Meat Quota Reached

I wrote in June about this year's meat-eating experiment. In a nutshell, I wanted to see if I could eat meat 25 times or less within a year, starting with the beginning of the season for my CSA. Well, I hit number 25 during Pesach. I guess I really should have started with Pesach because I ate meat 7 or 8 times (depending on how you count.... I had soup with a tiny bit of meat in it on the last two times because it was delicious soup, but skipped the chicken those days). Pesach is an interesting time. We're so limited on what we can eat, we're providing for family, we're sometimes guests, it's a chag and therefore worth if not actually commanded to eat meat in order to show the importance of the day. I also was glad to have almost all the meat I consumed at that time purchased from Grow and Behold and therefore, organic, free range and all that other good stuff.

In any case, over the year I have found that I am losing my taste in meat more and more. I have several times eaten it and felt it wasn't good enough to be worth it, it sometimes made me feel a little ill afterwards, and sometimes I was just very aware of the loss of life necessary to create it. I have also become very sensitive to how often others consume meat, how much of it, and how little aware. Prime examples are Tuesdays and Thursdays when I have lunch duty at school and which happen to be fleishig days at school. Mass amounts of meat are prepared for these kids, and a depressing portion go straight into the garbage without the children even consuming it. They grab what's given to them, eat a few bites and then would rather chat with their friends, or just don't like what they've been given.

Finally, I've been reading little bits of a book I stumbled upon last year at Powell's called Judaism and Animal Rights. It's a collection of varied and excellent essays discussing every angle I can possibly think of regarding meat consumption and other issues around animals as we face them both today and in Jewish history. I am really coming to believe that drastically reducing our consumption of meat is a Torah value more consistent than any demonstration of food consumption we do today in the name of Judaism. Thanks to this book I also see why that's a controversial idea, but there any many great thinkers and rabbis who believe this to be true. This is true for health reasons, ethics reasons from many different angles, and even in sheer awareness and appreciation of the gifts G-d heaps upon us.

So I'm trying again this year, starting again at the resumption of the CSA distribution, but I will see if this time I can eat meat just 18 times before next Pesach. That way I can begin again the following Pesach with as much as I need, but still be able to count my meals for the rest of the year without worry.

Once In A Lifetime

This photo is being added on April 14... this is from the events listed below. It shows ND, me, the sun, and the chometz burning...

*************************************************

Today is a very special day.

1. It's Erev Pesach. Very exciting. It comes once a year. This year is special because we're leading our own seder for the 2nd time ever on the 2nd night. One of the things I want to talk about at the seder is that we're not just telling the story of something that happened long ago, but making history by continuing the story... sitting together and using that act of sitting together as testimony of a relationship with G-d that began long ago.

2. Today we said Birkat Hachamah, a blessing on the sun that is said only once every 28 years.

3. It is even rarer that Birkat Hachamah and Pesach coincide.

4. On top of that, what few people know, is that it's NATIONAL ANT DAY TOMORROW!!! (Do a search for ant day on my blog. I don't have time to link it. Sorry.)

What do we do with all this? Well, I'm excited as all heck for all of it and had a great time taking ND with me VERY EARLY this morning to do the bracha and also to burn chometz at the shul. I'll post a picture once I find time and my cable for downloading photos.

But I'm thinking about Once in A Lifetime opportunities. They're exciting and there's the urge to grasp at them and snatch them up as super special.

But every moment can be a once in a lifetime opportunity. I know this already and know it even more as I mature as an adult and especially now that I'm a mom.

I'm currently reading The Power Of Now about living in the present moment. U. and I watched Synechdoche, New York too. It's incredibly uncomfortable but also very profound. It hasn't been consistently well-received and, again, I was terribly uncomfortable -- almost nauseous -- during it, but have decided I really loved it. I think about it constantly. Both the book and the movie -- one fresh and enlightening and one deeply painful and artistic -- are about loving life and experiencing it fully.

So today I was really excited for Birkat Hachamah, but I tried not to grab at it. Just show up, experience it joyfully, and go on to the next thing joyfully too.

Poetry Pole

I got a letter from my Portland Poetry Partner yesterday. (She's a teacher I used to know in the school where I used to work. We used to send poems to each other regularly.) She told me that as retirement gift, one of our colleagues gave her a Poetry Pole which was installed at the school.

I'm not sure I entirely understand what it is. I want to ask her to send me pictures. She said it's like those boxes you see realtors putting out that you can open and take a sheet of paper out. But that this is homemade and beautiful. I imagine some sort of display case for poems but am unsure of how many and whether people take them, leave them, or both.

I did find a youtube video of a poetry pole in Yakima. It's a nice idea, art in the public realm.

