Rosh Hashanah Preparations

I've been feeling very good this year about how conscious I've been of working on myself since Tisha B'Av in preparation for Rosh Hashanah. Generally speaking, my goal has been to become more open towards people I was shutting out before (and to work through some anger towards one person in particular - I am VERY proud of how much work I've done on that). I feel like I've made a lot of progress which has also helped a bit in the humility department.

But then I woke up this morning feeling panicked suddenly about simply not being ready. That's probably the best way to feel right now. The terror or awe of the coming days is what makes real teshuvah (I'll translate it for my purposes here as change, renewal, growth) take place. I realize too that I'm similarly panicking about motherhood. I keep finding myself again and again looking at the challenges other parents face and then catching myself saying, "But that won't happen to me..." I know that the ONLY way I can learn that is faulty logic is by experiencing it. I don't need reassurance for this. I simply need to experience it. I'm afraid of how little time I have left (just over two months if the baby holds to the projected schedule) and at the same time eager to get on with it.

Anyway, back to the original topic of being more open to others. This morning I read this Rosh Hashanah article over breakfast. I like some aspects but not others. I like the idea of not thinking of R.H. as being about punishment and reward. I sort of agree with the idea instead of investment. But it does feel a bit sterile to think of it that way.

And the more challenging aspect of the article is the notion that there is sort of this tiered system of those who actually are spiritually motivated and those who are not that just tag along for the ride. (Look for the explanation of people making it rich with Microsoft when they haven't worked for it and don't necessarily need it.) Unfortunately, it makes too much sense to me. I tend to exclude others because I have some lofty idea that I'm more sensitive, spiritual or what-have-you than they are. But if what I've been working on is seeing other people with a greater measure of respect, why am I now allowed to imagine them on a different tier?

Throughout all of this, it occurs to me that while I'm preparing intellectually, my dad is not allowed to study Torah right now as he sits shiva. That's a completely different experience for changing oneself.