4 Weeks and Change... lots of change

(I wrote this post Sunday night but was unable to publish until this morning.)

We had our first of three birthing classes last Sunday, the second one today. It's six hours per session which is exhausting and sometimes I feel quite antsy to be more active, but it's definitely filled with useful information. Most of the time is spent discussing the process of labor and asking real biological questions and experimenting with birthing positions. It's not the stereotypical sort of class in which you sit on the floor and practice breathing. Today the teacher says her experience is that we'll know how to breathe when the time comes. There are only two of us couples in the class so we really get to tailor it to what we need and want.

Even before the last class I was beginning to feel quite frantic with the ticking clock and the lists of things to do including:

Prepare some skeleton of a baby's room
Get a new couch because we really hate the one we have and know we won't have time to deal with this again later.
Get odds and ends that I'll need and want in the hospital.
Line up a doula.
Prepare lesson plans for my substitute and assistant.
Write a skeleton of anecdotal report cards so the rest can be filled in and revised later with less work.

We've mostly been avoiding getting things for the baby and baby's room until now... it's traditional not to. But now we just really NEED to do it for our own sanity.

In any case, as I said, I was starting to feel crazy about a week ago and went into overdrive. What do you know, but by Monday I had a cold. So the frantic feelings were actually a warning sign. (As were the cravings for sugar, pepperoncini and citrus.) But it's been awhile - Thank G-d! - since I've felt sick. I had a small cold for a day or two right before Yom Kippur and earlier in the summer, but other than that haven't really felt bad since Pesach! And then I was dealing with first trimester nausea, fatigue etc. and couldn't tell what was pregnancy and what was antibiotics. Also, I'm convinced that cold came on because my body wanted me to stop work and just process the new reality a little better.

In any case, remember how sick I was all of last year? Pregnant ladies tend to have weakened immune systems, and yet I'm doing better. My best guess is that the thought of becoming a mother makes me actually feel less stress about the other components of my life. Sure, I will have MUCH more to do soon, but nothing is as important as what I'm about to do. From the very first weeks of my pregnancy people remarked that I looked calmer. Can I keep this up afterwards too?

I'm terrified much more about returning to work after the birth than anything else. Guilt, fear, worry etc. But if I can keep my priorities straight than I hope I can blow off some of the "little" annoyances that push me over the edge much more than the things about work that really matter.

All these years I've wrestled with a ridiculous guilt for taking the time that I do to focus on ME and being introspective, caring for myself, meditating etc. Along the way I've seen it makes a difference to other people in my life that I do these things. I'm easier to be around and am much more present and able to help them. But now I hope will really be the big payoff and that I can be... well... a MOTHER to the best of my abilities.