterday I was in bed much of the day and will probably do the same today. Maybe tomorrow's a good way to go.

Last night I went to the mikveh. I'm not going to go into detail as it was a very personal experience, but one of my goals in this blog is to be open about ritual in my life as an example of things that my dear readers (if I were saying that out loud, I would do it in a sarcastic/shy voice) can do in their lives too, or recommend to others. So I just want to tell that I did it at all. I went without saying a brocha, but davened for plenty. (I'm intentionally not translating, because it isn't terribly relevant if you don't already know what I'm talking about.) What was really nice was that the mikveh lady was able to schedule me back-to-back with a woman who has been having difficulty getting pregnant. It's a segulah for her to go in after me, so we took each other's Hebrew names. She's going to daven for me for an easy labor. She also wanted to pay my way, but I said no. I was just trying to be polite by refusing, but I think I offended her. So I told her to please give tzedakah elsewhere on my behalf but that I wanted to pay for this myself.

In any case, it's time to go into my currently empty day now and see what little things I choose to do as I wait and wait and wait some more...

One last thought on that note though... I am LOVING being on a leave during which my mind is not on anything outside of my own home and immediate life. I have been keeping concerns about school so far away in my mind that I almost forgot that yesterday was a school day at all.

So...

So angel cards don't state times and dates when to expect things to happen. As you might guess by now, today I'm well-rested, calm and still have a baby only inside me.

A Sign?

One of my fun little idiosyncracies is that I love angel cards. These are little cards that have one simple word on them such as "simplicity," "faith," or "inspiration" written on them. You use them in whatever way works best for you. I guess I sort of use mine as a way of looking for synchronicity in my life. Usually by the end of the day if I look to see what I picked that morning, I can tie in my card with some event from my day and use it to build meaning. It's not like fortune-telling really, but every now and then I'll get some really amazing picks.

See, I also have other cards. First are my Devil Cards with things like "vanity," "depression," and "pride." I often can find that devilish trait within myself and either try to use it for the good or take the message from the angel card to counteract the devil-ness. I have several times received "dishonesty" from my devil cards at the same time as I pick "honesty" from angel pack etc.

I also have a Pasuk Pack which a friend of mine invented. From that I get one verse of tehillim (psalms). I haven't been able to USE those necessarily, but sometimes have had some funny experiences. For example, I once went to just the same kind of new agey story in Vancouver where I buy things like this and mostly had a good time. However, there was a bookshelf low to the ground and I wanted to kneel down to look at it the books there. But to do so, I would have to kneel down in front of this very idol-looking statue, and I wasn't willing to do that. That afternoon when I came home I happened to pick a card from the Pasuk Pack and got "They have eyes but they see not, they have ears but they hear not..."

Finally, I have a set of Arwen Cards which I made for a friend's birthday and have since given to other friends as presents. They contain advice for the day such as "Trust your intuition," and "Sing." There are some others that are particularly helpful to me, but I don't want to make this too much longer.

In any case, on weekdays I take a card from each of the four packs and arrange them in a certain way. Sometimes I keep them out throughout the week to see how my week has progressed. It's a nice tool for reflection.

But it's good to do things differently, more simply, on Shabbat. So after I light candles I just choose an angel card. The next morning, after I meditate, I take a second one. And I take a third card sometime during Shabbat afternoon.

Last night I got "trust." I didn't know what that was about. But today we had a lovely lunch up the street with some friends and everyone kept sort of saying ways I could induce the pregnancy or whatever. And I found myself thinking, "G-d, I trust you to make this baby come at the right time."

This morning I got "patience." I suppose this is about being patient waiting for the baby. Patient with the aches in my body. Patient as I learn, once again, to just take it easy. I'm now looking forward to a few more days of just lying around a bit and watching videos or getting little things done around the apartment without big expectations on myself.

After lunch we came home and I trekked up to our 5th floor apartment with Braxton-Hicks contractions all the way. With less than an hour left of Shabbos I took some deep breaths, hoping now that labor was not starting, and settling down to read a little. Suddenly I remembered I needed to take another card. What did I get?

"Birth."

That throws patience out the window a little. Maybe the baby will come tonight! I don't know if I need the patience because I'm waiting long again now or not. But I do have trust that if it's supposed to be tonight... even though I"m not finished with a couple of last minute things I want to do, well...

Like I said, trust.

Great Adventures in Grocery Shopping

Any of you who knows me knows I do not do well with sitting still.

At the same time, some chores are quite difficult right now. I just went grocery shopping and my hips and butt are incredibly sore. I had to lean on the cart the whole time so that I could bend over a little to alleviate some of the pain.

