Lose the Ego

So yesterday was fun... Thursday night, horror or horrors, I felt my throat starting to swell up again, and yesterday my face was stuffed with mucous. (Yes, I could be even grosser describing it.) My principal let me leave work early and the nurse/secretary sent me to her doctor. I was almost in tears and still didn't tell anyone there that I'm a cancer survivor (hence the tears). This is a subject for another time, but a few people have told me I shouldn't ever tell an employer. There are laws against them asking me my medical history, so apparently I shouldn't tell. I don't like keeping it a secret.

But that's not what this entry is about.

In short, on the above topic, the doctor I went to was great, says I have a sinus infection now. So I'm on antibiotics and feeling much better.

I just have to remember... NO SUGAR and NO RECESS DUTY. (Two things that I think made me worse on Thursday. But one of my students brought me a cupcake on behalf of his birthday. I couldn't say no...)

So, about losing the ego.

Today I was reading God Is A Verb. It's a good book and helps me a lot with my view of the world. Cooper was discussing tzedakah (literally "justice" this means giving charity) and said something I've heard many times in a different way.

Take 2 situations.

1. A guy just earned $100. He leaves his office, finds a rude beggar on the street. The guy gives the beggar the required 10 % of his earnings and goes on his way. The beggar is rude, even spits on the ground a few times. The guy who gives the money is emotionally uninvolved.

2. A woman has already given her 10 %. But she sees a homeless woman with a baby and is moved to give further.

Both people have done a great thing, but which is better?

I've heard before that number 1 is better, that giving out of obligation is better than just from the heart. (It is a greater challenge to give when you don't necessarily want to.) But Cooper had a NEW way for me to look at why. The guy who gives his 10% is not giving because it makes him feel good. He is giving because he knows that he is God's tool and that that money is not his to keep. He knows he is merely a vehicle for passing the money on to the needy person. The woman, on the other hand, is making a great choice to give, but she is not giving selflessly. SHE, her ego, her emotions, are involved. Again, she's done nothing wrong, but there's something beautiful about the first situation.

I'm constantly fearful of what it will be like to G-d-willing, be a parent some day. How can I give more of myself? I already struggle with giving too much in my classroom and making myself ill. I think that if I can learn to have my work be separate from ME, then I will not deplete myself so much. I've learned this before and it has helped me before. I'm trying to create a graceful tripod of myself, my work, and my body, and try to keep all three healthy, but balanced.

The person I mentioned at work about whom I worry about approval... I still worry about it sometime. Sometimes I think she likes my work and sometimes I think she doesn't. But I'm noticing that she sees so much urgency about our work. I see the importance of it too, but am not addressing the urgency. If I put too much of the wrong kind of energy into my teaching I will stress out the kids and make myself unhealthy and into a useless vehicle. So I allow myself imperfection and am becoming prouder and prouder of this choice. I improve every single week as a teacher. That's enough. And it's only through this attitude that I can remain a teacher in the future. Otherwise I'd burnout like a bright but short match.