I was thinking about how it would be neat if we had one of these at my school, but people do things very neatly at my school, and I would want to allow this to be sloppier. (That said, I already have a poe-tree in my classroom where I hang a few poems now and then. There is also a bulletin board where the kids hang theirs... it can withstand lots of hands touching it better than my little lemon tree can.)

I would prefer one closer to the home part of my life, I think, but maybe not right now.

I'm almost finishing compiling an anthology of my own work that U. is helping me publish. I'm at the stage now of removing poems I don't want others to see after all.

It's a tricky process. There are some fairly private pieces... some about relationships, for example. Also, I've had some highly emotional periods of my life that include obsession about certain topics and I wrote and wrote and wrote at those times. I'm embarrassed by obsession as it feels so out of control, and yet I don't wish to censor myself. So I select one poem from a series and include it, hoping the art in my work will speak louder than the fact of my speaking it and somehow be okay.

I'm also unsure of how certain friends or family may receive certain poems as they may contain parts of my life that I don't discuss openly.

Yet there they are. And I don't wish to censor myself.

I hide behind my writing, and yet I like an audience to my life. This is a brave experiment.

Teaching Log: Clearness Committee

Before I write what's intended for this entry I have to say that something else is really bothering me right now and I feel I can't write it here, but it's bothering me nonetheless and I can't seem to get a word written without at least stating that. It's the sort of thing that makes all my good work at teaching feel like a burden instead of a joy and I'm filling up with resentment.

Not a good way to work.

But let me try to put that aside for the moment and write about something that happened almost a week ago that was very inspiring.

Tuesday, Election Day, was also Professional Development Day. My grade has been piloting a program called "Kaleidescope" which is all about building community, self-esteem, reflection etc. etc. It was during our last session that the title Courage To Teach by Parker Palmer was mentioned and I was inspired to finally read it. (I finished it yesterday at last.)

I'm not going to talk a lot about the workshop itself right now. Truthfully I'm not sure how much it has directly taught me to teach the concepts at hand, but in taking the time to honor the things I know to be true in my heart, it has reminded me to teach the way I know I should.

There is so much rushing and panicking and material to cover. Doing things slow and with meaning will accomplish more, but there's no point in trying to tell anyone that. Yes, I'm cynical this morning. I feel along in a crazy, frantic culture here.

But here's what happened during the class. We looked at ways for teachers to problem-solve. First we took a written case study, read through it and one person (I volunteered) had to speak in the voice of the teacher in the case study and IMMEDIATELY after reading it had to respond. Then we took the time to dissect the case study in groups and figure out what the teacher in the study should do. Of course the immediate reaction was less refined than the suggestions of what to do after we discussed it.

But then we used a different technique, one described in Courage To Teach that was developed originally by the Quaker community. The Committee, as described in the book, actually meets for 2-3 hours! We did a modified version, but it was eye-opening. I'll describe to you the way we did it rather than the way it traditionally is/was done.

Again, I was the one to volunteer for this... Before volunteering, we were asked to think of a real dilemma in work or life that we were having. I thought about a child in my class who has a behavior I've been trying to change but who needs a lot of sensitivity. More importantly, I thought of my frustration with how difficult it is to change the behavior and how other children have been trying to "help" me by "informing" me of when he is not following my directions. They milk it, putting him on the outs even further and making me feel guilty for allowing the situation to reach that point.

I sat in front of the circle of teachers. (There were 7 besides me, I think.) I was asked to choose just two people to help me with this exercise. The two people I would choose would have to ask open, nonjudgmental questions to me and say and do nothing else. It was not a hard choice although I was worried that others would be offended at my choices. The first was a teacher with whom I work rather closely and share in common some similar anxieties about teaching. I should point out she's also from Seattle... evidence that her being from a different culture than here has made her someone I can trust more. The second person was my Hebrew counterpart. She knows my students, but more importantly, I've come to realize that we have similar deep hearts even though our teaching techniques are quite different. As for the cultural difference again... she is Israeli (as was the moderator) and all of the other teachers present were local.

I stated my problem and my two chosen questioners began struggling with what kinds of questions were and were not okay. One of the non-chosen interrupted with a totally judgmental question that still pulls at me, but with the moderator and rules there I had the protection to ignore it. At first we went over the specifics of the problem repeatedly. The point I had to make again and again was that I was not talking now about strategies to modify his behavior. For that I had help from the school psychologist and was actively working on it. What bothered me more was the tattling. At last the Israeli (who was the more comfortable and active of the two questioners) asked a question I can't remember verbatim... like, "What is at stake for you if you can't fix him?" (I had used the word "fix" earlier myself.) At that point I teared up and new I'd reached a crucial discovery.