Thankfully, I ran into a friend from shul who was shopping with her kids. It so happens that her son is one of my students too, so he had the opportunity to do the mitzvah of helping me by emptying my grocery cart. (By the way, I think this is one of the nicest things you can do for someone without having to prepare too much. Once or twice pre-pregnancy I've tried to help elderly people with the same thing.)

I also accepted help from the bagging guy to get my stuff into the car. He sorted everything for me into perishable and non so that U. can bring in the non-perishables when I get home. The rest I brought in with a cart instead of carrying the bags on my arms the way I used to.

I'm not even going to put groceries away now until I've had some lunch. Then afterwards, I'm lying down a bit before I make our Shabbos lentil soup in honor of this week's parsha about Esau giving up his birth-right for a bowl of soup. (That's ALL I'm cooking, and proud of it.)

A New Jersey Thanksgiving

Just got home from our Thanksgiving dinner. Last year we went into the city to celebrate. This year we went out with the same friend, but with just 5 days until my due date, there was no way I was going to cross the George Washington Bridge for any length of time. So we ate at Noah's Ark in Teaneck instead. (Don't be startled by the plane if you click on that link.)

It was a good dinner. U. and I are feeling stuffed now, but happy for it. I was amazed I was able to eat so much. I've been hungry often lately, but usually can't fit that much food around the baby's space. But it wasn't bad and I had an excellent chocolate cream pie for dessert.

So now I'm passed every special date that I'd hoped to, even though I was prepared to welcome a baby even before then. I got through conferences, my last day of work (which was yesterday), and now Thanksgiving dinner. All along I've been thinking it could happen at any minute. Now I'm starting to realize that I could be waiting for the next 2 1/2 weeks. I think I'm okay with that although a little nervous about getting bored.

Who am I fooling... if I do get bored, great! When's the next time I'll be able to be bored? And now that I feel like I have a lot of time, it might turn out that I really don't.

Oh yeah. We got to a movie. We saw Borat. I could say quite a bit, but don't really want to because I'm tired, and I guess it didn't mean enough to me to want to say very much. In short, we laughed a lot, but that doesn't mean we enjoyed it. It certainly was uncomfortable. I'm not very interested in the question of how the movie deals with (or could provoke) anti-Semitism. I feel like there were many more issues in the movie. At times I wondered who the audience was really meant to be. Other times I didn't know if I was laughing at Borat or at his straight men, the "average Americans" he targeted. I really don't recommend the movie unless you're willing and ready to explore those issues reasonably.

In any case, I got to sit in a movie theater. That's cool. Might not be able to again for awhile. (Or maybe I will.)

This Whole Due Date Thing

So I felt sick on Thursday-Saturday with flu symptoms. Stayed home from work and felt guilty for it as I wrote to you there. Yesterday I was back and amazed at how many people were surprised I was there. A lot of them figured I was just DONE. (My last day of work is this Wednesday which, thankfully, is a pre-Thanksgiving halfday.) It was a relief seeing them so glad to see me instead of spitting on the floor, turning up their noses and saying, "Well at least you're here now! Not like last week when you abandoned your post." (Not sure why I would have expected that.) This makes it easier for me to think about leaving in the midst of all the ACTION that seems to be constantly happening there.

Now I'm actually feeling sick again as of last night. I guess I pushed a bit hard on Sunday and Monday having not yet recovered. So I need to try and take it easy today and I'm grateful tomorrow is such a short day.

I do NOT want to be sick during labor. I was already sick on my wedding day. I've been trying to appreciate my body for choosing illness as a way of communicating to me wisely that I need to pull back from work. So now that I'm leaving anyway, I need it to be healthy.

This morning I checked in at Babes In Blogland which is keeping track of people's birth situations. I noticed that nobody with my due date or later has had early babies. So I take that, reliable or not, as a sign that I still have a little time.

Photos at 38 1/2

Yes, 38 weeks and 5 days, actually. Some people do lots and lots of photos of themselves during pregnancy. I admit I've taken a few of myself with my computer camera. (I can hold the mouse and click it even if I'm standing away from the computer.) But they're not great quality and I don't really feel right about showing off that much.

However, I wanted SOME good pictures of the very end (or as close as I am to the end) just to prove that I really did look rather different. So U. took these last night. (I was annoying and bossy telling him how to do it. Glad it's done.)

Planning

Planning is so strange these days.

This Sunday we might work on cleaning up the bedroom and have the option to get to a movie. (I think we might try for Stranger Than Fiction.) I'd also like to get a nice walk in and touch up my substitute plans for school.

OR

We'll be in the hospital with me giving birth.

One or the other. We'll see.

It's like this everyday.