Contrasts on Tisha B'Av

Tricky day as always, to try and feel legitimate mourning, and yet not to fake it so much that it feels artificial.

Last night I went as always to the Teaneck Women's Tefillah group for Eicha. A beautiful and solemn reading with no chitchat. Afterwards we sang Eli Tsiyon. Too beautiful for me to join in without a tear.

This morning I went to my shul's kinot. I must be honest. I do not like kinot at all. I find them extremely hard to connect to, but I didn't want to be home without being active in addressing the day. In addition, I wanted to show my face at shul, to show that the day mattered.

There was just over a minyan there. I was the only woman. Everything about the service was fine. When we got to Eli Tsiyon the men sang fast, though, ready to go home. After two hours in shul I was eager too, especially since I hadn't even since ND awake yet and wanted to be the one to drive her to camp. But when the men sang, it sounded like a victory march.

Was it the pacing? The fact that it was men's voices? An inattentiveness to what the song meant? Or the fact that sadness is just easier to connect with at night, especially when the day isn't awaiting you elsewhere?

I hope I don't sound judgmental as generating the right tone on Tisha B'Av is really a major challenge. But I hope to make it clear too that there are very good reasons for women's leadership -- certainly for women, perhaps for women and men both.

Again, if the less meaningful mourning was not because of men's leadership but was only the time of day, think of how sun is meant often as a symbol for men. Moon for women. And that's where I will go to find meaning.

Getting Wet

Had an unexpected and interesting conversation about childbirth with someone the other day. We were both talking about how the "pain" of childbirth is difficult to talk about it because it's secondary to the whole experience, and yet is all that some people think about in regards to that same experience.

I found a good metaphor.

Most of us would prefer not to go out in the rain, but when you go surfing, you expect to get wet.

One Week In...

Just sent this to my writer's group;

Need some Nanowrimo cheerleading please. I need to average 2,500 words per day (skipping Saturdays) to finish before my vacation deadline.

I've just put my characters through a painful experience that is going to lead them towards being hurtful to each other.

I'd rather be out playing with my family right now but I'm trying to keep moving forward.

I don't trust my writing perspective because I'm having to change POV between two different characters and I hadn't wanted to keep it to one.

And I'm hungry but refuse to get out of this seat until I've at least finished 1,000 of today's words.

And going back to what I said before, I really hate putting my characters through pain, but I realize it's necessary.

And yesterday I was glued to a book written by a WAC member that is so much better than I can do that I just don't know if I can measure up. (Angie, that's yours.)

Augh! The martyr-ish self-satisfied agony of writing! What a weird way to spend my summer vacation!