Unfortunately the group lost its focus for a moment then as the moderator pointed out that one difficult thing about the Clearness Committee is that you can't say, "I understand" or reach out to the person physically. But that was fine with me I wanted to keep talking and had to let everyone there know it as they all started talking about the things they'd been wanting to say. Finally, I was able to respond to that question and we finished up.

What came out of the committee ultimately was a plan of action, but more importantly, a heartfelt understanding of the importance of getting there. When we had read the case study, I felt head-centered and a little panicky for the teacher character in the story. (She did something pretty bad under some difficult circumstances.) But under these circumstances I felt driven and somewhat powerful.

The next day in class we had a brief discussion about when it is and is not appropriate to "tell" a teacher something and labeled the differences between telling and tattling. We talked about how it feels to be tattled and the children seemed to understand and be relieved. Only once has someone "reported" on the child in question since then and now I feel I have tools to work with should it happen again.

But what I took from the rest of the experience (and from completing Courage To Teach is a mixed feeling, yet again, of loneliness and desire to find community with whom I can truly be myself. I need people who see my for who I am, who act in this world from the heart and without ulterior motives. I need people who don't think it is a luxury to take walks, meditate, truly see the world inside and outside themselves. I need people who refuse not be victimized by consumerism, speed and the circumstances that make our lives less than they could be.

I feel this in so many areas of my life... in my teaching community, my spiritual community and in parenting communities. In each of those there are one or two people I can go to, but not nearly often enough. The people with whom I most closely identify in this world seem to be very far away... in Portland for one, and suddenly I'm realizing in Israel too.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this yet. The experience of last week was just one reminder among many of the aloneness I truly do feel.

Dumbledore Is Gay

I'm glad J.K. Rowling is thinking progressively and willing to think outside the box for her characters' sexuality, but this revelation doesn't bring me any new insights into Potter and I'm afraid Grindelwald (a figure from Dumbledore's past) never really made an impression on me. I hope Rowling realizes that the series is OVER and that it's time to move on. Frankly, I hope the public realizes it too.

Woah, strongly stated opinion there... I'm not going to go any further with this lest I disappoint someone with my impatience towards Harry Potter.

In other news, this is really something. I've never seen U. laugh so hard about a news article. Make sure you scroll down to view the slideshow.

Teaching Log (I'm not going to # it anymore): Courage To Teach

I'm reading The Courage To Teach by Parker Palmer. If you go to that link, you'll find a site for their center that helps you reconnect "who you are with what you do."

That's basically what the book is about although it uses some pretty academic language to get there. (I enjoy reading such sophisticated sounding language.)

The first I really heard of The Courage To Teach was from a teaching neighbor of mine when I worked in Portland just before my cancer diagnosis. He was going through a crisis point in his life both about his teaching about some inner struggles... primarily that his father was dying at the time. He had read the book and was attending Courage To Teach workshops which apparently were an enormous support to his spirit through all of this.

As I read the book I find myself as the reader (and that he as a writer) seem continually need to justify and explain why a teacher's "inner landscape" would be relevant to their work. But there is evidence that it does make a difference.

One student I heard about said she could not describe her good teachers because they differed so greatly, one from another. But she could describe her bad teachers because they were all the same: "Their words float somewhere in front of their faces, like the balloon speech in cartoons."

He goes on to talk about connectedness and now it is not narcissistic, but necessary for teachers to be connected with who they are personally.

It occurs to me how hard it is for people to accept spiritually: in this form, in the form of meditation, even prayer etc.

There is no problem accepting some of the other unnecessary diversions from our work in the world, like humor, entertainment, fancy material goods etc. But to look inside oneself and tap into the essence that is there, or to look outwards for G-d, those things are somehow considered silly.

I'm thinking a little of my own work environment. Working in a yeshiva means that I work with a lot of people for whom living Torah lives and teaching are part of their spirituality. But to take the time and look inward in such personal ways is probably much too scary for many. I'm judging this simply on the fact that there are few with whom I think I could discuss a book like this, but also because of how they relate to children. There are some good teachers who still could be better if only they didn't hold children at arm's length. There are others who know their students well, and not in order to be the expert on their lives, but in order to reach for their spirits.

I'm also thinking about how "self-reflective" I've always been, and how often this was really just about ego -- narcissism again. There have been times in my life when I really really wanted or even needed to be the center of attention in my life to be happy. There are times when I shared too much information about my dreams, my inner landscape etc. This blog is a perfect example.

But every trait has two sides. Regardless of whether or not I tend to be self-centered, I need to center myself to be the best teacher that I can be.

