Remission Anniversary #12

This is me during the Providence Bridge Pedal of 2003. I cried when I discovered I wasn't strong enough do the longer route that I wanted to take towards the Sellwood Bridge and had to remind myself how wonderful it was that I could do it at all. Both truths were real. I wasn't strong enough to make it to Sellwood AND I did the Providence Bridge Pedal even while undergoing chemo.

This first paragraph is what I will post on Facebook today:

Today marks my 12th year free from cancer. I celebrate today not only to be cancer-free, but also to have experienced cancer. I'm grateful that the lymphoma was eradicated from my body, but am also grateful for the deep teachings it brought me about my own strength and about surrender. While I no longer think daily of my status as a survivor, I do daily face the question of what I'm able to do and what my limitations are. Every day we are all given an infinite number of opportunities to be thankful and the choice to be compassionate towards ourselves. I think the gift of cancer has somehow helped me look at this a little more seriously than if I hadn't had it.

This second paragraph is just for the blog:

I write this now knowing that yesterday a colleague's mother died from the same disease. I was uncertain at first how to handle that. Should I celebrate in the way that I'd planned, bringing a platter of food to school to celebrate? Would doing so be callous, I celebrate life while someone else mourns? It reminds me of when I first learned that I would survive my cancer, but felt so sorry, and some guilt, that my sister-in-law, Denise, did not.

As I turn off the deliberate thinking and go deep with this, I realize that the deep spiritual work is just in holding all of this truths together. I lived.  Another died. There is suffering. There is beauty. There is.

Hoshanot 2015

I guess writing about Hoshanot is becoming a tradition for me as I did it in 2013 as well as in 2012 in a post that led to my article on JOFA's site and all the way back in 2005 in this article to name a few. You can search the blog if you really want, but by now you will have gotten the point.

Well, this year I had two similar but distinctly different Hoshanot experiences. The first was in our regular shul. Remembering anxiety in past years about how this might go, I emailed the rabbi ahead of time and asked that it be made very clear exactly where women would be and how to participate during the Hoshanot service. I also asked what I could do to help make sure this happened. Our rabbi assured me all would go well, that he would make sure there was a circle for men as well as one for woman, and said what I could do was recruit (which I did a little).

I was grateful to see that an email appeared in the bulletin inviting both women and men to participate in Hoshanot and encouraged both to bring lulav and etrog.

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Passion

I consider myself very lucky to be the sort of Jew who has had lots of opportunity to explore, grow and change. Rather than be born into a single form of Judaism, I've had the chance to choose it over time.

Over the years I've felt the desire to learn and do more and more. Simultaneously I've been driven towards Orthodox Judaism because I've wanted to "do Judaism" by the rules in order to uncover the more hidden benefits that are nestled inside the mitzvot that don't always make sense.

Very sadly, throughout my life, these two desires -- passion for more and a desire to be with the Orthodox community -- eventually collided repeatedly and destructively.

The time they would do this, more than any other, was at Sukkot and then Simchat Torah. These are times of celebration when all our strict observance throughout the year and especially of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur suddenly explodes into celebration. On Sukkot there is a powerful segment in which we hold lulav and etrog and circle the Torah, praying for Hoshanot which, in my understanding, is a sort of request for continued closeness with G-d in addition to actual deliverance. Then on Simchat Torah there is joyous dancing with Torah in the arms and singing until you're hoarse. Such beautiful expressions of passion for Torah.

Well, as long as you're allowed to do them.

Because in many factions of Orthodox Judaism, if you are a woman, the more you love the Torah, more contained you need to be and the greater distance you need to keep.

Every year the crescendo of the year grows, and then suddenly as we reach the peak, women simply step aside.

Now in my community there is a recent alternative minyan that meets occasionally called Tiferet. It follows the model of Shira Hadasha minyanim in which women and men both participate in the service within halakhic bounds -- actual bounds, not the more artificial ones that have become custom or habit in the majority of Orthodox minyanim. (As an example, women can lead psukei dzimrah, kabbalat shabbat or hallel, but not the portions of the service that require a minyan. In addition, we need a mechitza and cannot count in a minyan.)

I wasn't sure I wanted to become involved. I was nervous about whether it really would be halakhic and even wondered about the motivations of others involved, if they wanted some kind of less serious version of Judaism. But a few years ago our Rabbi triumphantly led the men of our shul outside for Hoshanot and, because I'd asked ahead of time, he made an announcement that women could walk in a circle too. No one did because there was no leadership. I had to struggle to retain any of the prescribed joy of the holiday and I wanted to go home. The men themselves didn't seem terribly enthusiastic. The rabbi was trying hard to bring them into the process emotionally, but their singing was quiet, the tone was lackadaisical. They were missing the simcha that I'd had moments before and that I'd never have a chance to share with the community.

So that's when Evan, the founder of Tiferet approached me. I didn't have to explain how I was feeling. He'd seen this many times before with other women which is exactly the reason he had started the minyan.

I became involved, reluctantly at first, and asked a lot of questions that helped me feel more confident in the halakhic nature of the minyan. I found that I just enjoyed being there more than I did in shul. Then Evan asked me to join the board, and I did, again, reluctantly. Then I accidentally joined a committee that planned an incredible Torah learning event during the summer, and now I realized I'm hooked.

Even more recently, I agreed to coordinate readers for Torah leyning. Since I was having difficulty filling the rotation for our first holiday service (second day of Sukkot), I decided it was time to take the plunge and learn to read myself.

