Yom Kippur in retrospect

I must say, I'm flattered at how many people have asked how Yom Kippur went. I wrote up two pages for myself about everything from the physical experience to the content of some of my meditations and to some of the things I started feeling really ashamed about as the day wore on with me asking forgiveness. It occurs to me, by the way, how many of the things I feel really bad about are between me and other people, not between me and G-d exactly. Didn't I just write that we can't ask forgiveness from other people through G-d?

In any case, I'm not going to give you two pages, especially since it's both rambling and private, but I will copy and paste a few bits as well as rewrite a few short points for this entry:

I tend to believe that meditation will put you into a completely different world. It didn’t exactly do that, but I think I did get more than just following the shul service.

I did miss shul by mussaf. Usaneh tokef (sp?) is usual a highly significant part of the service for me. I realize that I’m always anxious in a shul setting that highlights that I look forward to won’t be good enough or someone will start talking. I guess I’m always very anxious in shul that it won’t be what I want it to. So davening alone meant that I didn’t get the power of hearing a good davening, but it did mean I wasn’t afraid it wouldn’t be good. What does that tell you about me?

I also did go to shul for mincha and neilah but didn’t realize until I got there that I wasn’t feeling great. I wasn’t speaking to anyone yet (except a few words with U. when he came home). I wanted to maintain silence until the end. But I felt a strange sensation in my belly that worried me and that afterwards, when I described it to someone, seems to have been contractions. That naturally has me nervous. I’ve been in touch with my midwife who thinks I’m fine. (I’m seeing her tomorrow anyway.)

Over the entire day and night I had a total of about 5 or 6 meditations, the nighttime ones were the deepest, and they did bring me some new insight. I was careful not to work too hard at them but to let new thoughts come. Sometimes new thoughts look like old ones, but then turn out to be slightly but significantly different. For example, one meditation was supposed to help me find what I wanted to work on within myself. I predicted that being competitive would come up, but it didn't at all. Instead something similar but more painful to face came to me. And also another trait that I have which, once I realized it, was actually sort of empowering. Now that I've faced it I think I can work with it better and break some old patterns.

Throughout the whole day I only prayed, meditated, read, pet my cat and sometimes went to the bathroom. I didn't even sleep during the day. I wasn't able to maintain concentration to only read serious work like the Alan Lew book or Simple Words which jumped off the shelf at me. I also needed a break, so I finished The Silver Chair which while religious in its own way, did not really help much other than to clear my head a little.

All in all, the my experience of the day did not seem to move the world necessarily, but maybe I'll find it changed me a little. I hope so.