Pain

When I had cancer, I remember being quite certain that it was harder for those around me than for myself. I knew I could manage the pain and problems that came with the treatments, but all my family and friends could do was watch me go through it.

Well, now that I'm a mother, I'm starting to get a tiny -- thank G-d it's so tiny -- taste of that. Three times now ND has been hurt in my care. Once was a snap pinching her skin, once was a fingernail clipping mishap (--both of those of course triggered my guilt button pretty heavily --) and today she got her first shots.

We've been researching vaccines pretty heavily, trying to decide what is most appropriate and safe for ND. (It's much more complicated than I thought. There are some vaccines that are important but which can come when she's older, others that are unnecessary but still considered worthwhile etc.) Well. today after a talk with the doctor, we started the first ones. I held her hand and looked close to her sweet smiling face as the nurse did THREE injections. For each, ND screwed up her face and screamed. The second was the worst... she opened her mouth wide, but no sound came out for a moment as she adjusted to the shock of that needle in her leg. But truthfully, the whole thing went very fast, and she didn't cry at all once it was over. Good for her. Such a trooper! I think she's a little sore tonight, but otherwise she seemed to completely forget about the pain the moment the process was over.

I, on the other hand, cried for a long time. The instant the final needle came out she was in my arms and I was ready to nurse her. But I was gushing so much milk that she had to pull off to get air and I continued to leak heavily.