I can't say it was completely new to me. I've read megillah for several years and I've read a few psukim for a women's Simchat Torah leyning, but I wasn't sure I understood the trope correctly. This time I worked and I worked at it, checking in with 4 different people, including U., to make sure I was on target.

In addition, I was asked if I would lead the Hoshanot service. I'd waffled many times before when Evan or Akiva (who co-plans the nitty gritty details with him) had approached me but this time there was no question.

So yesterday Evan held the Torah between the men's and women's side. The men circled on their side, the women circled on theirs, and everyone participated with me calling out the Hashonot in my loudest proudest voice. Let me say that again... everyone participated. Even ND walked beside me carrying her own toy lulav and etrog and didn't once tug on my sleeve or try to speak to me. She could feel the importance. That night when we talked about the good and bad of our day she even named that as one of her most important things.

The leyning, too, was successful. I feel great that I could contribute, proud of what I accomplished, appreciative that others seemed inspired when they approached me afterwards and said, "Was that really your first time?!"

But more important than that, I was allowed to have the passion that the Torah asks of us. I was allowed to pass it on to those around me who maybe are more ambivalent. How often do we hear laments about a lack of passion in the Jewish world, a lack of spirituality, a lack of leadership?

I have it. Thank you for letting me have it. Thank you for letting me, and my passion, lead.

Pesach Waste

So we made it through another wonderful Pesach. Relatively smooth transition into a chometz-free zone, visit from Savta and Saba, lovely sedarim, visits to the Crayola factory and Philipsburg Manor, tidy final chag and now just have to turn the kitchen back over tomorrow.

I'm always struck and worried by the amount of waste we generate on Pesach -- foil, water bottles, disposables in the kitchen, contact paper etc. I think we do a good job of keeping it relatively moderate, but it's still far more than any other time of year.

I read an article once about netilat yadayim (ritual hand washing) and water preservation. The article suggested that some might consider using less water for this ritual in order to prevent wasting it. However, the article suggested that the ritual is actually an opportunity to really concentrate on our appreciation of water, that we should use all the water we need for it as a way of reminding us in other matters not to waste. I wish I could find the article now to make sure I'm remembering it correctly. But alas...

So since I actually did use up several paper cups for tea throughout the week and two disposable water bottles, and lots of foil, I feel refreshed in my resolve for the rest of the year to be conscious of the amount of waste I generate and to minimize it wherever possible.

On another note, one regret I had was that I was unable to make it to a single shiur before Yom Tov. When I feel as disappointed as I do about this, it helps me find a way to correct it, so now I'm resolving to try to have at least one significant Torah learning event per month. That sounds like an awfully low bar, but it's what I'm up to right now. (I do read a couple of halakhas each morning after davening and try to read something Jewish before bed, but this is meager by comparison.) I'm starting by actually leading one part of a discussion about Ruth at a Rosh Chodesh group next week.

Shavuah tov!

I-Interactions

I've been thinking of writing an actual article about this... consider this a brief draft.

As a parent I have discovered that a sure way to make for an incomplete, dissatisfying or downright distressing evening is through too much multitasking. Well, multitasking of the wrong sort anyway. I can cook and interact with ND, but I can't do anything school related. It's been a blessing for me as, when I come home, I devote that time to her and my household instead of work. This has been as good for me as for her.

Multitasking takes us out of the moment. It works against anything inside us that is trying to be present at all and to actual enjoy what is transpiring or what we are doing (however mundane).

I hate iphones and the like because of this. I hate being in a room of people while some small part of them is wired out of the room and away from me.

There is one small exception to this.

U. got an ipod Touch recently. It's mostly been a little less useful to us than we had hoped. Fun to have, but definitely a toy rather than a tool at this point. We've gradually developed some rules or routines about when to use and when not to, because we don't want it getting in the way of our family interactions.

So it has been a lovely surprise to find one way in which it actually brings me closer to people. My parents and half-brother live 3000 miles away. I talk to my parents once or twice a week, although often it's hard to know what to talk about. I talk to my brother far less frequently. I would prefer to be with them, sharing an activity, but that is seemingly impossible at this distance.

Now here's the thing... There is a game on our i-gadgets called Words With Friends. It's basically Scrabble that you can play long-distance. It is now a part of my weekly routine to be engaged in a game with any one of them... sometimes multiple games. And when I play a word while on the exercise bike in the morning, or right after dinner in the evening, I'm interacting, however briefly. Sometimes, too, U. and I conspire together, helping to figure out what move to make, and sometimes we let ND actually move those letters onto the "board."

It can become addictive, and I have to be careful I don't jump away from my immediate family mid-conversation when I hear that little chime go off on the iPod, telling me it's my turn. We have to keep each other in check sometimes. But I have to admit, this is one time when this little home-wrecking piece of metal is bringing me closer to someone, instead of further away.

Goals Gradually Coming To Fruition

A wonderful thing happened about a week ago. One night when I was too tired to get off the couch, instead of browsing Facebook, I went to LinkedIn and clicked around in a Writer's Cafe I once found there.

I asked a question about how I could find an online writing group, and, a few days later, was invited into one. I couldn't decide at first whether I could do it. It takes a commitment of two submissions and 4 critiques per MONTH. I was sure it was irresponsible for me to take on this extra work as I simplify my life.

But I couldn't say no. I applied, they accepted me, and I've spent this whole week spending stolen minutes reading posts and previous submissions.

