21 year remission anniversary

My chemo cycles were three weeks long. After a treatment I was so weak that I left the hospital in a wheelchair. The next day, a walk up and down our the short block could take a half an hour. One foot in front of the other... steady steady, come home soon to rest. 

But then I'd get stronger, day by day, until the next treatment. 

The day before the next treatment I would go for long hikes... one foot in front of the other for as many miles as I could.

It's 21 years today since I went into remission. My dad and I hiked a section of The Long Path a year and a half ago. Today I pick up from where we left off and see how far I go. One foot in front of the other. 

Poem: Sukkot 5785

Sukkot 5785

On Sukkot we embrace 

and are embraced

by vulnerability.

We leave our warm beds 

and go outside

to live in a house 

with a leaking roof.

It has no locks.

Sometimes not even doors.

As I prepare

to leave my warm bed

and to step into the air

I think of those

who had done so already.

The holidays were ending.

Their routines were about to begin anew

but then they never came home

and we don't know where they are

or whether or not 

they remember their beds.

Witness

Facebook is a terrible place for discussion. It’s a terrible place for persuasion. I hate posting things here because it makes me so incredibly vulnerable. Yet I keep doing it, especially about my Jewish experience. Why do I keep doing this? Because I’m begging people outside my experience to bear witness. I’m asking them to bear witness for me while I am in the act of bearing witness for my extended family. 

Today I watched Screams Before Silence I didn’t watch it because it was easy. It wasn’t. I did it because it is my responsibility and my privilege as a living Jew to bear witness to those who were abused and silenced. 

Years ago I attended a funeral in which the rabbi arranged us in concentric circles. The bereaved were in the center. Their closest friends and family stood behind them. And each circle further and further towards the outside witnessed and confirmed the adjacent circle that was closer to the center.

So why do I keep posting? Many of you are going through the same thing as me. We share our grief together. We are in the same circle.

But some of you are not. You’re outside of our community, outside of our experience. What I’m asking of you us to bear witness to us, to all of us, who are still living with so much shock and grief.

Do it by listening. Not debating. Not even commenting. Just listening.

Tell us you’ve heard so we feel less alone.

Here's What Happens

Why is it that I haven't been able to come to a resting place after all these months? Why isn't grieving enough? Why do I feel at war? Why can't I settle, resolute, in what I believe?

I keep going through some kind of process, trying to find my own absolute truth, and I keep getting kicked out of what I wish I knew. 

Here's an example:

Last night Kamala Harris met with Bibi Netanyahu and then gave a short speech. It was just about perfect. It held perfect truths. Though not her words exactly, here is what I glean from what she said and believes to be true:

-Israel was attacked mercilessly and has a right to to defend itself. 

-Also, Bibi Netanyahu has made highly problematic choices.

-There is a humanitarian crisis in Gaza. Innocent Palestinian civilians are suffering.

-We should not see this issue as a binary. It is more nuanced and more complex.

I wrote to some friends last night that this kind of perspective has the potential to get us actually talking to each other again.

And then I second guessed some of the rage I've been feeling. And I asked myself am I no longer the compassionate person I wish to be.

And then I saw a video of interviews with Palestinians on the street who say that the Jews should go back to Europe. When the interviewer reminds her they've been kicked out of nearly every country there is, she blames us for being bad people and causing ourselves to be kicked out. And another man reiterates the lie that rapes didn't happen.

And I saw a photo of one of the hostages whose murdered body was just recovered and someone had left a laughing emoji.

And I heard that an old college friend who was easygoing and so much fun to play Set with is continuing to post simplistic anti-Israel cartoons.

And I learned that a little get-together and vigil is being held at the France Olympics to mourn the loss of one of the terrorists who was killed after participating in the operation that kidnapped and murdered Israeli athletes in Munich, including castrating one of them in front of his teammates. 

And the Muslim-Jewish Sisterhood to which I devoted years of peace-building work -- getting trained, learning, leading -- has now twice ignored a carefully written letter of mine to voice my concerns. 

And on top of all that, I learn that Kamala's speech has now perhaps inadvertently derailed yet another hostage deal.

I'll quote a friend of mine who says that when the BLM movement took place, they said, "We shouldn't have to do the work. You do the work."

I've done so much work, and this is where I'm left. Who is doing the work on our behalf? What happens if I decide not to care anymore about what anyone else thinks?

My conscience will pull me back again, I know. It will worry I've missed something of who I am, of my heart. I will care. And then I'll get knocked back again. 

Old Friends

One of my summer goals is always to get together with old friends.

This is a lot more complicated this year.

“Hey! So great to talk to you? How’ve you been?”

“So nice to speak to you too! 

“Well, my people were raped, massacred and taken hostage by terrorists. The terrorists who did it simultaneously took great glee and pride in doing it and then convinced the west that it didn’t actually happen and also that it did but deserved it and not to listen to whiny Jews because none of us can be trusted and we control everything and the massacre was resistance and Jews were aggressors. 

