Cough Cough Sniff Sniff Whisper Whisper

I'm just at the end of a NASTY NASTY cold. Oh, this was a bad one! It started Friday and I was very un-concerned about it. But I knew that my assistant, who is one of the only Christian teachers in our school, would be off on Tuesday and Wednesday for "the holiday." (Our school is one of the yeshivot that pretends that Xmas isn't happening. Makes the whole school bus situation a bit of a nightmare.) And usually teachers and assistants pretty much rely on each other to be substitutes.

So I took off Monday, thinking I'd be better, but long story short, Tuesday was my worst day. That was also the one day this week so far that I DID go to work. I skipped my morning "support" jobs and dragged myself in to teach.

My supervisor said that as short as she was on staff, she would never make me come in if I really felt that bad. She also offered me a substitute assistant. So I took the latter option.

Oh, by the time I got there I could barely even talk. A teacher said to me, "You're so good."

My response: That or my self-esteem is low enough that I have to do this to prove myself.

That response is what this entry is about.

I would be lying if I said I always feel great about myself, but in general I'm pretty pleased. And at the times that I'm not, I can at least keep myself busy enough not to think about my doubts too much.

But when I'm sick, this little voice just won't relent. I feel angry at myself and guilty when I'm sick. I convince myself I'm faking. I worry that others don't believe I really mean it. I wonder if I'm lazy.

It's ludicrous, and I can see it now as I'm on the mend. But there the voice is nonetheless.

Weird. Do they make a vitamin that cuts down on that?