This morning I got up before 5 and spent my first hour actually working on it... sent in two critiques and a poem I began in November.

It's 6 now. I have time for 10 minutes of yoga before I move on to the rest of my morning agenda.

Predictable Irony: Health Addendum

I can think of very few times when I've talked about having good health and then remained in good health. The good news is that my lapse this week was very short, --a product, I hope, of the things mentioned in my last post.

Tuesday night I began to feel fatigued (rather than tired) and and had a scratchy throat. I went to bed early, did a Wet Socks Treatment and went to bed as early as I could. I warned my assistant over email the night before, and in the morning I slept in some, did a very long restorative yoga session and came in an hour late. I was tired and slow all day, but made it through and felt fine again the next day. Still, I didn't go back on the exercise bike, and stuck to yoga instead the rest of the week, although more rigorous than the restorative.

I forgot to mention a few things in the last post:

I see a chiropractor weekly most of the time. We have a special deal worked out and I really appreciate having someone regular with whom to check in about my health.

U. and I lift weights in the evenings a few times per week when I'm feeling well.

There's more too, but now that I have time to write about it, I can't remember... (Need some of that "Get Smart" tea made by the same people as the Wellness Tea I mentioned in the last post. Yes, I do drink it, but not every day.)

Life Wish Installment Number 3: Health

As promised in my post Winter Vacation!, here is my 3 Life Wish Installment... one in which I'm already making huge strides... health.

Anyone who has known me or followed my blog for some time knows that health is a big issue for me... or has certainly been a worry. Not so much because of my history with cancer directly... I don't consciously worry much about big things happening to me. However, when I catch a cold, I get anxious and upset and even blame myself for it happening. And in previous years it really seemed to happen quite a lot! Sometimes I felt sick every week. I've done a lot to look into it... visited doctors, taken tons of supplements, read websites about scary diseases, charted every runny nose and when during the week or month I received it etc.

Thank G-d, this is the first year in which I think I'm actually making significant progress. I am much more aware of my body, taking more active steps to help it and the result is I get through more weeks feeling better than before.

So if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share what's gotten me there.

To begin, I've had an attitude shift. In the past I think if I felt healthy I tried really hard to conquer the world and pushed my body to the limit. I still feel that tendency, but now realize I need to practice moderation in my energy levels more carefully. Instead of seeing myself as being well or unwell, I realize how delicate my body really is and how much attention it needs at all times to remain healthy. Before, too, I often thought I was getting sick near the end of the week. Now I know that that is energy depletion and that I have to stop and rest as soon as possible at that time if I want to prevent anything coming.

1. I try to sleep enough. I read a book recommended to me years ago called Sleep Thieves. This book scared the be-jeebees out of me by talking about the terrible habits we have entered into as a society, ridiculing sleep, and how many accidents and fatalities are the result. Around the time I was reading it, I was starting to worry too about my memory. I would have terrible trouble with word recall, especially by the afternoon and was losing things all the time. I thought I was getting enough sleep... between 6 1/2 to 7 1/2 hours probably, skimping extra near the end of the week when I just had to push hard to get to the weekend. After reading this book I finally learned that are bodies actually want 9 hours and should be able to get by on 8. Sounds like an indulgence, but I tried it and am kinder, more present, more relaxed, more efficient and less forgetful than before... not to mention healthier. Does this mean I get 9 hours of sleep each night? Definitely not. But I try really hard to get closer to it. For sure I try to get to bed quite early (even giving up time to talk to my husband at all!) one or two nights in the beginning of the week and really go for a marathon sleep night. More importantly, I try to be really conscious of remembering what my body needs. A lot of time I get that little burst of energy or "second wind" right around 8. I want to badly to stay up late then! But as an early riser (5 AM), I need to be mindful of what's happening and remind myself gently to wind down anyway. It helps that U. knows how important this is and reminds me.

2. I've sort of given up sugar... sort of. At Simchat Torah we stayed with some wonderful friends, but friends who really enjoy treats and I ate a LOT of sugar. I also met a person I had known via internet for awhile, but never in person and we spoke about her growth with health. One of her big steps was giving up sugar. Now I'm not deluding myself... there is sugar in all kinds of things, including fruit. But I tried to give up refined sugar where it was not necessary... no cookies, cakes, candies, pastries sitting in the teacher's room. No cereals with sugar in the label (except I haven't had the nerve to look at regular Cheerios to see if they have it). When I bake, I use alternatives, including honey. Admittedly, I'm confused about honey now based on what's in the link I posted above, but I've already read a lot about the positive properties of honey too, so I'm not going to worry about that too much.

I've known for a long time that sugar and immunity opposed each other. I can feel myself craving sugar (and salts, actually) when I'm coming down with something, and I sometimes feel (real or imagined) scratchy throatedness immediately after having something. But stopping it completely was informative. I made it through with no cheating from Simchat Torah, but blew it when I saw suganyot (donuts) on Channukah. I ate one and it didn't taste that good to me.

I've cheated other times now too, especially if extraordinary baker friends make something, but I'm way more conscious of this now and only have sugar after a long hard thought. We'll see where this goes in the future, but I think it makes a big difference.

3. Now for my regular routine... below is some more of my day.

When I get up in the morning (between 5 and 5:30) I do a nasal rinse. Neti pots work, but I'm happy with SinuFlo. Do this again at night.

