I Like Cleaning For Pesach

I admit it.

And yes, of course it's spiritual quest for me. (What isn't?)

This year is especially interesting as we're planning for our own exodus from renting and apartment living into owning and house living.

Everyone says we should have moved before Pesach, but this is working just fine... I'm boxing things as I clean and seeing the apartment emptied more and more by clutter and reduced instead into boxes and even neatness in some places. (Having the housekeeper come yesterday REALLY helped.)

Emptying out chometz is supposed to be like emptying out ego. For me this year it's working on more general letting go. There are many things both physical and otherwise that I hang onto out of a panic of how I might feel if I lost them, out of holding tight to the past, or out of a delusional concept that I might use them in the future though the evidence points otherwise.

I'm not good at getting rid of physical things, and there will still be plenty of clutter even after we move in, but I'm hoping to keep most of it in a single room ... my office... where I can continue to keep or not keep things at my choice without it affecting the rest of the house and household.

One thing I've been wanting to write about a lot is some recent questing I've been doing. I need to touch on this more later, but briefly... I've been straying a little and reading a lot about spiritual paths other than Judaism. I fully believe that Judaism has within it everything I need, but I am having trouble finding the texts. So as I read some other things, mainly After The Ecstasy, The Laundry

A moment just to talk about the book. It is written by a Buddhist teacher but is more of an anthology of quotations from people in all spiritual traditions. Part of what I love about it is that it demystifies a lot about mysticism, you could say. He's honest about how people are sometimes betrayed by corrupt spiritual leaders, and that once "enlightened," a person may still have terrible times with relationships etc. In any case, it is a book that validates my recent desire to leave as spiritual of a life as I can, but always understanding it will be within the context of family and a busy life, not some ascetic quest into the wilderness. This is, at its core, very much of what Judaism is about in away that other traditions sometimes neglect.

Some of the most meaningful things he says in the book he says within a non-Jewish context, but most I can then translate into Judaism terms for myself. For example, when he talks about people reaching a point of accepting that all in the world is really G-d (and even sometimes talks about this in terms of love from an individual that Christians have claimed as messiah) I can still translate into, "Oh, that's like the Shema... The Lord our G-d, the Lord is One."

So here I am cleaning for Pesach. Almost every person I interact with on a daily basis is also cleaning for Pesach. For many it's stressful (including me). For some it's silly. For some it's mysterious. For some it's an opportunity for spring cleaning. For some it's because the community expects it. There are many other ways in which people approach it.

For me it's trying to prepare a blank slate within myself and my home, much like at Rosh Hashanah, but with the physical act helping so much more. It's a chance to prepare a vessel to receive blessings in any form from Hashem. By "in any form" I mean, blessings that are obviously good and blessings that may take soul-searching to determine as good.

One last thought... in addition to preparing myself to receive blessing (which I'll write about more in another entry), I also want to be more in the moment. How else can I receive if I'm not there to do it?

An example is of course any moment I'm with ND. Sometimes I grasp at moments. Grasp is a term used often in the book I mention above. I want to appreciate every second with her, so I sit with her and feel a desperation that the moment is passing and will never come back. On the other extreme are the times when I'm focused on other work and can't give her attention but feel guilty about it, afraid I'll lose this moment in her life. With both of these, the way I behave with her is the same. She other gets attention or she doesn't. But if I can receive the moments openly, they have a more timeless quality, more expansive. There is more appreciation and yet less fear of loss.

We are here.