Shifting

Last night was the end-of-the-year party for the teachers at my school. I was really looking forward to it, but 45 minutes before it began, there was an enormous storm outside. Meanwhile, ND was very agitated and U. got nervous about how to make her happy while I was gone. So I decided not to go. Instead we finished watching Into The Wild.

The movie left me, as I expected, upset and unsettled and I had a very hard time going to sleep last night. I don't know why it hits me so deeply. I suppose it has to do with imagining a person's last thoughts before death, particularly after his having made such significantly unnecessary mistakes. The quality of real-live-legend also overwhelms me somehow.

So this morning I am up and continuing to feel a deep need of some kind, unsure what it is. I'm sad I missed the party last night. I suspect I would have enjoyed it. On the other hand, once I decided to stay home last night I felt it was probably where I belonged... that I wanted to have a quiet time with my family. The grass is always greener on either end of Route 4.

Is this about the end of the year? The total change in routine, expectation and social network? I don't see my teacher friends over the summer much. Am I worried about being lonely? Or am I glad to be at this point? I guess all of it.

Meanwhile, today is our 7 year anniversary. I spent my uneasy hours last night at the computer trying to decide 7 songs I could buy from ITunes for us in honor of our 7 years.

But then, we don't have a plan for tonight either. We're always bad about that... not planning our special days, but I definitely want to mark it.

My meditation theme since Pesach has had to do with letting go and allowing things to happen rather than grasping. I see I still need that focus very much.