The Greater Irresponsibility

I obsess enough when it's about me. Will it be worse or better with my daughter?

2 nights ago ND began to show some congestion at night and needed help blowing her nose. (She thinks it's hysterical when she does this, by the way.) Yesterday I asked her teachers if she sounded congested or had a drippy nose. They said no, but I could see she had stuff on her face and that her voice sounded different.

She fell asleep on the way home and didn't wake up until about 9:30 PM when she woke up and wanted to party with us until about 11 as I was cooking. She was very congested, clammy and a little grumpy. She even tried to hit me a few times.

I wrote to my supervisor and assistant that I might not make it in today. But still got up bright and early, showered and dressed. ND didn't wake up easily at 7:00 and I began to weigh my options.

If I wake her up and take her to school:
she may get worse.
she may infect other kids at school.
I may have to pick her up later in the day anyway.

If I stay home with her:
I will not be able to go to work, even if she is fine after all.

It's Friday. It shouldn't matter that much whether I go in or not. Fridays go by fast and, in fact, end at 1:30 instead of 3:30. The plans are fairly simple for today though I still have to tell them to my assistant when she gets to school.

But so much weight comes from the usual worry about what people think... or simply that I have one more day on my record of not coming to school. Our school makes a point of not providing a limited number of sick days with the assumption that, if we can be there, we will be, and that often there are times when it's not possible.

I'm grateful for the policy because, at least in theory, it really understands that things go wrong sometimes and that teachers, especially those who are also parents, need that flexibility.

And yet when my supervisor says on the phone, "Well, I'm glad it's Friday," I feel this disapproval that I shouldn't be putting my mother role first and should instead be pushing this little unhealthy two-year old body through the day and, in fact, should make her tough it out.

I know that was never her intention, but somehow I haven't completely convinced my heart to understand it too.

I have an Israeli friend who was out for 3 1/2 days this week on doctor's orders. This is a friend who really compliments me when I take off time that I need and put the right values first. (As another friend said, the only place in my life in which I am truly indispensable is in the family.) Her taking that time, and her attitude, reassures me that OF COURSE I'm doing the right thing. I'd like to to reassure others that same way.

And I'd like to add... we were just in anecdotal writing season. Teachers who write a certain number are allowed to take one day off from school to work on it. But after ND's ER day and 1 consecutive sick day with her, plus my being away for a conference FOR THE SCHOOL, I agreed not to take my anecdotal day.

Spending today at home is disappointing, but totally justified, and I accept that part of who I am requires that I obsess about this to you.

(And one last thought as I get off the phone with my assistant... she said to me recently that once I make a decision I should just stick with it. This has been a constant theme in my life. But still, until ND actually wakes up and shows me how she is feeling, I'm not ruling out going in a little late today. I'm still in my nice clothes, after all!)