Then I give myself a sesame oil massage. I first hard about sesame oil from this person I met who gave up the sugar, but we didn't talk about it much. She just talked about using it on her body to help protect herself from illness. I read online about massage, and then took it further after reading The Healer Within, a book I ran across in the library while looking, in desperation, for books about using diet to help me with immunity. He does not talk about sesame oil, but does tell how to use massage first with ears, hands and feet as well as the rest of the body. Sometimes I just spend 2-3 minutes massaging. Other times maybe 10 minutes. I know I could go longer.

Next I spend a few minutes doing things I need to like feeding my cat, getting bags ready for school etc., and then it's time to exercise. If I'm feeling great, I go on the exercise bike. I'd love to go for a half hour but usually it's more like 10-15 minutes, and stretch afterward. If I prefer, or it's not a weekday, or I'm targeting something in particular, I do yoga. I have been doing yoga for many years and so I have plenty of ways to build my own routine, but I also subscribe to www.myyogaonline.com, a wonderful site started by someone I know in Vancouver, B.C. I pay for it, but it's vastly worth it. A year's membership costs less than buying some classes, and there's a wealth of information that I use very regularly. If I'm really short on time, I go for short exercises that might help my chi. For example, here's a very short video from a friend of mine I met while traveling in Ireland years ago. She has since become a massage therapist and Chinese Medicine practitioner. (Hooray, Facebook for helping me find her again!)

After that, I shower, daven, wake up ND, eat, and off we run, trying to get her dropped off at her school and me to my school by 8 AM. (I'm usually a few minutes late.)

I get very very very wrapped up in my work and find myself running frequently. Throughout the day I try to be very mindful of my energy levels and my breath. I try to notice when I'm "spinning" into overdrive, and consciously breathe. I do this with my students too. I even schedule it into the day during something I call MTM (Moments That Matter). MTM is used for other important things too like recognizing birthdays or calling peers who are home sick. I could write more about that another time as it's something I've been trying to develop.

Then, at the end of the day, ND is actually my salvation. Besides being a joy, she requires attention, and that has taught me I can't reasonably multitask. I have to put my work aside when I leave the school, at least until U. is available to relieve me for a few minutes (usually between dinner and bedtime, or during bedtime if it's 'his night.') By then I know I need to relax, that that is an essential piece of my health and preparation for the next day.

Except for sugar, I haven't mentioned food here... I guess I try to eat a whole lot of greens more than anything else! See food posts for more about that.

Supplements: regular multi-vitamins, but also fish oil and coq10. When I'm feeling yucky I have on hand Vitamin D, Vitamin C, Oscillo and Oil of Oregano and Get Wellness tea. My using these is not always scientific, but I've read a lot about some of them, and little about others, and I feel better in the long run.

It could be that only one of these things is what I needed... sleep by far is number 1. By the others don't hurt and don't cost much either. That tea's a little spendy, I guess, but I drink some kind of tea all the time anyway, and that stuff tastes good!

Life Wish Installment Number 2: Meditating

When I think back on my life, meditation has popped up as a resource since I was a very young child. It became most prominent when I had cancer because I had time then to focus on it and lived just a block away from the very dear friend who was teaching me.

When we moved to Vancouver, I kept it going a little with a woman I met there, but it wasn't the same.

Then I moved to Englewood. The shock of that move and of the unbelievable stressful year I then experienced as my first at my current job drove meditation far away. Becoming a mother also affected the way in which I used to "connect" before.

So now it's been over 6 years since I've had a teacher or guide I could trust, but I'm craving it like crazy. In the interim I tried teaching meditation to kids twice along the way (and have incorporated some techniques into my classroom). I have done my own thing, but I want to go deeper. One of the people with whom I ride shared to the Hazon Conference teaches meditation in New York. She gave me some resources and I am particularly eager one of these years to go on a meditation retreat at the Isabella Freedman Center. I don't think I can do it this year, but maybe next. It's right in the middle of the second half of the school year.

I do do some things on my own... I feel self-conscious about listing them just now. And I use little techniques throughout the day almost more for sanity and stability than depth.

What I ultimately crave is feeling aware and connected.

Could I write a lot about this? I feel like there is a book in me with experiences on this path.

Wells

Wow it's been a long time since I've written...

So on Friday night I gave a dvar Torah. Hence the motivation to actually write right now!

I was asked to give the drash to a special minyan. It's a group that gets together now and then to do a Shira Hadasha style minyan, otherwise referred to an inclusive halakhic minyan. In other words, women get to do as much in the service as they possibly can according to halakhic standards.

To prepare for the drash I began by reading Vayetzei, that week's parsha, and discovered the passage about the well. Yaakov encounters a well that is surrounded by shepherds. There is a large stone on the mouth of the well. The shepherds cannot use the well until enough are present to remove the stone. In a show of strength, Yaakov then removes the stone all by himself and accesses the waters.

I decided to look for other recent places in which wells are mentioned. In Toldot we learn about Yitzhak unstopping wells that Avraham had dug, but which had been filled in by Philistines.

And a week before that, in Chayei Sarah, we read of Eliezer seeking a wife for Yitzhak. He knows he has found the right person when he encounters Rivka who opens her jug and the waters of the well actually come to her (according to midrash). She offers chesed to Eliezer in the form of drawing water until neither he nor his camels are thirsty anymore.

Wells are often used as metaphor for Torah. For the purposes of this drash, I focused specifically on accessing water as a way of accessing our relationship with G-d through prayer. Prayer is a simple concept. We speak to G-d to answer our needs. But tefillah is more complicated, especially with the form we use halakhically. How strange it is that we do the same rituals again and again, for many hours, often without even understanding what most of the prayer service means? How can the different personality types near the wells inform us of probable other motivations that bring us to daven at all.

