24 weeks

24 weeks pregnant today which means in a week I'll be enterring the 6th month.

Had a bit of a meltdown tonight of the I-don't-think-I-can-do-this variety.

With the summer almost over, school about to start again, the fact that I've done barely any writing lately even with my supposed freetime,* recent feelings that I'm not good at my job and finally, the invevitability of trying to continue my life but with an addition of a needy baby, I'm scared. How will I ever find time to do the things I need and want to do again?

(*I have to keep reminding myself that despite the fact that this is summer "vacation" I have been working about 25 hours/week.)

All this started manifesting itself with a quick unscheduled detour to the Nature Center this afternoon. (I watched the polywogs.) Then, this evening, though I'd told myself I would write, I took a spontaneous and necessary trip to Ben & Jerry's. While there I called a friend who asked me how I'm doing with the pregnancy and I gradually started feeling worse and worse until I came home and had a full-blown meltdown.

That's why I'm writing this over an hour past my "bedtime."

A helpful memory right now:

Before I was offered my first teaching job, I had a similar meltdown and told U. I didn't think I could be a full-time teacher. He said that the alternative, not getting a job, would probably be far worse.

I think the same applies now. I don't know at all yet how I'm going to make this work, but the alternative isn't good. So I have no choice but to have faith in myself and wait to see what happens. Besides, above where I say, "How will I ever find time to do the things I need and want to do again?" I guess that being a mother is just another thing I need and want. Maybe I'll hire a cleaning person.