Got my voice back

No, I didn't actually lose my voice. In fact, the sickness I talked about two entries ago went away very quickly. Not worrying about it, resting a lot and not having to be at my regular job seems to really help!

I mean something else in my title about the voice... bear with me.

I always call my parents on Fridays before Shabbat and my dad remarked today that I sound really good. He also remarked that he got caught up on my blog recently and that I sounded really unhappy. It's true. I was. But I think I've found a good solution for now.

Tisha B'Av was yesterday and the night before.

(Quick note: I did fast the whole 25 hours except that I drank lots of water. I did very very well until afterwards. Once I'd eaten I almost fainted, but now I'm fine.)

On Tisha B'Av night I found myself, as always on this day, feeling very sad but not necessarily about the loss of the temple. I found myself tapping into the sadness I've had lately which is basically loneliness, yearning to be with people, and yet impatient with the people around me and at the same time fearful of rejection. I felt the resentment that has been building from living in a wealthy community and from having a hard year at my job and from not having close friends yet here and more.

So as I was feeling that sadness I tried to open up to and find how it could connect to Tisha B'Av, and what I found was that I've let myself become poisoned by negative feelings and that those feelings are separating me from people. In other, words, I've stopped loving the Jews around me. This is exactly what they say caused the destruction of the second Temple.

In addition, there are so many others out there who feel the same, and meanwhile Israel is in a major crisis.

So I resolved that I wanted to purify that negativity, that that is the one thing I could do right now to help both me and, in a mystical kind of way, the whole Jewish people. (If everyone works on themselves, we can't help but grow stronger and more graceful.)

It's not an easy process and I fully expect it to take, not just Tisha B'Av, but all the time leading up to Yom Kippur and then again and again for the rest of my life to fulfill. But I worked on it hard yesterday. I meditated intently once and I set an alarm on my watch to go off on the hour, and every time I did, there was a phrase I said to myself to remind me. I took a few seconds each hour to just check my heart and my thoughts and see what was there.

Then, ironically, I found myself doing something that almost seemed contrary...

See, lately I have been keeping silent about a lot of things. In my summer job I often don't speak up to the people who are working for me to let them know what needs to be done and. I don't want to "boss them around," but then I lie awake at night getting upset about things they didn't do. I've also had some other confusing interactions with people recently and have been afraid to talk to them for fear of offending or making myself look bad. Finally, there is a person whose words I often read into and who frequently says things that anger me.

Well, yesterday and today I began speaking up to all of those people. I'm becoming clearer with my assistants. I apologized to someone on the phone in the hopes of clarifying a misunderstanding. I confronted someone who said something to me that I found inappropriate and I received an appropriate reply.

None of this was easy, but it was easier than I expected. Now I feel great and I LIKE all these people so much more today!

Now, if we can just stop this war...