Yaakov represents strength. In him I see the type of person who never misses a chance to daven correctly and at the correct time.

In the shepherds by the well I see a yearning to work together collectively and to be part of a community in accessing the waters of the well.

There is a great deal to be said about Yitzhak unstopping the wells of his father. Firstly, he is not digging new wells, he is accessing the wells of the previous generation, passing down liturgy through the years.

The idea of the wells being stopped can be thought of in many ways. What can stop up wells?
-enemies of the Jewish people
(with this I think of when I went on March of the Living many years ago and watched teenagers who had otherwise lost touch with Judaism, suddenly yearn to daven with the same words as their ancestors who had been collectively murdered)
-distractions like materialism, our work lives etc.
-unfortunately, with getting into a rut. While we may want to access the same wells previous generations did, we can't always do it in quite the same way and may need to reclaim it in a way that is refreshing for us.

Finally there is Rivka... in some ways she's opposite of Yaakov. Instead of using strength to access the waters, she opens herself up. Like a meditator, she has learned to gently receive G-d's blessings. Even better, the result of her ability to do this so gently and gracefully is that she is able to naturally give back chesed to the world. Her choice to access the waters benefits the entire world.

I find all of these elements and motivations within myself in different combinations at different times. If I am capable of feeling all of them, so are many. This reflects the wide diversity of ways in which halakhic Jews can be motivated to come together and daven. With such diversity of ways, we need a diversity of wells, and for that I'm grateful that there are new options available.

Eulogy

Last week was exhausting. By Friday I actually exploded in the office when I discovered a meeting had been planned without my knowledge. An extremely insightful friend of mine approached me to give me a hug at which point I totally melted down. The truth is, I don't think I gave myself enough emotional space to process my adjustment back to work after Pesach with family. Too many days this week I've caught myself remembering beautiful natural places in Oregon and B.C. and feeling incredible loss.

It doesn't help that I had two intentionally emotional evenings. Sunday night, in honor of Yom Hashoah, I heard a survivor from Sobibor. As part of the program they showed clips from the movie Escape From Sobibor, a movie I saw years ago. I went home feeling haunted and shaky almost more from memories of the movie and clips I didn't see than from what I actually saw and heard that night. Oddly enough, ND woke up right when I came home and was not just awake, but frightened too, easily spooked. I wondered if she sensed what I was feeling.

Then Monday night we had a memorial siyum at my school for  an administrative assistant at our school that died from cancer this year. The memorial was an opportunity for us to have some sort of closure and unity, but also to show her family just how much we cared about Sarah. She was so committed to her work and I was glad we could show how much we valued her, that her hard work was truly appreciated.

I spoke. I wasn't really planning to, but the opportunity presented itself. Several people read things they'd written including their memories of her. I kept mine to a theme and I'd like to record it here even it somewhat abridged. I think my words hit home based on something one of her sons said afterwards, and I'd like to record it here.

One of the things we loved about Sarah was this drawer she had in her desk filled with chocolate that was available for all. By the time I spoke, this drawer had been mentioned many times, so what I said was...

When I'm stressed I have an unfortunate habit of eating, and teaching is a stressful job. When I found out about the drawer, I kept my distance for awhile, but finally discovered Sarah really meant in when she invited us to partake. I think I took more than my share, sometimes 3 or 4 in a day. A few times I bought bags of chocolate to replace it, but it didn't seem necessary. The drawer was always full.

Then after some time the drawer was not so full. After Sarah's funeral I decided I would pay her tribute by buying as much as I could. I bought 5 enormous bags of York Mints and thought how terrific I was to have bought it.

To my surprise, it was all gone within a few days time. I had no idea how much she was putting into that drawer. It was at that point I realized just how much I had received. It was embarrassing. It made me want to become a better, more generous person.

The Other Kind Of Pesach Preparation

I've come to learn over the years that Pesach works best for me if I set spiritual goals. All the chagim work that way, but I find that Pesach is the best for actually acting out a process to meet those goals. For most holidays, I know what the day is about, but then we just eat a lot, show up in shul and read certain sections from Tanakh there. That unfortunately leaves plenty of room for disconnect. At Pesach, we gather at the table with a long set of things to do and lots of time to talk during it about the process... mandated dialogue as well as our own speech. 

I listened this year to a live class on the phone from Simon Jacobson. At the end he spoke about the seder as a 15-part process towards transformation or freedom. On the call he talked a lot about materialism vs. spirituality. I have trouble thinking in those particular phrases because on the surface it seems like just the question of acquiring stuff vs. thinking about G-d. But I think materialism also stands for anything that comes in the way of our loftier goals. 

The past two years, leadership has been a major theme of my life. I've found myself in formal and informal leadership positions and have been uncertain of how to frame my work towards these ends in effective ways. This includes leadership within my 2nd Grade team at work, within two committees at school on which I serve, within trying to bring environmental consciousness to my communities at school at shul and towards helping children and adults both be in-tune with their inner selves. I've met some goals within these realms and failed miserably at others. 

One thing in particular came up recently. At school, someone with whom I work closely did something that was not OK. I found myself worrying about whether to speak about it to her and how. The realization that I needed to speak would be a spiritual realization, because I realized the obligation to do it in order to stand for what was right. The fear would be material, because it was about putting my ego at risk.