I did a search for blogs which also mention Courage To Teach. I'd like to find more teaching community online.

And I Lived Happily Ever After

So I'm really happy that Tisha B'Av is over. I did a good job being sad during it and I was pleased the way that in the afternoon the mood started to lift. I was pretty machmir this year and really didn't listen to music at all during the three weeks, so I'm enjoying listening to lots of music like, right now, Losing My Religion. (Raise your hand if you remember that video. Raise it again if you can explain it.)

I love REM.

Anyway, I didn't do great with the fast and ended up drinking some water around 2. When I asked my rabbi before the fast about nursing moms, he said to ask a doctor's opinion. My midwife (who is also frum) was the one who gave me the advice to drink after noon if I needed it. I tried to prove to the world that I didn't need to, but quickly caught on to my own little game and stopped it before I hurt me or ND by denying myself the water.

In any case, remember when I wrote about that valuable Snow White book I lost? I found another copy online for about $12.00 I ordered it but was basically holding my breath before saying anything about it here. It arrived yesterday and IS the same book, but unfortunately missing the beautiful cover. I really can't complain.

I wonder why that other copy is so valuable.

In fact, and this is embarassing, as I searched just now for the image to attach to this blog, I found a bunch of copies even cheaper. Someone's meddling with my mind.

No!!!

I went online to see if I could replace the Snow White book I showed in the last entry.

I found a copy. It's so rare it's worth $ 425!

Why that upsets me:

1. I had a $ 425 book and I didn't even know it?! This is why I don't like having valuable things.
2. This is much bigger... I CAN'T REPLACE IT.

I went downstairs and pulled it out of the garbage to see if I could at least salvage some of the pages. It's really disgusting.

U. reminds me, it's not the monetary loss. It's the sentimental. Oh oh oh.

Thank G-d it's only this. I'm really ok. Just deeply perturbed.

Water Damage

As I've been saying, I've been struggling with my priorities and with finding time to write. And by finding time to write, I mean on projects I can sell or on one or two personal projects which basically involve anthologizing all my stuff.

Three inspiring things today makes me want to find time again, although I still just don't know how.

Thing 1: Sunday is the day that Aish goes live each week with new articles. One in particular this week got me to thinking.

Thing 2: I started an article awhile ago that I really care about. But before moving forward with it, I wanted to get an old and dear friend's "permission." I'd like to publish it ultimately, but didn't want to invest too much time on it if she's not okay with me writing about her. We spoke today and she cleared it.

Thing 3: Went to our storage room in the basement today to pull out some things for a garage sale through our shul and to find books I can take to my classroom and organize this week. I hadn't realized that we had some serious water damage in one corner of the room. One box was almost totally destroyed. This contained all of my flute and piano music, my vinyl children's records, and a few other picture books. The pictures below of are the two items I'm saddest about losing.




Next to that box was one labeled "creative writing". It hard far less damage, but some mildew ate its way through a few sheets and rusted some staples on old writing. I spent some time going through the pile and of course couldn't bring myself to throw anything away. I really want to archive all of it. I moved it to a new box and separated the moldiest stuff so it won't infect the nicer stuff.

I think my new attitude is that I will try not to force myself nightly to work on these things, but will accept that sometimes I want to write and sometimes I don't. Disciplined writers don't talk that way. They force themselves daily. But I just don't think I can afford that right now time-wise and emotion-wise. I'd rather trust myself to WANT to do it sometimes, and to find away when those times come. As it is, I have two specific writing goals by the end of the summer, and I bet I can meet them. I will get to them after I finish my meditation website which is another major goal.

Irreverent

This week has been INSANE. Oddly enough, I can't elaborate much. A lot has happened for us and for people around us. With one situation for a friend, it's too sad for me to write about publicly. And for us, we had a difficult situation that is basically over now but that really stressed us out. The one thing I'll say about it is that I'm really proud of how well we operated through it as a team, just in time for our anniversary this Sunday. (Keep watching for posts about that.)

The only thing I feel comfortable actually mentioning is along a similar level of intensity as the other things, which was that my supervisor called me at 10 last night to say one of my colleagues who works in the morning was hit by a car and in the hospital. I agreed to substitute. The substituting isn't a big deal except that I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked, especially as I'm still fighting this cold. But a crash like that shakes everyone up.

Yesterday in the teacher's lounge we all got into a big conversation about cancer. After all, my assistant (and also the assitant of the person who was hit by the car) was there, the one whose fiance has it, and their wedding day would have been this Sunday. (Yes, the same as our anniversary), but they've postponed for now. During this conversation I learned about a colleague that I barely know... learned he had Hogkins just over a year ago. (This was before he was with the school.) And I came out to a few people who didn't know my history. Every time that happens -- which seems frequent lately -- I'm bursting with the desire to talk about it. I'm hoping to find another chance to chat with this guy before the school year totally ends next week.

