Day By Day

My goodness this little girl eats a lot! And already she's growing. We have been very fortunate that breastfeeding is going well. It's much more painful than I suspected, but my milk production is fantastic, as is her latch.

And as for pain... one of the things that has been remarkable about this whole experience is the subject and experience of purposeful pain. I feel very fortunate to have had the natural birth that I hope to write about in greater detail at another time. One reason is that I think it is a very powerful, and in fact very feminine, quality to work through pain. During my labor I knew I couldn't fight, hide or conquer pain. Instead it was like swimming through it with the constant need to tell myself that I was doing it well and that G-d would help me through it. (Although, I did have a period during the labor during which I was pretty ticked off that this is the way G-d organized it.)

The technique worked beautifully, and now I need it to a lesser extent with the feedings. We have a joke here that in movies, there are always birds chirping away happily during breastfeeding. So here in our house we have the "Ow" Bird that comes and says "ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow" each time ND (my little one) latches on.

I have alternatives... I could feed her with formula instead or feed her less frequently than she really needs or whatever, but that's the last thing on my mind. I want what's right, not what's easier, and her doctor is praising us all the way. (This morning he weighed her and found she's already just 4 ounces shy of her original birth weight. In other words, she's consuming beautifully. On another note, I know there are many who are much less successful with breastfeeding and I am not in the least saying that they are wrong to choose alternatives ultimately. But since I CAN do this, I want to do it even when it's hard.)

That said... everything people have told us has been true. We don't get enough sleep. She eats, sleeps and poops exclusively and constantly. I often don't have time to feed myself.

But as I'd hoped, those complaints are virtually meaningless. We are living in a different world now, and we signed up for every part of it. So though I'm tired and planning to nap in just a moment (as long as ND lets me) I still know that all of this is meaningful and deep down I love it. That doesn't mean I'm smiling all the time. I cry a lot lately either out of pure joy, or out of despair that she is already becoming bigger and that time is relentless, and sometimes out of frustration. But I also knew to expect those tears. It's part of what we signed up for and I haven't a regret in the world.

I probably won't always feel this way, but right now it is as though the life I had before last Wednesday was not real enough at all.