In the end, I did it, and it was a successful and meaningful (although uncomfortable) conversation. During our talk it came out that this person looks to me for guidance in many ways and that I had been modeling  some things poorly.

By the end of the day I felt so proud for speaking up, and so enlightened of the power of things I do -- both good and bad -- without thinking about them. I really want to think, this year, about how and when to lead.

It's not easy. I don't want to offend people by being "bossy" and at the same time I can and want to make a difference. Just the other day I was eating in the staff room and remarked that I hadn't had a lunch that I didn't work through for 2 weeks. She said, "but you're the one who taught me never to do that... to always take a break to get you through the day." Once again, I was a teacher and didn't know it.

And when ND and I walked to shul recently, we left the stroller at home. Someone passed us and said, "you're so patient." My response: "This is our time together." Will she remember that? Will that help her be patient and available to a child too?

When Hashem approaches Moshe to lead, Moshe says, "but I stutter." Have I missed opportunities by worrying that I too have a metaphorical stutter? I want to take this to heart as I go into the chag to see how I can let go of some fear and find other meaningful and heartfelt ways to reach out to others in the coming year.

Chag sameach.

Pesach cleaning

This process is truly insane and can ONLY make sense if I view it as some sort of external expression of an internal process of cleaning and preparation. I hope others see that too or we're all wasting our time!

That said, I do kind of like it... for the very reason that I DO find it cleansing.

ND's first haircut

The beginning pictures look a little goofy because she had a mouth full of muffin.

OK. To be honest, I kind of wish we hadn't done it. It's always a little sad to cut off hair. But her hair was getting pretty ratty. It will grow out again by next Pesach, and I kept a few curls.

Kids At The Seder

OK, so this isn't really a real post. It's a place for me to store some information for myself that I ran across on making the seder kid-friendly.

Purim 2010

Having a great Purim so far. For the second year in a row I was the main organizer for the women's megillah reading here. I gave the drash tonight too... 

I spoke about the women at the beginning of the megillah who are forced to be passive as they are drawn into King Achashverosh's palace. Esther, like them, is passive until she learns of the decree to kill the Jews. She says to Mordechai that she doesn't know what she can do. "I haven't been invited to the King in 30 days." She has been well trained to do nothing, say nothing unless invited. When Mordechai says, "Who knows? Perhaps this is the reason you are in the palace," he talks her into taking an active stance and she makes a significant shift.

In megillah, King can refer either to King Achashverosh or to Hashem. So when Esther makes that choice to be active, she is metaphorically leaving the palace of King Achashverosh and actively entering that of Hashem. 

When King Achashverosh looks around at his women, he just sees pretty people. When Hashem looks, he sees individuals each created with a divine and unique purpose. It takes a righteous figure like Mordechai to help Esther see herself in the second palace. 

We can be active and make a difference in our worlds like Esther. We can also help others realize their potential like Mordechai as we make a point of seeing others as created by G-d with a unique mission and purpose. We can reflect that uniqueness back to others to help them realize their potential.

***

Leading up tonight I felt anxious and high-strung. I think that I get very anxious before a holiday about making it amount to everything it could be. ND was licking a Tootsie Pop and it occurred to me that I think of holidays as being like a Tootsie Pop with something precious (more like light in my image actually) deep inside needing to come out. If we do the holiday right, we can get to the chewy center. However, it feels like we just get a few licks before we move on to mundane lives. I often blame this on not having "the right community," by not being able to be both chassidic and "modern" simultaneously, actually. But maybe we are all really trapped in a physical world and it's more in our awareness of the moment that we can find the light. I'm not sure if that's an inherently Jewish concept or not, but it seems like it should be. Otherwise I'm always just painfully frustrated and not being able to achieve spiritual heights.

A way of looking at how to make holidays special is just to think about today. The absolute highlight of my day, Shabbat... came as I was just playing with ND today. I had had a nap and read her a story which we then made into a puppet show. Nothing distracted me because it couldn't. No computers... no phone... That's what Shabbat is on a mundane level...not doing things. But that mundane-ness is what makes special moments possible. I explained that to ND that Shabbat helps make that happen by keeping us from doing certain things. I think I should try to grab less at the holidays and float within more. At the same time, I'm really glad I've been gearing myself up for it for awhile. 

Already getting excited for Pesach next!

Repairing and Reclaiming: An hour with a sewing machine

Purim is coming. Time to figure out the costumes.

I have only ever really wanted one thing for my costume and that is to wear a cloak where I can cover my head mysteriously and have a beautiful cape flowing behind me.

It wasn't until 2003, the year that I coincidentally was diagnosed with cancer, that I discovered that I could dress up as the Elfin character I'm named after in Lord Of The Rings.

Every year I wonder if I should try something else, but I've come to the conclusion that the rest of the year I'm wearing a certain mask by not dressing as my elfin princess, and remove the mask by donning the cloak again.

I bought a cloak last year. Cheap, I admit... it was from a costume store. But it's shimmery white and looks great. Only problem is it was too long and I stepped on it a lot last year.

So today I fearfully pulled out my sewing machine to repair it. I've had this machine for years. I used to take sewing classes and my mother tried many times to teach me this art, and it never quite stuck. I'm not patient enough to measure and cut out patterns carefully. It showed with the work I did today, hurriedly pinning but not always in the right spot.

However, I love using the machine. I love the hum. I love the efficiency. When I run it, I feel wise and connected with my mother and, by extension, any other millions of women before me who had this as part of their life's work.