Last Shabbat I read Cancer Made Me A Shallower Person. I haven't read any books about cancer since I was sick and I'm fine with that. But I really liked this a lot. The back of the book describes it as "irreverent and humorous." I don't know why, but that really ticks me off. Again, it fires me up for some reason I can't quite identify. Whenever I read that on a book I think, "Oh, this will be a rip-roaring hilarious book, not like those sappy, 'Roses are beautiful, life is precious and G-d is just terrific' books about cancer. No, this one will be FUNNY."

It was funny in places. Just the kind of thing to make someone say, "Wow, isn't she brave... to be funny through ALL OF THAT." Of course it was funny. It was a real person talking about a real experience. And real experiences come in many shades of emotion... not just harp music dramatically watching someone say their last words and die.

I liked the the book because I connected with it. Again, a regular person talking about the real feelings that come up, and doing so with the same personality she would have had even before her life was turned upside down.

I don't know how relevant any of this is right now, but I just really wanted to write SOMETHING on here this morning after this long week, and I had wanted to write about the book anyway. Good news is that we are getting a visit tonight through Shabbat from JR who is passing through town and whose blog is not up-to-date and I think he's keeping another one but am not sure now. I've been too swamped to read other people's... just show off my own to the world later.

Whatever... I need to get ready for work.

Speaking Up

I've talked about this in entries Got My Voice Back and Voiceless and Grateful. I've had an interesting week with the theme of speaking, speaking up and silence.

There have been a number of things in my work world lately that have upset me both for my own sake and for the sake of my students, but because I often feel powerless, or I have to be respectful to other adults, I have said nothing. I began having violent nightmares in which a regular theme was about being unable to speak.

My feelings about all of this came to a head one day when someone at work did a few things that just really ticked me off and that I took quite personally. I vented to U. that night. I was so tense and angry! I told him that I used to always say what I thought, and that got me into trouble. Now I say nothing and that's not working either. I decided I wanted to start saying something, but the right thing.

Unfortunately, that night I blew it. For a number of reasons, this week has probably been the most stressful since I returned from maternity leave and I couldn't sleep. I laid awake at night, exhausted and still angry, and I wrote what I thought was a well-thought-out and reasonable email to the person who angered me.

I still think everything I said it there was true, but the long and short of it is, the person I wrote to didn't really understand it. She misunderstood several points and I was so anxious about what she thought about me writing to her at 3:45 AM that it really wasn't worth the agony I caused myself. If I was going to speak up, I should have done it in person and I should have stood up first for issues with my students, and later for myself. I should have prioritized to whom I was speaking and figured out how to do it.

So as an interesting afterword, I lost my voice this weekend. I'm not very ill, just a little. Enough to explain why I was so obsessive and anxious and angry that night. Illness and anxiety often go hand-in-hand for me. Either way, my voice is in shambles. A nice reminder to work on this speaking up trait.



(Interestingly too I read Among The Free this Shabbos, the conclusion to a guilty book series pleasure of mine. Guilty because they're not terribly well-written, but riveting nonetheless. Again, all about speaking up for what's right.)

So the conclusion, for now, of this story, came just a few moments ago. ND and I were walking home from the library. There was a car pulled over to the side of the road as a family picked up their teenage kid (I presume). As the car drove off from the curb, a teenager in the backseat stuck his hand out the window and dropped a snack wrapper on the ground.

In the past I would have been nervous to draw attention to myself, and would have felt angry and wounded afterwards about how inconsiderate people can be. But I just stopped, looked at him the way I would one of my students and squawked in my hoarse excuse for a voice, "Hey, that's garbage."

He didn't make fun of me or ignore me. He looked guilty, his parents pulled over again, and he picked it up. I watched as he pulled away and I said, "There's a garbage can right there."

"I'll throw it away later," he called out the window.

And that was it. I don't have feel angry or wounded. And that garbage isn't on the ground. Better yet, I think he's sufficiently embarassed to not do it again any time soon, but not to ruin his life or even his day. That's all I ask.

Now if I can just figure out how to do this for bigger things...

Just Sitting And Reading

Way awesome cool...

During Shabbos I tried helping ND sit for the first time. She's pretty good at it. If she leans forward she can hold it several minutes.

And we were playing with board books, especially Numbers which has way cool pages that are different lengths so easy to turn. She knows how to turn a page, though she doesn't get why, and can either sit or lie with a book as though she's really reading it!

She also likes to chew on it.

