And then it hit

I've been really missing my blog. I've been thinking about it regularly and today is the perfect day to write what I'm up to.

So here we've been in the pandemic now for over 2 years. The anxiety of wondering how things would go if it came to our family has been a lot. The shoe finally dropped for me in the form of my catching COVID. So far my family is perfectly fine, thankfully.

I won't go into all the details, but I do want to share where I'm holding today. Last week on Monday I was already feeling ill. I was certain it was allergies. I got a PCR Tuesday night which is when I tested positive. The remainder of the week was spent in bed with bad cold/flu symptoms. 

Over the weekend I started to really recover. U kicked me out of the house to take a walk when he saw me fidgeting. Sunday afternoon I continued to push myself. I did a few loads of laundry (which means using stairs a lot) and went for two walks, one short and one long. The shorter one winded me, but later the longer one (15 minutes) was great. 

By evening, though, I was short of breath and realized I might not make it to work Monday.

Sure enough... Monday was a fight to breathe. My doctor put me on steroid inhalers and, by afternoon when it still wasn't resolving, prednisone as well. 

The day felt like a giant panic. I was so frustrated with my inability to control the day for my students. The tightness in my chest led to natural panic too. All day my colleagues told me remotely to stop worrying, but I couldn't. My supervisor talked me down from worrying about the whole week and told me to take things one day at a time. 

Today's another story. I'm still needing to go slow, to respect both my lungs and the effects of the medicines, but I feel more ease about doing so. I'm starting to trust more to my colleagues and am most grateful for the ones who are actively communicating with me. 

(I'll make a note of that. Could be others would like the same from me when are situations are reversed. I'll try to ask in the future.)

This certainly brings up memories of when I had cancer, of when I've had to take care of myself differently, but I accept those memories fairly comfortably. It doesn't hold the same darkness or worry that it once did. 

I'm worried about tomorrow. I don't know how to judge when I'm ready to return and I don't know yet what my plans will be for my students (or what to just turn over to others), but I'm feeling more like maybe I can wait and see. 

Yes, I can take it one day at a time. Thanks to the person who told me to do that. And thanks to her too for letting my students call me and wish me better. 

Limits

I have not forgotten that I'm only 10% to my goal of 100 actions. This week I needed to attend to my own life with more energy and take a break from the noise.

This is not the last week I'll have like that. It makes me a better person. I'll be back. Just wait.

11th Remission Anniversary

A very special one this has been so far.

I didn't know how to mark it really. Last year I sort of gave myself permission to stop finding enormous meaning in it. The chagim have just finished so I barely have had time to prepare in any way, and then I got this horrendous cold Friday night, right after Simchat Torah. I thought at first it was from all of the singing, but I was short of breath during some of the dancing in a way that meant more than just overexertion. ND and I were both up much of the night. As much as I rested through the weekend, I had fever Sunday night which is so odd for me! So I missed Monday and Tuesday of work.

Here's where this starts to turn. I spoke to my meditation teacher on Tuesday at 11:30 and as we spoke I went deep deep deep into my vulnerability again. I haven't touched this place much recently as I've been trying to be calmer about feeling illness. I remembered too that I often get sick at this time. I cried a lot. We had a very special conversation that I'm going to keep mostly to myself now.

But beautifully, when I got off the phone, I felt so much more energy! So good that today when I returned to work one of my other dearest friends said I just didn't look sick and said, "Your body always remembers, doesn't it? Now you know though that you can heal."

I got so much today. So many well-wishes, sometimes in the midst of little frustrations. To have someone sincerely wish me "from strength to strength" while I'm wrestling with a copy machine makes me zoom out in perspective rapidly and forcefully.

11 years I saw the ending of a renegade part of me -- a tumor -- tried to grow so fast that it could have killed me. I loved it out of existence (I know that sounds weird, but it was a part of me) and walked into life again. And here I am.

I don't feel fear or sadness or illness, guilt or shame today. Just love.

Manic Activism

I think this tends to happen to me in the spring that I start to feel a sort of manic activism.

