Healing: Part III

Well, the results are in. There's nothing wrong with me.

I guess that's good news. But the fact remains that I get sick a lot. I know the bulk of that has to do with working with children, but I'm starting to think too that there is an emotional piece. The immune system is hurt when a person doesn't relax. I relax plenty, but not very well.

I think the key, once again, is that I do not have good role models for this right now. Or rather, I'm not working within a healthy community. All of the wonderful people I work with overextend themselves and are frantic because of it. They may be able to live that way, but I become tense around them and I think others do too. In any case, they are anti-role models for me.

Recently one of them wanted to talk to me about something at work. It was a useful conversation to have and she sent someone to ask if I could come talk to her while she was on lunch duty. We are only allotted a half hour lunch break which inevitably gets cut to 20 minutes before we even can get to a sink to wash our hands to eat. By the time I got downstairs to where she was I had only 15 minutes left. It was a gorgeous day out and I desparately needed to get out into it in order to recharge for the afternoon. But I went downstairs and she started talking work with me. I finally said, "Look, this is an important conversation. But I need to go."

"But I thought this would be good to talk because it's your free time," she said.

That's just the point! It's my free time! I need my free time! I need that space! I was really offended to have that asked of me. In fact, at work I'm an incredibly patient person during class. People comment on it all the time. But my lunch time is sacred and my pet peeve is when no one comes to relieve me. I have really lost it when that happens and I'm not embarassed about it. That's the one thing that is guaranteed to make me ANGRY. Because that time makes it possible for me to not become impatient, angry or disrespectful towards my students.

In any case, I feel I do not have a community of people who feels likewise. The yoga and meditation I do on the side are crucial, but I do them alone. As a result, I cannot surrender completely to them. I do not have the safety net of others' companionship during the practice. In fact there is always a little voice reminding me that I don't know others who take care of themselves in this way. I imagine my colleagues saying obnoxiously, "Gosh, if only I had time for that..." or "If you had kids you wouldn't be able to do that. Welcome to the real world."

And yet if I don't, I cannot function at all.

That's my latest theory about my health.