I'll try to get pictures soon.

Working Out Work Anxiety

Well, Friday was good too. No need to go into detail now, but I seem to be doing ok so far with my return. Not to be pessimistic, but I need to be prepared that my first FULL week back will bring greater challenges. Better to be prepared for something and not have it come than be surprised.

Every weekend during the work year I deal with work anxiety over the weekend. Usually I try to keep Saturday nights work-free, but then Sunday morning I tend to wake up worrying, and worry all day until I finally have time to get my stuff done.

I'm trying a different strategy this week. I did a little bit of work tonight, just enough to help me see exactly what must be done tomorrow. Hopefully then I can just DO it rather than think about it too much. The challenge of course is that I have to do this according to ND's not-quite-predictable schedule. The advantage is that I no longer assume I should have time to do much else.



I finished reading Nursing Mother, Working Mother which discusses just that in one of the final chapters. Pryor notes that it's nice to get work done in large chunks, but that moms often need to do it according to the ebb and flow of the baby, but that does not mean any less gets accomplisehd. She suggests ceasing to create "to do" lists and instead creating "accomplished" lists. I think it's a good idea.

With Purim taking up all of next weekend, followed by a visit from my parents (which I'm looking forward to but during which I will want to spend less time working), and then parent-teacher conferences on the 18th (I need to catch up on the kids' work of the past 3 months to prepare for this!!!) followed by Pesach, I definitely have to keep all this in mind.

One final thought about the book and my experience. I've gotten so used to hearing parents talk about how they can't get work done with their kids around, or that they have to decide between the two sometimes. It seems unfortunate. I think I want to make my goal to see how much I can involve her in everything I do from sitting with me at the computer (at this age) to asking for her help with chores when she's older. All of this is life and we're living it together.

It's Been Awhile

Well, I guess it's only been a week since my last blog entry, but it feels like a very long time.

Two reasons:

1. I'm pretty busy now with this baby and with re-entering the world.

2. I find that I'm becoming pseudo-introverted, wanting to keep more private about OUR life. It's one thing to lay myself out to the world, but I want to keep my baby close and protected.

In any case, she's now 8 weeks old and still cute cute cute and I still worry worry worry that anything could ever happen to her. I suppse this is normal. She sleeps very well, but I am so hyper-alert at night that I awake every time she moves. Someone advised me today to have her sleep further from me, but I don't want that either. I really just want every minute I can to be physically as close to her as possible.

Today we were out all day together from about 10:30-4:30. We saw a breast specialist in upstate New York. I'm still having problems with the thrush but have new information of how to treat it and feel much better about it, at least emotionally. We also ran another important errand and had to spend at least an hour, probably more, in different intervals sitting in the backseat nursing before and after our errands.

Most significantly, we visited the school again. This was for several purposes... one is that I'm trying to get used to just being there again. The shock was too great last time. I was a whole different person in my old person place and it felt terribly unsettling. I need to smooth that out before my full re-entry. Also, I had a meeting with my assistant. There was some stuff in that meeting that I wasn't looking forward to and have been worrying about, but now that it's done I feel I did the best I could both in the meeting and in some things I offered to do before my return. There is still plenty of worry-material, but I'm trying very very hard to focus on action rather than thinking about where I might be doing something wrong. It's too guiltifiying and gives me a headache. I'm reminding myself that worry ruins today and doesn't help tomorrow. (I stole that from a quote but, sadly, I don't remember whose.)

I recently mentioned on here a book I borrowed, but have not yet shared the title. It's called Nursing Mother, Working Mother and it's enormously helpful. It's mostly practical information such as legal issues and how best to utilize the breastpump etc. But it also hit some emotional points that really mean a lot to me. First of all, this is one of the first texts I've read that has really respected my desires to be a mother and need to work. Usually I feel like the idea is, "Of course you'd like to be home with your baby all the time, but if you just can't..." signifying some failure or poor order of priorities. Alternatively there is the view, "Your career is important. You are important. Don't let motherhood redefine you," when in fact I feel totally different than who I was and see myself with much more weight attached to MOTHER than I ever imagined or than I attach to TEACHER. This book really believes in closeness with your child and it ASSUMES you have a good reason to go back to work, whether financial, career-oriented or what have you. So when I read this book, I don't feel like I have to continue questioning that choice.

(Before I go on, I should interject that the book very clearly states that all mothers are working mothers and that the term "working mother" tends to devalue the importance of stay-at-home parenting, but that for lack of another phrase, the author will continue to say "working mother.")