“I don’t know what news you’ve heard or not heard and are open to and whether all along you’ve actually had unidentified anti-Israel bias or subtle and unidentified anti-Jewish assumptions and I don’t know whether this time we’ve set aside together for the next hour is going to be a catching up or a battleground and if I’m going to have to give you a history or geopolitical lesson and also my take on where Netanyahu is wrong but that Israel has no good options and that the IDF has done a great number of things to protect civilians and this matters to me greatly and involves centuries of trauma and of course I don’t want Palestinian babies killed etc. etc. etc.

“Also, NDR is graduating high school next year. How are you?”

Every day I think of friends I’d like to call but there is so much at risk if I make that move.

If you miss me, if you want to get together, please… call. When you do, let me know that you believe and accept my trauma and that I can talk about if I want to but that I don’t have to and that I don’t need need to justify my experience to you. Please treat me with the respect that you would of any friend who has suffered major loss or of any minority who is misunderstood. Please don’t be hurt if I don’t make the call myself. Please be brave and make it yourself instead.

A few questions

I have a few questions. 

I'm anxious about posting these publicly but without doing so they are rattling around in my head. I'm not even exactly sure whom I'm asking.

If you feel you can respond to any of these, and you'd like to have a sincere and respectful conversation, please message me privately and let's set up a time to actually speak... not text. 

1. If you are someone who thinks Jews are over-reacting to reports of Jew hatred, what would it take for you to consider them NOT to be over-reacting? An answer to this could be along the lines of either what hate actions go to far for you, or what Jews should be doing differently.

2. If you are someone who attends protests, what are you hoping to accomplish? Have you considered any unintended consequences to your attendance at those protests? If so, what have you done to offset those?

3. Have you considered the possibility that Jews do not actually support genocide? Follow-up question... do you see the harm in accusing them of such?

A traffic moment

In lower Manhattan a bike runs a red light across the intersection in front of me, taking me surprise.

Me: You a-------, you run a red light, I hit you with my car, and then you go and f---ing blame the Jews!

 ND: Wow... no pent up trauma there. 

Israel on 5th - The Non-Parade

They didn't want to call it a parade today. With an exception or two, there was no live music. Families from the hostage forum marched calling, 

"What do we want?" 

"All of them!" 

"When do we want them?" 

"Now!"

I didn't know those details until later. I was marching with a school. By the time the schools got on the route, it felt in many ways very much like the usual parade.

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Six Months

The entire teen choir

When HaZamir scheduled this year's gala concert at Carnegie Hall, there is no way anyone could know that it would come on the day that marked 6 months from a massacre on Israeli soil.

HaZamir is the International Jewish teen choir. This means that all of the chapters work all year from all around the U.S. as well as from several different chapters in Israel. On the weekend before the gala concert they come together for an intense weekend together, bonding and practicing late into the night, before bringing their talents to us.

The concert was incredibly powerful this year with an entire repertoire devoted to Israel and the strength and survival of the Jewish people. There were different ensembles -- first the teen choir, then the chamber choir, etc. As these performances are published online I will try to share them in future blogposts. 

Just the Israelis

One of the pieces was just the Israelis, minus the other teens. The sang V’hisheamda, liturgy from the Pesach seder that speaks of how in every generation there are people who rise up against us, but Gd always saves us. Two young woman introduced them. At least one of them was displaced. (We knew this because she told us she was from Ofakim. ) I wonder who in her neighborhood was murdered that day. Whom does she know that is being held hostage at this very moment. Who does she know that is risking their lives to defend the country. 

When the Israelis came on stage, the entire Hall stood and applauded them for a long powerful moment. We bathed them in love and I could see they felt the strength of it. I will hold onto that strength myself too for the long road ahead.

We Want It All

This post was written on March 10th, posted on March 11th.

I wish blogger would let me post the video I have on my phone... it was filmed just a few miles away from our home during a local protest.   (Message me privately. I'll send it to you.) In any case, below is what you can hear in the video.

"Say it loud, say it clear.

We don't want no zionists here.

Settlers settlers go back home.

Palestine is not your home.

We don't want no two-state.

We want '48.

We don't want no two-state.

We want all of it. "

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Friend from the past

Aine and I met during a semester in Ireland. We became close friends, traveled together, and stayed in touch on and off over the years. Our connection was rekindled especially deeply during the scary days of COVID. We began connecting somewhat regularly (although not frequently) over zoom. Once the COVID threat began to diminish, I drove four hours to visit her in New Hampshire. She later reciprocated for a weekend visit to us with one of her daughters. 

Aine is an ordained minister. She does not have a congregation now, preferring instead to connect with people through InterPlay, a program which I think I understand to use body awareness to connect with the soul and with each other. She’s worked with communities, using InterPlay to help them dialogue. 

In the shock-ridden days of mid-October, she reached out to me, checking in and telling me that she held me in her heart. As our texted conversation progressed, she expressed her hopes for peace and safety, her empathy for Israelis as well as her empathy for the Palestinian people. It was here that I began to feel uncertain of our conversation but I couldn’t verbalize why. 

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