Another Drash: Ki Tissa

After last week's post-Purim post I have been getting antsy to figure out how to improve my shul relationship before Pesach. I have been thinking and talking to people about this and I'm happy to say, Hashem has been giving me some fabulous signs.

But first, the drash...

I always forget that Ki Tissa contains within it one of my very favorite moments in all of Torah.

The story:

1. Moshe is about to bring down the luchot (the 10 commandments) when Hashem gets angry and says the people have messed up and have created the golden calf. Moshe calms down Hashem and asks for the people's forgiveness.

2. Moshe goes down and actually sees what the people are doing. He is so upset that he breaks the luchot and argues with Hashem about having to lead these people.

3. Moshe asks to see Hashem's glory. Hashem protects him with a cloud (like the mask I talked about in the last drash... covering a part of Hashem with another part of Hashem) then passes by.

4. Hashem recites to Moshe his own attributes of mercy.

5. Moshe then goes back down to the people with a new set of luchot, his face glowing.

I love this so much... they seem like a married couple. One is up when the other is down when trying to figure out how to parent these difficult children, and then there is this incredible moment of intimacy.

What I never really thought about before is that it ends with Hashem teaching Moshe that forgiveness and, I think, love are the tools they both need to lead.

Lately I've been totally fed up with my shul. It contains some lovely people who I like very much and who can create a certain sense of commuity for each other. But it's no secret that it's a highly materialistic community. Very boys' club-ish and with very little concern for either halakhah and spirituality. That's not to say that they do anything un-halakhic, but I don't really get anything out of going to shul.

I spoke to a good and wise friend about this recently and told her that when I go to shul I just think angry and judgemental thoughts. She said, "Then don't go to shul." That permission was great and I think I'm going to stay away from there for awhile.

But I want SOMETHING. Not every week, but I'd like somewhere to go to feel a little lift from someone else. The best of all worlds would include finding a friend with whom I could study Torah on Shabbat one on one.

Also, I have been reminiscing so much about Portland and how it is hard work to be Jewish there. So I decided maybe I needed some hard work.

So yesterday I walked to the Chabad in the neighboring town called Tenafly. I had been there for the morning megillah reading and felt braver about going into a place I had at least seen before. U. wasn't feeling great but didn't mind staying home with ND.

The walk took 35 minutes at a brisk pace. I'm a little sore today. The place is not a perfect fit for me. I didn't get a chance to talk to anyone. The davening took a LONG time and I wanted to get back home so I skipped out before Kiddush.

But it was lovely. The davening was sincere and inspiring. The rabbi spoke a number of times too. Most of what he said contained so much kavannah. It also was inherently sexist, anti-non-Jew and several other things that are not modern ways of thinking. But I could see the fire behind and within it. I didn't have to listen to every word, just take the sentiment.

I'd like to go back for important things now. I'd like to stay home on most Shabboses and go to Chabad when what I'm looking for is a communal spiritual experience, or rather, one brought on by an external community. I won't go there regularly because it IS too long for me to sit and I WILL get frustrated with the community if I get to know it too well.

But in the meantime, I have the opportunity to forgive my other community for what it isn't and to just consider them friends again.