Internal Haman

It's Purim night. I hope to do a second installment tomorrow with pictures.

But in the meantime, ND is sleeping (and nursing) in my lap as I type.

I just got home from the women's megillah reading. I read again this year, my fifth time ever. It was the first time for this section.

I did an AWESOME job.

I really did. I slowed down and was really clear.

During the reading, what stuck out for me (among other things) was the moment when Haman (the villain) comes home bragging to his wife about the honors bestowed on him by the king and the favoritism showed by the queen, but that he can't be happy as long as that Mordechai is around.

I think this is something we really struggle with on a daily basis. Blessings abound. REAL ones. Not honor from a false king. But sometimes just one thing will NAG at us. This happened to me this morning. I got an email with some negative feedback on something I was proud of but for which I actually had asked for the feedback. I got really angry for awhile until I was ready to look at it again with fresh eyes.

Tonight too. I love the women's megillah reading. I always do. It's a respectful crowd. The women and girls are dressed in awesome costumes, but they really listen quietly without interruption. As I said, I read really well and am proud of myself. I even got a good laugh for my costume... (pictures later).

But then afterwards...

one person complimented me by remarking how far I've come in my ability to read. So instantly I thought, "I was that bad before?"

But then, more importantly, I suddenly found I had no one else to talk to. The few people who had been there that I would call friends had already gone and most of the others are like strangers to me, even if I know and like them.

I'm not like Haman in that:

1. I'm asking for friendship, not honor.
2. I'm still proud and happy about tonight.

Best of all, I can look forward to tomorrow. I have low expectations for the shul seudah, but I hinted my way into someone else's seudah later in the day. I am much closer with my colleagues than with my shul community, and this is one of those. More than that, she's deep and fun at the same time. A good, Sephardic true Israeli friend.