I just got home from watching Vegucated with my CSA as a launch for this year's farm share. It got me reflecting once again on my food choices which is a little stressful for me because there are so many "don'ts" and "can'ts," some more self-imposed than others. I try to be mostly vegetarian and would consider veganism if 1. I didn't love cheese but 2. (more importantly) I wasn't allergic to nuts and wary of soy. I would love to craft the most humane food-eating regimen possible, but for my food sensitivities, Kashrut, difficulty to come by certain foods, high risk for breast cancer (and so avoidance of soy) etc. After the images of animal mistreatment, however, I think it's tragic how many people eat meat -- including Kosher -- without fully realizing the impact of their consumption. If they knew, they might still choose to eat meat. But shouldn't they know?

It's not just food on my mind.

I'm also about to start my yearly Tread On Trafficking campaign to combat modern day child sexual slavery.

I'm writing an article about issues of gender in the Orthodox Jewish Community.

I spent a weekend with a dear friend that reminds me of my desire to watch my actions environmentally throughout every part of my day. (Amazing how proximity to the right people can remind you of values you share.)

I also just completed phase 1 of a project in my school to reduce waste production, especially of plastic water bottles. I'm proudest of that because it took a lot of planning and I see the effects immediately, but I'll return to that in another post.

I suppose when I'm like this, it could start getting annoying for others. All this desire to change is a form of perfectionism for the world and we all know how unhealthy perfectionism can be. I may be labeled idealist, self-righteous, obnoxious. They would be fair labels.

However, the alternative is dire. The things I'm aware of that drive me towards working on each of these causes (and more) must be tackled if not actually changed. The fact that so many people are  unaware is frightening.

Like the bumper sticker says, "If you're not pissed off, you aren't paying attention."


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Game Changer

Well now, this is an interesting one…

I'm home sick today with a nasty cold. Runny nose, coughing deep in the bronchial tubes. The works.

As always I feel a little frustrated, pitiful, a little scared even maybe guilty. Maybe.

Check this out… this is my SECOND sick day I've taken since the start of the school year.

That's huge.

In the past I often was lucky to keep it to an average of one day per month.

This is due to a combination of things, I'm sure.

For one, I don't work Fridays, which means that sometimes when I'm not feeling well I just make it to Friday and then go slow.

Secondly, I don't have the same stress levels now that I'm not a classroom teacher.

Thirdly, I've been differentiating more between all-out-sick (like today) and just my fatigue spells that I still get quite regularly and I think probably will get for the rest of my life.

Fourth, because my job is not that of a classroom teacher, I can get through the a fatigue day whereas the thought of facing a classroom on a day like that was daunting.

Fifth, maybe I'm just taking better care of myself. Not that I wasn't before, but it's a constant focus. Maybe I'm growing in my ability to stay well.

I still laid in bed on Shabbat worrying about whether I had cancer again. I rehashed all the frightening memories that go with having my lung space compromised the way it is right now and was then before my diagnosis 11 years ago. Overall I know I just have a cold, that this is a normal cold that all people are susceptible to, and that I'll be back to normal when my body's had the time to rest…

...as it will today. Just as soon as I thank G-d and then get back into bed.

Getting Wet

Had an unexpected and interesting conversation about childbirth with someone the other day. We were both talking about how the "pain" of childbirth is difficult to talk about it because it's secondary to the whole experience, and yet is all that some people think about in regards to that same experience.

I found a good metaphor.

Most of us would prefer not to go out in the rain, but when you go surfing, you expect to get wet.

Meat Quota Reached

I wrote in June about this year's meat-eating experiment. In a nutshell, I wanted to see if I could eat meat 25 times or less within a year, starting with the beginning of the season for my CSA. Well, I hit number 25 during Pesach. I guess I really should have started with Pesach because I ate meat 7 or 8 times (depending on how you count.... I had soup with a tiny bit of meat in it on the last two times because it was delicious soup, but skipped the chicken those days). Pesach is an interesting time. We're so limited on what we can eat, we're providing for family, we're sometimes guests, it's a chag and therefore worth if not actually commanded to eat meat in order to show the importance of the day. I also was glad to have almost all the meat I consumed at that time purchased from Grow and Behold and therefore, organic, free range and all that other good stuff.

