Post-Yom Kippur

I thought a lot this Yom Kippur about brokenness and imperfection... the fact that we can never finish everything we try to do, that we make the same mistakes again and again, that the slate can never really be wiped completely clean and that Hashem, instead, is perfect.

I had a good morning davening but couldn't help the fact that I felt like something was wrong.

Sure enough, as we were walking home from Mussaf I began to cough. When we got home and I laid down on the couch, the coughing became violent and I realized I had the beginning of chest infection left over from last week's cold.

I didn't see it coming. On Wednesday I even went for a bike ride and was feeling great and on top of things before the holiday started.

Now I'm home sick again.

Someone last week, after having heard me a million types in the past talk about how I feel when I was sick, said, "I bet you're feeling guilty, aren't you?"

Yes I am, and yes I'm still sick of it.

Change is so minimal, change in attitude, behavior, our relationships in the world... one teeny tiny step per year. Even so I feel successful with the changes I've had in my closer relationships with people in the world. But illness I can't seem to change no matter how many supplements I take, how careful I am about food, how much sleep I get. Maybe I'm a little healthier than I used to be. But the emotional abuse I heap on myself when I'm sick doesn't change either.

What am I supposed to learn from this?

On top of this, I wasn't able to really think about Sukkot clearly until Yom Kippur was out of the way, now it's just days away. Another thing I'm trying hard to change is to have people over more often as a way of reaching out to the world more bravely. But guess what, so far no guests. I'll take a last minute stab at it today and see if I can get somebody for the first lunch.

But first I'm going to be smart and go lie down.