The truth is, I feel alienated by the fact that it doesn't fit me entirely. I feel guilty and sad that I might not be able to pass on this aspect of my own childhood to ND. As I sewed, I found myself wondering if someday when I'm retired (G-d willing) I would re-embrace this. And I know I probably won't.

There are a multitude of ways I could be, could spend my time whether I have less of it or more, but there is only one lifetime in which to do it.

I'm happy to use this machine once and awhile. I'm happy to accept that I am clumsy at it. It is not my art. Writing is.

So that's why I absolutely had to sit down here now and take this experience and turn it into the art that is eternally mine.

And on Purim, I'll be my elfin self again, and not step on the hem so much.

Vayishlach

This is a copy of the drash I'm giving this week at my shul. I'm open to comments, though I'm giving this verbally, not in written form. So don't worry about little edits....

One of the consequences, for better or for worse, of being the daughter of a psychiatrist is that you get drawn to dramatic images of the psyche. As a result, Vayishlach holds one of my favorite scenes in the Torah of Yaacov wrestling with the angel. This takes place the night before Yaacov is to meet up with his brother, Esau, who at last encounter wanted to kill him. Tnd the angel represents a profound inner struggle for Yaacov.
Let’s step back for a moment and consider Yaacov and Esau’s origins. Yaacov was “a wholesome man, abiding in tents.” He spent his days learning Torah and investing in the spiritual world. By contrast, Esau “became a man who knows trapping, a man of the field.” He knew the ways of the world and how to get whatever he wanted. In essence, Yaacov’s life was a humble one whereas Esau’s was one of acquisition and materialism.
Between that introduction to their characters and the night of Yaacov’s wrestling match, Yaacov has undergone some dramatic shifting in character. During his time with Laban, he has become quite skilled with deception and has acquired a great deal of wealth in the process, much like his brother, “the man who knows trapping.” His gift to Esau alone included 200 she-goats, 20 he-goats, 200 ewes and 20 rams, 30 nursing camels and their young, 40 cows, 10 bulls, 20 she-donkeys and 10 he-donkeys.
Rashi provides us with a strange insight. “Yaacov was left alone and a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn.” In reference to the phrase, “And Yaacov was left,” Rashi says “He had forgotten some small jars and went back for them.” Rashi notes that “from here we see that the righteous treat their property with care.” It is exceptional that a man of such great wealth would take the care to show respect for a few items that were basically disposable. He has everything he needs in this world, but doesn’t want to give up his humble beginnings of someone for whom basic items are precious. Ironically, the righteous aspect of Yaacov that is less materialistic is the side that shows greater sensitivity to conserving the material that he has acquired.
Yaacov is a spiritual person who has had to learn how to be materialistic. As he wrestles with this angel he is struggling with how he can he reconcile the two sides, having a stake in both the material and spiritual world without losing out on what he needs from either. Who is he now?

I’d like to share two contemporary stories of this same struggle.

My grandmother grew up in the south during the Depression. She has modestly told me stories about what it was like living in those days and how to she had to pick cotton or find any other work she could even at shamefully unfair wages to help support her family. The hardest part of this, she tells me, was that the other children made fun of her for not having shoes. Thankfully those times are long past, and as a result, she loves shoes and has a closet filled with them. The shoes in her closet mean something. They are a celebration of no longer living in poverty, but a reminder too of humble beginnings.
Now I, two generations later, have never had to worry about going barefoot. I am grateful for never having had to face times like Meemau did, and shoes don’t mean a whole lot to me other than being a necessary item I wear everyday and, frankly, a bit of clutter that I need to deal with.

Another story... In the weeks before Thanksgiving we were studying Native Americans in my second grade classroom. We had the opportunity to invite a woman, actually the aunt of one of my students, who has spent some time with Jewish teenagers working on a Navajo reservation in the Southwest. She came to a room full of 80 second graders and asked them what do they do when it rains. They all said of course that they have to have inside recess and I’m sure most of them are used to complaining when it’s raining outside.
Then she described to us that one summer she was present for a rainstorm when there hadn’t been rain for a full 5 months. She said that whenever the rain comes, the people go to the Hogan which she described to the children as being like a shul, and sit on the earth floor and listen silently during the duration of the entire storm. The children were affected by what she told them but I’m sure can never fully internalize what that really means, to not know you’ll have enough water to drink, to wash with, to cook with, to water your crops. When water comes out of the tap in abundance, how can we teach the importance of not wasting it? How can we internalize that the world faces major water shortage, even when we see a rainfall

My question today is... if we are living in a time and in a geographic area of relative abundance, how can we retain an understanding of preciousness and a respect to the material things in our life that we are so fortunate to have. How can we be Yaacov, cultivating humility in a materialistic world and apparent abundance, and not Esau who just consumes. How can we pass that concept on to our children?

Next week is Channukah, a holiday about a war that left the temple in ruins without even enough olive oil to keep the menorah lit. Hashem sent a miracle and the oil burned as long as was needed.
An abundance of oil means nothing if you don’t know how precious it is. This holiday is an opportunity to explore what it means to have something be precious.

I’d like to suggest one thing that is precious to everyone in the world, whether or not you are blessed with material wealth and whether or not you have an abundance of natural resources. Every single person faces limitations in time. Every night of Channukah we light the candles and are given a small window of time that is as precious as shoes for someone who is barefoot, or water for someone who is thirsty. If we can use that time to be active with our family and do something special each night, if we can remember to make those moments matter, I think we can gain quite a lot of insight. Not only do we get the joy from having that time together, but we can train ourselves to use the objects and resources in our world with the care that they warrant.

