Misconception

During my pregnancy, people warned me a lot (as I've complained here) about sleeplessness. Also, every time I went to a doctor, I was given a pamphlet on post-partum depression, so I'd be aware it was normal and get help etc. etc.

Now, I was under the assumption that these two things would most likely occur within the first weeks and then would steadily improve.

This is not necessarily how it works. I now know, first from my experience and later from reading about others' experiences, that it's pretty normal for these problems to not actually arise until after the first month!

For perspective, ND will be 7 weeks old on Wednesday.

During the first few weeks I was in baby euphoria and feeling surrounded by loved ones. ND was also sleeping fairly long and predictable periods at night. Is it any surprise then that I felt confident enough to tell my supervisor at work that I would be up and running before I was even 6 weeks away from the birth? Remember the entries titled When Will I Work Again? and Daycare Troubleshooting?

Well, our nights are not as regular as they used to be. The past three in particular have been challenging, climaxing last night in my excitement over getting to bed early at around 10 only to find that ND was not interested in sleeping until about 2! U. took her for part of that time, but I could not fall into a deep sleep. And on top of that, once she finally conked out, I was wide awake and worrying! Thanks, insomnia. And when I did finally fall asleep after 3, we had to wake up several times to nurse before the night was over.

As a result, my brain no longer has the strength I'd like to think it used to. If I think of something I want to tell someone, and don't say it or write it down right away, the thought is gone. If I empty a garbage can, it takes a large amount of concentration to replace the liner.

But the really weird part is just the being home all day. I've never been good at having such unstructured and isolated time, and this is no exception. Why does it seem like the alternatives are to 1. Be home with ND, caring for both of our needs and 2. Be at work and available physically, intellectually and emotionally to 18 other children without mine nearby at all?

I'm trying to get out and meet people or do things, but it's tricky with ND's spontaneous "schedule" and because I'm shy about finding who to see or what to do. It's also cold outside, which now makes walking a bit difficult. I don't like using the stroller so much because the sidewalks around here are so bumpy. Looking forward to receiving a new sling I ordered in the mail which should hopefully make it possible for us to just walk out together rather than bundle into the stroller.

In any case, those of you who know me know I'm an active, independent and energetic person as well as a self-guilt-tripper and worrier. Is it any wonder I feel fairly down much of the time?

Now I must say, I would not quite call this depression. Depression is helplessness or hopelessness and I'm not exhibiting the signs that should make anyone fear for me or my baby. But I also don't have the high that I felt right after ND was born and I miss it. I also feel I've been misinformed about the difference between baby blues and postpartum depression. I know what I have is sporadic and fits more into the former of those two things, but somehow it feels more of a relief to call it the second. In other ways, "I feel kind of yucky because I'm in a postpartum phase." I do know all this will pass, but it's so important to be honest about all of this.

In any case, just as I labeled the other day a "personal day" to help me relax with ND and not do so much around the house, today I labeled a "sick day" because if I don't get some rest, I know I'll get sick.