The book then says several other things that are very meaningful to me. For one, it says that mothers have ALWAYS been "working mothers." We get this idea in our heads that in a traditional culture, women stayed home with the kids while the men went out to work. But really, women were carrying enormous work burdens in addition. Today an enormous percentage of the world's farmers are women. And when these women have children, they strap them on their back or watch them play nearby. In addition, the children learn from being so close to the workplace.

What has changed in our culture and time, Pryor says, is that this is the only time in history and in any part of the world in which mothers are expected to separate from their children.

As I think of that, I really ache emotionally. I hate hate hate that that has been stolen from so many women and children. But Pryor talks about really good ways to keep that bond strong and cites studies that show children suffering no ill-effects long term as long as a good attachment is built between mother and child. Nursing is the shortest route to this attachment, but there are other ways as well.

I often think about how rushed most families seem to be. I know for myself that when I come home from work I tend to stay in overdrive until (or even past) my bedtime. I hope that that is not what I do though. Today when we got home (at around the time I suspect we will usually get home once I start work again), ND was fast asleep. So I made myself a snack and got some work done right away. But as soon as she woke up, I gave her my time. We nursed and did a Mommy Baby Exercise Routine. That was really fun. I want to try very hard to set aside time after that car nap in particular for us to be together. It will help both of us feel good, I hope.

One last thought in this very long post. I have often hoped that having a child would help me put things more in perspective. I'm a big worrier and I tend to come home feeling stressed. In many ways, having her certainly adds to the stress, but I think I was a little bit right. At least in this stage, when she's in my arms and when we're not having home-stress, the outside world is a little bit easier to make sort of melt away.

Postpartum Care

I'm currently reading Natural Health After Birth. It's a great book, discussing feelings and experiences that I thought were only mine. But now, I must say, the book also makes me feel sad and resentful.

During the pregnancy I had to search high and low for information, especially Jewish information, about Jewish or otherwise spiritual customs around pregnancy. It was hard to find and most of the people I know her could not be good resources.

Now I'm experiencing the same as I learn about what is available in other cultures and times for women postpartum.

In this country, at this time, it's all about getting back on your feet and back to work quickly. It's about receiving gifts to welcome the baby and it's about seeing if you can get family or friends to stay with you for a little while and hold the baby while you do other chores. (Or sometimes they do the chores while you hold the baby.) All of that is really good, and it's what I've been able to gratefully receive.

But there are rituals and standards that others have done that I knew NOTHING about. There's a lot about numerous countries keeping women really warm to help them heal. Had I known this right away, I might not be having some of the slight medical problems I'm having now. They could have been avoided.

There's postpartum massage. Do I really want to have to pay $90 to get one? Why don't we live in a culture in which it's just part of what postpartum women receive?

What about the herbs this book tells me about? Again, I have a few problems I need help with, but even if I knew how to leave the apartment with ND long enough to get what I needed, where would I go?

And rest... I keep pushing myself to do more. It's in my personality, but I wish there was a community of women who were authoritatively telling me to stop and that my body needs rest even if I can't feel it. I'm not trying to be a Superwoman, but I keep telling myself I need to do more and I wish someone would disagree.

There was a certain point, around Sukkot, during the pregnancy when I just utterly burned out of reading about pregnancy and birth, but I have to say that I wish I'd read this book before the birth. I would have set up some more things for myself. I'd like to think that by not having that I might be able to somehow be motivated to help others get more significant postpartum care. I just am not as comfortable with nurturing adults as I am with kids.

Charlotte's Web

Field trip today to see Charlotte's Web. It was fun to go, and in some ways the play was quite true to the book, even lifting text directly. However, there was an awful lot of slapstick too. One of my students said, "This was for babies." For example, when Wilbur finds out that the people intend to fatten him up and eat him, he starts acting goofy, running around screaming. Kids laughed and laughed and totally missed the point.

Similarly, when Charlotte's web is discovered, the actors acted goofy once again, pointing, shouting and running around instead of taking a moment to demonstrate awe. Again, kids laughed and laughed and some didn't know what had just happened.

I mentioned this to my colleague who disagreed with me. I wouldn't be surprised if she, like most of the world, thinks I'm too intense and serious. She said it was good to tone down the death aspects of the book.

But what's the POINT of the book unless that's minimized?! I really think children understand death better than we think, and it totally discredits them to shield them so much. What learning can happen, too, if you take good literature and just make it loud and silly.

It's a shortcut to gaining their connection, but will not foster any depth.

Sadly, we have not had a chance to read the book in class. But I asked the kids what part they liked best and several liked a scene in which Wilbur is being chased all over the farm. It is, in fact, in the book and I read them the excerpt. Many of them much preferred it. They said, "It gives more information," and "there were more details." Also, "more things happened."

I agreed.

