Making The Most Of Time

Over the past few days I noticed myself getting stressed. Not exactly sure about what. I guess I just like using my time well. I was first struggling with how to justify not working. I keep saying there is no excuse for being bored. If I'm bored, that means I need to spend more time on writing.

But that's not always easy. Not just because of writer's block. (See picture above.) But because I'm enjoying relaxing and just being with my daughter. And writing, while something I love, is a lot of work.

In trying to make the most of my summer I set too many writing goals. I'm constantly switching between projects and I don't know that I'm doing great work. I can't do it unless ND's asleep either way, and during that time it's sometimes nice to do other things.

BUT I made a commitment to spend every day (except Friday and Saturday) working on something towards my writing career. Yesterday that meant some internet surfing for publications that might take some older work of mine. Even though I want to settle into just enjoying and relaxing, I think I should be able to hold firm with that commitment.

On another note, still related to writing... apparently a famous person read my last article. Bernie Siegel, MD on it. He said:

we all have scars and wounds
Wear a bandage over your eye and everyone will talk to you about their problems because you now have a visible wound. I shaved my head in 1978 when long hair was in for men and everyone lined up to tell me their troubles because they knew i wasn't all there. Thornton Wilder said it very well in one of his stories when an angel refuses to heal a doctor he explains to the doctor, "Without your wound where would your power be. It is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men. The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In love's service only the wounded soldier can serve. Draw back!" On the way home the doctor realizes from his patients' reaction to him how valuable and therapeutic his wounds are. There are natives and tourists.

***

My immediate reaction to that was that a number of weeks or months before I became ill, I said to a friend of mine that I wanted to be a healer. But I said, too, that I didn't think you could be a healer if you hadn't been sick. G-d answered my prayer and headed me on the path towards needing healing in order to heal.

I don't feel much like I'm a healer yet though. I reflect in the blog often of how I feel bad every time I want to tell my story so badly. I think the reason I feel bad is that it comes up for me at times when I should listen, not talk. But still, could it be that the way I'll heal is more through things like my meditation class? What about in other ways? Sometimes people say that I inspire them, but I find myself really doubting the likelihood of that.

On the other hand, when I think of who in my life has inspired me... I guess they've done it just in being who they are. Am I being who I am in a real and strong enough way to help people better their own lives?