In any case, over the year I have found that I am losing my taste in meat more and more. I have several times eaten it and felt it wasn't good enough to be worth it, it sometimes made me feel a little ill afterwards, and sometimes I was just very aware of the loss of life necessary to create it. I have also become very sensitive to how often others consume meat, how much of it, and how little aware. Prime examples are Tuesdays and Thursdays when I have lunch duty at school and which happen to be fleishig days at school. Mass amounts of meat are prepared for these kids, and a depressing portion go straight into the garbage without the children even consuming it. They grab what's given to them, eat a few bites and then would rather chat with their friends, or just don't like what they've been given.

Finally, I've been reading little bits of a book I stumbled upon last year at Powell's called Judaism and Animal Rights. It's a collection of varied and excellent essays discussing every angle I can possibly think of regarding meat consumption and other issues around animals as we face them both today and in Jewish history. I am really coming to believe that drastically reducing our consumption of meat is a Torah value more consistent than any demonstration of food consumption we do today in the name of Judaism. Thanks to this book I also see why that's a controversial idea, but there any many great thinkers and rabbis who believe this to be true. This is true for health reasons, ethics reasons from many different angles, and even in sheer awareness and appreciation of the gifts G-d heaps upon us.

So I'm trying again this year, starting again at the resumption of the CSA distribution, but I will see if this time I can eat meat just 18 times before next Pesach. That way I can begin again the following Pesach with as much as I need, but still be able to count my meals for the rest of the year without worry.

Self-Care for the benefit of others

I put a lot of effort and focus into self-care. Yoga in the morning, trying to eat well during the day, breathing deep to dissipate stress and so on.

And I often feel guilty doing all of this because I know many people's response might be "You have time for that?" 

But one of the benefits of having sort of a rocky inner landscape and a tentative immune system is that I've learned I'm the only one who can take care of myself, and that if I don't, there will be consequences.

So in theory I feel pretty good about the choices I make and hope I can inspire others to do the same in whatever form it takes for them.

Add into that the helplessness I feel when someone is not doing well and I can't fix it for them... if they try their best and want my help, I'm empowered to try and do something to get them there.

But if they're not, well, we're kind of stuck. I don't like how that feels. I hope I can keep from putting others in that position by doing the majority of the work myself.

Making a Difference

Tonight I had some friends over to celebrate my 9 year remission anniversary. (That's one-fourth of my life that I've been a survivor.) Somehow I'm connecting it very strongly to the loss of my mentor, Michael this year and I spoke about him to my friends.

Throughout the night we talked about many things and it kept coming up again and again, the idea of people who had made a difference in our lives, often by a single interaction among many. I keep feeling like the work I want to do in healing the world will not happen through teaching. But maybe I've been wrong. Two of the friends there tonight are my friends because I taught their daughters and made a difference to them directly. I've sometimes been thinking I want to get out of the school environment because it is so intense, rushed and stressful in many ways, but maybe I'm needed there to help kids navigate it. Also, I care more about emotional landscape and survival than I do about teaching reading and writing. But maybe that's the very reason I need to continue.

I've just been published at the PLP network where I wrote about my childhood and compared it to contemporary suburban NJ childhoods. Maybe taking the question and knowledge I have of my ideal world, and taking it with me when I enter the world in front of me, can provide some small amount of respite or change or possibility to the children who enter the room to work with me each day. And maybe writing about this reflection can make a difference to others further away.

Maybe I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and don't need to worry about it so much.

The Meat Experiment

I love my personal experiments. I had a great time with the no-buying-clothes year and the no-sugar year. Each has been a fun project and has enhanced my awareness of a particular area of how I live my life and has helped inform decisions after the experiment is over.

Now the background and details for this year’s experiment:

I’ve always been a conflicted meat eater. For a number of years I was vegetarian. I stopped when I was traveling and realized I would be relying on Kosher meals from strangers and didn’t want to put them out. Over the years I have also discovered that I like meat and I’m willing to respect that the Torah says it’s OK to eat meat despite the fact that I feel terrible about killing an animal to do so.

