Hacker

 I woke up on September 22 to discover my Facebook account had been hacked. 

Suddenly there was a certificate being posted about my being able to do something with cryptocurrency. Some friends left awkward posts congratulating me and I contacted them one by one to tell them it was a hack. Not me at all. 

I was shaken up by it, for sure, not quite as much as I would have thought. It was between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and I couldn't help thinking that this had something to do with that... the renewal of self that happens at that time of year. It seemed small in the swing of things and I thought maybe there was some new identity being reborn in me. 

I did try quite a few things to try to shake the hacker, but none of them was permanent. 

So we got through Yom Kippur, then moved our way into Sukkot. And before the end of the chagim, everything changed.

Oct. 7. I don't have to explain further.

One of the things that most fascinates me about trauma is how time stops. I was diagnosed with cancer in April of 2003. I accidentally wrote the date as April all the way into November that year. Time had stopped when the first me disintegrated, and time only gradually began to work the way it was supposed to again as I healed and got used to my new life. 

A lot has changed about me in the past two months. I think differently about war, about peace, about trust, about being Jewish, about Jew hatred, about allies and about Israel. I think about what I stand for. 

With all that, I've had a lot of rage, some depression, many nightmares, a lot of frantic recalibrating of how I spend my day navigating work, news, Tehillim and tears. 

Without revealing too much here, part of what has been particularly hard for me is a kind of ricocheting that goes back and forth between different perspectives. Well, earlier this week while watching a recording of some speakers on a zoom call, I suddenly found myself able to articulate my multiple truths in one breath. Doing this gave me a moment of peace. 

I don't want to discuss them right now. I'm sure my thoughts will continue to evolve, and if you want to discuss them I would prefer to do so face to face.

In any case, this week, not long after I came to that is one of the first weeks I've had in which I wasn't completely crushed during at least some part of the week. 

And it's also the week I got my Facebook profile back.

Today, thanks to a Facebook-employed friend of a friend, I'm back. I got to go through some housekeeping of deleting posts about helping people "escape debt" and wishing a Merry Xmas. I also had the fun of removing over a hundred people that Hack-Boy friended under my name. 

Once all that was done, I saw again the last post before I was hacked. If you scroll down you'll see it... video from my playing in the Kesher pre-slichot concert. 

The process of change happens all year, not just at Yom Kippur, but it is profound to be reminded of where we were just three months ago. 

Insight Timer

I’ve been a regular meditator for years. Meditation means taking at least one minute a day to sit mindfully or do yoga or SOMEthing. I know I’ve been doing it a long time because of my app Insight Timer where I log my time. 

In the years I’ve been doing this I’ve for sure had challenging mornings where I didn’t have time and set an alarm to come back to my mat or meditation bench later. I’ve also had very long and fruitful sessions. 45 minute sits. 90 minute yoga sessions.

I’ve been proud of my discipline, proud of my commitment. The log on my Insight Timer helped me stay true to my commitment. 

But about two weeks ago, I goofed. Hectic morning. NDR needed a ride last minute. Busy day. Preoccupied with work and too engrossed in watching the news.

I flat out forgot.

Once I realized, I reflected on the day. Had I done anything that could count? A meditative moment, a few stretches?

I couldn’t think of a single thing. Even my davening time had been distracted. Nothing I could justify as an intentional moment.

And with that, my streak ended. 2918 days. 

That’s right. Almost 8 full uninterrupted years.

I would have thought I’d be devastated. It’s actually strangely freeing. I meditate to help me stabilize myself, but I do other things that help me with that too. I’m actually finding myself a little more mindful of my throughout-the-day moments in a way that is different from before. It won’t stay. Things change and that enables me the room to find myself again.

It paved the way for something else too. I had another streak going with Duolingo. I do like racking up points there and practicing languages. I also love my 462 day streak. 

But let’s keep purpose in mind. In a month I’m flying to Israel to sit and process everything that’s happened and to support my friends who are there. My Hebrew is rusty and Duolingo’s Hebrew program is really poorly written. NDR has been stunned at weird ways things are worded on there and I’m tired of memorizing names of animals. If I mean what I say, that I actually want to brush up my Hebrew, I need to do it with true intention. I considered keeping my Spanish program on but Hebrew is the hardest language for me to integrate and I need to minimize my own confusion.

So I pulled out my old text book and am working my way through intentionally. One step at a time without a digital streak counter.

And I think I believe in myself more now that I can stay true to my goals.