Pesach Break

A friend commented recently that she stopped reading my blog for awhile because it seemed like I wasn't updating it much. For the record, I'm trying to write something at least once a week, hence me wracking my brain right now to think of what I want to say today before the week is up. I sort of let this blog go for awhile a few months ago because I was venting out a lot of personal baggage on an "anonymous" blog that I've mentioned a number of times here. I finally abandoned it. I wrote about something for which I was really hoping to get feedback (and support) and none came. I decided it was time to leave that non-community, return to this blog, and when I need to deal with more personal stuff to do it with a private journal or with real live people that I actually know.

In any case, I'm in Portland for Pesach. I predict that this will be my last time in Portland for some time as my future vacation slots are filling up with other things right now. Every time I come I have to choose whom to contact and how thoroughly to plan my days. This time I've been really taking it slow and lazy and just arranging to see a few people. Rushing makes me panic about missing crucial moments and I've been working lately on the practice of being present now rather than worrying about the future (even if the future is just a few hours from now). I find that most of my worries have to do with the future or the past and the more present I am, the more together I am.

I'm finding that I'm noticing feelings arise before they overtake me. Like, "That was an annoying thing that person said. I feel annoyed. Oh well. I guess that feeling will leave now. " Or, "I feel sad that I have to leave here in a few days but, oh, how about that, I guess that means I'm really happy right now to BE here." Sometimes with my practice of self-awareness I try really hard to get rid of feelings ro sculpt negative feelings into positive ones. Right now I'm just operating under the assumption that underneath, I always feel some kind of joy. I just have to find it. I hope I can keep this up when I get back to work. SO glad the school year is nearly over. It will make it easier to stay level-headed I hope with the end in sight.