I’m not okay with the blind and shrink-wrapped way in which so many people eat meat, unaware of what they are doing – I include myself in this. I’m not okay with the uncomfortable lives the animals lead before their slaughter. I’m not okay with the antibiotics and so on injected into them. I’m not okay with how frequently we eat meat. I’m not okay with the environmental impact of so much cattle being raised for consumption.

I’ve considered eating only free range Kosher meat such as that from Grow and Behold, but I know I can’t rely on that all of the time. Sometimes I just want a hot dog when it’s handed to me.

So, as I’ve written about before, I’m part of a Hazon CSA through the Tenafly JCC. A few weeks ago we heard Nigel Savage of national Hazon speak. He spoke about many things, but one in particular really affected me. He said “We’ve all been part of fruitless conversations between vegetarians and non-vegetarians,” and went on to tell of how he introduced the topic to a group of people at a food conference. He asked for a show of hands from people who were meat eaters but who would not eat meat if they had to see the animal killed. He also asked for a show of hands of vegetarians who would eat meat if they could be part of the process.

The following conference led to them bringing in a shochet and actually slaughtering the goat they would use for their meal. Anyone who wanted to watch could. Many meat eaters wouldn’t touch it, and many vegetarians did.

He went on to talk about how that experience helped him really increase his appreciation for eating meat, and reduce the number of times he does it.

So my plan, quite simply, is to eat meat a limited amount this year. I want to begin this week because this is when we have our first CSA distribution. I want the amount to be 25 times. That allows an average of once almost every two weeks. I know I will eat more at Pesach and can abstain more during other times. Now I can still eat junky meat like hot dogs if I choose, but know that I have used of one of my times for the year.

That’s it. Simple. Care to join me?

Revision to "Hardly Any"

So now some obsession is back... maybe not as bad as in the past.

But whatever I had that knocked me out when I wrote "hardly any"... I still seem to have. I missed another day of work on Monday, the day after Purim. And again several other days and parts of days throughout last week and this one.

This is a big week. I had parent-teacher conferences on Monday night and have them again tonight. Yesterday I felt fine in the morning, but whoozy by afternoon. Monday I came to school late and went home early (and pale, I'm told) before coming back for conferences. Didn't go in at all today as my throat has started swelling, and it's never good for me to teach like that if I want to get through the day.

I think I'm ok for tonight though. Maybe unrealistically optimistic about tomorrow.

Am I worried? I guess. A lot? No. I'll get through it. I just don't like it.

Hardly Any

Home sick today. Felt hardly any guilt about it. After all, I've had a much healthier year and I went in yesterday only to find myself so fatigued I needed to leave by afternoon.

That doesn't mean I didn't obsess today. I spent plenty of time wondering whether I should be sleeping, writing, watching a movie, starting Shabbos cooking, doing yoga. Plenty.

But no guilt. At least, hardly any. That's progress.

Predictable Irony: Health Addendum

I can think of very few times when I've talked about having good health and then remained in good health. The good news is that my lapse this week was very short, --a product, I hope, of the things mentioned in my last post.

Tuesday night I began to feel fatigued (rather than tired) and and had a scratchy throat. I went to bed early, did a Wet Socks Treatment and went to bed as early as I could. I warned my assistant over email the night before, and in the morning I slept in some, did a very long restorative yoga session and came in an hour late. I was tired and slow all day, but made it through and felt fine again the next day. Still, I didn't go back on the exercise bike, and stuck to yoga instead the rest of the week, although more rigorous than the restorative.

I forgot to mention a few things in the last post:

I see a chiropractor weekly most of the time. We have a special deal worked out and I really appreciate having someone regular with whom to check in about my health.

U. and I lift weights in the evenings a few times per week when I'm feeling well.

There's more too, but now that I have time to write about it, I can't remember... (Need some of that "Get Smart" tea made by the same people as the Wellness Tea I mentioned in the last post. Yes, I do drink it, but not every day.)

Life Wish Installment Number 3: Health

As promised in my post Winter Vacation!, here is my 3 Life Wish Installment... one in which I'm already making huge strides... health.

