More feelings

Had a difficult Shabbat. Raging feelings of loneliness. It's not unlike me to feel this way in the world as I always tend to overthink my friendships with people and feel afraid to reach out, but the pregnancy doesn't help both in terms of hormones and fear of isolation.

Some other factors:

My schedule is wonky right now. I work very hard from 9-1 each day running a backyard camp for about 9 2-year olds, and then come home to nap and find myself with an empty afternoon and no car. (U. thankfully has a new job 3 days a week upstate which leaves me a little stranded.) Yes, I could bus, but it has been quite muggy and there are not that many places worth going to unless I know I can see someone. I'm finding it more and more difficult just to walk places, heat or no heat. Also, I have a lot of things at home I keep telling myself I want to do, but it's hard to just be home alone. I don't think I'll ever be good at it.

Was stood up by a friend this week. I'm sure it was for a good reason, but I haven't heard what yet.

Have not been sure who to call to invite to do things with. Trying to be braver about this. At least I have a few more things scheduled this week including my first real learning session with a new Torah partner, a writer's group at the library, and hopefully a prenatal yoga class.

Sometimes I feel like the only way people can relate to me in shul is that I take care of their children. And I realized that of the 4 of us at shul that I know are teachers, I'm the only one who works with kids from the shul itself. I suppose it's better than not being noticed, but I take on a different role as the children's teacher than as another shul member. Both plusses and minuses to this, I suppose. On one hand, I think the parents are grateful for the work I do. On the other, I can't help but think they all know teaching doesn't pay too well, and I'm not sure if that in any way lessens the respect I receive. (The opposite question of course is whether or not I respect them enough for NOT working with children.)

In any case, I allowed the lonely feelings to go through, and U. was a good listener. He certainly is an antidote for loneliness, but I need women friends too, and in person, not just online. In any case, I'm feeling better at least for now. After Shabbat U. showed me this new Where The Hell Is Matt? video roaming the web that just seems gloriously cheerful to me.