Eagles, CT scans and Tokyo Story

I've a lot to catch up on here, but will try to keep it short.

Last Sunday U. and I went eagle watching with the Tenafly Nature Center. We saw about 8 eagles, a red-tailed hawk, and another interesting raptor that I can't remember. We've never gone bird watching before and truthfully I'm not sure I want to actively go out again. I love being in nature, but am not the kind of naturalist that can sit still just watching for something to happen. I'm more of the kind that goes deep inside myself when I'm in the woods, or walk through the woods actively and keep moving quickly. I go as quietly as I can so as not to disturb in that way, but I don't slow down so much. I've been listening to an audio tape of Jane Goodall's autobiographical Reason For Hope while driving. She talks about how, as a child of about 4, she wanted to know how an egg got out of a chicken. To make a long story short, she hid, waiting for a chicken to come lay an egg for a good four hours until she got to see it with her own eyes. I have too much energy for that.

In any case, it was lovely to get a peek at upstate New York and to be out of the house on that last day before returning to work after my winter break. Also delightful to have U. along. If it wasn't my sort of thing, it certainly wasn't his. But we had a great time together all the same.

On Wednesday I had another follow-up CT scan. This was probably one of the most painful one I've had simply because the technician stuck me quite hard. I bled a bit on the sheet, in fact. But he was also one of the friendliest so I'm not complaining. I've been getting checked every 3 months. From now on, it will be only every 6!

I don't get all that scared before a CT scan the way people do if they really have a legitimate reason to fear recurrence, but I do certainly go back into my memories. Everyday stuff seems less important when I'm remembering the time when I was just surviving day to day. I had to drink 3 huge things of barium throughout the day leading up. In a way I was glad because it was a way to actively express to myself that getting a scan is important. You don't just show up for the appointment. It takes you back to difficult memories and I wanted some way to sort of celebrate that.

Advice... apple flavored is less horrid than berry flavored barium.

Just now we watched Tokyo Story. It was indeed very slow and during the first half I just congratulated myself for making it so far through. But we stopped it now and then to discuss the movie, and truthfully, I found the whole thing quite touching. Yes, it's slow, but that's because it is very real. It presents busy life simultaneously with the undercurrent of how life feels for people who are not busy.

When I went to live in Vancouver, before I could get government permission to have a teaching job again, I decided to volunteer to work with elderly people. To help me prepare, a good friend of mine remarked that elderly are much like children. I felt that with Tokyo Story in the following way. There is a scene in which the two grandparents are sightseeing in Tokyo. They are at the top of a tall building and ask to see where each of their children's houses are. I suspect that a younger adult tourist would want to know business landmarks and the like. But if a child were up there, I'm sure s/he would just want to know where s/he lived. The fast-paced adults in this film HAVE to live the fast pace they do in order to sustain life for themselves as well as their children and parents. But that, by necessity, puts them out of sync with a pace of life that is truly in awe of the world around us.

Again, I imagine most people who would be unable to sit through this whole movie, but (even as I was waching the clock) I was quite moved during it, continue to feel moved by it now, and suspect I will think about it often in days to come.

May we all live to experience old age.

Middle Earth Geniza

Weird.

I just saw my old copy of "The Two Towers..." -- no, the ripped up cover of "The Two Towers" -- sitting out and my first thought was,

"I guess it's finally time for the geniza."

Is that sacrilegious, or just funny?

(A geniza is where you bury sacred religious texts instead of throwing them away when they're too worn.)

Just One More Thing: This Is About Channukah

I heard this on Friday and was really annoyed by it. Way to reduce Jews and Judaism to the old stereotype of exisiting only as oppressed Polish leprachauns.

I also objected to her complaining about Channukah being about war. I wonder if "war would be her thing" if she had something more authentic to defend.

I like Judaism to have a bit more substance. More alive than an old book.

(And I really like books.)

Writing Addiction

I've always said that the reason I have such a fast typing speed (I once tested at almost 90 wpm) is that in high school I was an obsessive journaler.

That seems to be the case lately as well between this blog and my SECRET one.

On Shabbos especially though I realize just how much other writing I need and want to do... so many projects that take a lot more work than a simple entry and that could eventually earn me a little money and fame.

So I'm going to try to be disciplined and do that now instead of this... tonight at least. (Saturday night is my one designated writing night currently and that doesn't necessarily mean more than a half an hour's work.)

On that note though, the author who most inspires me right now is Anne Lamott. Author of "Bird by Bird," one of the best books about writing, she's totally inspiring me right now with her book Traveling Mercies.

See now, that entry took about 8 minutes. I could have written a poem in that time, including creating links. But I get much quicker gratification with this.