Anyone who has known me or followed my blog for some time knows that health is a big issue for me... or has certainly been a worry. Not so much because of my history with cancer directly... I don't consciously worry much about big things happening to me. However, when I catch a cold, I get anxious and upset and even blame myself for it happening. And in previous years it really seemed to happen quite a lot! Sometimes I felt sick every week. I've done a lot to look into it... visited doctors, taken tons of supplements, read websites about scary diseases, charted every runny nose and when during the week or month I received it etc.

Thank G-d, this is the first year in which I think I'm actually making significant progress. I am much more aware of my body, taking more active steps to help it and the result is I get through more weeks feeling better than before.

So if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share what's gotten me there.

To begin, I've had an attitude shift. In the past I think if I felt healthy I tried really hard to conquer the world and pushed my body to the limit. I still feel that tendency, but now realize I need to practice moderation in my energy levels more carefully. Instead of seeing myself as being well or unwell, I realize how delicate my body really is and how much attention it needs at all times to remain healthy. Before, too, I often thought I was getting sick near the end of the week. Now I know that that is energy depletion and that I have to stop and rest as soon as possible at that time if I want to prevent anything coming.

1. I try to sleep enough. I read a book recommended to me years ago called Sleep Thieves. This book scared the be-jeebees out of me by talking about the terrible habits we have entered into as a society, ridiculing sleep, and how many accidents and fatalities are the result. Around the time I was reading it, I was starting to worry too about my memory. I would have terrible trouble with word recall, especially by the afternoon and was losing things all the time. I thought I was getting enough sleep... between 6 1/2 to 7 1/2 hours probably, skimping extra near the end of the week when I just had to push hard to get to the weekend. After reading this book I finally learned that are bodies actually want 9 hours and should be able to get by on 8. Sounds like an indulgence, but I tried it and am kinder, more present, more relaxed, more efficient and less forgetful than before... not to mention healthier. Does this mean I get 9 hours of sleep each night? Definitely not. But I try really hard to get closer to it. For sure I try to get to bed quite early (even giving up time to talk to my husband at all!) one or two nights in the beginning of the week and really go for a marathon sleep night. More importantly, I try to be really conscious of remembering what my body needs. A lot of time I get that little burst of energy or "second wind" right around 8. I want to badly to stay up late then! But as an early riser (5 AM), I need to be mindful of what's happening and remind myself gently to wind down anyway. It helps that U. knows how important this is and reminds me.

2. I've sort of given up sugar... sort of. At Simchat Torah we stayed with some wonderful friends, but friends who really enjoy treats and I ate a LOT of sugar. I also met a person I had known via internet for awhile, but never in person and we spoke about her growth with health. One of her big steps was giving up sugar. Now I'm not deluding myself... there is sugar in all kinds of things, including fruit. But I tried to give up refined sugar where it was not necessary... no cookies, cakes, candies, pastries sitting in the teacher's room. No cereals with sugar in the label (except I haven't had the nerve to look at regular Cheerios to see if they have it). When I bake, I use alternatives, including honey. Admittedly, I'm confused about honey now based on what's in the link I posted above, but I've already read a lot about the positive properties of honey too, so I'm not going to worry about that too much.

I've known for a long time that sugar and immunity opposed each other. I can feel myself craving sugar (and salts, actually) when I'm coming down with something, and I sometimes feel (real or imagined) scratchy throatedness immediately after having something. But stopping it completely was informative. I made it through with no cheating from Simchat Torah, but blew it when I saw suganyot (donuts) on Channukah. I ate one and it didn't taste that good to me.

I've cheated other times now too, especially if extraordinary baker friends make something, but I'm way more conscious of this now and only have sugar after a long hard thought. We'll see where this goes in the future, but I think it makes a big difference.

3. Now for my regular routine... below is some more of my day.

When I get up in the morning (between 5 and 5:30) I do a nasal rinse. Neti pots work, but I'm happy with SinuFlo. Do this again at night.

Then I give myself a sesame oil massage. I first hard about sesame oil from this person I met who gave up the sugar, but we didn't talk about it much. She just talked about using it on her body to help protect herself from illness. I read online about massage, and then took it further after reading The Healer Within, a book I ran across in the library while looking, in desperation, for books about using diet to help me with immunity. He does not talk about sesame oil, but does tell how to use massage first with ears, hands and feet as well as the rest of the body. Sometimes I just spend 2-3 minutes massaging. Other times maybe 10 minutes. I know I could go longer.

