Teaching Log: Clearness Committee

Before I write what's intended for this entry I have to say that something else is really bothering me right now and I feel I can't write it here, but it's bothering me nonetheless and I can't seem to get a word written without at least stating that. It's the sort of thing that makes all my good work at teaching feel like a burden instead of a joy and I'm filling up with resentment.

Not a good way to work.

But let me try to put that aside for the moment and write about something that happened almost a week ago that was very inspiring.

Tuesday, Election Day, was also Professional Development Day. My grade has been piloting a program called "Kaleidescope" which is all about building community, self-esteem, reflection etc. etc. It was during our last session that the title Courage To Teach by Parker Palmer was mentioned and I was inspired to finally read it. (I finished it yesterday at last.)

I'm not going to talk a lot about the workshop itself right now. Truthfully I'm not sure how much it has directly taught me to teach the concepts at hand, but in taking the time to honor the things I know to be true in my heart, it has reminded me to teach the way I know I should.

There is so much rushing and panicking and material to cover. Doing things slow and with meaning will accomplish more, but there's no point in trying to tell anyone that. Yes, I'm cynical this morning. I feel along in a crazy, frantic culture here.

But here's what happened during the class. We looked at ways for teachers to problem-solve. First we took a written case study, read through it and one person (I volunteered) had to speak in the voice of the teacher in the case study and IMMEDIATELY after reading it had to respond. Then we took the time to dissect the case study in groups and figure out what the teacher in the study should do. Of course the immediate reaction was less refined than the suggestions of what to do after we discussed it.

But then we used a different technique, one described in Courage To Teach that was developed originally by the Quaker community. The Committee, as described in the book, actually meets for 2-3 hours! We did a modified version, but it was eye-opening. I'll describe to you the way we did it rather than the way it traditionally is/was done.

Again, I was the one to volunteer for this... Before volunteering, we were asked to think of a real dilemma in work or life that we were having. I thought about a child in my class who has a behavior I've been trying to change but who needs a lot of sensitivity. More importantly, I thought of my frustration with how difficult it is to change the behavior and how other children have been trying to "help" me by "informing" me of when he is not following my directions. They milk it, putting him on the outs even further and making me feel guilty for allowing the situation to reach that point.

I sat in front of the circle of teachers. (There were 7 besides me, I think.) I was asked to choose just two people to help me with this exercise. The two people I would choose would have to ask open, nonjudgmental questions to me and say and do nothing else. It was not a hard choice although I was worried that others would be offended at my choices. The first was a teacher with whom I work rather closely and share in common some similar anxieties about teaching. I should point out she's also from Seattle... evidence that her being from a different culture than here has made her someone I can trust more. The second person was my Hebrew counterpart. She knows my students, but more importantly, I've come to realize that we have similar deep hearts even though our teaching techniques are quite different. As for the cultural difference again... she is Israeli (as was the moderator) and all of the other teachers present were local.

I stated my problem and my two chosen questioners began struggling with what kinds of questions were and were not okay. One of the non-chosen interrupted with a totally judgmental question that still pulls at me, but with the moderator and rules there I had the protection to ignore it. At first we went over the specifics of the problem repeatedly. The point I had to make again and again was that I was not talking now about strategies to modify his behavior. For that I had help from the school psychologist and was actively working on it. What bothered me more was the tattling. At last the Israeli (who was the more comfortable and active of the two questioners) asked a question I can't remember verbatim... like, "What is at stake for you if you can't fix him?" (I had used the word "fix" earlier myself.) At that point I teared up and new I'd reached a crucial discovery.

Unfortunately the group lost its focus for a moment then as the moderator pointed out that one difficult thing about the Clearness Committee is that you can't say, "I understand" or reach out to the person physically. But that was fine with me I wanted to keep talking and had to let everyone there know it as they all started talking about the things they'd been wanting to say. Finally, I was able to respond to that question and we finished up.

What came out of the committee ultimately was a plan of action, but more importantly, a heartfelt understanding of the importance of getting there. When we had read the case study, I felt head-centered and a little panicky for the teacher character in the story. (She did something pretty bad under some difficult circumstances.) But under these circumstances I felt driven and somewhat powerful.

The next day in class we had a brief discussion about when it is and is not appropriate to "tell" a teacher something and labeled the differences between telling and tattling. We talked about how it feels to be tattled and the children seemed to understand and be relieved. Only once has someone "reported" on the child in question since then and now I feel I have tools to work with should it happen again.

But what I took from the rest of the experience (and from completing Courage To Teach is a mixed feeling, yet again, of loneliness and desire to find community with whom I can truly be myself. I need people who see my for who I am, who act in this world from the heart and without ulterior motives. I need people who don't think it is a luxury to take walks, meditate, truly see the world inside and outside themselves. I need people who refuse not be victimized by consumerism, speed and the circumstances that make our lives less than they could be.

I feel this in so many areas of my life... in my teaching community, my spiritual community and in parenting communities. In each of those there are one or two people I can go to, but not nearly often enough. The people with whom I most closely identify in this world seem to be very far away... in Portland for one, and suddenly I'm realizing in Israel too.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this yet. The experience of last week was just one reminder among many of the aloneness I truly do feel.