Post-Party Pictures

Had that remission day party I wrote about. It was as wonderful as I'd hoped and I'm going to try here to actually post my first video on the blog. We are singing (and clapping) very quietly because elsewhere in the house there are baby twins and a four-year old sleeping. The cake is Ben & Jerry's Phish Food (carefully chosen by sampling several of the stores flavors) and we are drinking non-alcoholic Martinelli's apple cider. So don't worry about that.



It turns out that D. has been in remission for 11 years. I have been for 3. He was diagnosed at 23. I was diagnosed at 26. He faced recurrences. I, thank G-d, have not.

We talked about a lot of things tonight related to our cancer-experiences including diagnosis, treatment, hair loss and how cancer did or did not change our lives. For example, as M., (the hostess) put it tonight, our personalities themselves didn't change. But there are changes nonetheless.

For D., his experience led him to a different career. For me, it lead to a change in how I interact with some people in my life and a greater willingness to speak to people going through difficult challenges that are hard for me to watch (such as illness or loss).

I guess I thought the changes would be even greater. I think I believed I would never wake up crabby again because I'd always be so grateful to be alive. I do have a huge appreciation for life, but I'm not constantly aware of it. How can anyone? On the other hand, though I've always been impatient with pettier things in life, that impatience has grown a bit. Shortly after the cancer I went through a dark, angry and bitter stage. During that time I had no patience at all for other people's daily concerns, including the very valid concerns that my 3rd graders had about what time snack was etc. It took me time to re-realize the importance of those everyday things. But I still think spending lots of money on clothes, for example, is stupid.

But whatever... everything is taking on a new light with this pregnancy. Near the beginning of it, I found all of these parallels: The length of pregnancy is the same length as my cancer treatment was. The baby is due around the time my radiation treatment was finished... etc. etc. But what I told U. when I first was pointing these parallels out, was that the most important realization of all, is that I no longer cared about the parallels. I'm living post-cancer, but I'm not living in a post-cancer head anymore. If I've grown at all, great. But I no longer have to be conscious of it. I don't have to tell my story all the time. I rarely have the desire or even need to milk people for sympathy anymore. I still love attention, but now I'm getting it from something happier and something that more people have experienced instead of monopolizing on having a rare and scary experience.