Next I spend a few minutes doing things I need to like feeding my cat, getting bags ready for school etc., and then it's time to exercise. If I'm feeling great, I go on the exercise bike. I'd love to go for a half hour but usually it's more like 10-15 minutes, and stretch afterward. If I prefer, or it's not a weekday, or I'm targeting something in particular, I do yoga. I have been doing yoga for many years and so I have plenty of ways to build my own routine, but I also subscribe to www.myyogaonline.com, a wonderful site started by someone I know in Vancouver, B.C. I pay for it, but it's vastly worth it. A year's membership costs less than buying some classes, and there's a wealth of information that I use very regularly. If I'm really short on time, I go for short exercises that might help my chi. For example, here's a very short video from a friend of mine I met while traveling in Ireland years ago. She has since become a massage therapist and Chinese Medicine practitioner. (Hooray, Facebook for helping me find her again!)

After that, I shower, daven, wake up ND, eat, and off we run, trying to get her dropped off at her school and me to my school by 8 AM. (I'm usually a few minutes late.)

I get very very very wrapped up in my work and find myself running frequently. Throughout the day I try to be very mindful of my energy levels and my breath. I try to notice when I'm "spinning" into overdrive, and consciously breathe. I do this with my students too. I even schedule it into the day during something I call MTM (Moments That Matter). MTM is used for other important things too like recognizing birthdays or calling peers who are home sick. I could write more about that another time as it's something I've been trying to develop.

Then, at the end of the day, ND is actually my salvation. Besides being a joy, she requires attention, and that has taught me I can't reasonably multitask. I have to put my work aside when I leave the school, at least until U. is available to relieve me for a few minutes (usually between dinner and bedtime, or during bedtime if it's 'his night.') By then I know I need to relax, that that is an essential piece of my health and preparation for the next day.

Except for sugar, I haven't mentioned food here... I guess I try to eat a whole lot of greens more than anything else! See food posts for more about that.

Supplements: regular multi-vitamins, but also fish oil and coq10. When I'm feeling yucky I have on hand Vitamin D, Vitamin C, Oscillo and Oil of Oregano and Get Wellness tea. My using these is not always scientific, but I've read a lot about some of them, and little about others, and I feel better in the long run.

It could be that only one of these things is what I needed... sleep by far is number 1. By the others don't hurt and don't cost much either. That tea's a little spendy, I guess, but I drink some kind of tea all the time anyway, and that stuff tastes good!

Life Wish Installment Number 2: Meditating

When I think back on my life, meditation has popped up as a resource since I was a very young child. It became most prominent when I had cancer because I had time then to focus on it and lived just a block away from the very dear friend who was teaching me.

When we moved to Vancouver, I kept it going a little with a woman I met there, but it wasn't the same.

Then I moved to Englewood. The shock of that move and of the unbelievable stressful year I then experienced as my first at my current job drove meditation far away. Becoming a mother also affected the way in which I used to "connect" before.

So now it's been over 6 years since I've had a teacher or guide I could trust, but I'm craving it like crazy. In the interim I tried teaching meditation to kids twice along the way (and have incorporated some techniques into my classroom). I have done my own thing, but I want to go deeper. One of the people with whom I ride shared to the Hazon Conference teaches meditation in New York. She gave me some resources and I am particularly eager one of these years to go on a meditation retreat at the Isabella Freedman Center. I don't think I can do it this year, but maybe next. It's right in the middle of the second half of the school year.

I do do some things on my own... I feel self-conscious about listing them just now. And I use little techniques throughout the day almost more for sanity and stability than depth.

What I ultimately crave is feeling aware and connected.

Could I write a lot about this? I feel like there is a book in me with experiences on this path.

Winter Vacation!

At last!

This has been a wonderful teaching year, but a year too when I've been constantly wanting more time to do things I love and even things I don't always love like cleaning my own house, cooking food a little more (OK, I do like that a lot) and more.

I've been wanting to write in here since September about a number of things: health, meditation, writing.

So here I am. Let's see what I can accomplish right now... but to keep it tidy, I'm going to do it in installments.