Yaacov found balance and prevailed in his struggle between taking on material abundance and still retaining a responsible and spiritual sense of how to interact with the physical world. Now, thousands of years later, our choice to prevail in the same battle has the potential of making him proud.

Shabbat Shalom and Happy Channukah

Shanah Tovah

So much blogging to catch up on...

Since a couple of posts ago was kind of sad, I'll just follow up with that. Every morning ND has cried, "I don't want to go to school," gradually has cried less and less until not at all at school. The past two days she was clearly happy. This morning she said, "I don't want to go to school" again, but smiled when she said and waited for me to say, "Oh, come on, yes you do. You're teasing me."

Also, my mom has a custom of making challah doves for Rosh Hashanah. I was doing the challah too early to call and ask for help, so I improvised a little.

A good year to everyone!

First Trip Away From ND

U. is giving ND a bath, so at least I have a moment to catch up on a few personal things.

First, I went ahead and updated my Ginat Kesher blog today after a lovely though tiny tzedakah experience.

I got an email from a friend asking about a particular Portland (or rather, Vancouver, experience) so let me write it up now...

So my trip to Portland was almost 3 weeks long. I timed it to help me get to a friend's wedding on August 9th in Vancouver. The original plan was to drive up some time during that previous week and revisit good old Vancouver where U. and I lived the year before we moved to Englewood. But between one thing and another (including U's inability to join me) it began to seem too stressful to do this trip with ND. So finally I made a radical decision to ask my parents to watch her for the night while I flew up to Vancouver just for the wedding and fly back.

They agreed and we timed it so that I was up around 4:30 AM on Sunday to get ready, wake up ND, nurse with her, say my goodbyes and get a ride from my dad to the airport. The flight was to land at 10:50. The preliminary wedding things (tisch etc.) would be at 11. The chuppah would be at 12:30. My plan was that after the wedding I'd hit my favorite personal spot in Vancouver, Van Dusen Garden. I had other favorite spots too, but that in particular I visited frequently enough to buy myself a membership, and I usually went alone. The other places I'd love to revisit, I would be a little sad to do without U.

Then I'd get back to the hotel and up again Monday morning at 4:30, get to the airport and meet my mom and ND in the airport before a 1:30 PM flight back to Newark, NJ.

Packing was very complicated. I had to do it on Friday and packed things in all different places depending on whether ND would need them during her stay with my parents, whether I would need it in Vancouver, whether it needed to go into a suitcase or could be shipped. (I brought a lot of stuff, both old and new, from Portland this year.)

I worried/thought about this trip a great deal in advance, and at first it kept me up at night a little. But even then, I don't think I doubted its feasibility... I just wasn't sure how best to make it work. I've NEVER been away from ND overnight. I've rarely even missed a bedtime and she often wants me close during the night. But we prepared as best as we could, talking it through in advance and with me tutoring my parents on tricks to help her out.

Goodbye was hard, but not wrenching, and I reminded her I'd be back. My biggest fear was that my plane would crash or that something would happen to her while I was out of reach. But, thank G-d, neither of those things happened.

When I flew into Van it took me a 1/2 hour to get through customs. This was particularly frustrating as I had, at one point, a choice to get out of one line and into another, but stayed put only to find I was stuck between a group of Asian visiting students who didn't speak English and therefore needed attention. It was cute to see their workbooks helping them guide them through the customs process and see their teacher helping them through. I felt excited for them, to be honest, but I needed to get where I was going.

Once through I jumped into a cab and we hit Oak street, the central street on which I once lived, went to shul and used as my main artery for everything useful during our year there. We passed the turn-off for my old workplace and then pulled up to a temple that I'd passed but never been in.

I was there exactly at noon, just as the men were getting up from the "tisch" and having pictures taken. I immediately found my friend, CK from Oberlin who was taking pictures too, and we caught the eye of my groom-friend, BZ. He saw me and I could tell he was glad I came. That look made it all worth while.

Meanwhile, ND was doing just fine back with my folks, visiting the zoo, park etc.

I had a great time, talking with CK and her husband, JK, both very dear friends from my best times at Oberlin. And the wedding went on LONG. They were still dancing at 8 PM!!! CK and JK left for the airport at 7ish and by then I slipped away. There was no way I could make it to the garden, but I did get a glimpse of the mountains from the rooftop of the hotel where there was a lovely terrace.

AND... I went to the bar and had a beer and read a book for half an hour. What a joy!!! Just to sit in quiet and in public and to read and not worry about drinking and driving, but just to go up to my room after.

The night was tough. I guess I was a little worried. I called home and knew that ND was having a very rough bedtime. I knew there was nothing I could do, so I tried to just relax. But I was in a strange room and the night stretched on and on with me only getting a few hours sleep and while I suffered from the pain of not nursing. (Yes, we're still going strong.)

When we met up at the airport, she was sleeping after a long sleepless night for everyone, but, when she awoke, she was only about as happy as ever to see me... no more, no less. It felt natural to come together again instead of desperate as I'd imagined.

The best part of that day was actually seeing her see her Dad again when we FINALLY arrived back in Newark at midnight. She was in her car seat/stroller and began kicking when he drove up and practically flew into the car when I unbuckled her and opened the door. What a look as she hugged him around the neck after those 3 weeks away... so much more than my single night.

Either way, I'm glad we're back together again, and home.